12 things I learned (or learned again) in 2012

It’s pretty hard for me to pass up an opportunity to share what life has taught me. 2012 was good that way. Being the lesson whore I am, I’ve put together a list of things to share–some lovely, some humorous, some exhausting, and some excruciating. But hey, it’s my life and the important thing is, I’d rather be me than anyone else. So here are a few things I learned:

1. If someone is determined to make you the embodiment of their fears and insecurities, there is nothing you can do about it. Walk away, you’ll be better off.

2. The times they are a changin’, in America. The 2012 political season totally underscored my belief in a cosmic paradigm shift. The 2012 election season demonstrated nothing less than a miraculous leap in consciousness in America. Conversations long overdue happened on issues that will take us miles from our blinders on, capitalistic nightmare. It’s like we’ve finally awakened from the American Dream and now we can do something about it.

3. It’s possible to fall in love with someone you’ve never met in person. That was a new one for me. I’m a pretty hard sell on the romantic thing, but it happened to me in 2012 and though it’s but a memory now, I’m glad it happened.

4. If you stay present and keep going, things will get better, you will make progress, no matter what life is dishing out.

5. Most days of my life are awesome. Most days I feel like Hello Kitty incarnate, like I may have been a My Little Pony or a Care Bear in a former life. It’s hard to explain, but it feels pretty good and if you met me, you’d totally know.

6. It really is possible to let go of romantic ideals and love someone unconditionally, even when a little piece of you will always wonder “what if … ?” P.S. It doesn’t have to hurt.

7.  Referring to people with fewer material resources as less fortunate is the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever heard. Anyone who needs to make comparisons between our relative levels of fortune based on how much stuff we have is truly the least fortunate person of all.

8. If everyone read, understood, and practiced the principles in the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, the world would be an easier place to be.

9. Whenever I feel lonely or inclined to strive toward a particular type of relationship (e.g. romantic), what I am really looking for is a closer relationship with the Divine. I seem to learn that one over and over.

10. There are a few things that can make everything better. They’re different for each of us. For me, it’s meditation, bubble baths, writing, and laughing. (I hope you figure out yours and do them often in 2013)

11. Happiness is only available in the now moments. Happiness is for the taking, postponing it in anticipation of some future event is a mistake.

12. Unconditional love can fix any situation, period, end of story.

There are a few other things I learned that were slightly less profound, like how awesome iPhone cameras can be and how great it is to have a cat again, but what really matters is, all things considered, 2012 was challenging in a good way and in important ways, things went more smoothly for me and my family than they have in several years. And for that I am truly grateful.

 

A touch of grace

Why are we humans so attached to our problems? I suppose it could just be me, but even with all the spiritual self-discipline I have at times, sometimes I still struggle and grapple with a problem until it’s too painful to handle anymore before I will let go.

The thing about letting go is, even though it usually happens while one is at the edge of the pit of despair, the relief is immediate and palpable.

I had a particularly emotionally difficult night a couple of nights ago. So many things coming at me from multiple directions. Way more than I could process and expect to sleep at all before work. By the time I got home, less than 4 hours before I was supposed to be at work, I was freezing from walking outside for a couple of hours and my heart was heavy. I got into bed trying to warm up, but lay shivering for some time. As I was lying there hoping to settle down enough to go to sleep, I experienced a moment of grace.

My thoughts were racing from an earlier interaction with a friend that caught me off guard. I was crying. And I realized that, with regard to the particular situation that was troubling me, I have no answers anymore. It needed to be turned over to God. Trying to figure it out, which is something I have been putting effort into for far longer than just recently, causes distress.

When I reached the end of my rope, I prayed…in the name of Jesus, something I haven’t done in a long time because I am no longer a member of a church and I don’t consider myself a Christian by the standard definition. What happened was a small miracle. It was after 3 a.m. and I get up for work at 6 a.m. I was tearful and cold and felt very alone. It was one of those situations where I could have lain awake for hours, but knew I needed at least a little sleep to be able to do my job. So I simply said: I am out of answers, this situation requires grace, not obsessive worry. Jesus, please take this burden from my heart so I can rest a few hours before work. Then I fell asleep.

