12 things I learned (or learned again) in 2012

It’s pretty hard for me to pass up an opportunity to share what life has taught me. 2012 was good that way. Being the lesson whore I am, I’ve put together a list of things to share–some lovely, some humorous, some exhausting, and some excruciating. But hey, it’s my life and the important thing is, I’d rather be me than anyone else. So here are a few things I learned:

1. If someone is determined to make you the embodiment of their fears and insecurities, there is nothing you can do about it. Walk away, you’ll be better off.

2. The times they are a changin’, in America. The 2012 political season totally underscored my belief in a cosmic paradigm shift. The 2012 election season demonstrated nothing less than a miraculous leap in consciousness in America. Conversations long overdue happened on issues that will take us miles from our blinders on, capitalistic nightmare. It’s like we’ve finally awakened from the American Dream and now we can do something about it.

3. It’s possible to fall in love with someone you’ve never met in person. That was a new one for me. I’m a pretty hard sell on the romantic thing, but it happened to me in 2012 and though it’s but a memory now, I’m glad it happened.

4. If you stay present and keep going, things will get better, you will make progress, no matter what life is dishing out.

5. Most days of my life are awesome. Most days I feel like Hello Kitty incarnate, like I may have been a My Little Pony or a Care Bear in a former life. It’s hard to explain, but it feels pretty good and if you met me, you’d totally know.

6. It really is possible to let go of romantic ideals and love someone unconditionally, even when a little piece of you will always wonder “what if … ?” P.S. It doesn’t have to hurt.

7.  Referring to people with fewer material resources as less fortunate is the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever heard. Anyone who needs to make comparisons between our relative levels of fortune based on how much stuff we have is truly the least fortunate person of all.

8. If everyone read, understood, and practiced the principles in the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, the world would be an easier place to be.

9. Whenever I feel lonely or inclined to strive toward a particular type of relationship (e.g. romantic), what I am really looking for is a closer relationship with the Divine. I seem to learn that one over and over.

10. There are a few things that can make everything better. They’re different for each of us. For me, it’s meditation, bubble baths, writing, and laughing. (I hope you figure out yours and do them often in 2013)

11. Happiness is only available in the now moments. Happiness is for the taking, postponing it in anticipation of some future event is a mistake.

12. Unconditional love can fix any situation, period, end of story.

There are a few other things I learned that were slightly less profound, like how awesome iPhone cameras can be and how great it is to have a cat again, but what really matters is, all things considered, 2012 was challenging in a good way and in important ways, things went more smoothly for me and my family than they have in several years. And for that I am truly grateful.

 

A breath of fresh air

“As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people the permission to do the same.” ~Nelson Mandela

 

Today, in anticipation of Spring, I bought a pretty pink skirt. It’s lovely and has a subtle floral print. It makes me happy just looking at it.

Why this got me thinking about Facebook and other social media, I am not sure, but I realized that when we share the small, joyous moments of our lives with our friends and family, it makes everyone’s life a little nicer and lightens the burdens of all involved. It’s like a breath of fresh air. And I believe it is possible to do it without bragging, I’ve seen it. There are some lovely people on my Facebook friends list and on Twitter who make my life nicer just knowing they are out there.

My whole goal with Facebook and especially Twitter is to share my joy with the world. I do it because I have been blessed with a particular way of looking at the world, and the ability to write fairly well. And fairly concisely as it turns out, though I am certain my blog posts beg to differ. My point is, I have come to a place in my life where I fully understand that both my broad-minded perspective and my writing skills are gifts and the best way I can honor those gifts is to share them.

By choosing to be a leader in this way, by giving yourself permission to be authentic, to be vulnerable, to share your open heart, and to love freely and unconditionally, you literally invite others to do likewise. If you cultivate good qualities in yourself through prayer, meditation, and spiritual discipline, you can share those with others through the way you treat them. They will see a glimpse of their own holiness in you and their lives will be made better. It gives people hope to see someone earnest on their spiritual path. Mine may not be the prettiest display of spiritual work, but nobody would ever accuse me of not trying, that much I know. And if it helps anyone to look at my example and know that we’re all just doing the best we can, then what I’m doing is worthwhile.

The small number of people whose lives I have touched have made every risk I take in sharing myself through writing totally worth it.

