Peaceful, gentle, calm

It may be human nature in general, I’m not sure, but I have noticed that many people only stop complaining about the small things when there are bigger things to complain about. This applies to me as much as anyone, so the intention is not to criticize, it’s merely an observation.

Are we hardwired to worry? Is this the inescapable burden of suffering that we are given during this human experience?

A big part of my spiritual growth the past several years has been learning to stop sweating the small stuff and allowing myself to enjoy life. Some of it involves letting go of the negativity that I grew up with. Though they did their best and most likely did much better than their own parents, my parents taught their kids that the world is basically an unsafe place and that everyone is a potential threat so it is necessary to be on guard constantly. Because of the physical abuse that was also a part of my experience, I am guarded a lot of the time and try to stay at least a step ahead of whatever could go wrong. My biggest obstacles in life have been overcoming a general lack of trust and having to fight my nature to stay in the present moment so I can experience joy.

It’s not that I think I am particularly unique in these ways. In fact, the more I learn about life, the more I discover we are all here to learn the same lessons, it’s all a matter of degree. Some of us have big lessons to learn and some of us have small ones. But they are the same in that ultimately we are all here to learn how to love as unconditionally as possible and how to live in harmony.

I have been listening to a lecture by Pema Chodron in which she comments on a chapter of the book The Way of the Bodhisattva by Shantideva. It’s a book I have not read, but now feel that I must. Part of the chapter deals with developing bodhichitta, which though hard for me to describe fully, basically means having a sense of good will toward everything. This is such an important part of why I am on this planet and I wish to cultivate this quality in myself.

To the greatest degree possible, I wish to live the rest of my life doing as little harm as possible. That is not to say my intention has ever been to cause harm, it hasn’t, but until recent years I did not have a specific intention to do no harm.

The thing that most challenges me is keeping things in perspective, staying focused on the bigger picture, the grander scheme of things, while dealing with the minutiae of day-to-day reality. I believe I get better at it all the time, but it remains the most difficult thing I deal with. At least it gives me something to aspire to.

The bodhisattva vows to reincarnate until all souls are awakened. That is such a beautiful concept. To me it is the same as a savior who gives his life to pay for others’ sins.

I believe sins are merely mistakes we make when we don’t have the knowledge or ability to do any better.

Every time we choose to forgive, overlook a mistake, or treat someone with kindness and gentleness, we are saving each other. People are naturally hard on themselves. It comes from believing lies that have been around since the beginning of time. Nobody needs to have their flaws pointed out, but most people could use a little reassurance that they really are doing okay.

Those who find fault in others are looking outward for answers that can only be found within. Ultimately, we really are all looking for the same thing, love.

The great news is that we can help each other by developing the qualities of forgiveness, compassion, kindness and unconditional love.

I had to spend two years in near total solitude to figure some of this stuff out, but it has been the greatest gift I have ever received.

“Out of a shattered open heart springs a fountain of fiery sacred passion that will never run dry.” ~Rumi

Isn’t it ironic that the way to this place is through the dark valley of heartbreak?

We should all take a breather from worry and complaining about minutiae whenever possible. If we find more moments free of those things, the world will be a much more gentle place.  It’s a strong argument for meditation and prayer.

It is my wish that more people find ways to set aside worry and find the joy in even the most mundane moments because, when you think about it, each one is truly a miracle.

Forgiveness

This morning I was thinking about how I have learned less about the importance of forgiveness from needing to forgive the mistakes of others than I have from needing it for myself and not knowing if I have it.

Most people can likely relate to what I’m saying, but I don’t know how many have experienced it to the degree I have in the past few years. Everybody has hurt somebody and sometimes we can really feel the weight of our decisions. In my quest to know myself and my relationship to the thing most people call God, people have been hurt. Some of them (my decisions) have been huge and unskillfully made. It saddens me sometimes when I see the effects of my mistakes.

In the past few years I have separated from every person I have ever been close to. Intentionally and unintentionally. It has been the most painful process and series of life lessons I have ever been through, but it needed to happen. Many lessons were learned about relationships and how the universe works. Right now I’m very cautiously considering adding new friends to my life and reestablishing some older connections.

