It’s been such a long time since I’ve had an opportunity to post. A difficult absence, I assure you. My computer has been having problems for a few weeks, but I’ve found a workable solution for the moment.
Sometimes I feel like the queen of putting out fires. For the past couple years my life has been mainly about survival. But I have responded to the best of my ability and from an open heart. Like much of my life, I can’t say it’s all been pretty, but it’s all been very real and very genuine. We must play the hand we are dealt. What more can you do, really?
I have reached a point where I am wondering what I would like my life to look like going forward. And I find myself without a clear picture in my mind’s eye. That’s okay, but I realize now that certain pressures have lessened, it’s really quite okay for me to start thinking about what would make me most happy as I live the rest of my life.
I’m not sure I have ever really thought about this much. I’ve always just sort of found myself in different circumstances, never really sure how I got there. And feeling little opportunity to do anything other than react to things going on around me.
This is where spiritual maturity comes in handy. Because I have developed a great deal of internal strength, I am better equipped to handle whatever comes up. It’s very clear to me now that is what the past couple of years have been about. It was about developing a clear sense of myself, apart from anyone and anything, and the accompanying strength derived from the experience. I never had a period in my life where I didn’t have a single close relationship with anyone who wasn’t my kid. Until about 3 years ago.
Several areas of my life took on a sudden barrenness. It was a very frightening time. And I’m not entirely back to safety yet, but I am making considerable progress.
It’s good for me to develop a clear idea of what I want. Every tangible thing that appears in our lives begins as a thought. It’s true what they say about being able to accomplish anything we can truly imagine. All of us have experienced it at some point. For me it was deciding to get a law degree at age 34, when I was raising kids and hadn’t been to college. I didn’t know what the requirements were, but I decided I was going to do it and I would figure it out as I went along. It was a huge leap of faith. And it worked out just fine.
Now that I have a job and things are definitely moving the right direction, I have the luxury of thinking about what kinds of relationships to have. When you’re in survival mode, dating falls way down on the list of priorities. Not that I haven’t, I’ve actually been on lots of dates, met a few people, and even made some friends. I just haven’t really been all that interested in anyone. Part of that was not being in a position to put a lot of work into a relationship.
What I really need is a relationship that is light and lovely and free of undue pressure. I’m ready for that. Heavy and serious just doesn’t sound appealing. Not sure it ever will again.
It’s Spring and the weather is beautiful. This is the perfect time for a romance. Think of the Shakespeare comedies. Spring time and everyone is in love. I want to experience that again.
I’m a little closer to being able to envision exactly what I want for myself.
My energy is returning.