Kindness

Kindness

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

~Naomi Shihab Nye

Stormy weather

Right up front I am going to admit that this blog is an emotionally charged reaction to something that just happened. It could become rambling and even irrational if I’m not careful.

I had a friend I was in love with. It’s been a little over a year since I last saw him and that’s been weird…though I did promise him I would not let go and I guess I haven’t. This has tormented me over the past year I will admit. When someone in one week’s time, with no discernible provocation, goes from saying he can’t wait to see you to not wanting to see you ever again, it raises questions. Much like what I went through during the breakup of my last serious relationship, I was left with a lot of questions to which no answer would ever be forthcoming from the other person. It’s a difficult thing to work through.

As I have written previously, there is someone at my office who interests me. He’s smart, seems to have a good sense of humor, is gentle and positive. And he’s cute. He’s a sort of nerdy, video gamer sort. I don’t actually know if or how much he plays video games, he just seems very techie.

Today I started thinking about my old friend and how he didn’t respond to the last e-mail I sent to him. He’s been drifting away for this whole past year, so that’s bound to happen. I text or e-mail him once in a while just to maintain the connection because I want this person in my life even if it is by the thinnest spiritual tether.

I was asking the angels earlier if it is time to give up on my friend and move on, maybe find out more about the guy at work. I think he and I could also be good friends. To get an answer to my question, I decided to send a text to my old friend and say hi, just make the connection, see what happens. I realized he might not respond which would be disappointing, but I could survive. Or he could respond and I would get that jolt of lovesick puppy fever again. I didn’t consider that is also possible he would respond, but in a way that is painful to accept.

That’s what happened. I sent him a text message saying hello and asking how he is doing. The response I got was of the most generic, sounded like he was responding to fan mail variety. It was as if he had erased my number from his phone and now didn’t know who the text was from. Which is totally possible I suppose.

So, that hurt. I’m okay now, but I had a few intensely painful moments a little while ago.

Giving up is not always easy. It might be part of my astrological make up, but giving up feels like defeat and I don’t like it. However, in this case, I feel like the events as they unfolded contained a pretty clear message from the angels. It’s time to bless this one and let him go. And that is what I am going to do. I take a lot of lovely memories with me, so it’s okay. I wish for all his dreams to come true. And I wish I could keep my promise to not let go, but I can’t.

So here I am. Free. My life is falling into place again. I am meeting new people…and some of them are adorable.

All is well in my world.

New day, new lessons

My dreams are haunted lately. In the past week I had two dreams about the guy who broke my heart a couple of years ago. I actually don’t think he broke my heart as much as I broke my own heart in protest of his choices and actions.

The dreams (one was just this morning) were very vivid and very much future oriented. And very, very unsettling. There were a couple of distinct themes. In both dreams he showed up acting as if everything was normal between us, but I knew that he hadn’t seen or spoken to me in over 2 years in spite of my requests to clear the air so I could move on without the burden I was carrying in my heart. In both dreams I was going along for appearances’ sake, but my heart was deeply troubled by the lack of acknowledgment of what had transpired between us.

There is something to be learned from the dreams, I am sure of it. I guess I haven’t really discerned the overall lesson, but I can see a reflection of some of my past behaviors in how I behaved in these two dreams. I have often carried a troubled heart because I’ve seen things that aren’t right and didn’t say anything.

It’s amazing how quickly it is possible to release something if you acknowledge it and let it happen. I had a very brief cry over these dreams, but it felt like a burden lifted from my heart when I acknowledged that I may always wonder in what ways I pushed this person to make a decision that most certainly hurt me and possibly hurt him as well. Healthy relationships do not end that way, so whatever my contribution was, it was energy put into something unhealthy and dark.

I do not know the reason my ex-boyfriend is suddenly in my conscious mind after all this time. On a day-to-day basis he barely exists in my mind anymore. Though I wish nothing but love and blessings on him, he’s now just some guy I had a relationship with a long time ago. There was a time when I lived in fear of the day I could say that about him, but now that it’s here, it’s not so bad. I will always care about what happens to him and I will always wish him love, happiness and true joy. I got there by choosing the path of unconditional love and forgiveness over the path of blame. And after choosing the path that took more work, I am finally at peace.