I feel like I can do this now because I am interacting with people again through work and it feels like I am releasing bad karma and building up good. Spending too much time alone is not healthy long-term. Not for me anyway. It automatically encourages too much thinking of oneself. And life is about the other, I am convinced of it.

This is the lesson I have learned over the past couple of years of desolate solitude: My life isn’t about me. My life is about my interaction with the rest of reality. Even when I am alone for long periods of time, I cannot escape the fact that my thoughts determine many things, the impact of which is felt not just by me, but everyone I encounter, however briefly. It is absolutely my duty to cultivate a heart of compassion and forgiveness. We all deserve to be treated with respect, understanding and acceptance. And because we all deserve it, cultivating these qualities in myself is the highest calling to which I can aspire in this lifetime.

This is why I am living life the way I have chosen. Being present and aware is the only way to learn the lessons. Whatever life hands me, my  job is to experience it, to learn from that experience, and with that knowledge, make the world a more loving place.

The really wonderful moments of my life often include these moments of insight. As the answers come to me and I am able to put them into practice, I experience moments of true peace and joy. No external thing can produce, describe or compare to this feeling.

I am doing my best to keep it real, which for me means staying aware, understanding myself and my motivations, and honoring the thing that unites us all. I am hoping that having come quite a distance in the process of holding myself accountable for my experience, I am able to have compassion for those who are still not quite able to. Life lessons come at a high price and I don’t blame anyone for being afraid of going there. Ultimately, my hope is that the quality of my relationships going forward will be much higher than it has been in the past.

The only person I will ever really need to forgive is me. Everyone is doing their best. Anyone I perceive as having harmed me in some way is no exception to that. There is nothing to forgive when you really think about it.

As for me, I have made a lot of mistakes, big ones. But I have never really held a desire to intentionally hurt anyone. My life has been way more about wanting to help than hurt. But I’m human and I have made decisions that have harmed others. I wish to be forgiven for those, especially those I have thus far been unable to correct. It’s never too late and I keep my mind and heart open to opportunities that will lead to neutralizing any negative effects of my actions and to spiritual reconciliation with anyone I have ever harmed. It’s not necessary to have all of these people become a part of my day-to-day life again, but it is necessary for the spiritual connections I have to be of the clearest, highest and most positive frequency.

I have been a bit uninspired to write lately. Fatigue from work combined with thinking hard about people and human nature left me more introspective than expressive for a while. Such are the cycles of life. Things have opened for the moment and there are things to share. This moment will give way to the next, which may again be a moment of contemplation and reflection with little expression. Both are equally valuable.

I have much gratitude for what I have gained through life’s difficulties. Insight is an amazing gift. Seeing more, seeing a grander picture. The world is so much bigger and richer coming from the perspective of awareness.

All the things I went looking for, unconditional love, acceptance, kindness, understanding, and compassion, I found them. Inside.

I am blessed.

“When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” ~Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)

“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”  ~Maya Angelou

“I’m just sitting here watching the wheels go ’round and ’round, I really love to watch them roll. No longer riding on the merry-go-round, I just had to let it go.” ~John Lennon

Words of wisdom

Spiritual practices can be so simple and yet many people, myself included at times, insist on complicating them. What are we really called to do other than have a grateful heart and show compassion and forgiveness to our fellow humans? Not much. After that, everything else is just details.

I am a collector of wisdom. One of the ways I do it is by collecting quotes. Quotes from great literature, philosophy, history, religion, art and science. Collecting bits of wisdom left to us by amazing enlightened thinkers is one of the most solid spiritual practices I have ever done. Because every time I read someone’s gentle thoughts on love, forgiveness, kindness, compassion or gratitude, I am reminded of my purpose and strengthened in my resolve to realize it.

Connecting with someone through their words is connecting with their mind. And when we connect with the mind of another, we connect with the One Mind.

It’s amazing when you think about it. Time and space dissolve when we truly understand someone’s words (thoughts).

The quote that started me thinking about all of this:

“If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, “thank you,” that would suffice.” ~Meister Eckhart

That’s why it’s important to express ourselves. No matter how uncomfortable it might feel to make yourself vulnerable, you can never predict who might be helped or inspired by what you have to say.

