Believe it and receive it

It never fails to amaze me the ways in which the minutiae of life is metaphor for much larger, more powerful concepts. I believe this is the path to success in using things like the law of attraction. We figure out the big picture by looking closely at the small one.

I learned another cosmic lesson today at my job. A customer asked me for something expecting to be told no and when I found the thing he was looking for, he was unprepared to pay for it. No big deal, it happens a lot in that job, but today it hit me like a ton of bricks. If I ask the universe for something, I must be ready to receive it. And I’m not sure I have been as ready as I need to be. This is incentive to focus and work harder and get my life in order as much as possible. Luck happens to those who are diligent and prepared.

You can be diligent and still be unprepared. And then when life tries to offer you what you have asked for, you have no way to receive it. Case in point, the customer from earlier. He wasn’t prepared to be told yes, he prepared himself to be told no. Had he prepared to hear yes, he would have talked to all the people he needed to talk to and had his credit card in hand before calling.

I need to have my credit card in hand before I make this next call to the universe.

Sometimes it is necessary to make room for new people and things in life. I’m a minimalist, I don’t collect anything. Not people, not things. But, if in a symbolic act of spaciousness I need to clear out some room for something new, I’m willing to do that.

It’s good to get rid of stuff you don’t need. Whether it be things, people, or thoughts. If it does not serve the greater good, bless it and let it go.

If I want the person I love to love me back, I need to be someone he can love. Which means I need to understand what is important to him and figure out if those things can be important to me too. It’s one thing to be in love with someone, it’s another thing entirely to be good for that person. We must fulfill the role that creates the greatest good in the world. Sometimes that role is romantic, sometimes it’s platonic.

I find it difficult to continue this without gushing a little. I just really believe when you find the person whom you recognize to be the nicest person you have ever met–the one that becomes instant best friend–and that person is attractive looking to you…marry them! For crying out loud, just marry them already! If two soul mates meet and they are both single and attractive, smart, compassionate, etc., it is a travesty if they do not make that connection.

I cannot get my friend out of my head. Whenever I see him I feel like I am walking on a cloud for hours and days afterward. I do come back to earth eventually, but it’s like drugs. When I am around him I feel like I automatically become a better person. In case you’re wondering, that was the gushing bit I referred to before.

Looking forward to things falling into place perfectly.

Is it wrong of me to notice places that would make a lovely venue for a simple, elegant wedding?

I jest.

Mostly.

Moment of truth

There is a person I have written about in this blog, a certain friend of mine who drifted out of my life just over a year ago.

Yesterday, out of the blue, he e-mailed me and wanted to get together.

The e-mail elicited a very emotional reaction from me. Only because I adore him completely and I thought I might never see him again.

Earlier today I saw my friend. It made me very happy.

Some people when you are around them you leave feeling really good. He’s one of those people for me. He’s kind and happy, he smiles a lot and he’s beautiful.

In the hours leading up to this meeting I was nervous. I had not seen this person for over a year and we parted under some confusing circumstances. We were facing a moment of truth. One in which we would find out if there was still any spark between us. A lot can change in a year.

We met for coffee today and spent a couple hours catching up. A couple of my favorite hours in recent history.

Turns out I’m still crazy about him and probably always will be. We had a great time today. Lots of laughing and smiles and joyfulness. Thirteen months disappeared as if no time had passed.

Here’s where I am about it all. There is a good chance I am always going to be in love with this guy, but I have no expectation of it ever being more than it is right now. And I’m okay with that.

As I told a friend earlier, given the choice, I’ll take being in love over not any day of the week. It’s the feelings that matter, not the circumstances surrounding their expression. What my friend and I have is genuine and however we are able to communicate that is a blessing.

Spacious love

My two favorite topics: Spirituality and Romance. They are the things I think about most.

Lately I feel it necessary to ask myself a lot of questions about exactly what it is I am looking for in a relationship.

