12 things I learned (or learned again) in 2012

It’s pretty hard for me to pass up an opportunity to share what life has taught me. 2012 was good that way. Being the lesson whore I am, I’ve put together a list of things to share–some lovely, some humorous, some exhausting, and some excruciating. But hey, it’s my life and the important thing is, I’d rather be me than anyone else. So here are a few things I learned:

1. If someone is determined to make you the embodiment of their fears and insecurities, there is nothing you can do about it. Walk away, you’ll be better off.

2. The times they are a changin’, in America. The 2012 political season totally underscored my belief in a cosmic paradigm shift. The 2012 election season demonstrated nothing less than a miraculous leap in consciousness in America. Conversations long overdue happened on issues that will take us miles from our blinders on, capitalistic nightmare. It’s like we’ve finally awakened from the American Dream and now we can do something about it.

3. It’s possible to fall in love with someone you’ve never met in person. That was a new one for me. I’m a pretty hard sell on the romantic thing, but it happened to me in 2012 and though it’s but a memory now, I’m glad it happened.

4. If you stay present and keep going, things will get better, you will make progress, no matter what life is dishing out.

5. Most days of my life are awesome. Most days I feel like Hello Kitty incarnate, like I may have been a My Little Pony or a Care Bear in a former life. It’s hard to explain, but it feels pretty good and if you met me, you’d totally know.

6. It really is possible to let go of romantic ideals and love someone unconditionally, even when a little piece of you will always wonder “what if … ?” P.S. It doesn’t have to hurt.

7.  Referring to people with fewer material resources as less fortunate is the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever heard. Anyone who needs to make comparisons between our relative levels of fortune based on how much stuff we have is truly the least fortunate person of all.

8. If everyone read, understood, and practiced the principles in the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, the world would be an easier place to be.

9. Whenever I feel lonely or inclined to strive toward a particular type of relationship (e.g. romantic), what I am really looking for is a closer relationship with the Divine. I seem to learn that one over and over.

10. There are a few things that can make everything better. They’re different for each of us. For me, it’s meditation, bubble baths, writing, and laughing. (I hope you figure out yours and do them often in 2013)

11. Happiness is only available in the now moments. Happiness is for the taking, postponing it in anticipation of some future event is a mistake.

12. Unconditional love can fix any situation, period, end of story.

There are a few other things I learned that were slightly less profound, like how awesome iPhone cameras can be and how great it is to have a cat again, but what really matters is, all things considered, 2012 was challenging in a good way and in important ways, things went more smoothly for me and my family than they have in several years. And for that I am truly grateful.

 

At a loss

Sometimes people talk about how life changes in the blink of an eye and how we should appreciate everyone and everything in our lives because it could all be lost suddenly.  I get that, especially in the case of losing someone suddenly and unexpectedly.  Twelve years ago I experienced that when my sister died.

I’m going to get this out and then try to redirect my thoughts because dwelling on things like loss can set a person up to experience more loss and I truly wish to turn things around and experience abundance and joy, not loss and grief.

I’ll start by saying that something happened last night to trigger the way I am feeling, although I take full responsibility for all of the thoughts that I have been entertaining that have hurt so badly.  I wish I knew why I have to beat myself up emotionally or find someone to do it for me, but I see a pattern here.

This is very likely the dark before the dawn and I suspect that’s why it’s so painful.

I have been looking back over my life and wondering why I would have signed up for this particular assignment.  I believe in reincarnation and I lean towards the belief that we decide before we incarnate what lessons we will learn and which people we will be close to.

My life thus far has been a huge challenge.  Just surviving childhood felt like a miracle.  However, surviving is one thing, learning the lessons required for course correction is another thing entirely.  That is what is bringing me so much pain right now.

Perhaps I’m trying too hard.  It wouldn’t be the first time, but I cannot seem to unlock the lessons that will completely set me free from my past.  I’ll give myself a bit of credit and say that I feel like I have put many things behind me, like the abusive situation I grew up in.  But is it really behind me if I continue to manifest situations and people who support my apparent belief that I am worthless and must be punished?

This blog is my catharsis and I hope nobody is put off by my honesty here.  I don’t really have any people in my life right now other than my kids so I don’t have very many places to unload my thoughts and I don’t talk to anyone.  My life has never been so devoid of friends and yet, I think this is meant to happen this way and I am willing to see how it unfolds.  That is not to say that I feel bleak about the future or I think it’s going to stay like this.  It’s not like that at all.  I see a future filled with friends and people, but right now I have to do this.

One of the analogies that pops into my mind about all of this is an example from the Bible.  The one where Jesus is in the garden the night before his crucifixion and he is praying and asking God to remove this cup, but that he will drink from the cup if it is God’s will.  This symbolism applies to anyone who is facing something difficult that they are not sure they have the strength to endure.  I have felt this way a lot in my life.  When life hands us challenges, we are asked to take them on and to essentially crucify the person we used to be so that the person we are supposed to become can be resurrected.

