The keys

Today is Mother’s day. One of the most bittersweet days of the year for me. I’ve been estranged from my parents for several years. Most days it still seems like the right thing. When relationships are not healthy despite the best efforts of the parties involved, it’s better to sever them. That might sound harsh to some, but the ones who understand it, most likely understand because they have been through trauma in their relationships with their parents.

Not everyone has an easy childhood. And when you haven’t had a good relationship with your parents, it’s really hard to relate to things like the deluge of Facebook posts that happens on days like Mother’s day.

I’m not saying it’s bad for people to honor their mothers. It is absolutely the right thing to do. It’s just important to recognize that not everybody honors their mother in the same way. Some of us honor our mothers by choosing not to continue a relationship that causes pain on both sides. And that’s okay. It’s certainly preferable to giving or receiving guilt, blame, anger, and resentment.

I posted something on Facebook today acknowledging that this day is not easy for everyone. Several friends have lost their moms, a few are estranged from their mothers, and a couple have children who were lovingly given up for adoption. This day brings a vast array of emotions for many of us. It felt important to acknowledge those whose hearts have a bit of heaviness today.

Someone posted a comment to my post on Facebook, thanking me for the things I post in general as well as that specific post. It was nice to read those words. I’m mindful of what I share with people and daily work on keeping my personal energy clear and bright. To know that my words make people feel better means a lot to me. The compliment got me to thinking about something that’s been on my mind quite a bit lately.

How many times have we all heard (or read) that in order to love others we must first learn to love ourselves? This is one of the great mysteries of the universe in my opinion. It took me a really long time to learn what those words mean…a lifetime, really. But a few days ago, I had a moment of insight in which I realized I think I may have reached a place where I am mostly my own best friend. Coming from the other end of the spectrum, of being my own worst enemy, this feels very good, by comparison.

This realization came in a roundabout way. It was through others’ recognition and seeing that I am actually helping people. People I know over Facebook and people I’ve never met over Twitter and through this blog. And the most amazing and beautiful part of it is that I set out  on this part of my journey as a way to help and heal myself because there was nobody else in my life at the time. I was always open to the idea that if even one other person felt a little less alone in the world because they read my words, that would be a blessing multiplied, but my primary concern most days was soothing my own troubled soul and getting through the day each day.

I’ve been on this path for a while now and for a lot of the past several years I’ve carried a burden on my heart of having people in my life I haven’t been able to forgive. Again, myself first, but there are others. Recently I decided to stop worrying about the people I feel this way about and work on forgiving myself, strengthening my relationship with God as I understand it, and choosing to live a happy life, come what may. Miracles are starting to  happen as a result.

My feelings toward someone who has caused a lot of harm in my life have begun to soften. And a few nights ago, I found myself praying sincerely for my parents. In a way that a heart with even a shred of unforgiveness would be unable. In that very moment I knew a miracle had happened. I knew that miracles do happen in our lives and the only thing that keeps miracles away is unwillingness.

We humans like to place a lot of limits and conditions on things. When we let go of the need to do that so much, the world opens up like a flower.

The Buddhist metta meditations always starts with oneself. We radiate kindness that we first give to ourselves. It’s lovely.

Figuring out how to be your own best friend, and how to let others be exactly who they are without needing anyone to do, say, or be anything other than what their heart tells them to be, that is true freedom. When you are free, truly free in your heart and soul, you have the keys to the kingdom.

And in my humble opinion, when you find yourself in possession of the keys to the kingdom, the right thing to do is make copies and pass them out to everyone you meet.

Amen.

Grief or self-pity?

Sometimes the events of life are difficult to put in perspective. There are moments of sadness, grief, and pain. It doesn’t have to be the death of a loved one, it can be anything that produces a profound sense of disappointment or loss. There are many legitimate reasons to grieve. But grief can be a very lonely and isolating experience.

I’ve been wondering lately about the line between grief and self-pity and how to know when I have crossed it.

I was a sensitive kid who grew into a sensitive adult. I wish to experience a world where everyone loves and accepts each other. Experiencing the cruelty of the world with greed, hatred, intolerance, and injustice being the things on the minds of most people has been difficult for me. This and feelings of disappointment at my perceived failures have recently caused me sadness and grief.

In a way, feelings of grief have been a part of my life as far back as I can remember. This is why I have worked toward letting go of so much past baggage. It’s in putting those things to rest that I am able to experience joy.

My familiarity with grief goes back to a childhood marked by cruelty that was complicated by an inability to understand how people (my parents) could harbor so much rage and hate that they would harm their own child. It never made any sense to me.

Whenever I witness cruelty toward people or animals it makes me sad.

This brings me to the fundamental thing that perplexes me about people in general. In my mind we are not called to do anything impossible or even monumentally difficult as human beings. We are supposed to love, forgive, and accept each other because that is what we all want for ourselves. Jesus said there are basically two commandments, Love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength; and love your neighbor as yourself. That’s it. Doing those two things fulfills the entirety of the law.

