A touch of grace

Why are we humans so attached to our problems? I suppose it could just be me, but even with all the spiritual self-discipline I have at times, sometimes I still struggle and grapple with a problem until it’s too painful to handle anymore before I will let go.

The thing about letting go is, even though it usually happens while one is at the edge of the pit of despair, the relief is immediate and palpable.

I had a particularly emotionally difficult night a couple of nights ago. So many things coming at me from multiple directions. Way more than I could process and expect to sleep at all before work. By the time I got home, less than 4 hours before I was supposed to be at work, I was freezing from walking outside for a couple of hours and my heart was heavy. I got into bed trying to warm up, but lay shivering for some time. As I was lying there hoping to settle down enough to go to sleep, I experienced a moment of grace.

My thoughts were racing from an earlier interaction with a friend that caught me off guard. I was crying. And I realized that, with regard to the particular situation that was troubling me, I have no answers anymore. It needed to be turned over to God. Trying to figure it out, which is something I have been putting effort into for far longer than just recently, causes distress.

When I reached the end of my rope, I prayed…in the name of Jesus, something I haven’t done in a long time because I am no longer a member of a church and I don’t consider myself a Christian by the standard definition. What happened was a small miracle. It was after 3 a.m. and I get up for work at 6 a.m. I was tearful and cold and felt very alone. It was one of those situations where I could have lain awake for hours, but knew I needed at least a little sleep to be able to do my job. So I simply said: I am out of answers, this situation requires grace, not obsessive worry. Jesus, please take this burden from my heart so I can rest a few hours before work. Then I fell asleep.

It was amazing because the effect was immediate. I said the prayer, closed my eyes and went to sleep instantly. I don’t fall asleep that easily on a normal day when everything is good. I’ve always had trouble shutting my mind off. I feel tremendous gratitude for this miracle.

Two very big lessons came to me from this experience.

The first is that even though it can feel uncomfortable, that dark place, the place of despair where you’ve run out of ideas, that’s not a bad place…unless you stay there spinning your wheels. That moment is the moment of grace, if you are willing to receive it. If you are willing to truly let things go and put no more energy into struggling. It’s really quite beautiful.

The other insight I gained from the experience is just because I am not a Christian by other people’s standards does not mean that I am no longer allowed to call upon the name of Jesus. That is a relationship nobody can take from me and I should never have given it up voluntarily.

Because of my understanding of religion and metaphor, it should have been clear to me that the name of Jesus does not belong to anyone exclusively. Jesus belongs to anyone who anyone who wants to connect with him.

In the truly difficult moments I am always somehow reminded that I am not alone. For this I am eternally grateful.

Namaste.

Grief or self-pity?

Sometimes the events of life are difficult to put in perspective. There are moments of sadness, grief, and pain. It doesn’t have to be the death of a loved one, it can be anything that produces a profound sense of disappointment or loss. There are many legitimate reasons to grieve. But grief can be a very lonely and isolating experience.

I’ve been wondering lately about the line between grief and self-pity and how to know when I have crossed it.

I was a sensitive kid who grew into a sensitive adult. I wish to experience a world where everyone loves and accepts each other. Experiencing the cruelty of the world with greed, hatred, intolerance, and injustice being the things on the minds of most people has been difficult for me. This and feelings of disappointment at my perceived failures have recently caused me sadness and grief.

In a way, feelings of grief have been a part of my life as far back as I can remember. This is why I have worked toward letting go of so much past baggage. It’s in putting those things to rest that I am able to experience joy.

My familiarity with grief goes back to a childhood marked by cruelty that was complicated by an inability to understand how people (my parents) could harbor so much rage and hate that they would harm their own child. It never made any sense to me.

Whenever I witness cruelty toward people or animals it makes me sad.

This brings me to the fundamental thing that perplexes me about people in general. In my mind we are not called to do anything impossible or even monumentally difficult as human beings. We are supposed to love, forgive, and accept each other because that is what we all want for ourselves. Jesus said there are basically two commandments, Love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength; and love your neighbor as yourself. That’s it. Doing those two things fulfills the entirety of the law.

Why is it so hard for us to forgive each other and just accept our fellow humans? When we are able to do this on a grand scale, none of the other ills of the world will exist. It won’t be possible. Love dissolves evil. If we are able to develop unconditional love in ourselves individually, we contribute to the future possibility of a perfect world.

