Bad people

I had a bit of an emotional meltdown a couple of days ago and, as therapeutic and cathartic as it ultimately was, it was a violent shaking of my peace of mind. These moments are hard, but not to be missed on the path to enlightenment.

We all have people in our lives who challenge us. Sometimes in areas that are unpleasant and huge, like patience and our ability to forgive. These interactions can be very intense.

But I continue to believe, in my soul, that these are valuable people who come into our lives to push those buttons. What we learn about ourselves in our most uncomfortable moments is knowledge that is worth its weight in gold. But sometimes you have to dig through some ugly stuff before you get it.

There is a person in my world who does and says things that I wholly disapprove of. If I am honest I will say I don’t really like this person. And yet, the very core of my spiritual beliefs tells me that we are not separate, there is no us and them, no me and her. Which means my disapproval of her affects me. Just as our personalities reflect various facets of our soul, each one of us is a part of the same great Source. When there is absolutely nothing else you can rely on to help you appreciate a person, there’s always that.

What do I always come back to? Remembering that none of us wants anything different from the rest of us, we all just want to be happy and avoid suffering. Some people go about it in ways that are thoughtless or hurtful. Most of the time probably out of complete ignorance of others.

When I thought about this person who is like a thorn in my side, I became very upset. The universe appears to bless this person no matter what. No matter how horribly she treats others, she continues to succeed and prosper. And I had to wonder why that is when everything I have ever read about success stresses being kind. The thing I realized is that it’s not so much how this person behaves as it is what she believes that creates the things that show up in her life. She feels entitled and she does not hesitate to let the entire world know it. And the world responds. The part that she leaves in the fine print is that she’s ruthless. And that is the part I disapprove of.

Ultimately, there is more than enough of everything to go around. There is an entire universe full of creative power. And the key to receiving? Feeling worthy.

Recently I read a quote by Oprah about the difference between feeling deserving versus feeling worthy. There is a difference. Everyone is deserving and most of us can say we feel like we deserve good things, but not everyone feels worthy or worthwhile. It’s a hard thing when those insecurities surface, but it’s worth looking at because feelings of unworthiness can keep truly good people from ever realizing their dreams.

The truth is: We are worthwhile because we were born. We’re here. We showed up for this human experiment. And we should all be living lives of abundance and blessings. 

When you think about it, there really can’t be any truly bad people. There are people who misuse the energy that flows through them, but we’re all just doing our best to feel okay and sometimes we are unskillful. The person I was upset with–and if I’m truthful, envious of–has a lot of emptiness in her life…in areas where mine overflows. She may have some of the things I think I want, but I have been blessed beyond measure with gifts that cannot be bought, nor acquired through manipulation. She deserves compassion, not envy.

Seeing the ugly parts of myself in the moments when I experience things like envy and jealousy is heartbreaking. Even though my thoughts were focused on someone else, my heart was overwhelmed with disappointment in only me. And I am the only person whose behavior I have to be concerned with. I am willing to see the truth that comes from the darkness and become the person I am meant to be.

Lesson learned: I am not a bad person…and neither is anyone else.

Tao Te Ching, verse 8

Have you ever really contemplated water or meditated on its nature? Is it possible to be as wonderful as water? Welcome to my Tuesday evening, here’s what we’re thinking about tonight:

8

The supreme good is like water,
which nourishes all things without trying to.
It is content with the low places that people disdain.
Thus it is like the Tao.

In dwelling, live close to the ground.
In thinking, keep to the simple.
In conflict, be fair and generous.
In governing, don’t try to control.
In work, do what you enjoy.
In family life, be completely present.

When you are content to be simply yourself
and don’t compare or compete,
everybody will respect you.

Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu

Reliving the past

Yesterday was hectic. By the time the day was over all I wanted was to take a bath. Spending even a few minutes soaking in hot water relaxes me. Hot showers are similarly restorative. I think baths should smell really good, but natural, like herbs and plants. My favorite bubble bath is peppermint and eucalyptus. Those smells have the power to erase stress from my mind.

