Another year

It will be my birthday in 90 minutes. I haven’t thought about it very much because I had so much other stuff on my mind. Not having a job in this economy will do that to a person. I was actually hired about 3 weeks ago for a job, but haven’t been able to get started because they are waiting for the results of my background check to come back and I do not know what is taking so long.

A friend of mine offered to let me come and work for him for a little while so I could earn enough money to pay my rent. I am so grateful for this I hardly have words.

The past couple of weeks have been amazing. Every time I feel like I don’t have a shred of faith left in me, I ask for help from God, the angels, the saints, and ascended masters, and every time I ask, something happens to give me enough hope to go on. How many guarantees do any of us actually need? It’s great to feel like things will be fine long-term, but don’t we really live day-by-day, moment-by-moment?

Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” –Matthew 6:33-34

A couple of weeks ago, I said a prayer to St. Jude, the patron of desperate causes. I’m not Catholic, but I didn’t care, I was so afraid and so worried that I needed to feel there was someone who cared. As a show of faith, I decided to make a donation to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. I need to point out that even though my donation was small, I have almost no money right now, so it was a big deal to me. I wanted the universe to know that I trust I will be cared for just as I care for others, as unselfishly as possible. Later that same night, a trusted friend offered to give me a significant amount of money. Enough to relieve some of the pressure I was feeling, and thirty times the amount of my donation. I accepted with the caveat that I be allowed to repay it when things improve for me.

Between the loan and a few days of paid employment, I can see the light at the end of this tunnel I have been in. I am very grateful that in the darkest of times I have the presence of mind and heart to ask for help. And I am grateful that the help always comes. I’m not always brave enough to ask other people for help, but I am brave enough to ask God for help. Then God brings angels, dressed as friends.

It looks like everything is going to be okay. I feel so much genuine gratitude for the abundance of having the basic necessities of life. Everything else is icing.

In one hour it will be my birthday.

Temptation

“What I think is that a good life is one hero journey after another. Over and over again, you are called to the realm of adventure, you are called to new horizons. Each time, there is the same problem: do I dare? And then, if you do dare, the dangers are there, and the help also, and the fulfillment or the fiasco. There’s always the possibility of a fiasco. But there’s also the possibility of bliss.” ~Joseph Campbell ♥

Today I found out that my short-term job has become even shorter term and will terminate at the end of this month, three weeks from today. It was unexpected, but I’m sorting through my feelings about it.

When I first learned this news and for a while after I got home tonight, I felt stressed and pretty awful. My mind immediately went into panic mode trying to think of all the things that need to happen right away. Find a new job, get dental and medical appointments done while we still have insurance and brace myself for tough times ahead.

Wait a minute…brace myself for tough times? Why? The only reason I would worry now about things that haven’t happened yet and may never happen is that I have made an assumption that there is definitely something to worry about. Somehow I decided that there are no jobs out there and that nobody will want to hire me anyway. Way to create the future with my thoughts.

It occurred to me this evening that it is just as easy to choose to feel happy and open and welcoming of whatever the universe has in store for me next. This most recent job was a great experience in which I met some very dear people. It allowed me to pay my expenses for the past couple of months and was fun and rewarding. Blessings all around. Why should the next experience be any different?

I fell into an ego trap today. I listened, however briefly, to that mean little voice inside that whispers: You are not good enough and you never will be. That oddly familiar angst, so tempting in its predictability. It’s easy to slip into feeling badly…if you’ve done enough of it. It’s intentionally deciding not to that takes effort.

Change is hard sometimes.

“Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” ~Proverb

Ya know?

It is my intention to be happy for the closing of one chapter of my life so that a new one may open. May all the magic and power of the universe come together to bring new blessings in the form of new people and experiences. My heart is open. I am ready. And I am grateful.

My choice is to joyously welcome all the good that is coming to me, not be angst ridden and fearful over the calamity I have conjured up in my mind. If I’m going to create things with my mind, why not create light, joyous, beautiful things? It’s my choice, it’s my mind, I am the one in control of this experience.