The reason I have been having a hard time is because the old me and my old life is dying.  It’s okay, I had lessons to learn and I am looking forward to whatever is next in my life.  Sometimes though, I look back over my life and see that there has been a lot of loss and sadness for someone my age.  My whole life has been filled with it whereas I know people not much younger than me who have never lost anyone close and haven’t had too many things go dreadfully wrong in life.  It boggles my mind sometimes.

There are a couple of things I need to remember.  One is that nothing is permanent, not even suffering.  And that love is eternal.  People come and go, things come and go, but the love we experience never goes away.  That is why at the end of the day, love is the only thing that matters.  My purpose is to love, to give it and receive it and do my best to keep it flowing.  As long as I am doing that, none of the other things I worry about matter at all.

And with that, I am going to go get my hair cut so I can look presentable for the interview tomorrow.  Wish me luck!

Resilience

It’s amazing how much mental health improves after going for a walk.  It seems like a cruel irony that people suffering from depression often can’t find the motivation to do the very things that will help.

I know I said I was going to make this blog more positive and I promise I’m doing my best, but some days it’s an uphill battle to keep thinking positively in the face of things going wrong for such a long time.  And honestly, I feel like it should be okay for people to express realistically what is going on in their lives so they can acknowledge it and move on.  We can’t fix what we don’t acknowledge and that is a lot of the reason I have been so up front about my situation.

I want to clarify what I’m talking about because there are a couple of dynamics going on that keep me pretty unsure whether I should share my struggles publicly.

First, there is the shame that comes along with being in the situation I am in.  It’s the kind of thing that can keep people using credit cards after they have accumulated more debt than they can possibly pay back.  It can also make people present a false image of success.  Many people do not truly own most of what they are presenting as the symbols of their success, meaning cars, clothes, jewelry, houses, etc.  So, what we tend to idolize in American society is a false illusion.

Second, there is the tendency for people to complain bitterly about insignificant things.  Our culture collectively whines when we don’t have a fast enough computer or the latest phone or some other small thing is not going our way.  So, even our propensity to complain is illusory because people incessantly gripe about things that are not real problems.  Thus, when people have actual problems, sometimes it cannot be distinguished from the general clamor of dissatisfaction that seems to permeate our existence.

Neither one of these is what I am referring to when I write about being realistic because neither one of the above scenarios is acknowledging and taking responsibility for the reality of one’s circumstances, in my opinion.

The biggest part of what’s bothering me right now is that I feel like I have legitimate concerns over things like having enough money to live and how to take care of the basics of life for me and my kids, but at the same time I feel like I should not give power to those thoughts.  I also worry that by identifying them as concerns I may be solidifying something I do not want in my life.

Recently I found a self-help book that encourages looking at things realistically.  The book is It’s Not the End of the World: Developing Resilience in Times of Change by Joan Borysenko.  I have to say, for the first time in a while I didn’t feel guilty while reading a self-help book.

The author identifies the three main characteristics of resilient people.  And thankfully, I feel like I possess all of them.  So there is hope for me yet.  The first of the three characteristics was realistic optimism.  Apparently in studies, people who were realistically optimistic were shown to be more resilient than pessimists or positive/wishful thinkers.  This was really good news for me, seriously.

The reason this made me happy is that a certain amount of dwelling on my circumstances seems to help motivate me to make changes.  It’s a fine line, but I try to stay on this side of despair.  I can’t say what I go through is comfortable, but it beats looking for people and things to blame.

I’m just ready for some stability.  I need a buffer between me and the harshness of the world.  I have an understanding of how hard it is for most people to get by these days, but ultimately, I do not think the world is better served by me remaining in poverty.  The amount of energy I spend worrying about how to meet immediate and basic needs could be much better spent helping others get out of tough circumstances.  That’s why I feel so frustrated sometimes.

My entire career has been about service and helping people.  And in those situations where that wasn’t the main focus of my job, I made it the focus.  I have brought heart to every job I have ever had, by caring and being determined to do the right thing in all circumstances.  Hopefully, my willingness to do any job will bring something soon.  At this point, I really don’t care what I do as long as I can earn enough money to live.  Once I reach that goal then I will worry about the next career move.

Something has to give.  It’s time.  I have applied for many, many jobs of all different types.  Someone has to want to hire me

If you’re listening God, I’m ready.  Just sayin’…

I started this post yesterday and since then have entertained the idea of putting a donate button on this blog.  It feels a little weird, but at what point does a person let go of pride and do things they wouldn’t normally do, just to survive?  If I do decide to add a donate button to my blog, I will take it down as soon as I have a job and get back on my feet.  As much as I need help right now, I know there are a lot of other people in need as well and I’d like to spend more time thinking of them and less time worrying about my own stuff.  To be fair to myself, I currently spend time each day thinking about and sending blessings to the rest of the world.

I’m sure it will all be fine eventually.  The sooner, the better.