It is very easy [for me] to enter a meditative state while submerged in hot water. So that’s how I use part of my bath time. Every time I get out of the tub I feel like a new person, which I find kind of poetic because of the obvious biblical metaphor of baptism. Water carries some of the heaviest symbolism of all the elements. It mesmerizes me, and I am in awe of it.

Valuable insights come during bubble baths. New ways of looking at old things.

Awareness enhances every experience we have. I find getting to know people with awareness to be very eye-opening. When we are present and aware, we can observe ourselves and hear what we are telling others and how we are telling it. It is revelatory if one chooses to look deeply.

Recently I met a new friend whom I like and respect and I have also been strengthening my connections to some of my older friends. It’s gotten me thinking about the past. We get to know new people by sharing our old stories and I suppose we can change our relationships with old friends by being willing to tell a new story. I recently realized that as I relive my stories by telling them to my new friend, I am able to drop judgments and look at them much more objectively than when they were happening. But I can only do this if I am aware enough to make that choice.

Part of the choice I get to make is what to share with the people. Do I want to share my garbage or my treasures? I want to share the good, not the darkness. The darkness is my responsibility. It can be turned into light and there is no need to burden anyone else with it most of the time. With awareness comes the power to choose and choosing to share our gifts rather than our garbage is one of the best ways to exercise the power of choice, in my opinion.

Even though yesterday was hectic, I faced a situation that was angst filled for me and I did not let it get the better of me. The day turned out just fine and I had a really nice evening which included a tub full of insights.

Things feel good right now. I intend to enjoy this period of peace and calm.

As I was writing this post, the following quote showed up on Facebook, courtesy of Marianne Williamson:

“Give me your past so I can change your mind about it for you.” — A Course in Miracles

 

All I can say is Amen.

 

Lennon love

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.” ~John Lennon

Today is the 31st anniversary of the death of John Lennon. I remember the moment I heard the news. I don’t know how sad I was, but it was certainly shocking. It was many years after he was gone that I realized how connected I am to John Lennon. He is a kindred spirit. I seem to often find kindred spirits in musicians. And writers.

Part of what I like about the above quote is that he makes being in love sound like the most natural state in the world. And I believe that to be true. The thing I have figured out over the past few years is that the more we come to understand our authentic nature, the more it’s possible to be in love all the time regardless of what types of relationships are involved. The person who refrains from being in love for lack of a romantic partner is a foolish person in my opinion. There is an entire world full of people who need love and if we have it to give, we should, as freely and unconditionally as possible.

Earlier this evening I was thinking about some things and people in my life and I had an overwhelming feeling of love in my heart. Not just for the people who have pleased me and said what I wanted to hear. I felt sincere gratitude for the people I have been hurt by and whom I have hurt. We can’t make it through this life without being hurt and hurting others. That makes those people very valuable. Of all the people on earth that we could possibly meet, the ones who show up in our lives are the ones we are meant to know…for a reason. I believe that reason involves honoring each other for the thing we share in common.

Christmas is supposed to be the season of love. I really hope more people find the love inside themselves and let it pour out into the world.

God bless John Lennon

 

 

 

Why strive?

Lately I have been rethinking a few of my beliefs. Not the big ones like love and forgiveness, but the ones that guide how to direct my energy.

I used to be ambitious about my career and having certain material things. I haven’t completely stopped, but I no longer seek success in things like job titles and the kind of car I drive. This has been a positive change, but one that requires me to choose where to direct the energy that previous went into achieving.

What do I want to accomplish with the time I have left on this earth? And how best do I use the energy that flows through me? These questions have come to me recently courtesy of a new acquaintance.

I met an interesting guy through the internet dating site. I don’t know him very well, but of all of the ones I have met through this medium, he is the most like me spiritually. So far we are different enough to make things interesting. We are good at different things and we have different challenges in life. But we are on the same frequency and seem to have the same basic outlook on life.

One of the great things about getting to know a new person is the self-reflection it requires.

The way in which this person and I are most different is with regard to action. He seems to be a fast mover. I used to be more like he is now, which is easily explained by the difference in our ages, but in the past few years I have intentionally slowed down everything in my life, including my desire to take action.