I’ve been alone for a couple of years now. The longest I have ever been without a partner. In the big picture, it’s not a great length of time, but there are days when it feels like eons since I have connected with a person on that level. I miss it, I admit it.

Relationships can be deeply spiritual in that they invite us to practice our most dearly held beliefs and discover the limits of our ability to forgive and love unconditionally. A part of me is ready to go there again, but I want to get caught up in something light and lovely, not something reckless and potentially destructive. Ya know?

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” ~Joan Crawford

I’ve had my metaphoric house burned down from love, I’m not interested in going there again. The next romantic situation I get into will be much easier because I have learned a lot about expectation and disappointment in the past couple of years. Having expectations of others is not fair to them. And it virtually ensures disappointment.

The term friends with benefits has always bugged me, but rationally speaking, that is what a healthy relationship is about. The person I have a romantic relationship with needs to be none other than my best friend in the universe. That is so much more important than the statistical details most people are looking for in a partner (height, weight, income, etc.).

I have wondered if what I’m looking for even exists. The great thing about living in Portland is, if it does exist, I will find it here. People here are open-minded, freely expressive and highly creative. It’s a magical place to live. I love it here. So, my wish is that I find him here. And that he have a cute beard.

Right now I would like to meet someone it feels good to be around and have someone to do things with. Someone to hold hands with and kiss and be silly with. I do not want to get married or even live with anyone just yet, I would like us each to have our own space and go there regularly and see other friends and spend time alone. But I would also like to have this person around some of the time to hang out , eat meals together and go to movies or the zoo, things like that. Someone to go to Powell’s Books with. And maybe spend the night with a few times a week. Is it possible to find such a relationship and for two people to be happy in it without needing to push it forward or involve other people? I’m not looking for something polyamorous, just something spacious.

One of my favorite books is True Love by Thich Nhat Hanh. In it he has a section about the loving gesture of giving people enough space. The concept is called upeksha, meaning equanimity or freedom. Here’s what he has to say about it:

“In true love you attain freedom. When you love you bring freedom to the person you love. If the opposite is true, it is not true love. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free, not only outside, but inside. ‘Dear one, do you have enough space in your heart and all around you?’ This is an intelligent question for testing out whether your love is something real.”

Some day I may want to live with someone or be married again, but I would like it to take a slower pace than my previous relationships. There’s no reason for hurry. Slowness allows more awareness and mindfulness. Friendships can really blossom over time.

I’m looking for that person it feels effortless to be around. The one I can breathe with–content to spend time together in total silence, just being near each other and understanding what that really means.

There is a little something in my heart these days that tells me not only is what I am looking for possible, I am very close to finding it. It’s a sensation that is hard to put my finger on, but there is definitely something in the air these days. It feels like something in this area is about to shift.

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

“It is the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.”

~Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)

I’m ready.

 

 

Stormy weather

Right up front I am going to admit that this blog is an emotionally charged reaction to something that just happened. It could become rambling and even irrational if I’m not careful.

I had a friend I was in love with. It’s been a little over a year since I last saw him and that’s been weird…though I did promise him I would not let go and I guess I haven’t. This has tormented me over the past year I will admit. When someone in one week’s time, with no discernible provocation, goes from saying he can’t wait to see you to not wanting to see you ever again, it raises questions. Much like what I went through during the breakup of my last serious relationship, I was left with a lot of questions to which no answer would ever be forthcoming from the other person. It’s a difficult thing to work through.

As I have written previously, there is someone at my office who interests me. He’s smart, seems to have a good sense of humor, is gentle and positive. And he’s cute. He’s a sort of nerdy, video gamer sort. I don’t actually know if or how much he plays video games, he just seems very techie.

Today I started thinking about my old friend and how he didn’t respond to the last e-mail I sent to him. He’s been drifting away for this whole past year, so that’s bound to happen. I text or e-mail him once in a while just to maintain the connection because I want this person in my life even if it is by the thinnest spiritual tether.

