My dreams are haunted lately. In the past week I had two dreams about the guy who broke my heart a couple of years ago. I actually don’t think he broke my heart as much as I broke my own heart in protest of his choices and actions.
The dreams (one was just this morning) were very vivid and very much future oriented. And very, very unsettling. There were a couple of distinct themes. In both dreams he showed up acting as if everything was normal between us, but I knew that he hadn’t seen or spoken to me in over 2 years in spite of my requests to clear the air so I could move on without the burden I was carrying in my heart. In both dreams I was going along for appearances’ sake, but my heart was deeply troubled by the lack of acknowledgment of what had transpired between us.
There is something to be learned from the dreams, I am sure of it. I guess I haven’t really discerned the overall lesson, but I can see a reflection of some of my past behaviors in how I behaved in these two dreams. I have often carried a troubled heart because I’ve seen things that aren’t right and didn’t say anything.
It’s amazing how quickly it is possible to release something if you acknowledge it and let it happen. I had a very brief cry over these dreams, but it felt like a burden lifted from my heart when I acknowledged that I may always wonder in what ways I pushed this person to make a decision that most certainly hurt me and possibly hurt him as well. Healthy relationships do not end that way, so whatever my contribution was, it was energy put into something unhealthy and dark.
I do not know the reason my ex-boyfriend is suddenly in my conscious mind after all this time. On a day-to-day basis he barely exists in my mind anymore. Though I wish nothing but love and blessings on him, he’s now just some guy I had a relationship with a long time ago. There was a time when I lived in fear of the day I could say that about him, but now that it’s here, it’s not so bad. I will always care about what happens to him and I will always wish him love, happiness and true joy. I got there by choosing the path of unconditional love and forgiveness over the path of blame. And after choosing the path that took more work, I am finally at peace.
For several years I asked the universe to show me how to let go, how to love unconditionally, how to forgive. How did I think that was going to happen? These are big lessons and sometimes the universe has to take drastic actions to get our attention when the stakes are that high. Actions like asking us to graciously accept losing our best friend.
In knowing everyone has experienced loss on some level, I am made aware how important it is to be gentle and compassionate with my fellow humans. We’re all dealing with something, and whenever we make life a little easier on another person, we help them carry their burden for a little while as they go on their way. That is why it must be the same response from the same intention whether we are dealing with our most intimate friend or a random stranger.
This is the gift of forgiveness and unconditional love. Beautiful.