I recently figured out that while grief can be a slippery slope into self-pity, it’s really only a problem when it’s impossible to recognize goodness or have gratitude.

While I was researching the difference between grief and self-pity, I came upon some websites for people whose children have died. I’m a bit more familiar with the topic than I wish I was, but it caused me to pause and remember that right now, regardless of what I would change about my life if I could, my children, the greatest joys of my life, are happy and healthy. They feel good about themselves, they are well cared for, and they know they are loved. Not everybody can say that. I am blessed.

So I realize that what I have been feeling is grief. A momentary sadness and disappointment with my actual life compared to the expectations I had for myself. It’s normal and it doesn’t define me. I thought my career was going a certain direction, but it seems to be taking a detour. I also did not expect to find myself alone at this point in my life, especially after finding my soul mate. My version of my life story is different than I have seen it play out. It’s okay, it presents me with a question so profound that it is the very basis of my personal philosophy: Whatcha gonna do? We can’t give up just because things aren’t going the way we thought they would go. It’s the point at which this question presents itself that we decide whether to let grief turn into self-pity. The answer to that one question is our response to life.

I’m looking forward to things getting better. As they do, I hope to find the beauty in as many moments as possible.

May all creatures have peace, love, and ease of well-being. This is my true wish.

It’s called practice for a reason

I’ve been slacking spiritually. This happens from time to time and it doesn’t feel very good, but sometimes I get so preoccupied with worrying about stuff that I let go of the wrong things. I still find myself inspired by the seemingly mundane, but I need to get back to a more regular habit of meditation, especially the metta meditations. My spiritual practice has become rather weak lately.

My life goes most smoothly when I am blessing and uplifting my fellow humans. I’ve been doing less of that recently and I need to step it up. In fact, last night I found myself saying some pretty unfortunate things about some people I met at my last job. There were some truly unusual people at that job and I have struggled to see the good in some of them. But what I need to remember is anything negative I recognize in someone else is but a reflection of some aspect of myself that I do not wish to face. When I am able to remember this I am able to care about people regardless of their behavior.

Just as in gratitude, in forgiveness sometimes we have to take things down to the very basics. Just as sometimes life becomes so difficult it is necessary to give thanks for just being able to survive ones circumstances, sometimes we have to look at others as people who are doing their best, no matter how unfortunate their best might be, and know that all beings just want to be happy. Sometimes people just stray really far from the truth and seek happiness where it cannot be found. It’s a form of hell. And it’s hard to see people stuck there.

I need to reconnect with the Source because every once in a while when I am talking with someone, I say things that I know have come from a wisdom much higher than my own. And I know for certain that when I am diligent about meditation and spiritual study, those moments happen more frequently. Synchronicities become an everyday occurrence. It’s easy to forgive people and it’s easy to love them. Life takes on a sparkly, magical quality. It’s like being in love…with the whole world. It’s the most amazing thing ever.

Seriously, who wouldn’t want to feel like that? It’s intoxicating.

I set my intention, once again, to the path I have chosen and I look forward to daily miracles.

Our spiritual well-being requires constant care, just like our physical well-being. It’s never a done deal. I am happy to put forth the effort for the sake of my fellow humans.

 

Seek first

Today I am praying for God to protect the people of the east coast of the United States. I have friends there and I give thanks for their continued safety during the hurricane.

Melancholy pervades my existence these days. I feel very much alone and adrift. And I’m being what I wish was realistic with myself, but is probably more like harsh and judgmental.

My life looks nothing like I thought it would at this point and there are times when I cannot help but feel a profound sense of disappointment in myself. I have accomplished more than I ever dreamed of in some areas, but there are things that I thought would fall into place that haven’t and most of the major areas of my life have been affected.

All of this started about 5 years ago, but things really fell apart a couple of years ago. And while I feel like I have made important progress, it feels like there is still so much left to do to clean up the aftermath of the hurricane of events that blew through my life, leveling everything I had been building for years. Everything I thought was important was lost. My relationship with my family, my best friend, the job I loved, and any sense of financial security I may have had. All gone, all about the same time, early 2009.

Every once in a while I look at my life and can’t see the sense in it. Those are the moments it is most painful to be me. I have been experiencing many of those the past few days.