I love seeing the light shine on Facebook and Twitter. More and more I see people posting positive, uplifting messages to share with the people they love.

If you go around loving and accepting people, just as they are, you know what you get? A lot of happy people who feel safe around you. It’s beautiful.

Kinda like a pretty, pink skirt and the promise of Spring.

Writing from the heart

Blogging is complicated. I have been doing it seriously and religiously since the beginning of this year and have learned one very important thing: I never want to stop writing, ever.

When I started this blog about a year ago, I was totally ignorant of most of the technical and aesthetic aspects of blogging. A year later, better, but still no expert. I’ll get there.

Watching this blog develop slowly has been a great blessing. I can look back over my year and see what happened in my life and what and how I chose to share. This gives me insight into myself and my motivations.

I truly believe that choosing to heal one’s wounds publicly, if done in a helpful way, can help others heal as well.

In the coming year I intend to develop technical expertise and a clear sense of direction for this blog. Not that there is no place in the reading world for meandering, stream of consciousness writing. And that may be the way it turns out, we’ll see. My goal is to make it easier to read. I know what my basic message is–it’s about hope, joy, compassion, humor and love. Beyond that I just write whatever pops into my head. I rarely know more than a day in advance what I’ll be writing about.

I’m sure the answer to the question of direction lies somewhere in the middle. Being more organized never hurts, but it’s important to remain flexible. If I were to write only on scheduled, prescribed topics, it would take much of the joy out of the practice. And it likely wouldn’t sound much like the real me. Being able to pop open a computer and share the contents of my mind with the entire world is pretty great. I’m a better person for having written this blog, that much I know.

The other thing I know is that there is no need to rush to accomplish anything in particular, we have all the time in the world.

May the coming weeks and months bring clarity and the power of love to this blog. May I choose thoughts and words that will rain down blessings on us all. May I write from the purest place in my heart.

Amen

Books made of paper…and intention

It’s always amazing to encounter people who do not read.

I cannot imagine going a day without reading.

Everybody has their way of coping with life’s ups and downs, mine is books. I look at the library of spiritual and metaphysical texts I have built over the past few years and I see life rafts. Those books and the magic contained within their pages were key to my survival the past few years. They kept me going when I wanted to give up. They helped me understand the nature of how things are. When you know how things are and why, it is a lot easier to accept what life dishes out.

My iPod has a Kindle app on it. Technology is great and I love that I can have several books with me at a time this way, but I will always love a book with pages made of paper. It’s a great feeling to hold a book in my hands. There are books that are so filled with goodness that just having them around raises the energy level of the room they are in.

I’m not sure what it is about the tactile sensation from paper that is so compelling for me, but I have always loved paper and a good writing instrument. Is it because it is trees? I love trees so much. Trees help this world clear its negative energy. Combine the goodness of trees with a person’s beautiful thoughts and you have books.

Just as I have always loved books, I have always had a paper journal. I carry a journal with me wherever I go. There is something magical about a person’s thoughts put down on paper. The power of the writer’s intention is transferred to the paper when people write. I truly believe this. That is why it is helpful to have  certain kinds of books around.

Doreen Virtue has a book called Divine Magic in which she states that it is reported that having a copy of the Kybalion around can bring good fortune to a person whether they read the book or not. In my opinion, the Bible, the Buddhist Sutras, and so many other books of wisdom, ancient and contemporary, belong to that category. I’m fortunate to have many of those books in my tangible library. I have the Kybalion on my iPod, I wonder if that counts…

Words. If I learned anything in law school, it was respect for the power of the word. Lawyers know it, not everyone else does. That’s why lawyers are paid so well. And they deserve it. If it was easy, everyone would do it. Once you know the power of words, you understand the power of thought. Because what are words, but someone’s thoughts expressed symbolically?

I have a lot of gratitude for people who share themselves through writing. We all have something valuable to contribute and every one of us is capable of helping someone by sharing wisdom and insight we have gained through experience.

Thank you to all the writers in the world…and editors…and publishers…and readers.

Old journals

Wow.