The world does not need more thoughts of lack and worry and uncertainty. By choosing to think happy thoughts, I am contributing to the good energy that is going to improve things for everyone. We all contribute every day. How often do we stop and consider where we’re putting our energy?

Time for another transition.

Those who embrace change free themselves from the bondage of the ego, which tries to convince us that the unknown is scary. Only if we declare it so.

Impermanence is a beautiful thing. Where would we be without it?

Disconnected

I haven’t felt like writing much lately.  I’m not sure if it’s because of the cold I’m finally starting to get over or what, but I haven’t felt inspired to do much of anything that I would consider productive.  At least in the online sense.  I don’t have much to say on Twitter or Facebook and everything I have tried to write for this blog the past few days has ended up in the trash or the draft folder.  All I have been doing is looking for work and trying not to panic about the miracle it’s going to take to get out of this hole I find myself in.

I finally have a job interview coming up, which makes me very happy.  It’s not glamorous or even permanent, but it will get me out of the stressful situation I have been in for the past few months.  I’m very grateful that someone was able to look beyond how much education and experience I have and understand that I am willing to do any job, I just need money.  I’ve had a growing frustration with government recently.  Not on the large scale, but on the local scale.  Oregon still has one of the highest unemployment rates in the country and there are jobs available at every level of our government, but I am not getting interviews or even acknowledgments most of the time.  It seems to me that any person collecting unemployment who wishes not to be or is eligible for social services, but prefers to work, should be given priority for those jobs, but that’s not how it’s happening.

Things are going the right direction, but I still have to work at not worrying.  It’s really hard facing such uncertainty with kids depending on me.  I’m trying to handle all of this as gracefully as I can so they can see that it’s possible to remain calm regardless of what is going on.  It’s a lot of pressure.  I don’t want to let them down and I wish to be a good example.  In some ways I have been, but I am starting to recognize some of my weaknesses as a parent.  Still, I’m doing my best and I have a plan.  As things unfold it will become more clear, but I have a general idea of how things need to happen.  Right now I just need to raise money.  Too bad it’s illegal to sell a kidney…

I’m looking forward to getting past this financial roadblock I have been dealing with.  I’m also looking forward to having a job to go to and meeting new people.  I’ve been isolated for so long now and I really want to be social again.

Hopefully I will start feeling more connected again soon.  Feeling like an island is not that much fun.

Resilience

It’s amazing how much mental health improves after going for a walk.  It seems like a cruel irony that people suffering from depression often can’t find the motivation to do the very things that will help.

I know I said I was going to make this blog more positive and I promise I’m doing my best, but some days it’s an uphill battle to keep thinking positively in the face of things going wrong for such a long time.  And honestly, I feel like it should be okay for people to express realistically what is going on in their lives so they can acknowledge it and move on.  We can’t fix what we don’t acknowledge and that is a lot of the reason I have been so up front about my situation.

I want to clarify what I’m talking about because there are a couple of dynamics going on that keep me pretty unsure whether I should share my struggles publicly.

First, there is the shame that comes along with being in the situation I am in.  It’s the kind of thing that can keep people using credit cards after they have accumulated more debt than they can possibly pay back.  It can also make people present a false image of success.  Many people do not truly own most of what they are presenting as the symbols of their success, meaning cars, clothes, jewelry, houses, etc.  So, what we tend to idolize in American society is a false illusion.

Second, there is the tendency for people to complain bitterly about insignificant things.  Our culture collectively whines when we don’t have a fast enough computer or the latest phone or some other small thing is not going our way.  So, even our propensity to complain is illusory because people incessantly gripe about things that are not real problems.  Thus, when people have actual problems, sometimes it cannot be distinguished from the general clamor of dissatisfaction that seems to permeate our existence.

Neither one of these is what I am referring to when I write about being realistic because neither one of the above scenarios is acknowledging and taking responsibility for the reality of one’s circumstances, in my opinion.