Why is it so hard for us to forgive each other and just accept our fellow humans? When we are able to do this on a grand scale, none of the other ills of the world will exist. It won’t be possible. Love dissolves evil. If we are able to develop unconditional love in ourselves individually, we contribute to the future possibility of a perfect world.

I recently figured out that while grief can be a slippery slope into self-pity, it’s really only a problem when it’s impossible to recognize goodness or have gratitude.

While I was researching the difference between grief and self-pity, I came upon some websites for people whose children have died. I’m a bit more familiar with the topic than I wish I was, but it caused me to pause and remember that right now, regardless of what I would change about my life if I could, my children, the greatest joys of my life, are happy and healthy. They feel good about themselves, they are well cared for, and they know they are loved. Not everybody can say that. I am blessed.

So I realize that what I have been feeling is grief. A momentary sadness and disappointment with my actual life compared to the expectations I had for myself. It’s normal and it doesn’t define me. I thought my career was going a certain direction, but it seems to be taking a detour. I also did not expect to find myself alone at this point in my life, especially after finding my soul mate. My version of my life story is different than I have seen it play out. It’s okay, it presents me with a question so profound that it is the very basis of my personal philosophy: Whatcha gonna do? We can’t give up just because things aren’t going the way we thought they would go. It’s the point at which this question presents itself that we decide whether to let grief turn into self-pity. The answer to that one question is our response to life.

I’m looking forward to things getting better. As they do, I hope to find the beauty in as many moments as possible.

May all creatures have peace, love, and ease of well-being. This is my true wish.

It’s called practice for a reason

I’ve been slacking spiritually. This happens from time to time and it doesn’t feel very good, but sometimes I get so preoccupied with worrying about stuff that I let go of the wrong things. I still find myself inspired by the seemingly mundane, but I need to get back to a more regular habit of meditation, especially the metta meditations. My spiritual practice has become rather weak lately.

My life goes most smoothly when I am blessing and uplifting my fellow humans. I’ve been doing less of that recently and I need to step it up. In fact, last night I found myself saying some pretty unfortunate things about some people I met at my last job. There were some truly unusual people at that job and I have struggled to see the good in some of them. But what I need to remember is anything negative I recognize in someone else is but a reflection of some aspect of myself that I do not wish to face. When I am able to remember this I am able to care about people regardless of their behavior.

Just as in gratitude, in forgiveness sometimes we have to take things down to the very basics. Just as sometimes life becomes so difficult it is necessary to give thanks for just being able to survive ones circumstances, sometimes we have to look at others as people who are doing their best, no matter how unfortunate their best might be, and know that all beings just want to be happy. Sometimes people just stray really far from the truth and seek happiness where it cannot be found. It’s a form of hell. And it’s hard to see people stuck there.

I need to reconnect with the Source because every once in a while when I am talking with someone, I say things that I know have come from a wisdom much higher than my own. And I know for certain that when I am diligent about meditation and spiritual study, those moments happen more frequently. Synchronicities become an everyday occurrence. It’s easy to forgive people and it’s easy to love them. Life takes on a sparkly, magical quality. It’s like being in love…with the whole world. It’s the most amazing thing ever.

Seriously, who wouldn’t want to feel like that? It’s intoxicating.

I set my intention, once again, to the path I have chosen and I look forward to daily miracles.

Our spiritual well-being requires constant care, just like our physical well-being. It’s never a done deal. I am happy to put forth the effort for the sake of my fellow humans.

 

Hopeful

I hope people understand why I write the way I do.  Having never been told otherwise, writing a blog feels like having a conversation with the whole world.  Most of my writing comes from that place inside that wants to let people know that I understand and I feel compassion for us all.  That’s the biggest reason I share things that to me feel very personal.

Things have been happening that are not comfortable.  But I realized today that I am facing my fears head on and once I work through this period of my life, I’m going to emerge a lighter, happier person.  The one thing I will say about experiencing misfortune is that once you let go of the things that you thought were stable and necessary, including belief systems, life becomes very simple, very quickly.  And for myself I can say that most of the time I feel peaceful.  I share some of my angst here, but I am largely calm and happy.

The way I stay peaceful is by daily reflecting on the blessings in my life.  There is so much good and so much beauty around for people who are able to stay present.  I would like to see mindfulness taught to school children.  The world would be a much better place.

I like to make lists.  But for some reason during times of stress, I forget to do it.  I decided tonight that I am going to make a list of the things I like best about myself and at least one other person.  There have been some really wonderful people in my life.  And even though things feel a little lonely at times, I know these people are a phone call away and there are a lot of them.  I need to remember that when I start feeling isolated.

I wish for all people to be gentle and compassionate toward themselves.  Start there and it will radiate outward.

I’m feeling hopeful tonight.