Crossroads

It is interesting having options. I prefer it to not, but making life decisions can be stressful, especially when you feel you’ve made poor ones in the past.

I find myself at a crossroads in more than one area of life right now. There is nothing bad happening; it’s all very positive, all about choices, but I find myself terrified at the thought of making decisions that will disturb the status quo too much. I’ve been through so much the past couple years and things are finally starting to settle down. Do I want to stay settled and risk getting in a rut or do I want to stir things up a little and see what I can make of it?

Recently I have been finding a lot more joy in life. When a certain amount of stress is missing, it makes it a lot easier to appreciate things and be present and not preoccupied. I appreciate that so much. I believe it is out of this sense of joy that some of the options before me have manifested.

That is a very important thing to remember in a situation like the one in which I currently find myself. Nothing that shows up in my life does so apart from my intention to have certain experiences. There is nothing I can experience that I am not open to experiencing. If I were not open, situations would not present themselves. Everything that is going on in my life right now is the result of the thoughts I have been thinking up to now. It’s not all pretty, I’d be lying if I said it was. But some really beautiful people and situations have come into my life and sometimes when I think about what and who I am attracting, it makes me really happy to know that the universe is responding to what I am offering. It’s truly humbling.

I have to make a career decision within the next 24 hours. And there are other, more personal decisions to make right now too. The personal stuff is not pressing, so for the moment, I deal with the issue before me.

It boils down to a cost/benefit analysis. What’s more important, money or happiness? On the grand scale that question is very easy to answer. But on the small-scale, the distinction is a much finer one.

This is one of those situations that is too big for me to figure out on my own. I need to pray and then clear my mind of the thought of it. Once I give the question over, the answer will come.

The more I live, the more I figure out that thinking is such a flawed way of problem solving much of the time. The ability to reason is flawed in the best of analytical thinkers. I’ve reasoned my way through many issues. I’ve been formally trained in logic and analysis. But the answers to the truly important questions always come in the silence. When I get out of the way, things tend to work out just fine.

I put myself in the hands of God. And I have faith that I will find beauty on my journey regardless of which path I take.

Amen.

Eyes (and heart) open

Do ya hate it when you believe someone cares about you then when circumstances demand a review it looks like maybe they never did?  You know, when you go back and look at every kindness and ask what was that if it wasn’t genuine? Personally, I loathe those moments. It is one of my least favorite things to feel that kind of profound disappointment in a fellow human, especially one I thought highly of.

When I start to see that someone might  not be who I thought they were, I feel foolish. From time to time my intuition fails me. Or I fail it more likely.

I’m in that questioning phase about someone I care about. I’ll continue to care once I sort this all out, but right now I am trying to figure out if this person was playing with my feelings or whether he was unintentionally careless.  As I watch this person drift farther and farther out of my life, I find myself thinking that if things are as they seem, it’s best we go our separate ways. That makes me a little sad, I must admit.

How hard can it be to forgive a person who might not be exactly who I thought they were, but who is still among the most amazing and kind people I have ever met? Before I even get started, I know all is forgiven. This process of discernment concerns only whether I continue to hope for his return.

All of this arises because a little while ago I asked myself what if I never get over my fear of being hurt and it causes me to remain alone the rest of my life? Could happen. It’s a risk to trust or care about someone as much as I did the last time. The idea of having my heart broken that badly ever again is still too big a challenge for me. And I’m not sure how long it’s going to take before I stop feeling that way.

One thing is for certain, I will never move forward enough to know if I don’t let go of the people from the past and get on with my life. I am not waiting for anything or anybody. If anyone from the past is meant to be in my future, they’ll show back up no matter what I’m doing, so there’s nothing holding me back.

Now that I’m working again, I am downtown every day. There are a lot of cute guys in Portland and many of them are downtown during the lunch hour. If the sun ever comes out, this could end up being a pretty great Summer.