I’m not saying there is anything wrong with the way he is doing things. On the contrary. The world needs people just like him and getting to know him a little has been a positive experience. He is questioning his role on this planet and talking to him about this causes me to rethink some of my spiritual decisions. Not really in an attempt to change or eliminate them, but just to check in and make sure I’m still going the right direction. It’s a good thing.

One of the things I like about this guy is his level of confidence in himself to engage people. He set up an event on Facebook and invited over 1000 people, and though only a fraction participated, he gathered a group of people together for honorable purposes. It was pretty impressive.

We had a recent conversation about the desire for clarity about ways to take positive action in the world. He desires to do more things to bring people together and spread the message of love. I encouraged him to do it through music, but it could actually be in any number of ways, large or small.

I realized that is where it’s at for me. Making all of life be action toward a greater outcome for all of creation.

Buddhism taught me that change starts within. And I am in control of my experience. The way I will make a positive impact in the world at large is to make a positive impact in my own life.

The reason I chose to slow my life down is so I could have the spaciousness to make decisions that will enhance my personal experience as well as impact every action I take. I figured myself out enough to know that if I want to make a difference, one of the biggest differences I can make is to conduct as much positive energy as possible, and then allocate that energy in such a way that it creates the most good in the world. So far that has been through writing and interpersonal relationships.

I seem to make the greatest impact with individuals and in the workplace. I have addressed small to medium groups verbally with some success as well, but I feel most comfortable with fewer people at a time.

I think I make up for that by pouring out my guts in writing.

Ultimately, I feel good about the path I am on and how I am moving along. That does not mean I am not open to change. And that is the challenge that is issued to each one of us with each and every relationship we develop. Whether it is a 30-second conversation in a coffee shop or a lifelong friendship, the people who come into our lives are mirrors. We are called to have the courage to look into those mirrors and discover ourselves.

It’s hard to say why any particular person shows up in our lives. Maybe I will help my new friend slow down sometimes and he will help me speed up when necessary. I don’t actually know. And I don’t even know if we have enough in common to stay friends, but whatever happens, it will be eye-opening. That much I can already sense.

We never know how long anything will last. The challenge of life is to make every single encounter with every person or creature complete and perfect. If we treat everyone we meet like a loved one we may never see again, magical things can happen.

There really is nothing to strive for outside of ourselves. The keys that unlock the universe are inside.

Open and receptive, let things come.

 

Humilitude

Things are settling down in my world again. The sense of relief is palpable. I have weathered some pretty interesting storms the past couple of years, but right now, it feels like everything is going to be okay.

Earlier tonight I spent a few minutes just feeling gratitude for all I have learned and how things have always managed to work out. It’s really beautiful the way the universe provides for each of us in such a personal way. When we’re not distracted we can look around and see these things, little miracles, happening all around us.

I want to be happy for the way things are, but I don’t want to have expectations anymore. I don’t want to give myself reasons to be disappointed about anything. Life is about impermanence. What is good today is bad tomorrow, if you allow yourself to be pulled in those directions. There is a middle path though. It is the path of gratitude. It’s about embracing what is. Not just tolerating it, but being truly open to whatever is happening right now.

Do you ever meet someone and just know immediately you have found a kindred spirit? Is there anything on earth that feels better than finding these people? I do believe I recently experienced this and I am very excited about it.

Life feels so much better today than it did 6 months ago and now I realize that gratitude, especially during the dark times, is the opposite of arrogance. The ability to accept whatever life presents and still be able to say thank you, is the key to liberation. Non-attachment, wu wei. These are noble practices, the bases of which lie in humility. Gratitude springs from a humble heart.

God doesn’t ask much of us. Love each other and say thank you once in a while. That’s about it.

The more I live, the simpler it all becomes.

I have so much to be grateful for.

May I take nothing for granted.

Reboot

Once again I find myself needing to post something just to keep my commitment to posting. It’s not that there’s nothing going on, it’s that I haven’t been taking much time to think about things. I’ve been distracting myself instead. Thankfully the holidays create distraction.