I was asking the angels earlier if it is time to give up on my friend and move on, maybe find out more about the guy at work. I think he and I could also be good friends. To get an answer to my question, I decided to send a text to my old friend and say hi, just make the connection, see what happens. I realized he might not respond which would be disappointing, but I could survive. Or he could respond and I would get that jolt of lovesick puppy fever again. I didn’t consider that is also possible he would respond, but in a way that is painful to accept.

That’s what happened. I sent him a text message saying hello and asking how he is doing. The response I got was of the most generic, sounded like he was responding to fan mail variety. It was as if he had erased my number from his phone and now didn’t know who the text was from. Which is totally possible I suppose.

So, that hurt. I’m okay now, but I had a few intensely painful moments a little while ago.

Giving up is not always easy. It might be part of my astrological make up, but giving up feels like defeat and I don’t like it. However, in this case, I feel like the events as they unfolded contained a pretty clear message from the angels. It’s time to bless this one and let him go. And that is what I am going to do. I take a lot of lovely memories with me, so it’s okay. I wish for all his dreams to come true. And I wish I could keep my promise to not let go, but I can’t.

So here I am. Free. My life is falling into place again. I am meeting new people…and some of them are adorable.

All is well in my world.

All by myself

It might just be that I spend way too much time alone and way too much time in my head, but my biggest issue in life some days is not knowing if anyone in the universe knows how I feel or understands the things I think about. I’ve been fortunate a few times in life to have met people who just seem to get me, like we are on the same frequency. Whenever that has happened, in both platonic and romantic situations, it has been a cause of much joy for me.

The thing I am pondering today is whether there really are people who make steady progress toward enlightenment and never feel like they are going the wrong direction or backsliding. I guess I just want some validation that what I am going through is normal, though it really shouldn’t matter. Normal is overrated if you ask me.

I’ve been pretty tired lately. With fatigue often comes a feeling of being disconnected. It is the loneliest feeling on earth. And I don’t think I’d feel it as intensely if I had someone  in my life I could share things with. I’ve always had someone to talk to until recently. And I think I took for granted how good it feels to be listened to. And if it is someone who will listen without judging, it is a gift of healing.

Maybe everyone feels like this sometimes. Adrift, untethered.

I suppose I have read in a few books that the path to enlightenment is sprinkled with dark nights of the soul. Those moments or even days when it feels like I have been forsaken by God. But I always figure out that it is I who have forsaken what is most important to me–my connection to the Source of unconditional love. I am thankful I always find my way back.

This is the same tune I have been singing for a while now, but being single is really hard. I love being around my kids, but it’s not the same as having an adult relationship.

The most difficult moments are the ones in which I wonder why I don’t just give up. Sometimes I get tired. I have a lot of responsibility and not very many outlets for my thoughts and feelings about it. It would be so great to be in a healthy, functional relationship. The kind where you don’t need to be together 24-hours a day to feel supported by your partner, but if you were with them 24-hours a day, that would be great too.

Some time ago my ex-boyfriend said a couple of things to me, about me, that were the epitome of what I want in a relationship. He said he had never before in his life felt that someone truly had his back and he also told me that I was the person who finally convinced him that he was a good person. What those two statements told me is that I had successfully communicated my love to this person. He knew I would do anything for him and at some point, maybe for a brief moment, he saw himself through my eyes and saw the goodness I could see in him.

That is what is missing in my life. And I really want that again. Relationships are not about what we can get, they are about the ways in which we can show another person how beautiful they are. There is nothing that feels better than finding the goodness in another person, seeing their radiance.

Part of this gloomy feeling is that the little crush I had on the guy at work is fading. I still think he’s cute, but I cannot tell if he is interested in me at all, so I am ready to move on from it. If an opportunity came up to invite him out for a drink or something, I’d do it. But until then I don’t want to drive myself nuts wondering about this. I have other things to think about.

