Peaceful, gentle, calm

It may be human nature in general, I’m not sure, but I have noticed that many people only stop complaining about the small things when there are bigger things to complain about. This applies to me as much as anyone, so the intention is not to criticize, it’s merely an observation.

Are we hardwired to worry? Is this the inescapable burden of suffering that we are given during this human experience?

A big part of my spiritual growth the past several years has been learning to stop sweating the small stuff and allowing myself to enjoy life. Some of it involves letting go of the negativity that I grew up with. Though they did their best and most likely did much better than their own parents, my parents taught their kids that the world is basically an unsafe place and that everyone is a potential threat so it is necessary to be on guard constantly. Because of the physical abuse that was also a part of my experience, I am guarded a lot of the time and try to stay at least a step ahead of whatever could go wrong. My biggest obstacles in life have been overcoming a general lack of trust and having to fight my nature to stay in the present moment so I can experience joy.

It’s not that I think I am particularly unique in these ways. In fact, the more I learn about life, the more I discover we are all here to learn the same lessons, it’s all a matter of degree. Some of us have big lessons to learn and some of us have small ones. But they are the same in that ultimately we are all here to learn how to love as unconditionally as possible and how to live in harmony.

I have been listening to a lecture by Pema Chodron in which she comments on a chapter of the book The Way of the Bodhisattva by Shantideva. It’s a book I have not read, but now feel that I must. Part of the chapter deals with developing bodhichitta, which though hard for me to describe fully, basically means having a sense of good will toward everything. This is such an important part of why I am on this planet and I wish to cultivate this quality in myself.

To the greatest degree possible, I wish to live the rest of my life doing as little harm as possible. That is not to say my intention has ever been to cause harm, it hasn’t, but until recent years I did not have a specific intention to do no harm.

The thing that most challenges me is keeping things in perspective, staying focused on the bigger picture, the grander scheme of things, while dealing with the minutiae of day-to-day reality. I believe I get better at it all the time, but it remains the most difficult thing I deal with. At least it gives me something to aspire to.

The bodhisattva vows to reincarnate until all souls are awakened. That is such a beautiful concept. To me it is the same as a savior who gives his life to pay for others’ sins.

I believe sins are merely mistakes we make when we don’t have the knowledge or ability to do any better.

Every time we choose to forgive, overlook a mistake, or treat someone with kindness and gentleness, we are saving each other. People are naturally hard on themselves. It comes from believing lies that have been around since the beginning of time. Nobody needs to have their flaws pointed out, but most people could use a little reassurance that they really are doing okay.

Those who find fault in others are looking outward for answers that can only be found within. Ultimately, we really are all looking for the same thing, love.

The great news is that we can help each other by developing the qualities of forgiveness, compassion, kindness and unconditional love.

I had to spend two years in near total solitude to figure some of this stuff out, but it has been the greatest gift I have ever received.

“Out of a shattered open heart springs a fountain of fiery sacred passion that will never run dry.” ~Rumi

Isn’t it ironic that the way to this place is through the dark valley of heartbreak?

We should all take a breather from worry and complaining about minutiae whenever possible. If we find more moments free of those things, the world will be a much more gentle place.  It’s a strong argument for meditation and prayer.

It is my wish that more people find ways to set aside worry and find the joy in even the most mundane moments because, when you think about it, each one is truly a miracle.

Forgiveness

This morning I was thinking about how I have learned less about the importance of forgiveness from needing to forgive the mistakes of others than I have from needing it for myself and not knowing if I have it.

Most people can likely relate to what I’m saying, but I don’t know how many have experienced it to the degree I have in the past few years. Everybody has hurt somebody and sometimes we can really feel the weight of our decisions. In my quest to know myself and my relationship to the thing most people call God, people have been hurt. Some of them (my decisions) have been huge and unskillfully made. It saddens me sometimes when I see the effects of my mistakes.

In the past few years I have separated from every person I have ever been close to. Intentionally and unintentionally. It has been the most painful process and series of life lessons I have ever been through, but it needed to happen. Many lessons were learned about relationships and how the universe works. Right now I’m very cautiously considering adding new friends to my life and reestablishing some older connections.

I feel like I can do this now because I am interacting with people again through work and it feels like I am releasing bad karma and building up good. Spending too much time alone is not healthy long-term. Not for me anyway. It automatically encourages too much thinking of oneself. And life is about the other, I am convinced of it.