I’m going through boxes, throwing things away and I found the  journal I was writing in when I met the opera singer who broke my heart.  The reason I feel like I should share this is that there are always signs pointing to things that seem to come as a surprise.  Nothing ever really comes out of left field.  The power of denial is amazing.  Here are some of the first things I wrote about this guy, before meeting him in person:

12/2/2005–I’ve been e-mailing this guy named ____.  He seems nice enough.  He doesn’t really have the most secure work habits though and I guess that is a bit of a red flag. Ya think?

That guy ____ wrote back to me.  I think he may be too cynical for me. Oy.

12/9/2005–I don’t think _____ is lying about things because if he were going to bother to lie, wouldn’t he try to make it at least sound impressive?

What’s the worst that could happen?  I could sleep with him and then find out he’s a loser/asshole/jerk and have my heart broken in the process.   I guess the best case scenario is that we could become really good and close friends and stay that way for a long time.  What if he is supposed to be the love of my life?  Wouldn’t that be a trip? It turned out to be a little of both.

12/22/2005–I need to slow this thing down, it’s going too fast.  I have other things I need to do, I have to finish what I started (law school). Hello, do you even hear yourself?

Four days after the 12/22 entry saying I needed to slow it down, I met him in person and our first date lasted 3 days.  And thus began the most intense roller coaster ride of my life that went on for the next 3 1/2 years, at which point he not only broke my heart, he shattered it, and my entire world came crashing down with it.  Looking back, it was one of the biggest favors anyone has ever done for me.  Not because I think badly of him, I don’t, and it’s not that I’m glad he’s out of my life.  To this day I think he is one of the most beautiful souls I have ever met.  I will always have a soft place in my heart for him.  He’s a good person who sometimes wreaks havoc in people’s lives.  I wasn’t the only one it happened to and I really shouldn’t have been surprised, he tried to warn me.

So now I know that I needed to be that devastated so I could find my way to where I am now, which is a much better place in so many ways than I have ever been.  If I hadn’t needed that exact experience, somehow I would have avoided getting involved with him.  His actions forced me to take a hard look at myself and when I did, what I saw was not pretty.  From there I have been able to make changes and for the first time in my life I feel like I am living an authentic life and that I am no longer hiding the real me from the world.  For better or worse, this is it.  This is who I am.  Parts of me have remained constant, like my desire to do good in the world, but some of the darker, more manipulative parts were brought into the light, where they disappeared.

It seems weird to be thankful for something that caused me that much pain, but I have long thought that painful experiences should not be wasted.  Good can come of anything if we are willing to look at things from a different perspective.  My entire life has been preparing me to be the person I am now and while I am far from perfect, when I look at myself now, I see radiant beauty.

Though I have no reason to think he reads any of my blogs, on the off chance he does read this one, I have one thing to say: Thank you.

Hopeful

I hope people understand why I write the way I do.  Having never been told otherwise, writing a blog feels like having a conversation with the whole world.  Most of my writing comes from that place inside that wants to let people know that I understand and I feel compassion for us all.  That’s the biggest reason I share things that to me feel very personal.

Things have been happening that are not comfortable.  But I realized today that I am facing my fears head on and once I work through this period of my life, I’m going to emerge a lighter, happier person.  The one thing I will say about experiencing misfortune is that once you let go of the things that you thought were stable and necessary, including belief systems, life becomes very simple, very quickly.  And for myself I can say that most of the time I feel peaceful.  I share some of my angst here, but I am largely calm and happy.

The way I stay peaceful is by daily reflecting on the blessings in my life.  There is so much good and so much beauty around for people who are able to stay present.  I would like to see mindfulness taught to school children.  The world would be a much better place.

I like to make lists.  But for some reason during times of stress, I forget to do it.  I decided tonight that I am going to make a list of the things I like best about myself and at least one other person.  There have been some really wonderful people in my life.  And even though things feel a little lonely at times, I know these people are a phone call away and there are a lot of them.  I need to remember that when I start feeling isolated.

I wish for all people to be gentle and compassionate toward themselves.  Start there and it will radiate outward.

I’m feeling hopeful tonight.

Letting go

I am sitting here thinking about writing and wondering if everyone goes through these periods where a million thoughts float through, but nothing seems to really stick.

Indecision is the word of the day.  Of the past few days actually.