I hope more people start posting blogs.

Life is really beautiful.

Spiritual awakening kit

A 23-year-old from the online dating site asked me, after reading my profile, if I have any advice for him. He’s a young Buddhist and is interested in learning more about life. I told him the best advice I could give anyone is to be here now and to be in the present moment as much as possible because only from the present moment do we have the power to heal the past and create the future.

So now, I am wondering if I were to put together a spiritual survival kit of sorts, what would be in it? Here are some of the books, dvds and other items I would put together for someone starting down the path I have been on:

• The Bible
• A dvd of What the Bleep Do We Know, the extended quantum edition
• The Game of Life and How to Play it by Florence Scovel Shinn
• Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Nhat Hanh
• You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay
• A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson
• A Course in Miracles
• Angels 101 by Doreen Virtue
• The Secret by Rhonda Byrne
• The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
• Science of Mind by Ernest Holmes
• Tao te Ching
• Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl
• Siddhartha by Herman Hesse
• The Alchemist by Paulo Coehlo
• Crystals, specifically: clear quartz, rose quartz, amethyst, citrine, moonstone, and blue lace agate
• Beautiful music
• Candles
• Incense
• Paper and pen
• A sense of humor

There are a lot more books I could put on the list. In the past few years I have read so many that have impacted me. Whenever I find a book that speaks to me, it invariably leads me to others that do as well.

Even with its ups and downs, this has been an amazing journey I’ve been on the past several years. It makes me really look forward to whatever is next. It  just gets better and better.

It’s a privilege to share what I have learned with everyone.

 

The love of truth

Speak the truth in love.  That is the main thing I took away from my 5 years as a member of a Lutheran church.  It’s very interesting that leaving that church, which for me was leaving the Church, did not cause me to have bad feelings toward the church, its members, or Christianity in general.  I was more involved in that congregation than the one I had belonged to for the 15 years prior to it and I still love the people I knew there.

I am a lover of the truth.  And I am a lover of kindness.  Which leads me to ask: Is it possible to consistently deliver the truth with kindness?  Is brutal honesty ever necessary?  I say no, it is never necessary.  I think if a person can’t find a kind way to express whatever it is they need to say, then the thing is not important enough to say in the first place.

“People who are brutally honest get more satisfaction out of the brutality than out of the honesty.”  ~Richard J. Needham

My ex-boyfriend believed brutal honesty was the only way to go.  Consequently, he proceeded to tell me some of the most miniscule faults he saw in me.  It was very hurtful at times.  He called me clumsy and weak and once asked me if I ever loaded a dishwasher before in my life because I put a wooden handled steak knife in the machine.  He also told me fairly early on in our relationship that he didn’t love me and when I was away on business once, he told me he didn’t miss me.  Why?  I don’t even understand the point of it really. 

He and I never agreed on this topic.

There is an old saying that if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.  That’s a very good (and simple) rule of thumb regarding communicating with others. It reminds me of something I often say about my fellow humans and that is: I have never met a person who needed me to show them their faults, but I have met many who needed me to show them their beauty.

The other reason I disagreed with the ex-boyfriend about his need to deliver the blunt truth without consideration for feelings is the futility of dispatching a message that cannot be received because the recipient feels attacked.  Why bother telling someone something in such a way that they won’t be able to hear you?  Most people shut down on some level and do not process information from a rational perspective when they feel defensive

When I am telling someone something, I want them to be able to hear me, so I deliver the truth with kindness and compassion and I do not bother with information the sole purpose of which is to hurt.  If the only thing that can be accomplished by saying something is to hurt the person you’re saying it to, then that thing doesn’t need to be said.  Because those kinds of things are usually about something that isn’t going to change or the person has no control over and they often contain no truth at all.

When some of the ex-boyfriend’s friends said bad things about him to me after the breakup, this was information that served no purpose but to hurt.  To hurt him and to hurt me.  I was doing all I could to keep an open and forgiving heart and give him the benefit of the doubt knowing that he did the best he could.  Like the situation with my parents, it was a pretty poor best by most people’s standards, but he did his best with the knowledge and awareness he had at the time.  His friends’ attempts to console me by bashing him is understandable given the society we currently live in but nonetheless, not helpful.