This is the lesson I have learned over the past couple of years of desolate solitude: My life isn’t about me. My life is about my interaction with the rest of reality. Even when I am alone for long periods of time, I cannot escape the fact that my thoughts determine many things, the impact of which is felt not just by me, but everyone I encounter, however briefly. It is absolutely my duty to cultivate a heart of compassion and forgiveness. We all deserve to be treated with respect, understanding and acceptance. And because we all deserve it, cultivating these qualities in myself is the highest calling to which I can aspire in this lifetime.

This is why I am living life the way I have chosen. Being present and aware is the only way to learn the lessons. Whatever life hands me, my  job is to experience it, to learn from that experience, and with that knowledge, make the world a more loving place.

The really wonderful moments of my life often include these moments of insight. As the answers come to me and I am able to put them into practice, I experience moments of true peace and joy. No external thing can produce, describe or compare to this feeling.

I am doing my best to keep it real, which for me means staying aware, understanding myself and my motivations, and honoring the thing that unites us all. I am hoping that having come quite a distance in the process of holding myself accountable for my experience, I am able to have compassion for those who are still not quite able to. Life lessons come at a high price and I don’t blame anyone for being afraid of going there. Ultimately, my hope is that the quality of my relationships going forward will be much higher than it has been in the past.

The only person I will ever really need to forgive is me. Everyone is doing their best. Anyone I perceive as having harmed me in some way is no exception to that. There is nothing to forgive when you really think about it.

As for me, I have made a lot of mistakes, big ones. But I have never really held a desire to intentionally hurt anyone. My life has been way more about wanting to help than hurt. But I’m human and I have made decisions that have harmed others. I wish to be forgiven for those, especially those I have thus far been unable to correct. It’s never too late and I keep my mind and heart open to opportunities that will lead to neutralizing any negative effects of my actions and to spiritual reconciliation with anyone I have ever harmed. It’s not necessary to have all of these people become a part of my day-to-day life again, but it is necessary for the spiritual connections I have to be of the clearest, highest and most positive frequency.

I have been a bit uninspired to write lately. Fatigue from work combined with thinking hard about people and human nature left me more introspective than expressive for a while. Such are the cycles of life. Things have opened for the moment and there are things to share. This moment will give way to the next, which may again be a moment of contemplation and reflection with little expression. Both are equally valuable.

I have much gratitude for what I have gained through life’s difficulties. Insight is an amazing gift. Seeing more, seeing a grander picture. The world is so much bigger and richer coming from the perspective of awareness.

All the things I went looking for, unconditional love, acceptance, kindness, understanding, and compassion, I found them. Inside.

I am blessed.

“When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” ~Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)

“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”  ~Maya Angelou

“I’m just sitting here watching the wheels go ’round and ’round, I really love to watch them roll. No longer riding on the merry-go-round, I just had to let it go.” ~John Lennon

Spiritual awakening kit

A 23-year-old from the online dating site asked me, after reading my profile, if I have any advice for him. He’s a young Buddhist and is interested in learning more about life. I told him the best advice I could give anyone is to be here now and to be in the present moment as much as possible because only from the present moment do we have the power to heal the past and create the future.

So now, I am wondering if I were to put together a spiritual survival kit of sorts, what would be in it? Here are some of the books, dvds and other items I would put together for someone starting down the path I have been on:

• The Bible
• A dvd of What the Bleep Do We Know, the extended quantum edition
• The Game of Life and How to Play it by Florence Scovel Shinn
• Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Nhat Hanh
• You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay
• A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson
• A Course in Miracles
• Angels 101 by Doreen Virtue
• The Secret by Rhonda Byrne
• The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
• Science of Mind by Ernest Holmes
• Tao te Ching
• Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl
• Siddhartha by Herman Hesse
• The Alchemist by Paulo Coehlo
• Crystals, specifically: clear quartz, rose quartz, amethyst, citrine, moonstone, and blue lace agate
• Beautiful music
• Candles
• Incense
• Paper and pen
• A sense of humor

There are a lot more books I could put on the list. In the past few years I have read so many that have impacted me. Whenever I find a book that speaks to me, it invariably leads me to others that do as well.

Even with its ups and downs, this has been an amazing journey I’ve been on the past several years. It makes me really look forward to whatever is next. It  just gets better and better.

It’s a privilege to share what I have learned with everyone.