Even the things I manage to write, I have been deleting.  Everything I write is second guessed.  I worry and fret that it sounds stupid and boring. I pace my house feeling restless, uninspired and supremely frustrated.

Then I question my motives for writing in the first place.  Did I just post that blog striving to be clever, charming or informative because I want attention?  Not that wanting attention is the end of the world, it’s just that I find I do better if I am a bit more aware than that.  I can accept that attention feels good without grasping at it or chasing it.

It seems letting go is a theme for me right now.  Let go of expectations, limitations, fears, the past, material things and my writing.

My writing needs to be allowed to be.  It is the expression of the truest part of me.  I may not be able to control how it is perceived by others, but my intentions are to help and never harm, entertain whenever possible and offer a fresh perspective when I can.  There is no wrong in that equation, nothing to feel hesitant about.

Transitions are always a challenge.  But change happens constantly.  It’s one of the few things we can count on.  This too shall pass.

Here’s to letting go and to good enough.

Cheryl

The things I think about

Yesterday was a weird day.  Really rainy, nearly an inch and oh so very gray.

It was the kind of day that might have kept me in except I ran out of coffee and had to go out.

I’ve been working on my book.  I find I have to take breaks because I am writing what amounts to the story of my life, the highlights anyway, and some of the events and the lessons learned are heavy.

So I decided to give my heart a rest from the writing and think about time travel.

I was thinking that if time travel and/or teleportation were mastered, where would I want to go, who would I want to see and what would I hope to experience?

Hopefully without sounding too out there, I can say that in theory, I believe time travel is possible.  I don’t know of anyone who’s done it in the ways we tend to think about it, but that doesn’t  mean that it can’t be accomplished.  This includes things like traveling in a dream state or other altered state of consciousness.

So…thinking about time travel and wondering where I’d go and all that.

I would go to medieval Europe and try to find out what it is about that time period that has such a pull for me in this lifetime.  All my life I have been fascinated by and drawn to that era and location. I watch movies about knights, wizards, dragons and princesses every chance I get.  I never get tired of those stories.

Part of what I would want to learn is what it was like to have to keep original thoughts private out of fear.  Even having enough knowledge and education to express an original thought would be a privilege reserved for male clergy and nobility.  And yet, knowing comes in many forms.  There are people who can know things through senses other than the five we most commonly identify.  Those people would not be well received by the Church I suspect. I have often wondered if one of my past lives involved me thinking spooky thoughts at the wrong time in history.

Would I travel to the future?  I think that’s an interesting question for anyone.  If time is linear and I could travel to what will be my future, would I?  My first thought was yes, I would want to travel there and see that not only is everything good, everything is as it should be and I am surrounded by people who love me.  But then I wonder what if all is not well and it’s sad and hard and depressing.  I don’t believe that will happen, but I still think going to the future is a harder thing to imagine.

It occurs to me that if the concept of quantum superposition could be understood fully, humans might be able to experience omnipresence.  What would it be like to be everywhere all at once because time and space do not exist?

I have long thought that time and space are not what many people think they are.  Since I don’t know very many people who think like me, I don’t have any idea how most people view time and space or distance.  I think time and space are constructs of the human mind developed to bring order to what is perceived as reality.  Therefore if humans were able to step outside of their concepts of time and space, time travel is totally possible.  Anyone who has deeply meditated knows what I am saying.

That was a fun diversion.  Thinking about mythology and symbolism and metaphor are the only things I like to think about as much as I like to think about time travel and some of the recent discoveries in the world of physics.

If I have one thing going for me right now it is that I am able to amuse myself with my own thoughts.  Hopefully that will help me get through this alone period I’m in.

I know there are other people in the world who are like me, there have to be.  I could really use some company about now, I really hope my soul mates are traveling through time and space to find me because I am definitely looking for them.

Cheryl

I bought a chair today

I needed a space in my bedroom where I could sit comfortably and work on the book I started writing yesterday.  And I needed the space to be beautiful.  I am at my best for writing and thinking when my surroundings are beautiful, orderly and filled with good smells.

I have only recently had a living space I could call my own with total control to make it how I want without having to consider someone else.  There’s good and bad in that, but when it’s good, it’s blissful.