It was amazing because the effect was immediate. I said the prayer, closed my eyes and went to sleep instantly. I don’t fall asleep that easily on a normal day when everything is good. I’ve always had trouble shutting my mind off. I feel tremendous gratitude for this miracle.

Two very big lessons came to me from this experience.

The first is that even though it can feel uncomfortable, that dark place, the place of despair where you’ve run out of ideas, that’s not a bad place…unless you stay there spinning your wheels. That moment is the moment of grace, if you are willing to receive it. If you are willing to truly let things go and put no more energy into struggling. It’s really quite beautiful.

The other insight I gained from the experience is just because I am not a Christian by other people’s standards does not mean that I am no longer allowed to call upon the name of Jesus. That is a relationship nobody can take from me and I should never have given it up voluntarily.

Because of my understanding of religion and metaphor, it should have been clear to me that the name of Jesus does not belong to anyone exclusively. Jesus belongs to anyone who anyone who wants to connect with him.

In the truly difficult moments I am always somehow reminded that I am not alone. For this I am eternally grateful.

Namaste.

Reboot

Once again I find myself needing to post something just to keep my commitment to posting. It’s not that there’s nothing going on, it’s that I haven’t been taking much time to think about things. I’ve been distracting myself instead. Thankfully the holidays create distraction.

I’ve chosen distraction because, in my opinion, it is preferable to dwelling on things I have no control over. If I indulge too much in that activity, I quickly start spinning my wheels. To allow my mind to obsess over something that belongs in the hands of God, is a waste of my energy. There are a lot of other things in my life that deserve my attention more than the things I don’t like, those things I wish to surrender to the universe.

There is a glimmer of hope in my romantic life. Not with regard to one specific person, the whole process just feels better now. I’ve connected with a few nice guys, gone out a few times with a couple of them, and it’s been okay. No disasters, not even in the comic sense. I haven’t found one yet that I’d be interested in having a relationship with, but it’s okay that it’s taking some time. I want it to be right when it happens. I am going out next week with a guy who has so many quirky things in common with me that the prospect of meeting him makes me feel happy. He’s also very good-looking. That makes me happy…for obvious reasons. Hopefully he’s also a good person. I guess we’ll find out.

I’m hoping for small, manageable changes in my life. Just a little forward movement in the dating world, and maybe a bit more than that in the career world. I’m sorta playing life like a very important chess game right now. Slow and deliberate. Ya know?

For the past couple of weeks I have abandoned almost every comforting ritual in my life. I pray, but not nearly as often as I have at times; I haven’t been meditating often enough; I have stopped reading and writing. I’m never sure why I do this when life feels stressful, but that’s what happens. I’ve taken the giant step of forgiving myself for it. I have finally stopped adding guilt to everything I do or fail to do. It makes the difficult times go by more smoothly.

Tonight I will spend some time returning to my best beliefs–blessing all creatures, entertaining lovely thoughts, and restoring that heart connection with all that is good and right.

What a blessing it is for all of us that the Source is always available when we wish to tap into it.

Keeping the faith…it’s here somewhere

Last night I wrote a post about faith and willingness. This morning I feel like I need to follow that up and explain a little about how faith works in my life.

I am not one of those people who goes through life with rock solid faith. Faith for me is a process that must be worked at constantly. Because of the way it works in my life, I have always been curious about those people who seem to be able to exercise their faith unwaveringly in the darkest moments. I am not sure if those people actually have the same kinds of struggles and doubts that I and many other people seem to experience. If they do, they sure aren’t telling anyone.