Much of what I have been going through this week likely results from being tired. I’ve been staying up way too late and going to work on very few hours of sleep. When I try to function in this way, every area of my life suffers, most notably my perspective.

When I look at my life, I am not at the top of my professional success. I do not believe it is impossible for me to be again, but I still have to figure out exactly what that means to me.

What has all the pain and struggle gotten me? A heart of pure compassionate gold. What some consider life’s greatest treasure. Sometimes it is hard to appreciate the gifts of the spirit when I am busy using them.

I may not have achieved perfect professional or financial success, but how much does that really define who I am or why I am here?

What do I have that I can share with people? Goodness. My heart.

I am one of those people who spends a good deal of time praying for other people. I pray constantly, all day every day. I use the majority of my time and energy blessing people and making divine requests on behalf of those in need of grace. I wish for all beings to have peace and wellness.

People who know me ask me to pray for them when they are facing challenges. Many of my friends have expressed a high level of confidence in the effectiveness of my thoughts and prayers. It seems as if I am regarded as one who is close to God. And in my truest and best moments I am. I have been close to God my entire life though I have understood the concept many different ways over the years. When I put together all of the ideas I have had about God in my entire life, it forms a beautiful mosaic of thought. The very few conclusions I have come to have produced a kind and gentle nature that I will never live to regret.

I have worked at this relationship and it has produced great things.

³² For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. ³³ But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.³⁴ “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. –Matthew 6:32-34 (New American Standard Bible)

If this passage from the Bible is true, all I have to do is stay focused on everything that is good, right, just and loving. Everything else will fall into place on its own. There are moments when I know this as surely as I know anything. Other times I have to remind myself, hence blog posts such as this one.

Wishing for angel protection for those in the path of the hurricane, literally or symbolically.

Found

Doreen Virtue is one of my favorite spiritual gurus. Her books are filled with light and hope and sweet intentions. In one of the first of her books that I read, she relayed a story about her mother teaching her the metaphysical concept of the power of making declarations. In Doreen’s story, she had lost something she loved, I can’t remember what it was, but it may have been a purse. She was upset and her mother taught her to declare Nothing is ever lost in the mind of God. Shortly after making the declaration and believing it, her possession was returned to her.

It might not seem like a huge thing because people lose and find things all the time, but consider the energy of a calm mind that does not believe in the concept of lost compared to a frantic mind that is reinforcing the same concept.

Which one seems like it might have more positive power of attraction?

Good things come to those who wait. I do not think that saying is referring to time when it speaks of waiting. I believe it’s talking about the nature of waiting and being patient. The way to true patience is through belief in a positive outcome. Without that belief patience, and the equanimity that comes with it, cannot happen.

The recent news I received about my job ending sooner than expected caused me a bit of emotional turmoil. I’m doing the best I can to stay positive, but I have been fighting my tendency to worry. When I have the luxury of time for contemplation, these things and their solutions become clear very quickly, but sometimes during the work week, I do not have that luxury. At least I haven’t made the time. As a result, I suffer a certain amount before I am able to put things in perspective. Something that happened recently has helped me see the power of believing that nothing is ever truly lost and that the concept can apply on a bigger scale than just possessions.

A couple of weeks ago on my lunch hour, I stopped at a hair salon nearby my office and had my hair cut. I had never been there before, but passed it while I was taking a walk. While she was cutting my hair, the stylist pulled out one of my earrings with the comb. She handed it to me and I put it in my purse so I could put it on after I was finished. I forgot about it for a few days and ended up putting on a different pair, but later remembered and searched my purse for my earring. It was gone. I looked in every corner of my purse and could not find my earring. I wasn’t distraught because I let go of material possessions pretty easily, but I was disappointed.

A few more days passed and I thought about my earring again and felt myself wishing I could find it. Then I remembered Doreen Virtue’s affirmation: Nothing is ever lost in the mind of God.

This affirmation makes sense to me on so many levels. You don’t even have to have any one particular belief as to who or what God is for this to work.

This affirmation also makes sense to me because I have used it successfully before. I make the declaration, sit quietly for a few moments and then go to whatever location pops into my mind and find the thing I was looking for. It’s pretty exciting when that happens.

So I decided to use the declaration again. I told myself over and over Nothing is ever lost in the mind of God, but this time I didn’t wait for an answer or do anything else. Mainly because I was tired and not feeling well much of the week. The important part of making the declaration was that I believed it. My earring was not gone, it was somewhere, and I was summoning it back to me.

The day after I made the declaration, I went to work and found my earring sitting on my desk in front of my computer keyboard. Immediately I thought it must have fallen from my purse and been retrieved by the office cleaning crew.

That’s not what happened.

Later that morning I saw the operations manager for our office and commented on her hair. She asked me if I had found my earring. Nobody knew about my missing earring, so I was caught off guard by the question. She told me that when she was having her hair cut the night before, the stylist told her that someone from her office left an earring there. While chatting during my hair cut the week before, I mentioned where I was working for the summer. Turns out she has been cutting this manager’s hair for the past 10 years.

My earring found its way back to me serendipitously.  Was it due to the declaration? I believe it was. There was no progress in its return until I focused my intent on the belief that my earring was not lost.

Because I have so successfully used this declaration, this morning I was thinking that it must work on a grander scale.

As above, so below. As below, so above.

Earlier I was feeling quite a bit of angst about my life. I was feeling like a loser and looking around me seeing a crappy, meaningless life. And yet I know that thoughts and feelings are fleeting unless we cling to them. When I couldn’t shake the feeling, which had actually been with me since the previous day, I knew that I was fighting rather than accepting it. So I felt crappy…so what? Does it make any of the things I was thinking true? Only if I decide they are.

The way I got out of that place of low energy was to embrace it as part of the process I go through to get to the next level. Uncertainty and surprises make me uncomfortable. Some of this is due to my childhood being unpredictably violent. When I can’t immediately see how things are going to be okay, sometimes I start to think they will not be. I do not need to be angry or disappointed with myself when these thoughts happen, I just need to recognize it for what it is, let it go, and find the way back to a place that feels peaceful.

Nothing is ever lost in the mind of God. Not earrings, not jobs and certainly not love. So everything I can think of to worry about is only a source of worry for as long as I affirm its existence.

The world needs as many positive affirmations as we can think of right now. Darkness threatens to overwhelm us, but we do not have to give in to it. In God’s mind we are a perfect idea. It’s just that sometimes that knowledge is obscured by other thoughts, much the same way the blue sky can be obscured by clouds. It’s still there, we just can’t see it.

“The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places. But still there is much that is fair. And though in all lands, love is now mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps, the greater.” ~J.R.R. Tolkien (The Lord of the Rings)

Temptation

“What I think is that a good life is one hero journey after another. Over and over again, you are called to the realm of adventure, you are called to new horizons. Each time, there is the same problem: do I dare? And then, if you do dare, the dangers are there, and the help also, and the fulfillment or the fiasco. There’s always the possibility of a fiasco. But there’s also the possibility of bliss.” ~Joseph Campbell ♥

Today I found out that my short-term job has become even shorter term and will terminate at the end of this month, three weeks from today. It was unexpected, but I’m sorting through my feelings about it.

When I first learned this news and for a while after I got home tonight, I felt stressed and pretty awful. My mind immediately went into panic mode trying to think of all the things that need to happen right away. Find a new job, get dental and medical appointments done while we still have insurance and brace myself for tough times ahead.

Wait a minute…brace myself for tough times? Why? The only reason I would worry now about things that haven’t happened yet and may never happen is that I have made an assumption that there is definitely something to worry about. Somehow I decided that there are no jobs out there and that nobody will want to hire me anyway. Way to create the future with my thoughts.

It occurred to me this evening that it is just as easy to choose to feel happy and open and welcoming of whatever the universe has in store for me next. This most recent job was a great experience in which I met some very dear people. It allowed me to pay my expenses for the past couple of months and was fun and rewarding. Blessings all around. Why should the next experience be any different?

I fell into an ego trap today. I listened, however briefly, to that mean little voice inside that whispers: You are not good enough and you never will be. That oddly familiar angst, so tempting in its predictability. It’s easy to slip into feeling badly…if you’ve done enough of it. It’s intentionally deciding not to that takes effort.

Change is hard sometimes.

“Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” ~Proverb

Ya know?

It is my intention to be happy for the closing of one chapter of my life so that a new one may open. May all the magic and power of the universe come together to bring new blessings in the form of new people and experiences. My heart is open. I am ready. And I am grateful.

My choice is to joyously welcome all the good that is coming to me, not be angst ridden and fearful over the calamity I have conjured up in my mind. If I’m going to create things with my mind, why not create light, joyous, beautiful things? It’s my choice, it’s my mind, I am the one in control of this experience.

The world does not need more thoughts of lack and worry and uncertainty. By choosing to think happy thoughts, I am contributing to the good energy that is going to improve things for everyone. We all contribute every day. How often do we stop and consider where we’re putting our energy?

Time for another transition.

Those who embrace change free themselves from the bondage of the ego, which tries to convince us that the unknown is scary. Only if we declare it so.

Impermanence is a beautiful thing. Where would we be without it?

Thinking about stuff

Though I am getting better every day, sometimes it is so clear to me that I can be my own worst enemy. This is behavior I seek to be aware of so I can change it. It’s getting easier to see when I’m doing it at least. That’s helpful.

The thing to remember is that nothing outside of this moment really exists. Now is the only time that is ever real. Before we’ve had time to analyze a situation and declare it good or bad. The moment the information arrives. The past has our spin on what we remember and the future has our projections. The reason life goes the direction it is going is directly connected to the declarations we make about events of the past. That has been my experience anyway. The more aware I become, the easier it is to see the connection.

So it seems to me that being fully present in the moment as much as possible, relieving oneself of the burdens of the past gives us the power to influence the future. The less time we spend reliving the past, the faster we will achieve our dreams.

That is one of the reasons I have been laying down some of my burdens in this blog. It’s been therapeutic and I have seen a lot of positive change in my life as a result. As I move forward, I am trying to make a solid commitment to writing no matter what kind of mood I’m in. I need to stop worrying so much about alienating people. This is my story. There is no wrong way for me to tell it as long as I am kind and gentle about it. It’s taken me a lot of work to cultivate my current mindset. If there is one thing I can trust about myself, it’s my ability to communicate a message lovingly and with as little judgment as possible.

My goal is to continue to see when I am treating myself poorly and correct that when it happens. Even when I make a bad decision, the moment that decision is made, it’s in the past. Worrying and beating myself up for it is not helpful. Being in the now means working with the information I have at any given time without adding anything to it. If I look at things dispassionately as cause and effect, it should be easier to identify what’s not working and correct it. The only time the truth is hard to face is when we attach to the facts emotions which may or may not be relevant.

I am ready to be honest with myself about some things. Not sure how much of it will end up in this blog, but it’s time to put a few more things to rest. The past is over, none of that can hurt me anymore if I choose to look at it with mindful awareness and let it go. From here on out, if I am hurting, I need to look at myself and find out what kinds of lies I am telling myself that are making me feel badly about myself. Nothing can hurt me without my permission. I choose what hurts me and what doesn’t. If I made the rule I can break it. (Note: I’m not feeling hurt or anything right now, this is just a general insight and knowledge of the power of choice.)

I think it’s a good idea to ask oneself regularly What am I doing and why am I doing it?  Any behavior you want to get rid of will eventually give way to those two questions. I break habits all the time with this thinking. I have a tremendous amount of will power and I am a very determined person. As I grow in awareness I will increase my ability to influence my future in the direction I wish for it to unfold. The more I trust my gut the less work my brain has to do. I can trust my intuition to lead me correctly because I know where my heart is at. I don’t have to fret and fuss trying to figure things out. I know I am guided by a higher intelligence that, when welcomed, rains down blessings upon us all.

It is possible to stop being your own worst enemy. When you bring awareness to your life you take control of your destiny. It’s a process, but one that’s worth the effort.

Sometimes it seems like this entire experience on earth is between me and God and nobody else. And I suppose on some level that is true. It really does bring a sense of peace when I realize the only one I can ever need to apologize to is God and that is to say, my own higher nature. I’m the only one I really have to deal with in this lifetime. This is good news because I am a challenge. I take up a lot of my energy.

Learning how to make myself feel better about things is the greatest skill I have cultivated in the past few years. I spent so much of my life worried and anxious and now I am free. All it took was awareness and a willingness to see the bigger picture. Life is never as complicated as we try to make it. This is very comforting for me when I am sorting through the mind garbage and deciding what to throw out.

And I must remember, there are angels who love to help. Angels see us as we truly are and they love the beauty they find in us. I have definitely felt the presence of angels in my life, though I couldn’t prove their existence in a court of law. More and more they feel like my companions on this journey. The more easily I remember that, the more peace I have in my life.

All of this is unfolding as it should.

Unjamming the signal

Why do I have to learn over and over and over that if I don’t take care of myself, day-to-day life will quickly overwhelm me? This is one of the things that frustrates me about myself and one of the reasons I feel like I’m still spiritually immature. As soon as I get tired or stressed, I stop doing the things that keep me on an even keel. Meditation becomes a rushed, half-hearted activity, distractions become very, very attractive and I just want to sleep.

The thing that this new job has shown me is that I leave myself way too open to other people’s energy and need to find ways to better protect myself. I am not without resources in this area, I have learned and been taught many ways to anchor myself and how to surround myself in protective energy. When I have a lot of information coming at me I sometimes forget to use the tools I have at my disposal.

As I learn and grow spiritually it takes me less and less time to remember that I am not a slave to my thoughts and feelings, but sometimes it seems like I have to suffer a bit before I remember that I have control over that. I think the reason it takes a while for the message to get my attention is that now, being around a lot of people again, I am picking up so much more information than I ever have before and the energy that is coming at me is overwhelming. One of the biggest things that has come out of my awakening is hypersensitivity. My intuitive power has increased exponentially during the time I have spent in meditation and contemplation the past couple of years.

There is more than one facet to raising one’s intuition. It’s a great gift to be able to know things unspoken, but empathic people need to figure out when it’s time to pull back or let go.

In this past 10 days of working I have been picking up on people’s insecurities, burdens and energy needs. I’ve always been able to sense what people want and/or expect from me, which is helpful. When you grow up the way I did, that ability can make the difference between life and death. I say that without exaggeration.

As this ability has increased in me, I am able to tell exactly what burdens people are carrying in their hearts. That is not a bad thing. I have a compassionate heart and I can think of no better way to use the energy that is flowing through me than to offer a little understanding to a weary traveler. Like a sip of cool water on a hot day.

I am very thankful that I have this gift, but if I want to keep using it, I need to stay connected to the Source. All I need to do is remember I have support. I may not have family beyond my children or friends who are close right now, but there are people who care and there are angels who love to protect and help me. I need to remember I am not alone.

Today is a day of releasing. Letting go of the energy I picked up during the week. Time to take a moment, think of the people I interacted with during the week, bless their journey and let them go. There may be people who become friends out of this experience, but it’s just as likely I will move on and never know them again. Either way my goal is to leave them better off if I can. God willing.

To do that I need to make sure I have something to offer. I want to present my best self–that’s the one with the power to change the world.

Battery is about 50% recharged. Thank God for Saturday. A day of rest is a holy thing indeed.

Be Impeccable with Your Word

Cover via Amazon

Isn’t it amazing how some books can rock a person’s world, but to look at them one might underestimate the power contained within the pages?  There are several books of 150 pages or less that have profoundly impacted my life. The ability to accomplish that so succinctly is a gift of Divine providence in my opinion.

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is one of those books.  Its 138 pages contain the power to alter lives and change the world. Not because there is anything in the book everyone doesn’t already know on some level. The wisdom is simple and practical. That does seem to be the case with profound wisdom and universal truth. They are broad and uncomplicated.

One of the things I can say about the spiritual awakening process is that it feels more like remembering than learning.  I hope that doesn’t sound trite because it’s been a profound part of my experience. Things feel true, not new.

Having survived the first few days of my new job, I have been re-reading The Four Agreements and sort of meditating upon its meaning and application in my life. The past few days I have been working with the First Agreement, which is Be Impeccable with Your Word. Going from near solitude to being around groups of people again underscores this principle and reinforces my commitment to use words carefully.

I don’t know if it works this way for everyone, but the more awake and aware I become, the more quickly I am able to recognize cause and effect. This ability is a huge gift and reward for meditation, contemplation, and introspection. As I tune in more and more to my intuitive side, it becomes easier to see what’s really going on with people and how we impact each other with our words.

Yesterday someone asked me to do something I didn’t want to do. I very weakly used my word in a lame attempt to say no and was angry when I ended up agreeing to something. If something makes me that upset, it needs to be looked at. The conclusion I came to is that I either need to say no, clearly and unequivocally or accept my choice to say yes. If I make a choice, that is my action; there is nobody else to be upset with. It’s ridiculous to make a decision and then be mad at someone else about it. Once I had this realization, I was immediately at peace.

This is one of the ways I have learned to discern the truth. The truth always brings peace and liberation. Ego brings fear and anxiety.

In the book The Four Agreements, Ruiz likens the power of the word to the ability to cast spells of white or black magic.

Thoughts and words are vibrations. Vibrations are energy. There is a constant exchange of energy between all creatures and matter. Our thoughts and words impact everyone and everything around us.

Thought is a creative power. Reducing thought to words is a concentration of that power. Thoughts and words lead to action. Unconscious belief systems have a lot of influence over what actions we take. How we believe things are and how we interpret past events is how we create the future.

I love the process of gaining insight. Sometimes its as gentle as a butterfly. When you consider something and think wow, that makes a lot of sense, that feels true. At other times something seemingly insignificant will cause insight to hit right between the eyes, like a 2×4 to the forehead.

Yesterday was one of those 2×4 kinds of days for me. There was an amazing sense of clarity and awareness after I had the realization about my responsibility to be impeccable with my word. I can’t expect anyone else to be other than who and what they are, but I can control my mind and actions. Whether or not my peace is disturbed is wholly and completely within my power.

One of my new coworkers asked the ages of my kids which led to discussion about marriage and divorce. For the first time I really heard myself explain the end of my marriage. It was horrifying. I made it sound like my marriage was a nightmare that I had escaped from. Certainly I was unhappy, but it wasn’t that dramatic. Being married started to suck pretty badly and I wanted to be single, so I left. That’s what really happened.

When I heard myself dramatize the end of my marriage, I made a mental note to examine why I felt the need to describe it as I had. Later when I had time to think, I wondered how much I am impacting my future by putting that kind of spin, not only on the end of my marriage, but a lot of the things that have happened in my past.

The reason I would paint that particular picture of why I got divorced is because that version makes me look like the hero. If I can let go of needing to be seen that way, I can change the way I interpret that and so many other events. Changing the way I look at a thing changes the thing. Changing anything changes everything. The whole picture is impacted by changing even one detail.

A big part of my spiritual path is to recognize and eradicate thoughts and words that are holding me back. I don’t have to think positively about everything, but I don’t have to think negatively. If I refuse to judge events, I neutralize their power to dictate my behavior.

It might just be me, but the ramifications of this seem huge. If I can take this inventory of my life and look at things as facts, not truth, I will be a huge step closer to freedom, to enlightenment.

What I find most amazing is that a person can correct their thinking about every single event that has shaped their life. In so doing, I believe it’s possible to profoundly affect one’s future. Awareness in the present moment can correct the past, erase mistakes, reorder things. And it is done through the word, the stories we tell ourselves and each other. Rewriting the past in the present rewrites the future. This feels true to me.

It’s a compelling argument for impeccability.

Thanking the universe for getting my attention yesterday.

Endings

Yesterday was a day of endings for me.  Not in huge, life altering ways, just in the small ways that happen to most of us most of the time.  I finished dog/house sitting, watched the finale of the Oprah show, and watched the finale of American Idol.  The great thing is, I learned something from all of them.

The dog sitting showed me how wonderful it is to be home and how it’s not the amount of stuff that makes a home comfortable, it’s the energy that we bring to our homes that make them welcoming and inviting places to be.

The people I house sit for have a lot of stuff.  Their drive to accumulate stuff feels like fear to me.  Fear of not having enough things I guess.  And guess is all I can do.

This all came to the forefront when I arrived last week at their house to find a note, much like the notes they always leave with contact information and instructions.  This time however, the note contained an admonishment about using coasters, highlighted in yellow.  Further, there was a sticky note folded into a small tent shape on the actual table where the coaster incident had taken place that said COASTERS!, just like that, all caps with an exclamation point.

My mind went through a gamut of thoughts and feelings about this.  Including: incredulity, offense, defense, anger and judgment.  I suppose it could be argued that I am still judging by making note of these things.  However, I do have a point and plan to get to it any time now.  But this next bit is not it.

In the four years I have been taking care of their dog and house, I have never left a mess of any kind.  When they return from a trip their house is as clean or cleaner than when they left.  I’ve never broken anything and despite their invitation to help myself to anything in the fridge, I always replace anything I eat or drink.  I guess I’m saying that I am a pretty good house sitter.  I house sat for one of my law professors for a couple of years and also for the former career counselor from my law school.  These are all people who live in nice houses with nice things in them and I have always taken very good care of their stuff.

Okay, now on to my point.  Obviously I was bothered by the way the coaster incident was handled and how it felt like I was given no benefit of the doubt as to my apparent carelessness.  That’s okay.  I can be more careful in the future.  The point of this part of my post is that it is glorious to be home.  I live in a condo.  It’s old, it creaks, and I don’t have very much stuff.  And the stuff I have is not worth very much money.  But my home is every bit as comfortable, if not more so, than their house filled with things so important that they are worth getting angry at someone whose conscientious nature should be apparent after four years of not making mistakes.  My home is comfortable and welcoming, not because of the things in it, but because of the love that is in it and the people who inhabit it.

While I was house sitting, I couldn’t take a bath.  Their water heater is not capable of producing enough hot water to fill their relatively shallow tub.  This morning I soaked in a hot bubble bath in my lovely not-so-shallow tub with a seemingly endless supply of hot water.  It was glorious and I was so grateful for it.

I may not have very much in the way of material possessions, but I have everything I need and most importantly, I have enough.

“To know you have enough is to be rich.” ~Tao Te Ching

When I got home I decided to watch the final Oprah show because Oprah has been a light on my path for such a long time and I wanted to see that chapter of my life–the chapter that had the Oprah show for inspiration–close gently and with gratitude.

In her typical no-nonsense fashion, Oprah taught me a couple of things in her farewell.  One is actually something I am well aware of: All people, without exception, want to be validated.  They want to know that they are seen and heard and above all, that they matter.  I once heard a preacher say that we all have a desire to be known.  I think Oprah goes further and recognizes that we all want to be known and we all want to be loved, just as we are.  The world we live in is a harsh one at times, but every once in a while we meet someone who sees us truly and finds beautiful what they see.  This is the most healing thing on earth in my opinion.  It is wonderful to know that God loves us just as we are, but the truth in my opinion is that God is manifest in each and every one of us, so to know the unconditional love of God, we have to give it to each other…and ourselves.

This brings me to the final lesson I got from the Oprah show: There is a difference between believing that you deserve happiness and believing that you are worthy of it.  This one hit me like a ton of bricks.  I have been wondering, a lot recently, why I so often find myself almost successful.  I know I deserve success.  Heaven knows I have worked hard enough.  But somehow things that seem beyond my control keep popping up just in time to make most of my life struggle with very little reward. A good deal of my struggle is trying to convince myself that I am enough–good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, educated enough, kind enough, compassionate enough–in short, worthy.  And I never have truly gotten to that place where I have been able to ease up on myself and know that, as Oprah said yesterday, I am worthy because I was born.

All I can do with this revelation is be willing to accept myself and to know that I am enough, just as I am.  There is no magic formula that I can apply to work toward this knowledge, I just have to keep telling myself it is so and do it with a willing and open heart.

I am…and that is sufficient.

The final lesson I learned last night was from American Idol of all things.  This is the first season I have watched and last night the contestant that I did not want to win, won.  I checked Twitter at the end of the east coast broadcast and knew the winner before watching it here on the west coast.  All I could think was ugh, I don’t want him to win, I want Lauren to win.  American Idol did something really right last night in my opinion.  They made the entire finale a celebration of all the contestants, not just the winner.  The part that was about who won was a mere couple of minutes of the entire two-hour show.  The lesson was: They all won and they all deserved to win.  Anyone who is working toward their passion, following their bliss, is a winner.  The specific example I love most is James Durbin, the 22-year-old who a year ago was a struggling young dad who could barely afford diapers for his baby.  Last night he was on stage with Judas Priest.  It was a privilege to watch this kid’s dream come true.

Yesterday was the culmination of a rough week for me.  Expensive car repairs with more to come, wounded pride over a freaking coaster of all things, and the ever present question I carry in my heart: How can I, one person with so little, make a positive impact in this world?   The answer to that last one, I hope, is the words you are reading now.

I feel good; I am here, now; and I am willing.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Amen

~St. Francis of Assisi