Being the craigslist whore I am, I’ve been buying used furniture and stuff from people who post there.  I am meticulous in my decision making, so with a little effort I have  picked up some amazing things in pristine condition.

So I’m sitting in my new craigslist chair, bought today.  It was the last item from an estate sale of a couple of guys whose mom just died and they needed it gone.  I was surprised nobody bought it.  It’s pretty and pink and girly.  It was custom made and it is in excellent condition.

I’m listening to my ipod, which is full of songs that remind me of the person who broke my heart a couple of years ago.  It feels weird.  It sorta still hurts, but I have a sense of peace over all of it.  Not that I haven’t dried a few tears tonight, it’s just that the entire thing comes with a level of acceptance that I have not previously had.

After nearly two years apart from this person, I am pretty sure I am always going to love him.  Even though his actions hurt me more than anything has ever hurt me, I don’t believe he did anything wrong.  He did what he needed to do for him.  There is just no way I can disagree with that.  We all do the best we can.  My pain came from attachment to a different outcome.  After I let go of needing to being right about what is the proper way to end a relationship, my heart found peace.

I still miss him sometimes, he was my best friend in the whole world.  I had never been that close to another person before.

For some reason, as I have begun writing this book that’s been trapped inside me my whole life, this ex-boyfriend keeps popping up in my mind.  I think it’s because I am writing the book that is in part me admitting that it did all work out for the best.  I am who I am today because I trusted someone completely and loved him with everything good I had to offer.  And after an agonizing grieving process, I am not afraid to trust someone again.  When the right person shows up, I can go there again.  I welcome the opportunity to feel that way about someone again.  It was wonderful and magical to see someone that way.

Not sure what it’s going to take to get there with someone…my dating experiences have been comical with heavy doses of pathos.  But it doesn’t matter, which is the point of this blog.  I know I made it sound like the chair was the point, but it’s really this next bit.

As I have been buying things for the house, I have been getting to know myself a little better.  For the first time without someone else to consider.  In doing this I am seeing myself, as myself, almost as if for the first time.  It’s been interesting what’s been going on in my mind the past few weeks.  Now that things are starting to settle, I have found a place of appreciation for the person I am turning out to be.

When you live alone, as I do when my kids are with their dad, you can have no motives apart from your own happiness.  The purest of objectives.  If you are a person who wants happiness with no desire to harm any other creature, when you find that happy place, it’s pretty close to nirvana.

So this is the thought process the pretty chair started for me today.  And it needed to be written so I can get back to working on the book.

Things feel like they are going the right direction.  Every day is a leap of faith, but I keep leaping anyway.  I have a confidence that feels exactly like a time in my life when things were going really well and I was making things happen.  This is the strongest sense of well-being I’ve had in long time.  And I am ready to see some good things.

Love and blessings.

Cheryl

Now is when things happen

All my life I have known that I will someday write a book.  At the same time I knew that either the book would be inspired or I was going to have to learn a whole new way of doing things. And it was going to involve being organized and disciplined and planning things.  That has never sounded attractive to me even though I am quite capable of being that way and getting things done.  In writing however, I am happiest when I am allowed to let my thoughts flow freely onto the page.  It feels artistic at times and it’s pleasant to give my thoughts a bit of an audience.

The book writing thoughts have been intensifying in recent years and I find myself with a bit more time on my hands than I am normally comfortable with.  A couple of days ago that inner voice of wisdom I sometimes refer to clearly told me that it’s time and I need to just start writing.  No more fretting about not knowing what to write or what is the correct way to go about it.  The correct way to go about it is to sit down and write.

So, I have officially started writing the thing I want to share with the entire universe.  I am excited about it and I hope to use this blog as a place to comment on the process.  Because I have decided that I am going to let the book write itself.  I will discipline myself only as to devoting daily, scheduled time to working on it.  At this point I have done enough study and research in the areas I want to write about that I can feel confident to start writing.  It will take shape as it goes along and when I am through and it has been properly edited, I will have something of value and substance to offer the world.

I have spent the past 25 years intensely studying religion, philosophy, history and law.  I’ve studied a number of other amazing bodies of knowledge only slightly less intensely.  I think it’s time to write.

That’s about all I want to share at this point, but I’ll update on how easy or hard the process turns out to be.

Wish me luck.

Cheryl