 

Unjamming the signal

Why do I have to learn over and over and over that if I don’t take care of myself, day-to-day life will quickly overwhelm me? This is one of the things that frustrates me about myself and one of the reasons I feel like I’m still spiritually immature. As soon as I get tired or stressed, I stop doing the things that keep me on an even keel. Meditation becomes a rushed, half-hearted activity, distractions become very, very attractive and I just want to sleep.

The thing that this new job has shown me is that I leave myself way too open to other people’s energy and need to find ways to better protect myself. I am not without resources in this area, I have learned and been taught many ways to anchor myself and how to surround myself in protective energy. When I have a lot of information coming at me I sometimes forget to use the tools I have at my disposal.

As I learn and grow spiritually it takes me less and less time to remember that I am not a slave to my thoughts and feelings, but sometimes it seems like I have to suffer a bit before I remember that I have control over that. I think the reason it takes a while for the message to get my attention is that now, being around a lot of people again, I am picking up so much more information than I ever have before and the energy that is coming at me is overwhelming. One of the biggest things that has come out of my awakening is hypersensitivity. My intuitive power has increased exponentially during the time I have spent in meditation and contemplation the past couple of years.

There is more than one facet to raising one’s intuition. It’s a great gift to be able to know things unspoken, but empathic people need to figure out when it’s time to pull back or let go.

In this past 10 days of working I have been picking up on people’s insecurities, burdens and energy needs. I’ve always been able to sense what people want and/or expect from me, which is helpful. When you grow up the way I did, that ability can make the difference between life and death. I say that without exaggeration.

As this ability has increased in me, I am able to tell exactly what burdens people are carrying in their hearts. That is not a bad thing. I have a compassionate heart and I can think of no better way to use the energy that is flowing through me than to offer a little understanding to a weary traveler. Like a sip of cool water on a hot day.

I am very thankful that I have this gift, but if I want to keep using it, I need to stay connected to the Source. All I need to do is remember I have support. I may not have family beyond my children or friends who are close right now, but there are people who care and there are angels who love to protect and help me. I need to remember I am not alone.

Today is a day of releasing. Letting go of the energy I picked up during the week. Time to take a moment, think of the people I interacted with during the week, bless their journey and let them go. There may be people who become friends out of this experience, but it’s just as likely I will move on and never know them again. Either way my goal is to leave them better off if I can. God willing.

To do that I need to make sure I have something to offer. I want to present my best self–that’s the one with the power to change the world.

Battery is about 50% recharged. Thank God for Saturday. A day of rest is a holy thing indeed.

Be Impeccable with Your Word

Cover via Amazon

Isn’t it amazing how some books can rock a person’s world, but to look at them one might underestimate the power contained within the pages?  There are several books of 150 pages or less that have profoundly impacted my life. The ability to accomplish that so succinctly is a gift of Divine providence in my opinion.

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is one of those books.  Its 138 pages contain the power to alter lives and change the world. Not because there is anything in the book everyone doesn’t already know on some level. The wisdom is simple and practical. That does seem to be the case with profound wisdom and universal truth. They are broad and uncomplicated.

One of the things I can say about the spiritual awakening process is that it feels more like remembering than learning.  I hope that doesn’t sound trite because it’s been a profound part of my experience. Things feel true, not new.

Having survived the first few days of my new job, I have been re-reading The Four Agreements and sort of meditating upon its meaning and application in my life. The past few days I have been working with the First Agreement, which is Be Impeccable with Your Word. Going from near solitude to being around groups of people again underscores this principle and reinforces my commitment to use words carefully.

I don’t know if it works this way for everyone, but the more awake and aware I become, the more quickly I am able to recognize cause and effect. This ability is a huge gift and reward for meditation, contemplation, and introspection. As I tune in more and more to my intuitive side, it becomes easier to see what’s really going on with people and how we impact each other with our words.

Yesterday someone asked me to do something I didn’t want to do. I very weakly used my word in a lame attempt to say no and was angry when I ended up agreeing to something. If something makes me that upset, it needs to be looked at. The conclusion I came to is that I either need to say no, clearly and unequivocally or accept my choice to say yes. If I make a choice, that is my action; there is nobody else to be upset with. It’s ridiculous to make a decision and then be mad at someone else about it. Once I had this realization, I was immediately at peace.

This is one of the ways I have learned to discern the truth. The truth always brings peace and liberation. Ego brings fear and anxiety.

In the book The Four Agreements, Ruiz likens the power of the word to the ability to cast spells of white or black magic.