Speak the truth in love.  Anything that does not come from love should not be spoken.

Seek His Face

It’s amazing the insights that come after a challenging day.  I’m exhausted.  I had to deal with some stuff today, but everything ended up fine and all is well.

In these last few quiet moments before I go to sleep, I am thinking about spiritual awakening and how it is a really interesting process in which a person sees what was right in front of them all along.  I think God really wants to be seen by us.  He/She/It leaves clues everywhere.  Every moment of every day.  It’s like when someone is trying to point something out to you and you just can’t see it and then when you do, you wonder how you missed it.  It’s like getting new glasses and realizing how poor your vision was.

I’m so grateful to get to start over new every day.  To know you’ve done your best at the end of the day is a gift.  To get a do over every morning is a blessing beyond words.

The world is a beautiful place.

At a loss

Sometimes people talk about how life changes in the blink of an eye and how we should appreciate everyone and everything in our lives because it could all be lost suddenly.  I get that, especially in the case of losing someone suddenly and unexpectedly.  Twelve years ago I experienced that when my sister died.

I’m going to get this out and then try to redirect my thoughts because dwelling on things like loss can set a person up to experience more loss and I truly wish to turn things around and experience abundance and joy, not loss and grief.

I’ll start by saying that something happened last night to trigger the way I am feeling, although I take full responsibility for all of the thoughts that I have been entertaining that have hurt so badly.  I wish I knew why I have to beat myself up emotionally or find someone to do it for me, but I see a pattern here.

This is very likely the dark before the dawn and I suspect that’s why it’s so painful.

I have been looking back over my life and wondering why I would have signed up for this particular assignment.  I believe in reincarnation and I lean towards the belief that we decide before we incarnate what lessons we will learn and which people we will be close to.

My life thus far has been a huge challenge.  Just surviving childhood felt like a miracle.  However, surviving is one thing, learning the lessons required for course correction is another thing entirely.  That is what is bringing me so much pain right now.

Perhaps I’m trying too hard.  It wouldn’t be the first time, but I cannot seem to unlock the lessons that will completely set me free from my past.  I’ll give myself a bit of credit and say that I feel like I have put many things behind me, like the abusive situation I grew up in.  But is it really behind me if I continue to manifest situations and people who support my apparent belief that I am worthless and must be punished?

This blog is my catharsis and I hope nobody is put off by my honesty here.  I don’t really have any people in my life right now other than my kids so I don’t have very many places to unload my thoughts and I don’t talk to anyone.  My life has never been so devoid of friends and yet, I think this is meant to happen this way and I am willing to see how it unfolds.  That is not to say that I feel bleak about the future or I think it’s going to stay like this.  It’s not like that at all.  I see a future filled with friends and people, but right now I have to do this.

One of the analogies that pops into my mind about all of this is an example from the Bible.  The one where Jesus is in the garden the night before his crucifixion and he is praying and asking God to remove this cup, but that he will drink from the cup if it is God’s will.  This symbolism applies to anyone who is facing something difficult that they are not sure they have the strength to endure.  I have felt this way a lot in my life.  When life hands us challenges, we are asked to take them on and to essentially crucify the person we used to be so that the person we are supposed to become can be resurrected.

The reason I have been having a hard time is because the old me and my old life is dying.  It’s okay, I had lessons to learn and I am looking forward to whatever is next in my life.  Sometimes though, I look back over my life and see that there has been a lot of loss and sadness for someone my age.  My whole life has been filled with it whereas I know people not much younger than me who have never lost anyone close and haven’t had too many things go dreadfully wrong in life.  It boggles my mind sometimes.

There are a couple of things I need to remember.  One is that nothing is permanent, not even suffering.  And that love is eternal.  People come and go, things come and go, but the love we experience never goes away.  That is why at the end of the day, love is the only thing that matters.  My purpose is to love, to give it and receive it and do my best to keep it flowing.  As long as I am doing that, none of the other things I worry about matter at all.

And with that, I am going to go get my hair cut so I can look presentable for the interview tomorrow.  Wish me luck!