There’s no right or wrong way to have faith. And maybe the difference between me and people whose faith seems so readily available to them is one of organization. Maybe it’s like the person with the neat and tidy desk who, when asked for something, finds it effortlessly in their beautiful and pristine workspace. My faith is under one of the many piles of very important stuff on my spiritual desk. It’s there and I can find it, it’s just gonna take me a minute…and it might have a coffee cup ring on it

Those who know me know I aspire to be a spiritual guru of sorts. Not because I think I have all the answers. Each person has the answers to their own questions, I just want to help people look. Kinda like when you lose your car keys. I want to be the person who reminds you to look in the pocket of the pants you wore yesterday, not the one who points out that if you had a better system and were more organized you wouldn’t have these issues. I’m not sure where in the world of spiritual gurus there is room for one such as me, but I hope to find my place.

Perhaps someday I will be one of those people who never seems to struggle and can use my spiritual tools proactively to create a beautiful stress-free life for myself and my family. Until then, I’ll be writing about my miracles as I recognize them, often in retrospect, and looking for my faith…the way I look for my glasses when I am already wearing them.

 

 

Grief or self-pity?

Sometimes the events of life are difficult to put in perspective. There are moments of sadness, grief, and pain. It doesn’t have to be the death of a loved one, it can be anything that produces a profound sense of disappointment or loss. There are many legitimate reasons to grieve. But grief can be a very lonely and isolating experience.

I’ve been wondering lately about the line between grief and self-pity and how to know when I have crossed it.

I was a sensitive kid who grew into a sensitive adult. I wish to experience a world where everyone loves and accepts each other. Experiencing the cruelty of the world with greed, hatred, intolerance, and injustice being the things on the minds of most people has been difficult for me. This and feelings of disappointment at my perceived failures have recently caused me sadness and grief.

In a way, feelings of grief have been a part of my life as far back as I can remember. This is why I have worked toward letting go of so much past baggage. It’s in putting those things to rest that I am able to experience joy.

My familiarity with grief goes back to a childhood marked by cruelty that was complicated by an inability to understand how people (my parents) could harbor so much rage and hate that they would harm their own child. It never made any sense to me.

Whenever I witness cruelty toward people or animals it makes me sad.

This brings me to the fundamental thing that perplexes me about people in general. In my mind we are not called to do anything impossible or even monumentally difficult as human beings. We are supposed to love, forgive, and accept each other because that is what we all want for ourselves. Jesus said there are basically two commandments, Love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength; and love your neighbor as yourself. That’s it. Doing those two things fulfills the entirety of the law.

Why is it so hard for us to forgive each other and just accept our fellow humans? When we are able to do this on a grand scale, none of the other ills of the world will exist. It won’t be possible. Love dissolves evil. If we are able to develop unconditional love in ourselves individually, we contribute to the future possibility of a perfect world.

I recently figured out that while grief can be a slippery slope into self-pity, it’s really only a problem when it’s impossible to recognize goodness or have gratitude.

While I was researching the difference between grief and self-pity, I came upon some websites for people whose children have died. I’m a bit more familiar with the topic than I wish I was, but it caused me to pause and remember that right now, regardless of what I would change about my life if I could, my children, the greatest joys of my life, are happy and healthy. They feel good about themselves, they are well cared for, and they know they are loved. Not everybody can say that. I am blessed.

So I realize that what I have been feeling is grief. A momentary sadness and disappointment with my actual life compared to the expectations I had for myself. It’s normal and it doesn’t define me. I thought my career was going a certain direction, but it seems to be taking a detour. I also did not expect to find myself alone at this point in my life, especially after finding my soul mate. My version of my life story is different than I have seen it play out. It’s okay, it presents me with a question so profound that it is the very basis of my personal philosophy: Whatcha gonna do? We can’t give up just because things aren’t going the way we thought they would go. It’s the point at which this question presents itself that we decide whether to let grief turn into self-pity. The answer to that one question is our response to life.

I’m looking forward to things getting better. As they do, I hope to find the beauty in as many moments as possible.