Thoughts and words are vibrations. Vibrations are energy. There is a constant exchange of energy between all creatures and matter. Our thoughts and words impact everyone and everything around us.

Thought is a creative power. Reducing thought to words is a concentration of that power. Thoughts and words lead to action. Unconscious belief systems have a lot of influence over what actions we take. How we believe things are and how we interpret past events is how we create the future.

I love the process of gaining insight. Sometimes its as gentle as a butterfly. When you consider something and think wow, that makes a lot of sense, that feels true. At other times something seemingly insignificant will cause insight to hit right between the eyes, like a 2×4 to the forehead.

Yesterday was one of those 2×4 kinds of days for me. There was an amazing sense of clarity and awareness after I had the realization about my responsibility to be impeccable with my word. I can’t expect anyone else to be other than who and what they are, but I can control my mind and actions. Whether or not my peace is disturbed is wholly and completely within my power.

One of my new coworkers asked the ages of my kids which led to discussion about marriage and divorce. For the first time I really heard myself explain the end of my marriage. It was horrifying. I made it sound like my marriage was a nightmare that I had escaped from. Certainly I was unhappy, but it wasn’t that dramatic. Being married started to suck pretty badly and I wanted to be single, so I left. That’s what really happened.

When I heard myself dramatize the end of my marriage, I made a mental note to examine why I felt the need to describe it as I had. Later when I had time to think, I wondered how much I am impacting my future by putting that kind of spin, not only on the end of my marriage, but a lot of the things that have happened in my past.

The reason I would paint that particular picture of why I got divorced is because that version makes me look like the hero. If I can let go of needing to be seen that way, I can change the way I interpret that and so many other events. Changing the way I look at a thing changes the thing. Changing anything changes everything. The whole picture is impacted by changing even one detail.

A big part of my spiritual path is to recognize and eradicate thoughts and words that are holding me back. I don’t have to think positively about everything, but I don’t have to think negatively. If I refuse to judge events, I neutralize their power to dictate my behavior.

It might just be me, but the ramifications of this seem huge. If I can take this inventory of my life and look at things as facts, not truth, I will be a huge step closer to freedom, to enlightenment.

What I find most amazing is that a person can correct their thinking about every single event that has shaped their life. In so doing, I believe it’s possible to profoundly affect one’s future. Awareness in the present moment can correct the past, erase mistakes, reorder things. And it is done through the word, the stories we tell ourselves and each other. Rewriting the past in the present rewrites the future. This feels true to me.

It’s a compelling argument for impeccability.

Thanking the universe for getting my attention yesterday.

Seek His Face

It’s amazing the insights that come after a challenging day.  I’m exhausted.  I had to deal with some stuff today, but everything ended up fine and all is well.

In these last few quiet moments before I go to sleep, I am thinking about spiritual awakening and how it is a really interesting process in which a person sees what was right in front of them all along.  I think God really wants to be seen by us.  He/She/It leaves clues everywhere.  Every moment of every day.  It’s like when someone is trying to point something out to you and you just can’t see it and then when you do, you wonder how you missed it.  It’s like getting new glasses and realizing how poor your vision was.

I’m so grateful to get to start over new every day.  To know you’ve done your best at the end of the day is a gift.  To get a do over every morning is a blessing beyond words.

The world is a beautiful place.

Angel protection

Once in a while I write about my belief in and interaction with angels.  I’m trying to become more comfortable with sharing my experiences because I doubt anyone who would have any interest in reading this blog is going to think poorly of me because of my view on angels.

Earlier this evening I did a full moon meditation guided by Doreen Virtue, a spiritual teacher who only came into my life about a year ago, but has had a huge impact in that short time.  During the meditation she asked several angels to be present.  The meditation was around letting go of that which no longer serves.  Seems like I’ve been doing a lot of that in recent years and yet always have something to let go of.

I felt the presence of the angels as I was doing the meditation.  It was very comforting and helped me to lay down some of the burdens that have been on my mind and heart lately.  As I have been reporting in this blog, I’m not unhappy these days, but I have still felt burdened by uncertainty and stress.

I’m pretty new to angel experiences, so I don’t know yet how to understand and interpret what’s been happening, but there is something that I have noticed as a pattern that I find very interesting that lends a sense of credibility to what I have experienced.