The biggest part of what’s bothering me right now is that I feel like I have legitimate concerns over things like having enough money to live and how to take care of the basics of life for me and my kids, but at the same time I feel like I should not give power to those thoughts.  I also worry that by identifying them as concerns I may be solidifying something I do not want in my life.

Recently I found a self-help book that encourages looking at things realistically.  The book is It’s Not the End of the World: Developing Resilience in Times of Change by Joan Borysenko.  I have to say, for the first time in a while I didn’t feel guilty while reading a self-help book.

The author identifies the three main characteristics of resilient people.  And thankfully, I feel like I possess all of them.  So there is hope for me yet.  The first of the three characteristics was realistic optimism.  Apparently in studies, people who were realistically optimistic were shown to be more resilient than pessimists or positive/wishful thinkers.  This was really good news for me, seriously.

The reason this made me happy is that a certain amount of dwelling on my circumstances seems to help motivate me to make changes.  It’s a fine line, but I try to stay on this side of despair.  I can’t say what I go through is comfortable, but it beats looking for people and things to blame.

I’m just ready for some stability.  I need a buffer between me and the harshness of the world.  I have an understanding of how hard it is for most people to get by these days, but ultimately, I do not think the world is better served by me remaining in poverty.  The amount of energy I spend worrying about how to meet immediate and basic needs could be much better spent helping others get out of tough circumstances.  That’s why I feel so frustrated sometimes.

My entire career has been about service and helping people.  And in those situations where that wasn’t the main focus of my job, I made it the focus.  I have brought heart to every job I have ever had, by caring and being determined to do the right thing in all circumstances.  Hopefully, my willingness to do any job will bring something soon.  At this point, I really don’t care what I do as long as I can earn enough money to live.  Once I reach that goal then I will worry about the next career move.

Something has to give.  It’s time.  I have applied for many, many jobs of all different types.  Someone has to want to hire me

If you’re listening God, I’m ready.  Just sayin’…

I started this post yesterday and since then have entertained the idea of putting a donate button on this blog.  It feels a little weird, but at what point does a person let go of pride and do things they wouldn’t normally do, just to survive?  If I do decide to add a donate button to my blog, I will take it down as soon as I have a job and get back on my feet.  As much as I need help right now, I know there are a lot of other people in need as well and I’d like to spend more time thinking of them and less time worrying about my own stuff.  To be fair to myself, I currently spend time each day thinking about and sending blessings to the rest of the world.

I’m sure it will all be fine eventually.  The sooner, the better.

 

Positive

Recently I was asked how I stay positive.  I actually wrote an entire post about the things I do that help me stay positive, but I realized that none of it actually matters on the days I let fear rule my life.

This morning I woke up to an anxiety attack.  That happens to me sometimes.  Before I even really have a chance to think, my heart and mind are racing.  It is now mid-afternoon and I’m finally starting to calm down.

It’s sometimes hard to take the steps necessary to stay positive when I’m not even sure what the problem is.  I mean, on the surface it’s obvious.  My kids are now living with me and I do not have a job.  Three weeks ago I was supporting only myself and didn’t know how I was going to make it without a job and now I have two more people depending on me.

This morning I woke up in a panic about how to pay the rent next month.  All day I have had to talk myself out of this mindset.  There are still 21 days left in this month.  If I can find even a temp job right away I should be able to earn enough to cover our rent and basic expenses.  But I don’t have a job right now, so the only way I can avoid worrying is to have faith that everything will happen as it is supposed to and that we will be fine.  While I know deep down it is true, much like meditation I have to keep bringing my mind back to the truth.

As I was telling my kids today, worrying about something that might happen in 21 days is a waste of energy.  Because if the first of next month comes and I don’t have the money to pay the rent, worrying about it now just means I have given myself three extra weeks of worry.  If the first comes and I do have the money to pay rent then I will have worried for nothing.