I’ve chosen distraction because, in my opinion, it is preferable to dwelling on things I have no control over. If I indulge too much in that activity, I quickly start spinning my wheels. To allow my mind to obsess over something that belongs in the hands of God, is a waste of my energy. There are a lot of other things in my life that deserve my attention more than the things I don’t like, those things I wish to surrender to the universe.

There is a glimmer of hope in my romantic life. Not with regard to one specific person, the whole process just feels better now. I’ve connected with a few nice guys, gone out a few times with a couple of them, and it’s been okay. No disasters, not even in the comic sense. I haven’t found one yet that I’d be interested in having a relationship with, but it’s okay that it’s taking some time. I want it to be right when it happens. I am going out next week with a guy who has so many quirky things in common with me that the prospect of meeting him makes me feel happy. He’s also very good-looking. That makes me happy…for obvious reasons. Hopefully he’s also a good person. I guess we’ll find out.

I’m hoping for small, manageable changes in my life. Just a little forward movement in the dating world, and maybe a bit more than that in the career world. I’m sorta playing life like a very important chess game right now. Slow and deliberate. Ya know?

For the past couple of weeks I have abandoned almost every comforting ritual in my life. I pray, but not nearly as often as I have at times; I haven’t been meditating often enough; I have stopped reading and writing. I’m never sure why I do this when life feels stressful, but that’s what happens. I’ve taken the giant step of forgiving myself for it. I have finally stopped adding guilt to everything I do or fail to do. It makes the difficult times go by more smoothly.

Tonight I will spend some time returning to my best beliefs–blessing all creatures, entertaining lovely thoughts, and restoring that heart connection with all that is good and right.

What a blessing it is for all of us that the Source is always available when we wish to tap into it.

Keeping the faith…it’s here somewhere

Last night I wrote a post about faith and willingness. This morning I feel like I need to follow that up and explain a little about how faith works in my life.

I am not one of those people who goes through life with rock solid faith. Faith for me is a process that must be worked at constantly. Because of the way it works in my life, I have always been curious about those people who seem to be able to exercise their faith unwaveringly in the darkest moments. I am not sure if those people actually have the same kinds of struggles and doubts that I and many other people seem to experience. If they do, they sure aren’t telling anyone.

There’s no right or wrong way to have faith. And maybe the difference between me and people whose faith seems so readily available to them is one of organization. Maybe it’s like the person with the neat and tidy desk who, when asked for something, finds it effortlessly in their beautiful and pristine workspace. My faith is under one of the many piles of very important stuff on my spiritual desk. It’s there and I can find it, it’s just gonna take me a minute…and it might have a coffee cup ring on it

Those who know me know I aspire to be a spiritual guru of sorts. Not because I think I have all the answers. Each person has the answers to their own questions, I just want to help people look. Kinda like when you lose your car keys. I want to be the person who reminds you to look in the pocket of the pants you wore yesterday, not the one who points out that if you had a better system and were more organized you wouldn’t have these issues. I’m not sure where in the world of spiritual gurus there is room for one such as me, but I hope to find my place.

Perhaps someday I will be one of those people who never seems to struggle and can use my spiritual tools proactively to create a beautiful stress-free life for myself and my family. Until then, I’ll be writing about my miracles as I recognize them, often in retrospect, and looking for my faith…the way I look for my glasses when I am already wearing them.

 

 

Willing heart

Life is bittersweet sometimes.

Things are still a ways from being perfect, but sometimes when I think about how the universe works, I am humbled and amazed.

On November 2, when I was in the deepest, darkest place of uncertainty, I tweeted this: The universe is bringing everything my family needs to keep going. I believe this and I give thanks in advance. ❤ I had very little tangible evidence to support that statement and I knew, even then, that my belief was in something much bigger than the circumstances in which I found myself.

Faith is like a muscle that is built by accepting what life brings with as much grace and equanimity as can be mustered. I do this to the best of my ability, though I will admit I do not always succeed, and sometimes feel very petty and weak.