I started writing this last night and fell asleep before I could finish…today is a new day and there is new hope. I feel more rested than I did yesterday so hopefully the cloud will lift and I’ll find my connection again and maybe not feel so alone.

Today my horoscope said: “Single? The situation you have been mulling over may finally make some headway today, and you may find that you are not single for much longer.”

I am ready to find out.

Things are looking up

I’m feeling pretty thankful tonight. Something has finally shifted in my romantic life. Not a huge shift, but there is movement and that is progress I haven’t felt in a while.

Just over 2 years ago my heart was broken by a person I had spent 3.5 years of my life with in the closest, most intimate relationship I had ever been in. I was left wondering and still wonder at times what happened. He has never explained and has never spoken to me again despite my attempts to find closure so I could move on with my life.

Before I even had a chance to get over that one I met someone I felt like I had spent many lifetimes with and though our relationship remained platonic, I found myself in love with this person. It’s been a year since I last saw him and he also left me with a lot of questions about what happened and why he disappeared so suddenly.

These two relationships destroyed my self-confidence and I have spent most of the last two years trying to feel okay again.

The shift started at the new job. There is a guy there who is nerdy and adorable and I like him. Doesn’t matter if anything ever comes of it, the fact that I have a little crush is huge for me. It just doesn’t happen that often. I don’t connect with people that easily, but I definitely feel an attraction to this cute guy at my job. This makes me so happy.

I don’t know if finding someone cute opened my mind to possibilities, but just today I was contacted by three cute guys over the online dating site. One of them is more than just cute, he’s gorgeous…14 years younger than me…and I don’t even care! Normally I would rule him out immediately because of his age, but when I saw his pictures my age cut off went straight out the window.

I feel so happy and grateful that this area of my life is moving again. I have felt stuck for so long and I started to worry that I was going to spend the rest of my life pining over my friend. I miss him, but now I know I can move on. I’m so relieved I can’t even adequately express it.

Life feels a little sparkly and magical right now. I plan to enjoy this fully.

Letting go of the wheel

How many times does one person have to learn the same lessons? Maybe letting go is one of those things you have to do all of your life. Personally, I’m getting tired of the struggle-realize I’m struggling-let go cycle I seem to repeat so often. Only there’s a step I left out. After I realize I am struggling, I usually have to struggle a bit more to let go. It’s not like I recognize that I am wanting something too much or wishing things were different than they are and then magically I feel better. No, instead I have to go through this whole process where I think Gah! I wish I could just let go! Why does everything have to be so hard? That’s what makes the whole thing suck so much.

For some reason today was one of those days where I felt it necessary to lament being single…again. Only that wasn’t enough all by itself, I decided that since I was already busy wishing things were different than they are, I might as well go ahead and feel badly about my entire life. That makes a ton of sense, doesn’t it? It’s like I’m walking along my path and notice Oh, a pit of despair. I think I’ll jump in.

On my drive home tonight I was sort of demanding of God to know what exactly is being asked of me. Am I being asked to not want anything ever? Or is it the way I am wanting it? Am I doing it wrong? Please, somebody tell me how to do it right and I will.

At times it feels like I may spend the rest of my life paying for mistakes I made out of ignorance and lack of awareness. The reason that’s hard is I am aware now and I really feel the pain of my life because I am not trying to suppress it anymore. I sort of wonder if the sadness will ever end.

I know things are going better than they were, I have a job and that is very helpful. Things could definitely be worse.

This seems to be coming, once again, from that place inside me where I feel different and in a sense separate from my fellow human beings. I’m not fundamentally different, but there are still a lot of unaware, unawakened people in the world and because I have found so few like-minded people, I feel like a fish out of water much of the time.

We humans are mirrors for each other and I feel like I am wandering the earth looking into the eyes of everyone I meet, hoping to see a spark of recognition and not finding it.