Whenever I have any experience in which I call on the archangel Michael, something amazing happens.  When I ask this wonderful angel for his protection, I feel surrounded by an energy and can sense what feels like wings enfolding me.  It’s so hard for me to explain this to anyone, not only because it is a new experience for me, but I know that everyone experiences things differently so what I am reporting may not make any sense to anyone else.  Oh how I wish to meet more people who understand these things!

The other thing that happens when I feel the presence of this angel is that I start crying uncontrollably.  It is an interesting sensation because it’s not a bad thing.  Even though there is a sadness there, it’s accompanied by a sense of release.  It feels like I finally have the strong shoulder to cry on that I have needed my entire life.  I’ve never really had any person in my life I felt I could lean on or felt comfortable expressing myself emotionally with.  And what these experiences with the angel have felt like is finally being able to let go of all of the stuff from the past with someone who understands and cares and wants to protect me.

My life is changing.  I am leaving behind the person I used to be, the one who so strongly identified with the past and all the things that happened that shouldn’t have happened as well as the things that didn’t happen that I thought should have.

This blog has a lot to do with this transformation.  The things I have shared here I have only recently told to anyone at all.  I spent so much of my life trying to hide the truth because I felt ashamed of the things that happened to me.  It’s only been in the past year that I have openly shared with people some of the details of the abuse that was a part of my early life.  As a result of writing this stuff, I feel like I am finally letting it go and finally able to move on without the baggage.  It’s over and none of it matters anymore.

I feel like I am going to be a much stronger advocate for people who need a protector than I ever have been before.  I have always felt empathy, but I have never been able to share enough of myself to show someone that no matter what happens to us in life, it can be okay.  We can choose to make it okay and by so choosing it is possible to neutralize the damage from those past experiences.

As archangel Michael protects me and provides me with a safe shoulder to cry on, I seek to be that for others.  And though I am not always confident in all areas, I do know this, I am a loyal friend and ally.  Anyone who has ever met me knows that I am strong and confident in my convictions and determination to help and do good.  And I shall.

May angels surround you, protect you, and make you feel as loved as you truly are.

Be Here Now

Yesterday a friend of mine reminded me of the night my spiritual awakening suddenly sped up about a year and a half ago.  The night I almost gave up.  It’s been a while since I have thought about it.  That’s probably a good thing.

An amazing transformation happens when a person gets a taste of ultimate despair.

Having that experience changed me profoundly.  I had been depressed and heartbroken before in life, but had never seriously considered giving up altogether until that night.  And it was my birthday.  That’s pretty sad to remember.  Every single one of my illusions about everything shattered that night.  Ultimately that is a good thing, but when it happens all at once, it’s a very frightening experience.  By the end of that night, I didn’t have any beliefs anymore.  There was not a single thing I could say I believed as a certainty.  There still isn’t very much.  I believe in love.  And that’s really all.

I’m a better person now.  I don’t think I’m special or fundamentally different from anyone.  At the end of the day we’re all here for the same reason and all want the same things, to be happy, to avoid suffering and to give and receive love.  That’s all there is and every action is born of one of those.

My existence is dedicated to the force many of us call God or the Universe or the Source.  I use all of those terms and more.  My life is my gift to my fellow humans and to God as a show of gratitude for all the blessings I have received.  All that I have I offer to others.  I don’t have many material possessions, but I do have a unique perspective and a modest talent for writing which allows me to share the things that have made a huge difference in my development.  Those I offer freely to anyone who can benefit from them.

The night I wanted to give up was a night of ultimate awareness.  My eyes were opened and I saw straight into the mysteries of the universe.  Suddenly everything made sense.  It was still really painful, but I understood.  That’s why I seem generally positive to people.  I’m just glad to be here, because I know there was a time I didn’t want to be and wasn’t sure if I would be.  Everything after that is icing.  As difficult as my life is for me at times, I am living it and I am right here, present and aware most of the time.

In times of suffering as well as times of joy, being in the present moment is the only time we are ever truly living our lives.  Whenever our minds are in the past or the future we are missing out on life, it is passing us by.  The great thing about staying present during the suffering is that any mistakes I make from here on out will never be made again in my life.  Patterns of behavior are busted when we are paying attention and willing to change.  To the extent that I am able to pay attention to my life, I never have to repeat mistakes or painful, habitual patterns anymore.  The choice is mine, habits do not rule me.  That alone is worth the effort it takes to be present in the now.

After so many years of being disconnected from my feelings out of shame for having them, really feeling things is glorious.  It adds such depth to life.