May all creatures have peace, love, and ease of well-being. This is my true wish.

Perceive the divine mystery

“Love the animals, love the plants, love everything. If you love everything, you will perceive the divine mystery in things. Once you perceive it, you will begin to comprehend it better every day. And you will come at last to love the whole world with an all-embracing love.” ~Fyodor Dostoyevsky

 

Serendipity is one of my favorite things.

After I dropped my daughter off at school this morning I was thinking of how much I love people…and animals…and trees…and so many other things. And I was thinking that the reason I am able to feel the way I do most of the time is because I am paying attention, looking for the divine in everyone and everything.

On my way home from my daughter’s school I stopped by the grocery store. It’s one of the best places to see cute babies and little kids.

This morning I saw an adorable little boy sitting in a shopping cart. He was probably 2 or 3. His dad was busy with a shopping list and the little guy was lifting a loaf of bread up and over his head, showing what a big, strong boy he is. When he put the bread down he told his dad, “Whew, that was heavy.” Dad was not really paying attention and just sorta mumbled an affirmation about the bread being heavy. I wish that dad would have been paying attention! It was a precious sight and though I’m sure this little guy provides his parents with much joy and many moments just as sweet, his dad missed this one. I guess the good thing is that I, a complete stranger, did not miss it. It made me smile and remember when my kids were that small and how much I loved their antics.

So I went on my way and finished up at the store, happy, still thinking about how delightful people can be. Then on my way out I saw a dog who was walking over to his owner, carrying his own leash in his mouth. Adorable! It was possibly a Golden Retriever, but his coat was a little reddish like he might have Irish Setter or some other breed as well. He was just a big old happy dog, the kind who looks like he doesn’t have a care in the world. I really liked him.

I know I say it frequently, but life is really beautiful…if you’re paying attention. The two encounters I had this morning brought so much joy to my morning that I would not have experienced if I were not present and paying attention. It’s not like I don’t have other stuff to worry about right now, I do, but if I dwell there, I will miss the beauty that is life. And it is truly glorious.

After I got home, I found the above quote on Facebook. Well put, Dostoyevsky. I was thinking the exact same thing…though perhaps ever so slightly less eloquently.

Seek first

Today I am praying for God to protect the people of the east coast of the United States. I have friends there and I give thanks for their continued safety during the hurricane.

Melancholy pervades my existence these days. I feel very much alone and adrift. And I’m being what I wish was realistic with myself, but is probably more like harsh and judgmental.

My life looks nothing like I thought it would at this point and there are times when I cannot help but feel a profound sense of disappointment in myself. I have accomplished more than I ever dreamed of in some areas, but there are things that I thought would fall into place that haven’t and most of the major areas of my life have been affected.

All of this started about 5 years ago, but things really fell apart a couple of years ago. And while I feel like I have made important progress, it feels like there is still so much left to do to clean up the aftermath of the hurricane of events that blew through my life, leveling everything I had been building for years. Everything I thought was important was lost. My relationship with my family, my best friend, the job I loved, and any sense of financial security I may have had. All gone, all about the same time, early 2009.

Every once in a while I look at my life and can’t see the sense in it. Those are the moments it is most painful to be me. I have been experiencing many of those the past few days.

Much of what I have been going through this week likely results from being tired. I’ve been staying up way too late and going to work on very few hours of sleep. When I try to function in this way, every area of my life suffers, most notably my perspective.

When I look at my life, I am not at the top of my professional success. I do not believe it is impossible for me to be again, but I still have to figure out exactly what that means to me.

What has all the pain and struggle gotten me? A heart of pure compassionate gold. What some consider life’s greatest treasure. Sometimes it is hard to appreciate the gifts of the spirit when I am busy using them.

I may not have achieved perfect professional or financial success, but how much does that really define who I am or why I am here?

What do I have that I can share with people? Goodness. My heart.