For several years I asked the universe to show me how to let go, how to love unconditionally, how to forgive. How did I think that was going to happen? These are big lessons and sometimes the universe has to take drastic actions to get our attention when the stakes are that high. Actions like asking us to graciously accept losing our best friend.

In knowing everyone has experienced loss on some level, I am made aware how important it is to be gentle and compassionate with my fellow humans. We’re all dealing with something, and whenever we make life a little easier on another person, we help them carry their burden for a little while as they go on their way. That is why it must be the same response from the same intention whether we are dealing with our most intimate friend or a random stranger.

This is the gift of forgiveness and unconditional love. Beautiful.

At a loss

Sometimes people talk about how life changes in the blink of an eye and how we should appreciate everyone and everything in our lives because it could all be lost suddenly.  I get that, especially in the case of losing someone suddenly and unexpectedly.  Twelve years ago I experienced that when my sister died.

I’m going to get this out and then try to redirect my thoughts because dwelling on things like loss can set a person up to experience more loss and I truly wish to turn things around and experience abundance and joy, not loss and grief.

I’ll start by saying that something happened last night to trigger the way I am feeling, although I take full responsibility for all of the thoughts that I have been entertaining that have hurt so badly.  I wish I knew why I have to beat myself up emotionally or find someone to do it for me, but I see a pattern here.

This is very likely the dark before the dawn and I suspect that’s why it’s so painful.

I have been looking back over my life and wondering why I would have signed up for this particular assignment.  I believe in reincarnation and I lean towards the belief that we decide before we incarnate what lessons we will learn and which people we will be close to.

My life thus far has been a huge challenge.  Just surviving childhood felt like a miracle.  However, surviving is one thing, learning the lessons required for course correction is another thing entirely.  That is what is bringing me so much pain right now.

Perhaps I’m trying too hard.  It wouldn’t be the first time, but I cannot seem to unlock the lessons that will completely set me free from my past.  I’ll give myself a bit of credit and say that I feel like I have put many things behind me, like the abusive situation I grew up in.  But is it really behind me if I continue to manifest situations and people who support my apparent belief that I am worthless and must be punished?

This blog is my catharsis and I hope nobody is put off by my honesty here.  I don’t really have any people in my life right now other than my kids so I don’t have very many places to unload my thoughts and I don’t talk to anyone.  My life has never been so devoid of friends and yet, I think this is meant to happen this way and I am willing to see how it unfolds.  That is not to say that I feel bleak about the future or I think it’s going to stay like this.  It’s not like that at all.  I see a future filled with friends and people, but right now I have to do this.

One of the analogies that pops into my mind about all of this is an example from the Bible.  The one where Jesus is in the garden the night before his crucifixion and he is praying and asking God to remove this cup, but that he will drink from the cup if it is God’s will.  This symbolism applies to anyone who is facing something difficult that they are not sure they have the strength to endure.  I have felt this way a lot in my life.  When life hands us challenges, we are asked to take them on and to essentially crucify the person we used to be so that the person we are supposed to become can be resurrected.

The reason I have been having a hard time is because the old me and my old life is dying.  It’s okay, I had lessons to learn and I am looking forward to whatever is next in my life.  Sometimes though, I look back over my life and see that there has been a lot of loss and sadness for someone my age.  My whole life has been filled with it whereas I know people not much younger than me who have never lost anyone close and haven’t had too many things go dreadfully wrong in life.  It boggles my mind sometimes.

There are a couple of things I need to remember.  One is that nothing is permanent, not even suffering.  And that love is eternal.  People come and go, things come and go, but the love we experience never goes away.  That is why at the end of the day, love is the only thing that matters.  My purpose is to love, to give it and receive it and do my best to keep it flowing.  As long as I am doing that, none of the other things I worry about matter at all.

And with that, I am going to go get my hair cut so I can look presentable for the interview tomorrow.  Wish me luck!