Composing that tweet was a conscious and aware decision. I knew what my situation was, I knew something needed to happen, and I knew I had nothing I could point to as an indicator that things would be okay. But I knew that believing that things would not be okay was not an option. If I go around thinking things are going to suck and then they suck, I feel like I contributed to that outcome. But when I am truly able to believe things will work out, they do. It’s beautiful, especially when the connection between the belief and the outcome seems obvious.

A few days after posting the tweet, a friend tipped me off to a potential earning opportunity, which resulted in another friend offering to employ me until my permanent job starts. It’s not a lottery win, but it is a giant step toward things being okay again. I feel the difference the most in my heart. I have been carrying some heavy, heavy burdens with very few people to talk to. But once I finally told someone how scared I was feeling and how hard things have been, it started getting better immediately.

Faith requires a willingness to admit the truth about ourselves and about life. If we can do this with compassion, the universe responds…with loving kindness. God–whatever that means to a person–loves us. It is humanity that is harsh with itself.

The moments of truth that lead up to the tweet declaration were of the Jesus take the wheel variety. I was praying a lot and while talking to God about my life and circumstances, I finally came to the question Whatcha gonna do? And my answer was: I got nothin’, God. That place of ultimate surrender. The place where you have to surrender because there are no other options.

Grace only comes where it is truly needed. It is not welcome when we choose to grapple and struggle with things on our own. It is in giving up, saying fuck it to the cosmos, that we create the space necessary for grace to enter our hearts. When it happens, it is sublime. At the same time, I realize that some moments can’t be experienced if things are always going smoothly. We experience joy in proportion to our capacity to endure hardship without bitterness. In proportion to our willingness to see things as good no matter how they seem on the surface. How do I know my experience is good? Because it is the one I am having.

On November 2, I didn’t know what I was going to do to get my life back on track, but I knew one thing, I was willing…to do whatever it would take…and to be open and unconditionally accepting [of myself] in my darkest moments.

I see the light again.

Because of the difficulties that my life has been blessed with, I have experienced the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding. How can I fail to be grateful for this?

If any of this resonates, please check out Chapter 18, section 5 of A Course in Miracles. I actually looked it up just prior to writing this post, well after my own recent miracle was underway, but it so beautifully completes my thoughts here. And much more eloquently.

The thing at the top of my gratitude list these days? Sleeping soundly.

Amen.

Another year

It will be my birthday in 90 minutes. I haven’t thought about it very much because I had so much other stuff on my mind. Not having a job in this economy will do that to a person. I was actually hired about 3 weeks ago for a job, but haven’t been able to get started because they are waiting for the results of my background check to come back and I do not know what is taking so long.

A friend of mine offered to let me come and work for him for a little while so I could earn enough money to pay my rent. I am so grateful for this I hardly have words.

The past couple of weeks have been amazing. Every time I feel like I don’t have a shred of faith left in me, I ask for help from God, the angels, the saints, and ascended masters, and every time I ask, something happens to give me enough hope to go on. How many guarantees do any of us actually need? It’s great to feel like things will be fine long-term, but don’t we really live day-by-day, moment-by-moment?

Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” –Matthew 6:33-34

A couple of weeks ago, I said a prayer to St. Jude, the patron of desperate causes. I’m not Catholic, but I didn’t care, I was so afraid and so worried that I needed to feel there was someone who cared. As a show of faith, I decided to make a donation to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. I need to point out that even though my donation was small, I have almost no money right now, so it was a big deal to me. I wanted the universe to know that I trust I will be cared for just as I care for others, as unselfishly as possible. Later that same night, a trusted friend offered to give me a significant amount of money. Enough to relieve some of the pressure I was feeling, and thirty times the amount of my donation. I accepted with the caveat that I be allowed to repay it when things improve for me.

Between the loan and a few days of paid employment, I can see the light at the end of this tunnel I have been in. I am very grateful that in the darkest of times I have the presence of mind and heart to ask for help. And I am grateful that the help always comes. I’m not always brave enough to ask other people for help, but I am brave enough to ask God for help. Then God brings angels, dressed as friends.

It looks like everything is going to be okay. I feel so much genuine gratitude for the abundance of having the basic necessities of life. Everything else is icing.

In one hour it will be my birthday.