I am one of those people who spends a good deal of time praying for other people. I pray constantly, all day every day. I use the majority of my time and energy blessing people and making divine requests on behalf of those in need of grace. I wish for all beings to have peace and wellness.

People who know me ask me to pray for them when they are facing challenges. Many of my friends have expressed a high level of confidence in the effectiveness of my thoughts and prayers. It seems as if I am regarded as one who is close to God. And in my truest and best moments I am. I have been close to God my entire life though I have understood the concept many different ways over the years. When I put together all of the ideas I have had about God in my entire life, it forms a beautiful mosaic of thought. The very few conclusions I have come to have produced a kind and gentle nature that I will never live to regret.

I have worked at this relationship and it has produced great things.

³² For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. ³³ But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.³⁴ “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. –Matthew 6:32-34 (New American Standard Bible)

If this passage from the Bible is true, all I have to do is stay focused on everything that is good, right, just and loving. Everything else will fall into place on its own. There are moments when I know this as surely as I know anything. Other times I have to remind myself, hence blog posts such as this one.

Wishing for angel protection for those in the path of the hurricane, literally or symbolically.

Stormy weather

Right up front I am going to admit that this blog is an emotionally charged reaction to something that just happened. It could become rambling and even irrational if I’m not careful.

I had a friend I was in love with. It’s been a little over a year since I last saw him and that’s been weird…though I did promise him I would not let go and I guess I haven’t. This has tormented me over the past year I will admit. When someone in one week’s time, with no discernible provocation, goes from saying he can’t wait to see you to not wanting to see you ever again, it raises questions. Much like what I went through during the breakup of my last serious relationship, I was left with a lot of questions to which no answer would ever be forthcoming from the other person. It’s a difficult thing to work through.

As I have written previously, there is someone at my office who interests me. He’s smart, seems to have a good sense of humor, is gentle and positive. And he’s cute. He’s a sort of nerdy, video gamer sort. I don’t actually know if or how much he plays video games, he just seems very techie.

Today I started thinking about my old friend and how he didn’t respond to the last e-mail I sent to him. He’s been drifting away for this whole past year, so that’s bound to happen. I text or e-mail him once in a while just to maintain the connection because I want this person in my life even if it is by the thinnest spiritual tether.

I was asking the angels earlier if it is time to give up on my friend and move on, maybe find out more about the guy at work. I think he and I could also be good friends. To get an answer to my question, I decided to send a text to my old friend and say hi, just make the connection, see what happens. I realized he might not respond which would be disappointing, but I could survive. Or he could respond and I would get that jolt of lovesick puppy fever again. I didn’t consider that is also possible he would respond, but in a way that is painful to accept.

That’s what happened. I sent him a text message saying hello and asking how he is doing. The response I got was of the most generic, sounded like he was responding to fan mail variety. It was as if he had erased my number from his phone and now didn’t know who the text was from. Which is totally possible I suppose.

So, that hurt. I’m okay now, but I had a few intensely painful moments a little while ago.

Giving up is not always easy. It might be part of my astrological make up, but giving up feels like defeat and I don’t like it. However, in this case, I feel like the events as they unfolded contained a pretty clear message from the angels. It’s time to bless this one and let him go. And that is what I am going to do. I take a lot of lovely memories with me, so it’s okay. I wish for all his dreams to come true. And I wish I could keep my promise to not let go, but I can’t.

So here I am. Free. My life is falling into place again. I am meeting new people…and some of them are adorable.

All is well in my world.

Thinking about stuff

Though I am getting better every day, sometimes it is so clear to me that I can be my own worst enemy. This is behavior I seek to be aware of so I can change it. It’s getting easier to see when I’m doing it at least. That’s helpful.

The thing to remember is that nothing outside of this moment really exists. Now is the only time that is ever real. Before we’ve had time to analyze a situation and declare it good or bad. The moment the information arrives. The past has our spin on what we remember and the future has our projections. The reason life goes the direction it is going is directly connected to the declarations we make about events of the past. That has been my experience anyway. The more aware I become, the easier it is to see the connection.

So it seems to me that being fully present in the moment as much as possible, relieving oneself of the burdens of the past gives us the power to influence the future. The less time we spend reliving the past, the faster we will achieve our dreams.

That is one of the reasons I have been laying down some of my burdens in this blog. It’s been therapeutic and I have seen a lot of positive change in my life as a result. As I move forward, I am trying to make a solid commitment to writing no matter what kind of mood I’m in. I need to stop worrying so much about alienating people. This is my story. There is no wrong way for me to tell it as long as I am kind and gentle about it. It’s taken me a lot of work to cultivate my current mindset. If there is one thing I can trust about myself, it’s my ability to communicate a message lovingly and with as little judgment as possible.

My goal is to continue to see when I am treating myself poorly and correct that when it happens. Even when I make a bad decision, the moment that decision is made, it’s in the past. Worrying and beating myself up for it is not helpful. Being in the now means working with the information I have at any given time without adding anything to it. If I look at things dispassionately as cause and effect, it should be easier to identify what’s not working and correct it. The only time the truth is hard to face is when we attach to the facts emotions which may or may not be relevant.

I am ready to be honest with myself about some things. Not sure how much of it will end up in this blog, but it’s time to put a few more things to rest. The past is over, none of that can hurt me anymore if I choose to look at it with mindful awareness and let it go. From here on out, if I am hurting, I need to look at myself and find out what kinds of lies I am telling myself that are making me feel badly about myself. Nothing can hurt me without my permission. I choose what hurts me and what doesn’t. If I made the rule I can break it. (Note: I’m not feeling hurt or anything right now, this is just a general insight and knowledge of the power of choice.)

I think it’s a good idea to ask oneself regularly What am I doing and why am I doing it?  Any behavior you want to get rid of will eventually give way to those two questions. I break habits all the time with this thinking. I have a tremendous amount of will power and I am a very determined person. As I grow in awareness I will increase my ability to influence my future in the direction I wish for it to unfold. The more I trust my gut the less work my brain has to do. I can trust my intuition to lead me correctly because I know where my heart is at. I don’t have to fret and fuss trying to figure things out. I know I am guided by a higher intelligence that, when welcomed, rains down blessings upon us all.

It is possible to stop being your own worst enemy. When you bring awareness to your life you take control of your destiny. It’s a process, but one that’s worth the effort.

Sometimes it seems like this entire experience on earth is between me and God and nobody else. And I suppose on some level that is true. It really does bring a sense of peace when I realize the only one I can ever need to apologize to is God and that is to say, my own higher nature. I’m the only one I really have to deal with in this lifetime. This is good news because I am a challenge. I take up a lot of my energy.

Learning how to make myself feel better about things is the greatest skill I have cultivated in the past few years. I spent so much of my life worried and anxious and now I am free. All it took was awareness and a willingness to see the bigger picture. Life is never as complicated as we try to make it. This is very comforting for me when I am sorting through the mind garbage and deciding what to throw out.

And I must remember, there are angels who love to help. Angels see us as we truly are and they love the beauty they find in us. I have definitely felt the presence of angels in my life, though I couldn’t prove their existence in a court of law. More and more they feel like my companions on this journey. The more easily I remember that, the more peace I have in my life.

All of this is unfolding as it should.

McGyver

Sometimes my life feels like that tv show McGyver.  Though I have never actually watched it, the premise as I understand it is a guy who gets himself out of impossible situations with gum and a paperclip.  It’s a very good analogy for the way things look in my life right now.

My car may need expensive repairs very soon.  This saddens me because I do not know how that is going to unfold.  My car has been so good to me.  For some reason I get attached to certain things I own.  My car is always on that list.  And it doesn’t matter at all how good or bad the car looks or runs, I just have such gratitude for having a way to get around quickly, that I develop kind feelings toward my car.  I felt the same way about my Mac laptop that got me through law school. I like dependable things.  And my current car has been very dependable.  And I haven’t taken as good of care of it as I would have liked to.  There has been so much going on in my world that I am doing everything I can to just patch the holes, put out the fires and keep it all together until things improve.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I’m feeling pretty confident about the job I interviewed for.  They called me to come in tomorrow and meet the boss.  That’s a good sign.

I have decided to just give the worry for the car thing to God.  Things are going to be fine. If the car has to remain parked while I earn some money, I am living in the right city for that.  Portland has the most reliable public transit system in the country.  And I can get a bike.  So many people get around this town by bike.  I could do it.  I was wanting to get into better shape anyway this summer.  This will motivate me.  I can get anywhere I need to go on foot, by bike or by transit.  This is not a tragedy, it is an opportunity.

The one lesson I seem to learn over and over again is that things are only bad if I judge them to be so.  There is a Buddhist parable that I love that captures what I am talking about:

Perhaps…

Long ago in China there was an old farmer. With the same horse this old farmer had plowed and worked his land for many years when one day his horse suddenly ran away. As news of this reached his neighbors, the old farmer was met with sympathy. Neighbors visited throughout the day saying, “Wow, what bad luck to have your horse run away!”

The old farmer would think for a moment then say softly, “Perhaps…”

The next morning the old farmer awoke to find his horse had returned. With the horse were several wild horses who had apparently followed the horse home. Neighbors rejoiced, visiting the old farmer to express how happy they were for his sudden good fortune.

The old farmer would think for a moment then say softly, “Perhaps…”

Shortly after, the old farmer’s son decided to try to ride one of the wild horses. Climbing on the horses back, the boy knocked the animal hard with his leg shouting for the horse to go. Startled, and probably a little annoyed, the horse flung the boy off its back. The old farmer’s son broke his leg in the fall. Again, neighbors came to offer their sympathies for the misfortune, “What a horrible string of bad luck you’re having!”

The old farmer would think for a moment then say softly, “Perhaps…”

The very next day, military officials came into the village with orders to draft young men into military service. As the went form home to home, rounding up young men, the made their way to the old farmer’s house. Upon seeing the farmer’s son with his broken leg they decided to move on, leaving the boy alone. Once again, neighbors came to share words of congratulations to the old farmer for the good fortune to have his son passed by.

And again, the old farmer would think for a moment then say softly, “Perhaps…”

*************************************************************************

There may be a bigger reason that my car issue has arisen.

There is much to be grateful for.  Life really can be very simple if we allow it.

Tonight was the last night of dog sitting.  I have to go over in the morning and feed/walk her, but we came home tonight and I get to sleep in my own bed, which is very comfortable.  We made it home, in the car, which ran perfectly the whole way and we got settled in quickly.  We had leftovers for dinner.  There isn’t that much food in the house, but we had tasty stuff to eat and there was even some dessert.  I transplanted three of my houseplants, which brought me great joy and then I took a shower.  On the most basic level I feel that all is right with the world.  That is the peace that transcends all understanding.

Tomorrow I’m going to take another step closer to things changing in good ways and tonight I am going to feel gratitude for all the blessings in my life.  I’ll stick it together with duct tape to keep it from falling apart if I have to, but I am going to make it.  This is life, failure is not an option.  It’s like when I was going through a divorce while in law school.  For a while, every day I felt like I was going to drown emotionally and collapse physically from exhaustion.  So much stress.  I made it through that and I will make it through this.

After we made it home tonight I sat down right in front of my kids and without explanation or apology, put my head in my hands and cried.  Just cried tears of relief for making it home safely.  I couldn’t hold it in any longer.  All the stress of the day came to the surface.  I let it out.  And then I cared for my plants and immediately things improved.

Some days I feel like I am starting to get how the world works.