I just need to stay in the present where everything is fine.  Right now, our bills are paid and we have plenty of everything we need.  I have no reason to believe tomorrow will be different.  A lot can happen in one day.  I have sent my resume off to some promising job leads and to some temp agencies, something good is bound to come sooner or later, hopefully sooner.

As for staying positive, I do a lot of things to keep myself optimistic in the face of uncertainty.  One of the biggest is surrounding myself with people who are positive and avoiding people who are not.  Twitter has been one of the most amazing gifts that way.  The people I follow on Twitter are such bright lights.  They have helped me keep my head up by posting positive, uplifting tweets. My Twitter family has helped me through some dark moments recently.  I have been inspired to be a better person and to keep trying to contribute positively.  I feel very fortunate to have found all these wonderful people from all over the world.

If I had to name one thing that helps me stay positive no matter what is going on around me, it would be gratitude.  If I’m alive and breathing, there is hope and something to be grateful for.  And for the ability to recognize that, I am supremely grateful.

Grateful thanks for all the good wishes I have received.

Blessings.

Cheryl

Simplicity

Living a peaceful life is a process of elimination.  It is getting down to the basics and understanding which things are important in life and which things are not.

In my quest for peace I have greatly decreased the amount of stuff in my life, on every level.  Simplicity can be a beautiful thing.  I, for one, intend to live my life as simply as possible from here on out.

Note that by simplicity I do not mean poverty.  I think it is totally possible to live simply and be wealthy.  It’s a balance of time and energy in proportion to external things.  There is nothing wrong with having a lot of money and the things money can buy, especially if you have enough to pay people to manage and maintain all the stuff.  I think simplicity is more about being willing to let go of that which is no longer useful or needed.  It’s about keeping the energy flowing.

One of the reasons I think metaphor is such a blessing is there are laws in the spiritual world just as in the physical world.  Because the laws in each of these realms correspond with each other, we can take examples from our physical world and apply them to the spiritual.  The ability to do this has changed my entire outlook on life.

Once I understood that the spiritual and physical correspond, I knew that there are things we can do in our physical world that affect us spiritually and vice versa.

For example, I learned that if I feel stuck or bogged down in life, I can get rid of clothes and things I don’t need in my physical environment and the action of doing so has an effect on the mental and the spiritual.  Letting go of physical stuff seems to facilitate letting go of mental stuff.  Try it, see how you feel afterward.  Other than hoarders, I don’t think anyone would find this an unpleasant thing to do.  It is very liberating.  Things feel open and receptive when clearing is done.  If you focus on the mental and spiritual cleansing while clearing out your physical space, you will create a powerful ritual the effects of which can be felt immediately.

I don’t know about anyone else, but when my stress levels drop suddenly because of an activity or a moment of insight, I like it.  Any break from worry and stress any of us can get is a blessing.

We all seem to have so much on our minds lately.  Whenever I do get out in the world I can feel it.  People are stressed and worried.  There are employment issues, foreclosures everywhere and tons of stuff happening all over the planet.  It’s a lot to think about.  And when people are not certain how they will be affected by these external forces, it can be scary.

That’s why it’s helpful to control what can be controlled and let go of the rest.  Using up spiritual and physical energy worrying about things that haven’t happened and are unlikely to happen is a waste.  I’m pretty sure most of us can think of better uses for that energy.

When I am stressed and worried, I take it easy on myself.  I seek distraction if I need to or I spend time in meditation and thinking positive thoughts.  I also eat healthy food, drink lots of water and take vitamins.  The way I keep things from even getting to that point is by keeping my surroundings simple and serene.  My house is clean, comfy, peaceful and good smelling.

If you’re feeling stressed out and chaotic, take a look around.  Do you have clutter and chaos in your physical surroundings?  Relief could be as simple as cleaning out your car.

Humans are not that complicated, but we live in a world of technology that invites us to take on more than we can handle.  When things become overwhelming, slow down and take a breather.  I can nearly guarantee it will help.

Keeping it simple.

Cheryl