That is the key to love, the feeling of being seen, recognized as something precious and wonderful. It’s an amazing gift to give and to receive.

This is the thing I love about being in love. I truly believe that when we are in love is the only time we really see clearly. It doesn’t even have to be romantic love in this instance. It can be a general sense of delight in people. I actually experience this fairly frequently and I think it’s what keeps me going during this period of isolation I am experiencing.

Today during lunch I talked to a coworker. He seems like the type of person most people sort of discount and don’t pay a lot of attention to. And he knows it. And I’m pretty sure he longs to be seen by someone. The way I could tell this is I paid undivided attention to him–because I know how to do that–and this person lit up before my eyes. He was so pleased and happy to be listened to. And it was no trouble to me at all.

As long as I’m thinking about my whole life I might as well remember that all my life I have been that person for so many people. The one with enough patience to work with the mentally challenged or even the people who seem to wear others out quickly. I am able to stay engaged and really give the person a part of myself, the part that cares and understands. And I think the reason I am able to do that is because all my life, that is what I have been seeking. Someone who looks at me and sees nothing wrong and finds it very easy to listen to me.

Once again I am faced with the need to let go of wanting. I need to accept my life the way it is. Because it would be a shame to spend the rest of my life unhappy about something that isn’t going to change. Letting go of everything but hope is quite a challenge. But it’s the only way to have peace.

If you change your thinking and decide to live an authentic life, it’s likely you’ll find yourself alone in the darkest part of the forest for a while before you find new companions on the journey. It’s okay, it’s part of the challenge. When decisions are made with awareness, they come with the knowledge of how sweet it will be when you find someone who truly appreciates you.

I think I’m done crying for the night. I feel better.

I’m just going to let God take over, I need a rest.

Somebody to love

The time is coming when I’m going to be open to the idea of dating again.  My kids are all settled in and it would be really nice to hang out with someone who gets me.  And if that someone just happened to be beautiful, all the better.  I do have a thing for the pretty boys.

There is someone I care about a lot and I would be happy to see it turn into something sweet and romantic, but I think I need to see what my options are.  So far, the dating situation has been unsatisfactory.  And honestly, I’m not entirely sure I know how to do dating.  I’ve done very little of it.  I was married the entirety of my 20′s and 30′s and haven’t really dated all that much since then.  All I really did was have a minor flirtation in law school and then dove right into a serious long-term relationship.  That’s not a lot of experience as an adult.

When I ask the universe to bring the right person for me, I have a hard time not visualizing the particular person I wish it would be.  Because he’s perfect.  The kindest, most gentle person I have ever met…and beautiful.  When I look at him or even think about him I catch my breath.  We have a heart level connection that is never going to go away.  And while I am fully capable of moving on when someone who interests me shows up, I believe there is a good chance I’m always going to feel this way about this guy, so it would be oh so convenient if it ended up being him. There is an innocence to our connection and time spent near him is filled with pure silliness and laughter.  He makes me giddy.

I just need a place to direct this energy I have saved for someone lovely and kind.  It ultimately doesn’t matter who it ends up being, I trust the universe to bring the one who is right for me.  And for the first time in my life I have clearly stated my wishes and focused my full awareness on being open to him when he shows up.  I can’t wait.

Being in love is the best feeling on earth.  It’s intoxicating, better than any drug or alcohol.  And I truly believe it makes us healthier to be that happy.  There is something so magical about looking at someone and seeing their divinity because it’s so bright and clear and radiant.  Being in love makes that effortless.  You see that other person’s beauty without even trying.  I love feeling that way about someone.

I had brief contact yesterday with the person I have romantic feelings for.  It feels like he’s a million miles away even though he’s literally just down the street.  If I read my angel cards correctly though, he’ll be back in my life again someday.  I am very much open to that outcome.  I really want to see him again.

Being in love is my favorite way of being.   I look forward to my new best friend showing up.  It’s kinda like this: