The keys

Today is Mother’s day. One of the most bittersweet days of the year for me. I’ve been estranged from my parents for several years. Most days it still seems like the right thing. When relationships are not healthy despite the best efforts of the parties involved, it’s better to sever them. That might sound harsh to some, but the ones who understand it, most likely understand because they have been through trauma in their relationships with their parents.

Not everyone has an easy childhood. And when you haven’t had a good relationship with your parents, it’s really hard to relate to things like the deluge of Facebook posts that happens on days like Mother’s day.

I’m not saying it’s bad for people to honor their mothers. It is absolutely the right thing to do. It’s just important to recognize that not everybody honors their mother in the same way. Some of us honor our mothers by choosing not to continue a relationship that causes pain on both sides. And that’s okay. It’s certainly preferable to giving or receiving guilt, blame, anger, and resentment.

I posted something on Facebook today acknowledging that this day is not easy for everyone. Several friends have lost their moms, a few are estranged from their mothers, and a couple have children who were lovingly given up for adoption. This day brings a vast array of emotions for many of us. It felt important to acknowledge those whose hearts have a bit of heaviness today.

Someone posted a comment to my post on Facebook, thanking me for the things I post in general as well as that specific post. It was nice to read those words. I’m mindful of what I share with people and daily work on keeping my personal energy clear and bright. To know that my words make people feel better means a lot to me. The compliment got me to thinking about something that’s been on my mind quite a bit lately.

How many times have we all heard (or read) that in order to love others we must first learn to love ourselves? This is one of the great mysteries of the universe in my opinion. It took me a really long time to learn what those words mean…a lifetime, really. But a few days ago, I had a moment of insight in which I realized I think I may have reached a place where I am mostly my own best friend. Coming from the other end of the spectrum, of being my own worst enemy, this feels very good, by comparison.

This realization came in a roundabout way. It was through others’ recognition and seeing that I am actually helping people. People I know over Facebook and people I’ve never met over Twitter and through this blog. And the most amazing and beautiful part of it is that I set out  on this part of my journey as a way to help and heal myself because there was nobody else in my life at the time. I was always open to the idea that if even one other person felt a little less alone in the world because they read my words, that would be a blessing multiplied, but my primary concern most days was soothing my own troubled soul and getting through the day each day.

I’ve been on this path for a while now and for a lot of the past several years I’ve carried a burden on my heart of having people in my life I haven’t been able to forgive. Again, myself first, but there are others. Recently I decided to stop worrying about the people I feel this way about and work on forgiving myself, strengthening my relationship with God as I understand it, and choosing to live a happy life, come what may. Miracles are starting to  happen as a result.

My feelings toward someone who has caused a lot of harm in my life have begun to soften. And a few nights ago, I found myself praying sincerely for my parents. In a way that a heart with even a shred of unforgiveness would be unable. In that very moment I knew a miracle had happened. I knew that miracles do happen in our lives and the only thing that keeps miracles away is unwillingness.

We humans like to place a lot of limits and conditions on things. When we let go of the need to do that so much, the world opens up like a flower.

The Buddhist metta meditations always starts with oneself. We radiate kindness that we first give to ourselves. It’s lovely.

Figuring out how to be your own best friend, and how to let others be exactly who they are without needing anyone to do, say, or be anything other than what their heart tells them to be, that is true freedom. When you are free, truly free in your heart and soul, you have the keys to the kingdom.

And in my humble opinion, when you find yourself in possession of the keys to the kingdom, the right thing to do is make copies and pass them out to everyone you meet.

Amen.

Clarity

It’s been such a long time since I’ve had an opportunity to post. A difficult absence, I assure you. My computer has been having problems for a few weeks, but I’ve found a workable solution for the moment.

Sometimes I feel like the queen of putting out fires. For the past couple years my life has been mainly about survival. But I have responded to the best of my ability and from an open heart. Like much of my life, I can’t say it’s all been pretty, but it’s all been very real and very genuine. We must play the hand we are dealt. What more can you do, really?

I have reached a point where I am wondering what I would like my life to look like going forward. And I find myself without a clear picture in my mind’s eye. That’s okay, but I realize now that certain pressures have lessened, it’s really quite okay for me to start thinking about what would make me most happy as I live the rest of my life.

I’m not sure I have ever really thought about this much. I’ve always just sort of found myself in different circumstances, never really sure how I got there. And feeling little opportunity to do anything other than react to things going on around me.

This is where spiritual maturity comes in handy. Because I have developed a great deal of internal strength, I am better equipped to handle whatever comes up. It’s very clear to me now that is what the past couple of years have been about. It was about developing a clear sense of myself, apart from anyone and anything, and the accompanying strength derived from the experience. I never had a period in my life where I didn’t have a single close relationship with anyone who wasn’t my kid. Until about 3 years ago.

Several areas of my life took on a sudden barrenness. It was a very frightening time. And I’m not entirely back to safety yet, but I am making considerable progress.

It’s good for me to develop a clear idea of what I want. Every tangible thing that appears in our lives begins as a thought. It’s true what they say about being able to accomplish anything we can truly imagine. All of us have experienced it at some point. For me it was deciding to get a law degree at age 34, when I was raising kids and hadn’t been to college. I didn’t know what the requirements were, but I decided I was going to do it and I would figure it out as I went along. It was a huge leap of faith. And it worked out just fine.

Now that I have a job and things are definitely moving the right direction, I have the luxury of thinking about what kinds of relationships to have. When you’re in survival mode, dating falls way down on the list of priorities. Not that I haven’t, I’ve actually been on lots of dates, met a few people, and even made some friends. I just haven’t really been all that interested in anyone. Part of that was not being in a position to put a lot of work into a relationship.

What I really need is a relationship that is light and lovely and free of undue pressure. I’m ready for that. Heavy and serious just doesn’t sound appealing. Not sure it ever will again.

It’s Spring and the weather is beautiful. This is the perfect time for a romance. Think of the Shakespeare comedies. Spring time and everyone is in love. I want to experience that again.

I’m a little closer to being able to envision exactly what I want for myself.

My energy is returning.

I’m back.

Expectations

“When one’s expectations are reduced to zero, one really appreciates everything one does have.” ~Stephen Hawking

Expectation is not our friend. It is impossible to love unconditionally and have any expectations of other people’s behavior. That’s why I believe that one of the keys to happiness is looking closely at one’s beliefs about things and rooting out qualifiers and expectations. It’s the ability to let go. Few things bring greater peace and joy to life than the ability to let go of expectations, of people, and of things. Non-attachment is one of the great keys to enlightenment.

Disappointment is the best way to identify attachments and expectations. We can all recognize that feeling because we have all felt it at some point. If you really embrace and examine feelings of disappointment, no matter how painful, you will mine spiritual gold from the insights. Because once you identify an attachment, only then does it become possible to release it.

One of the hardest areas for me to let go at times is romantic feelings. Actually, I’ve let go pretty easily in all but two situations my whole life, and those two relationships, back to back, rocked my world. So they definitely have value in showing me what makes me want to be attached to another person. It makes me look at both myself and the other person. And I think that’s good.

Sometimes the universe asks us to let go of the same person over and over. In the deepest part of my soul I believe when that happens, it is the continuation of something that has been going on for lifetimes beyond this one. When a person drifts in and out of your life repeatedly over the years and yet, there is nothing but love, no matter how much time passes, that is a person you know beyond the five senses. It’s pretty hard to deny.

In situations like these I like to rely on what some might consider magical or fanciful thinking, but it brings me comfort, so I’m not gonna knock it. It is truly the hope that lies in the pattern of separation and reconciliation that keeps me going. The hope that because we have done this so many times, we will continue doing it until we get it right.

All who meet will one day meet again until their relationship becomes holy. ~A Course in Miracles

The challenge of loving a person unconditionally is a big one. Try to accept a person, any person, exactly as they are without needing them to change a single thing. While you will find it’s harder with some than with others, in the easiest case it still takes a ton of self-discipline. Yet, every victory of the heart to love unconditionally is the most beautiful gift to the universe. And because I believe that God or the universe or whatever anyone wants to call it has blessed all of us so completely and amazingly, I believe it deserves the very best we have to offer as humans. And our very best comes from our hearts and minds, not from anything external.

This line of thinking brings me back to the concept of impermanence and what a lovely gift that is. It tells us that nothing goes on forever, so in the moments that hurt, we can have hope; in the joyous moments we can have deep gratitude. It’s all in how we choose to look at things.

Sometimes we learn to live a life free of expectations after great losses. That’s where I am coming from. When things go spectacularly wrong in life, if you are aware and able to stand back and observe your own life, you can see the hand of God at work.

The hard times have been hard the past couple of years, I can’t deny that, but what I have gained in patience and equanimity cannot be acquired by other means. I have no regrets…and very few expectations.

Letting go is the best feeling on earth.

Be at peace.

 

Untethered

As much as I looked forward to putting 2011 behind me, I have to say that 2012 hasn’t been easy thus far. That is not to say that it has been bad. It’s just had some difficult moments already.

On New Year’s day I lost a dear friend. The younger brother of my ex-boyfriend, the opera singer I have written about a few times in this blog. He and I maintained a close friendship after the breakup, which was a little challenging, I will admit, because his brother refused to end the relationship properly in my opinion. One of the reasons I was so persistent in trying to put that relationship to rest with compassion and love is because life does present situations like the death of family members and I was hoping not to reunite with my ex under those kinds of circumstances and I knew that because I love his family and they love me, that the possibility did exist.

So one of my worst case scenarios came true. And it turned out okay. Better than okay really. The moment I saw my ex-boyfriend at the memorial service, I felt the burden of the past couple years lift from my heart. There was forgiveness and that’s all I ever wanted. It was a really beautiful moment that I will treasure for the rest of my life.

The thing that has come back to my mind over and over since the service, which was just over a week ago, is how easily he moved on from our relationship and how I have never been the same since.

It wasn’t actually the relationship that changed me, but the aftermath. It was like he set off a nuclear bomb in my soul and the result was a chain reaction that has affected all of my relationships going forward. Affected meaning that I haven’t really been able to have one with a man since then. Not that it’s a bad thing for a person who had spent nearly every day of their adult life in a marriage or relationship, as I had, to have the opportunity to understand solitude and the beauty of silence.

When I think back to my relationship with the opera singer I see what a high price I paid to have someone in my life. Certainly I loved him, but he drained my heart, mind, soul, and bank account. Just as my marriage had. I left my marriage and I’m glad I did, but with the opera singer, I would have stuck it out much longer if he hadn’t gotten bored. He took everything he could get and then he left.

Anyway, the point of this post is that I have found it very difficult to connect with anyone on an intimate level. I have dated a lot. I even fell in love. But over and over I have consistently picked people I can’t go there with for one reason or another.

In the past week I have very positively interacted with four different men whom I care very much about, including my ex-boyfriend. These connections are very important to me. I have had at least a fleeting romantic interest in each of these people. And one of them I am so crazy about I would surely burst from happiness if we could make a romantic relationship work. The point is, I have these amazing connections and yet, I am lonely and can’t seem to find a relationship based on the deep connections I am able to make. And that bothers me.

The world seems to be saying that it is preferable to have relationships that do not exist in the physical realm. That Facebook is the equivalent of true friendship. I am here to say, for lack of a better term, bullshit.

Several years ago when my sister died, a friend I met at my job and became very close to, came to my sister’s funeral. She sat with me in the private family section. She didn’t even hesitate about going there with me. Her entire purpose in going was to make sure I felt less alone. She held my hand through the service. It was my darkest hour and my friend loved me enough to be physically present to support me. You can’t get that on Facebook.

I’m not looking for someone to change my Facebook relationship status for. I’m looking for someone to be present with. Someone to hold hands with when life feels overwhelming.

It feels like I am at a crossroads. Either get off internet based relationships altogether and go find real, flesh and blood human beings to connect with or get used to the idea that all the support I can look forward to the rest of my life is going to look like this:

The great thing about being at a crossroads is that it forces you to make a choice. Thank goodness for choices.

Reliving the past

Yesterday was hectic. By the time the day was over all I wanted was to take a bath. Spending even a few minutes soaking in hot water relaxes me. Hot showers are similarly restorative. I think baths should smell really good, but natural, like herbs and plants. My favorite bubble bath is peppermint and eucalyptus. Those smells have the power to erase stress from my mind.

It is very easy [for me] to enter a meditative state while submerged in hot water. So that’s how I use part of my bath time. Every time I get out of the tub I feel like a new person, which I find kind of poetic because of the obvious biblical metaphor of baptism. Water carries some of the heaviest symbolism of all the elements. It mesmerizes me, and I am in awe of it.

Valuable insights come during bubble baths. New ways of looking at old things.

Awareness enhances every experience we have. I find getting to know people with awareness to be very eye-opening. When we are present and aware, we can observe ourselves and hear what we are telling others and how we are telling it. It is revelatory if one chooses to look deeply.

Recently I met a new friend whom I like and respect and I have also been strengthening my connections to some of my older friends. It’s gotten me thinking about the past. We get to know new people by sharing our old stories and I suppose we can change our relationships with old friends by being willing to tell a new story. I recently realized that as I relive my stories by telling them to my new friend, I am able to drop judgments and look at them much more objectively than when they were happening. But I can only do this if I am aware enough to make that choice.

Part of the choice I get to make is what to share with the people. Do I want to share my garbage or my treasures? I want to share the good, not the darkness. The darkness is my responsibility. It can be turned into light and there is no need to burden anyone else with it most of the time. With awareness comes the power to choose and choosing to share our gifts rather than our garbage is one of the best ways to exercise the power of choice, in my opinion.

Even though yesterday was hectic, I faced a situation that was angst filled for me and I did not let it get the better of me. The day turned out just fine and I had a really nice evening which included a tub full of insights.

Things feel good right now. I intend to enjoy this period of peace and calm.

As I was writing this post, the following quote showed up on Facebook, courtesy of Marianne Williamson:

“Give me your past so I can change your mind about it for you.” — A Course in Miracles

 

All I can say is Amen.

 

Who are you?

The online dating site that I have been using for a while causes me to wonder about human nature. Recently I was asked to be a moderator of the site, weighing in on questionable content. Oddly, the questionable profiles make more sense to me than some of the regular ones. I at least understand they are trying to sell something or scam someone.

So the thing that has me wondering about the people on the dating site, and all dating/social networking sites really, is how eager people are to define themselves. A lot of people on the dating site start their self-summary by saying This is hard, I don’t like writing about myself. To which I want to reply: Go with that thought. Why is it hard? Why do you hate writing about yourself? But I never do.

The thing is, most of the time on the dating site people say they hate to summarize themselves and then proceed to label and define themselves into a teeny, tiny box. In the process they manage to exclude all but a few people who can meet their impossibly narrow relationship criteria. And then they wonder why they can’t find the right woman. Duh. Maybe she doesn’t exist. What if the woman of their dreams is every single thing they are looking for, but happens to label and define herself in ways that don’t match the laundry list of requirements and deal breakers on their profile? Hmm… Futhermore, what if, out of lack of awareness, someone thinks they only like tall blondes who ride bikes, but the woman who could rock their world is a short brunette who drives a car? You can catch more fish with a net than with a pole. Just sayin’…

When I filled out my profile I also expressed a reluctance to define myself, but I explained that I do not like to label or define myself or others. I am not interested in limiting myself that way. And though I’m certainly not perfect at it, I try not to judge others and put them in boxes. Everyone is okay with me. I might not want to date everyone I meet, but that doesn’t mean I have no interest in them at all.

I guess I just get frustrated by all the limiting language I see on the dating profiles. If a person defines themselves as one thing, think of all the possibilities that are extinguished in the process of deciding exactly who and what they are. Plus, the more labels, definitions and limitations I see, the more I wonder how much that person really knows themselves to begin with. Life sometimes presents us with situations and circumstances that make it abundantly clear that everything we think we know for sure–about ourselves, others and the world around us–is false. Generally, I’m not impressed by what people think they know because thinking they know is as definite as it can ever truly be.

Through all of this frustration, I have read some really great profiles and seen that there are still some good-looking single men in Portland. That’s encouraging. Now if they could just get over themselves and drop a few rules, I might get to meet some of them.

Letting go of the wheel

How many times does one person have to learn the same lessons? Maybe letting go is one of those things you have to do all of your life. Personally, I’m getting tired of the struggle-realize I’m struggling-let go cycle I seem to repeat so often. Only there’s a step I left out. After I realize I am struggling, I usually have to struggle a bit more to let go. It’s not like I recognize that I am wanting something too much or wishing things were different than they are and then magically I feel better. No, instead I have to go through this whole process where I think Gah! I wish I could just let go! Why does everything have to be so hard? That’s what makes the whole thing suck so much.

For some reason today was one of those days where I felt it necessary to lament being single…again. Only that wasn’t enough all by itself, I decided that since I was already busy wishing things were different than they are, I might as well go ahead and feel badly about my entire life. That makes a ton of sense, doesn’t it? It’s like I’m walking along my path and notice Oh, a pit of despair. I think I’ll jump in.

On my drive home tonight I was sort of demanding of God to know what exactly is being asked of me. Am I being asked to not want anything ever? Or is it the way I am wanting it? Am I doing it wrong? Please, somebody tell me how to do it right and I will.

At times it feels like I may spend the rest of my life paying for mistakes I made out of ignorance and lack of awareness. The reason that’s hard is I am aware now and I really feel the pain of my life because I am not trying to suppress it anymore. I sort of wonder if the sadness will ever end.

I know things are going better than they were, I have a job and that is very helpful. Things could definitely be worse.

This seems to be coming, once again, from that place inside me where I feel different and in a sense separate from my fellow human beings. I’m not fundamentally different, but there are still a lot of unaware, unawakened people in the world and because I have found so few like-minded people, I feel like a fish out of water much of the time.

We humans are mirrors for each other and I feel like I am wandering the earth looking into the eyes of everyone I meet, hoping to see a spark of recognition and not finding it.

That is the key to love, the feeling of being seen, recognized as something precious and wonderful. It’s an amazing gift to give and to receive.

This is the thing I love about being in love. I truly believe that when we are in love is the only time we really see clearly. It doesn’t even have to be romantic love in this instance. It can be a general sense of delight in people. I actually experience this fairly frequently and I think it’s what keeps me going during this period of isolation I am experiencing.

Today during lunch I talked to a coworker. He seems like the type of person most people sort of discount and don’t pay a lot of attention to. And he knows it. And I’m pretty sure he longs to be seen by someone. The way I could tell this is I paid undivided attention to him–because I know how to do that–and this person lit up before my eyes. He was so pleased and happy to be listened to. And it was no trouble to me at all.

As long as I’m thinking about my whole life I might as well remember that all my life I have been that person for so many people. The one with enough patience to work with the mentally challenged or even the people who seem to wear others out quickly. I am able to stay engaged and really give the person a part of myself, the part that cares and understands. And I think the reason I am able to do that is because all my life, that is what I have been seeking. Someone who looks at me and sees nothing wrong and finds it very easy to listen to me.

Once again I am faced with the need to let go of wanting. I need to accept my life the way it is. Because it would be a shame to spend the rest of my life unhappy about something that isn’t going to change. Letting go of everything but hope is quite a challenge. But it’s the only way to have peace.

If you change your thinking and decide to live an authentic life, it’s likely you’ll find yourself alone in the darkest part of the forest for a while before you find new companions on the journey. It’s okay, it’s part of the challenge. When decisions are made with awareness, they come with the knowledge of how sweet it will be when you find someone who truly appreciates you.

I think I’m done crying for the night. I feel better.

I’m just going to let God take over, I need a rest.

Another online dating rant

I’ll try to keep this short. Can’t promise sweet, but I’ll do my best.

I have been using an online dating site again. It’s a free one and I reactivated my profile after taking a few months off.

There are very few on the site that I find attractive. I’ve read some great profiles and definitely found some people I could be friends with, but nobody has caught my eye in a romantic sense. Maybe I’m thinking it will be like the opera singer, I’ll look at a picture and see my future unfold in the person’s eyes. I’m pretty sure what happened there was a once in a lifetime kinda thing though. Nothing even close has happened to me before or since. At least not from a photo.

Browsing through the ads today I felt an annoyance that has been nagging at me for a few days. There are some really self-defeating profiles out there. I’m amazed at what I read sometimes. It makes me wonder if these people are even aware of themselves at all.

Now I’m just being snarky, but I have a little list of the things that turn me off most when I read them in an online personals profile (and my responses to them):

• “I have a child and they are: my everything, my entire world, my number one priority…” or any of the other descriptions that attempt to convince the reader this person is a GOOD dad. It’s ridiculous. We all feel that way about our kids. It goes without saying. And saying it just makes you sound like a dork. If someone wrote that their kids are amazing and fabulous and the coolest people they ever met, that I could respect. The other is trite. 
• Young at heart. Just say it, you’re old or you feel old or you feel like other people think you’re old. You don’t see young people claiming to be old-at-heart. Just sayin’…
• Friends, maybe more later or Possible marriage and children… Eeeww. Why do you think you need to dangle that carrot? And what kind of woman is desperate enough to think that’s charming? From my experience, the guys who say this are pretty poor marriage material, but think because they are male they are sought after. Yuck.
• Lists of obscure or esoteric books, authors or musicians. Does anything scream Please think I’m cool worse than this? It’s icky. Everybody likes good literature and music, it’s just that everyone has a different definition of good. Leave it alone. Again, this makes you sound like a dork.
• Bragging about having a sarcastic sense of humor. Why is this something to be proud of? Sarcasm is the most useless, mean spirited form of humor that is sorely lacking in creativity and depth. Make people laugh without resorting to character assassination and I’ll think you’re pretty awesome.
• Being non-responsive when someone communicates with you. Seriously, get over yourself. Why are you even on this site to begin with? Take it as a compliment for crying out loud.
• Saying you’re open to friends when you really aren’t. This also applies to the previous point. Some of these guys are suffering from Hotness Delusion Syndrome–check it out, it’s a real issue.
• Hipsters–most people know my opinion about this.
• Burners–There are no words…

This is really only an issue today because I’m in a grumpy mood. I’m being hard on myself for something I did and it’s ridiculous and I need to stop. When I’m mad at myself, the whole world suffers.

I’m just ready to meet someone nice and be excited to spend time with him. Even some new friends would be great, but I really want to just find someone beautiful and perfect and fall crazy in love.

I know he’s out there. And he’s looking for me too. And he’s wondering why people write such stupid things in their profiles and he’s wondering if there is anyone else on earth who gets it.

Magnet

I have seen the law of attraction work in my life.  By law of attraction I mean those inexplicable things that happen that one can directly connect to one’s thoughts.  Seeing these correlations between my thoughts and manifest reality, combined with a fairly intense spiritual awakening a couple of years ago, keeps me examining and monitoring my thoughts.

Part of what has me thinking about this today is the internet dating.  I’m still not going on dates, but what I am seeing is that is the people who show an interest in me are largely the polyamorous sort.  This is partly a geographical phenomenon having to do with living in Portland, but nonetheless, it makes me wonder what about me attracts people who embrace this philosophy.

Polyamory is not a lifestyle choice that works for me.  My experience with this philosophy is one in which the ideal doesn’t work very well in practice.  I’m sure there are people who can make it work, but I truly do not believe it is the majority, which makes the situation in Portland a little difficult because polyamory is so commonplace here that to the rest of the world it probably looks like the norm.

Polyamorous people claim to practice radical honesty and self-responsibility.  However, because those things are difficult for people under ideal conditions, I tend to think that there are fewer people actually practicing them than there are people going around saying they do.  Just my opinion.

My experience with polyamory was with the opera singer.  He wanted an open relationship and I agreed because we lived in different cities and I was in my last semester of law school and didn’t have time to devote to a serious commitment.  However, things changed pretty quickly and we found ourselves exclusive after a short time.  Looking back, I was heading straight for a broken heart, but I didn’t stop myself.  By the time we’d been together about 6 months I was hopelessly in love with him.

I guess what I’m saying is that polyamory can be playing with fire because polyamorous people don’t necessarily seek out others who are like-minded.  In their desire to have as many sexual partners and relationships as possible, some of them fail to realize that people unfamiliar with the philosophy may agree to something they think they can do, but ultimately can’t.  And sometimes, that realization comes too late and people are hurt.

If someone wants to live that lifestyle, it is not for me to judge.  I am not going to condemn anyone just for having a philosophy that I don’t understand.  I think people should do whatever makes them happy as long no harm is done.

This dating thing has me thinking about what it is I’m really looking for.  And really, what it boils down to is the desire to have a safe haven, a place to lay the burdens of life down for a little while and catch a breather.  Every day I spend without a partner I learn more to be this for myself, but I am a social creature and I desire company.   I spend way too much time alone for my comfort.  And yet, I am not looking to change that by unnatural means.  Being with someone just to avoid being alone is not a viable solution for me. I can be friends with polyamorous people because I truly do not object to their lifestyle choice, but as open minded as I am, I do not wish to share my partner.

I think it is the rare person who can manage to carry on more than one romantic relationship successfully.   As a friend once told me when I was in despair over the opera singer, “He has no business trying to love several people when he can’t even love one woman properly.”  If a person can carry on multiple relationships and every single one of them is beneficial to the parties involved and nobody is left lacking or hurting, that’s one thing.  Carrying on multiple relationships in which people are neglected and heart broken is another thing entirely.

For those who truly can do it, more power to you.  For those who can’t, do us all a favor, stick with people who truly embrace the same relationship philosophy as you.  Just sayin’…

Blessings.

Cheryl

Moving on

Man, I’m having a bi-polar day, but I feel like writing after having a break for a couple of days.  My earlier post was about the glorious walk I took.  The stuff I’m thinking about now I’m going to blame on the walk too.  There’s something about clearing the head that allows thoughts to flow through that are behind the log jam of insignificant stuff stuck in my head at any given time.

I’m back to thinking about my love life.  Because of the internet dating site.  I haven’t given up on it yet.  I will admit I’m getting a little bored of it, but the luster wears off all internet stuff for me after a while, I get bored of Facebook and Twitter every once in a while, but I have made a commitment to those sites that I have not yet made to the dating site.

As I make myself available for the possibility of a romantic relationship, it kicks up all kinds of emotions about that opera singer I sometimes write about.  I think it’s time for me to give the thumbnail sketch of what happened there.

The relationship with the opera singer started as a casual non-committed dating situation that I don’t think either of us expected to last.  But it did.  Even though there were separations, breakups and reconciliations, we were together for most of 3.5 years, living together at times when it was convenient, but always keeping our own places, except for the first 6 months I lived in Portland when I lived with him at his house.  It was a deep, serious relationship.  We were committed even though it nearly took an act of God to make either one of us say I love you.  Which in retrospect seems a little weird, but anyway…

He and I could not stay away from each other.  I tried unsuccessfully to leave and so did he.  Prior to his relationship with me, he had not been monogamous by choice for more than a few months at a time with anyone.  Because of the way he described his views on polyamory, radical honesty and self-responsibility, I felt certain when we did part it would be by mutual agreement with everyone in the know and there would be no surprises.  I was wrong.  So very wrong.

After 3.5 years of being each other’s best friend and closest and most intimate ally, he kissed me goodbye as I headed off for work one morning and I never saw him again.  I returned home to find an e-mail, timed not to disrupt my work day.  I guess I can appreciate that at least, he didn’t always show that much consideration in timing his actions.  He said in the e-mail he was done and that now was the time because it wasn’t in reaction to anything, he was just done.

I have e-mailed and texted him a few times since then, but he has never responded.  Almost a year after he left I got a card in the mail from his dad, who missed me and wanted to see me.  A couple of months prior I had also seen his brother who told me I would always be a part of their family.  I think it’s fair to say a lot of people were hurt by what happened.

Turns out he wasn’t completely truthful about there being no reason behind his choice to end things abruptly the way he did.  He met someone else.  There were clues that he was capable of this, so maybe I shouldn’t have been shocked, but I was.  And devastated.  The person I loved most in the world and my best friend did not see me as a blessing in his life and had come to the conclusion that he could not live a happy life if I was any part of it, ever.  I’m not sure I can explain what that feels like, but I can say this, the only grief I have ever experienced that even comes close is when my sister died of cancer 11 years ago.  And this hurt more because when my sister passed I never felt rejected.

Not hearing a word from him in almost 2 years has been the hardest thing I have ever had to overcome in my life.  And it has taken most of the two years to feel over it.  I’d say at about 18 months I started to feel like I was going to make it, but still felt shaky on my feet.

Not to throw salt on old wounds, but this entire grief process was complicated by meeting the other person I have mentioned in these posts.  He drifted out of my life and suddenly I had two people I needed to get over.  Sheesh, how much is one person supposed to take?

To be fair to the one who came after the opera singer, he ultimately ended up raising the bar for every man I meet going forward, so in the long run, he did me a favor.

So, I’ve been doing the online dating site for a couple of weeks now and have made a couple of friendship connections that look promising and discovered a person whose profile practically describes me.  We like the same things, think about the same things, value many of the same things and have similar temperaments and senses of humor.  Seems like a good thing, right?  Not so fast.

I admit it’s a little scary to even consider someone that I have the potential to be totally comfortable around.  Because that is rare.  I don’t feel comfortable to be completely myself around anyone besides my kids and back when, the opera singer.  It’s weird how I am more frightened by seeing real best friend potential in someone than I am finding someone physically attractive.

Anyway, I feel that it’s important to acknowledge the truth about the opera singer and put that all to rest.  He didn’t love me.  It’s possible that he was using me, as one of his friends tried so desperately to convince me the whole time he and I were together.

I’m at a crossroads.  I don’t know how hard it’s going to be for me to trust again, but I want to have someone close in my life.  Not at any cost though.  So I move forward, with fear and courage…and a trump card.  Even if I don’t want to be alone, I can and I will before I will let someone turn my life into an operatic tragedy again.

Cheryl