Sometimes my life feels like that tv show McGyver. Though I have never actually watched it, the premise as I understand it is a guy who gets himself out of impossible situations with gum and a paperclip. It’s a very good analogy for the way things look in my life right now.
My car may need expensive repairs very soon. This saddens me because I do not know how that is going to unfold. My car has been so good to me. For some reason I get attached to certain things I own. My car is always on that list. And it doesn’t matter at all how good or bad the car looks or runs, I just have such gratitude for having a way to get around quickly, that I develop kind feelings toward my car. I felt the same way about my Mac laptop that got me through law school. I like dependable things. And my current car has been very dependable. And I haven’t taken as good of care of it as I would have liked to. There has been so much going on in my world that I am doing everything I can to just patch the holes, put out the fires and keep it all together until things improve.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m feeling pretty confident about the job I interviewed for. They called me to come in tomorrow and meet the boss. That’s a good sign.
I have decided to just give the worry for the car thing to God. Things are going to be fine. If the car has to remain parked while I earn some money, I am living in the right city for that. Portland has the most reliable public transit system in the country. And I can get a bike. So many people get around this town by bike. I could do it. I was wanting to get into better shape anyway this summer. This will motivate me. I can get anywhere I need to go on foot, by bike or by transit. This is not a tragedy, it is an opportunity.
The one lesson I seem to learn over and over again is that things are only bad if I judge them to be so. There is a Buddhist parable that I love that captures what I am talking about:
Perhaps…
Long ago in China there was an old farmer. With the same horse this old farmer had plowed and worked his land for many years when one day his horse suddenly ran away. As news of this reached his neighbors, the old farmer was met with sympathy. Neighbors visited throughout the day saying, “Wow, what bad luck to have your horse run away!”
The old farmer would think for a moment then say softly, “Perhaps…”
The next morning the old farmer awoke to find his horse had returned. With the horse were several wild horses who had apparently followed the horse home. Neighbors rejoiced, visiting the old farmer to express how happy they were for his sudden good fortune.
The old farmer would think for a moment then say softly, “Perhaps…”
Shortly after, the old farmer’s son decided to try to ride one of the wild horses. Climbing on the horses back, the boy knocked the animal hard with his leg shouting for the horse to go. Startled, and probably a little annoyed, the horse flung the boy off its back. The old farmer’s son broke his leg in the fall. Again, neighbors came to offer their sympathies for the misfortune, “What a horrible string of bad luck you’re having!”
The old farmer would think for a moment then say softly, “Perhaps…”
The very next day, military officials came into the village with orders to draft young men into military service. As the went form home to home, rounding up young men, the made their way to the old farmer’s house. Upon seeing the farmer’s son with his broken leg they decided to move on, leaving the boy alone. Once again, neighbors came to share words of congratulations to the old farmer for the good fortune to have his son passed by.
And again, the old farmer would think for a moment then say softly, “Perhaps…”
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There may be a bigger reason that my car issue has arisen.
There is much to be grateful for. Life really can be very simple if we allow it.
Tonight was the last night of dog sitting. I have to go over in the morning and feed/walk her, but we came home tonight and I get to sleep in my own bed, which is very comfortable. We made it home, in the car, which ran perfectly the whole way and we got settled in quickly. We had leftovers for dinner. There isn’t that much food in the house, but we had tasty stuff to eat and there was even some dessert. I transplanted three of my houseplants, which brought me great joy and then I took a shower. On the most basic level I feel that all is right with the world. That is the peace that transcends all understanding.
Tomorrow I’m going to take another step closer to things changing in good ways and tonight I am going to feel gratitude for all the blessings in my life. I’ll stick it together with duct tape to keep it from falling apart if I have to, but I am going to make it. This is life, failure is not an option. It’s like when I was going through a divorce while in law school. For a while, every day I felt like I was going to drown emotionally and collapse physically from exhaustion. So much stress. I made it through that and I will make it through this.
After we made it home tonight I sat down right in front of my kids and without explanation or apology, put my head in my hands and cried. Just cried tears of relief for making it home safely. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. All the stress of the day came to the surface. I let it out. And then I cared for my plants and immediately things improved.
Some days I feel like I am starting to get how the world works.