As much as I feel like I unload in this blog, at a fundamental level, I am happy.  There are blessings on their way that will bring even more joy into my life, but I’m still happy now, even with all the uncertainty and angst.  Because I’m here, now, in the present moment where everything is always fine.

Polarities

I’ve been reading a book about the Kybalion, a compilation and condensation of the Hermetic teachings.  I only just now realized that I’m reading a book about a book about a book.  Wow.  It’s a helpful starting point though.  I’ve tried reading Corpus Hermeticum and The Emerald Tablets on my own and at this point in my spiritual/metaphysical development, I am grateful to have assistance extracting the message from the larger works.

One of the Sacred Principles of the Kybalion is the Principle of Polarity, which explains that things that seem like opposites to our human understanding are really different extremes of the same pole.  The book, Divine Magic, by Doreen Virtue uses (among others) the example of hot and cold, showing that between the polarities of hot and cold there are “countless degrees of warmth and coolness.”  The difference between things that seem opposed to each other are matters of degree, not of kind.

Just thinking about this concept can bring comfort in times of discomfort (again two ends of a pole).  Knowing that contained in everything is the potential of its opposite can help a person see the bigger picture and exercise control over the way things are perceived.

This information is helpful to me partly because I’m a Scorpio and seem to exist in extremes, but it is also helpful to me because I survived a violently abusive childhood.  The Principle of Polarity teaches me that even while experiencing deep despair, the ultimate heights of joy are present as part of the same pole.  Remembering this and reflecting upon it in dark moments has put many things into perspective for me.  For instance, when I am experiencing moments of great joy and light, which I frequently do, I know that but for the things that have hurt me to the depths of my soul, I could not experience such amazing joy and love as I do now.  And it is in those moments of recognition that I have been able to transform how I perceive victimization.  I am now able to look at some of the worst moments of my life with tremendous gratitude, knowing that I would not be where I am now had I not been where I was then.  I am not suggesting that it is easy or that lack of gratitude after abuse is wrong, I am simply sharing my experience as one to whom life has presented the option of feeling victimized by events from my past.

A much lighter example of this principle is the hot/cold polarity as it applies in my life.  I have issues about feeling physically cold.  My dislike of it borders on phobic.  However, on the other end of this pole is how much I love the feeling of being warm.  The degree of my love for warmth exists because of the degree of my dislike of cold.

Just yesterday I was trying to change a tire on my car in the pouring rain.  I didn’t have a coat on and my hair, skin and clothes were saturated.  Even before I was out of the wet clothes I was comforted by knowing how good I was going to feel when I put on warm, dry clothes.

The implications of this are far-reaching for the student who works with this principle and can visualize the desired outcome existing in the undesired circumstances.  Think about it: Illness/Health, Poverty/Abundance, Despair/Joy.  It seems to me that if a person can really embrace and master this principle, there  is no negative that cannot be transmuted and nothing that person cannot manifest for themselves.

I am grateful to be living in an age when this ancient wisdom can be shared freely without fear of retribution.  That has not always been so. I look forward to sharing the things I learn as they become clear to me.

May you be blessed with peace, joy and love.

Cheryl

Dirty spirituality

Writing is therapeutic.  Most people who feel compelled to write understand this.  Sharing one’s writing with the world is another matter entirely.  That is why I am challenging myself to post at least two blogs, of any length, each week.

Overall, this blog is meant to be about spirituality and I beleive it is.  However, my approach is less in-your-face advice and instruction as it is observations gleaned from my life and the lives of others.  And it will include both things that uplift and inspire me and things that annoy and peeve me. It is my hope that others with good intentions and lots of questions will benefit from the ways in which I grapple with spiritual stuff.  So with that, here we go:

I’m a happy girl.  Anyone who knows me well enough to actually get me knows this.  Those who know me well also know that I am intimately acquainted with my dark side.  In my case, the light always wins, but the darkness demands its day in court.  Rightfully so in my opinion.

Something I have noticed lo these many weeks of using Twitter is that many of the people I consider positive or spiritual tweeters never post anything personal or neutral, let alone negative.  There is a part of me that agrees with this because I believe it is in my best interest to spend as much time thinking positively as I can.  However, for me, darkness needs to be acknowledged before it can be released.

The question might be: Must I acknowledge my darkness publicly?  One could argue that if I want people to pay attention to the positive message I wish to promote, that I need to push only that message.  That’s the thing, I feel like I’m doing that.  We all walk a unique spiritual path and mine includes revealing how very real and human a person can be at the same time as being spiritual and wildly idealistic from the world’s perspective.

Sometimes I feel like I see a bigger picture than many people.  Of course the people I encounter most frequently are normal people getting through the day-to-day grind of living on this planet at this time in history.  Although I comfort myself frequently with their books, I don’t hang out with people like Wayne Dyer and Louise Hay.  Not that I wouldn’t, it would be a privilege to call either of them a personal friend.  My point is, I live in the world of people who struggle.  And for me, struggle is the process of reconciling the darkness with the light I know deep down is there.

That is not to suggest that people who succeed in the world of self-help and spirituality do not struggle.  Everyone has moments when things don’t make sense and it is necessary to dig deep to find the knowing place.  I am suggesting that it might not be as much work to get to that place if some of the basics like financial security and stability are present.

That said, I don’t think people with few resources and little stability need to worry.  Worry helps nothing, ever.  All it does is add fear to whatever one is already dealing with.  However, opportunities to worry do seem to present themselves more frequently to people who are faced with things like job loss, health concerns and financial challenges.  And I am here to acknowledge that it takes self-discipline to stay positive in the face of these things.

I believe every struggle is a spiritual struggle.  I also think people are encouraged when they find out they are not alone when they are teetering at the edge of the pit of despair.

This is why I write about the days when I feel less than motivated spiritually or when I discover some way that I have been undermining my own success.  I write to bring awareness to the things that threaten to trip me up on my spiritual path, to encourage my fellow humans and to call out my demons.  Experience has taught me that demons respond to being called by name.

Today’s issue is a form of self-imposed martyrdom from which I am trying to break free.  If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to stop being so hard on myself…well, let’s just say I would be very excited to have that money.

Recently this martyrdom scenario played out with me being annoyed at a friend for criticizing me constantly.  I’ll be honest, this person drives me nuts sometimes.  He regularly points out things about me…for my own good.  But it doesn’t feel like it’s for my good, it feels like it’s for the satisfaction of his ego.  I don’t think I’m wrong about that, but recently, in the middle of writing a long e-mail rant telling said friend how much his behavior bothers me, the inner voice chimed in.

It actually happened in the form of an argument with myself in my head that went something like this:

Me: I get so tired of being criticized by the people who call themselves my friends.  I have been having this experience over and over my entire life.  Why do I keep attracting people who are so critical?  And why do I seem to attract people who are critical of others (me) while largely remaining silent about their own shortcomings?

Inner voice: Why should you expect to attract anything other than people who criticize when you criticize yourself so mercilessly? Remember, people are mirrors.

And that is the thing with the inner voice of wisdom.  Whenever I start to really whine, it can shut me up with a sentence or two. The inner voice is great, but it does tend to ruin a carefully planned pity party.

So, I abandoned the e-mail rant and decided to deal with my issue.  Now I am examining how I set people up to criticize me and asking myself what I’m getting from this.  I’ll get back to you when I have figured it out.

I feel like I need to jump to the ultimate point of this post.  Our experiences in life are a direct reflection of how we think about ourselves.  I feel criticized because I am self-critical.  This is why I believe it’s important to gain mastery over the mind.

Another example of this self-fulfilling prophetic thinking is how I spent a good deal of my life thinking of myself as a person who struggles and overcomes obstacles, which actually doesn’t sound bad on the surface.  In fact, I have overcome many obstacles and achieved more than I might have if I hadn’t held that thought.  However, as I mature spiritually, I realize that continuing to think of myself that way is only going to bring more struggle and obstacles to overcome.

These realizations about struggle, difficulties and critical people are the reason I am working with affirmations…and writing this blog.  If I tell others that they are beautiful, perfect, glorious beings while thinking differently of myself, how can I expect anyone to believe me?  One of my main goals is to help people see their beauty and experience love and self-forgiveness.  It seems important to include myself in the process.

I often say that I never meet people who need help seeing their flaws, but I have met many who need help seeing their beauty.  That also applies to me.  So if people really want to help me, saying something uplifting and positive would be a great way to do that.  Or even just stop criticizing.  I’m trying to stop beating myself up, I’m not looking for someone to do it for me.

Spirituality, like childbirth, is a messy process, but worth the effort.  We should help each other give birth to the best that is in each one of us.

Cheryl