The Tao of Motherhood

I regularly contemplate impermanence and non-attachment. They are two of my favorite spiritual concepts.

Life is like a classroom with only one course, letting go. Where every day is a school day, and when school is out, it’s out for good.

Every day we have to let go of all kinds of stuff, big and small.

There is someone in my life for whom I care a great deal. Recently I learned that it’s possible I will rarely if ever see him again. Though it’s so hard to know why some people show up in our lives and immediately become important, he is one of those people for me. We have an amazing connection that actually grows stronger with fewer words. It’s one of the most lovely relationships I’ve ever been a part of.

So I’m facing what could be perceived as a huge loss. And I’ll be truthful, the news hit me pretty hard. I was at my job doing semi-complicated tax work when I found out, and it made me cry…at my job…ugh.

Since then I have come to give thanks for the changing nature of this relationship and the beautiful ways it has developed over time. It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s been very genuine, open, and loving. I welcome whatever is next.

It was as my mind and heart began to let go of this person I love that I realized that most of my strength and flexibility comes from being a mom. In no other relationship are we so entwined with another person with whom we do not get to live our entire lives. As mothers we are asked to care about another person as much or more than we care about ourselves and to put their needs before our own. And we do it willingly, out of pure love. And also out of pure love, when it comes time for independence, we let go, ever so gently.

Done properly, there is no more beautiful relationship than the one between a mother and child.

Kids don’t come into the world to learn, they are here to teach us. They are here to show us who we really are and what we are capable of. They help us become more enlightened.

I will never regret having children. They have softened my spirit and brought out the most beautiful parts of my personality for the benefit of the entire universe.

I’m so grateful.

Expectations

“When one’s expectations are reduced to zero, one really appreciates everything one does have.” ~Stephen Hawking

Expectation is not our friend. It is impossible to love unconditionally and have any expectations of other people’s behavior. That’s why I believe that one of the keys to happiness is looking closely at one’s beliefs about things and rooting out qualifiers and expectations. It’s the ability to let go. Few things bring greater peace and joy to life than the ability to let go of expectations, of people, and of things. Non-attachment is one of the great keys to enlightenment.

Disappointment is the best way to identify attachments and expectations. We can all recognize that feeling because we have all felt it at some point. If you really embrace and examine feelings of disappointment, no matter how painful, you will mine spiritual gold from the insights. Because once you identify an attachment, only then does it become possible to release it.

One of the hardest areas for me to let go at times is romantic feelings. Actually, I’ve let go pretty easily in all but two situations my whole life, and those two relationships, back to back, rocked my world. So they definitely have value in showing me what makes me want to be attached to another person. It makes me look at both myself and the other person. And I think that’s good.

Sometimes the universe asks us to let go of the same person over and over. In the deepest part of my soul I believe when that happens, it is the continuation of something that has been going on for lifetimes beyond this one. When a person drifts in and out of your life repeatedly over the years and yet, there is nothing but love, no matter how much time passes, that is a person you know beyond the five senses. It’s pretty hard to deny.

In situations like these I like to rely on what some might consider magical or fanciful thinking, but it brings me comfort, so I’m not gonna knock it. It is truly the hope that lies in the pattern of separation and reconciliation that keeps me going. The hope that because we have done this so many times, we will continue doing it until we get it right.

All who meet will one day meet again until their relationship becomes holy. ~A Course in Miracles

The challenge of loving a person unconditionally is a big one. Try to accept a person, any person, exactly as they are without needing them to change a single thing. While you will find it’s harder with some than with others, in the easiest case it still takes a ton of self-discipline. Yet, every victory of the heart to love unconditionally is the most beautiful gift to the universe. And because I believe that God or the universe or whatever anyone wants to call it has blessed all of us so completely and amazingly, I believe it deserves the very best we have to offer as humans. And our very best comes from our hearts and minds, not from anything external.

This line of thinking brings me back to the concept of impermanence and what a lovely gift that is. It tells us that nothing goes on forever, so in the moments that hurt, we can have hope; in the joyous moments we can have deep gratitude. It’s all in how we choose to look at things.

Sometimes we learn to live a life free of expectations after great losses. That’s where I am coming from. When things go spectacularly wrong in life, if you are aware and able to stand back and observe your own life, you can see the hand of God at work.

The hard times have been hard the past couple of years, I can’t deny that, but what I have gained in patience and equanimity cannot be acquired by other means. I have no regrets…and very few expectations.

Letting go is the best feeling on earth.

Be at peace.

 

Walk on

I think nearly every person has a certain album or song that helps them through heartbreak. The past few breakups for me have been scored by a U2 cd, All That You Can’t Leave Behind. There is a song called Walk On that resonates with me on so many levels. Tonight I started thinking about walking away and how to know when it’s time to do that in life.

Recently I seem to be obsessed with the concept of forgiveness. The universe is raising this issue all over my world, so I must pay attention.

One thing that inevitably comes up with regard to forgiveness is that it is one thing to forgive, it is another thing entirely to continue to subject oneself to the unskillful acts of people who lack sufficient awareness to get through life without hurting people.

“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” ~Maya Angelou

Isn’t that really true of all of us? It must be so. That makes the forgiveness part a lot easier.

It does not, however, assist at all in helping one determine when it is time to cut the ties and move on. In fact, it mucks up the entire decision-making process with hope. Hope that a person will learn and grow and stop behaving in ways that are harmful. But at some point one has to weigh the cost against the benefit of having certain people in our lives. Sometimes it takes years to throw in the towel, sometimes minutes. Depends on the person.

There are a couple of people in my life whose actions have me looking for the graceful exit. One I have known a few years, the other a few weeks. One has hurt me over and over to the point where I cannot trust her. The other is showing his capacity for forgiveness may be pretty shallow. I’m thinking very seriously of blessing each of these people and sending them on their way.

Not being able to trust someone doesn’t mean you don’t forgive them, it just means they have breached a fundamental principle of friendship. In this case, repeatedly. With no hint of growth in 5 years. I think I have waited long enough.

The other is someone I recently started spending time with. It felt like his entire demeanor toward me after I made a non-malicious mistake without intent to harm. If he can’t forgive that, then there’s not much of a point continuing because I make mistakes, I do. I’m human and I’m doing my best. And yet I feel very clumsy sometimes. But I am honest about my shortcomings and I take responsibility for my actions. If under those circumstances he can’t forgive me, then he’s never going to be able to forgive the other stuff I’m bound to do wrong later. Maybe it’s time to move on. Of course I could be wrong, but who knows?

Letting go with love in 2012. That’s the theme for this new year.

I lost someone dear to suicide on New Year’s day…sometimes we have a say in who’s in our lives, sometimes we don’t.

Here’s to making the right choices when we have them.

Stormy weather

Right up front I am going to admit that this blog is an emotionally charged reaction to something that just happened. It could become rambling and even irrational if I’m not careful.

I had a friend I was in love with. It’s been a little over a year since I last saw him and that’s been weird…though I did promise him I would not let go and I guess I haven’t. This has tormented me over the past year I will admit. When someone in one week’s time, with no discernible provocation, goes from saying he can’t wait to see you to not wanting to see you ever again, it raises questions. Much like what I went through during the breakup of my last serious relationship, I was left with a lot of questions to which no answer would ever be forthcoming from the other person. It’s a difficult thing to work through.

As I have written previously, there is someone at my office who interests me. He’s smart, seems to have a good sense of humor, is gentle and positive. And he’s cute. He’s a sort of nerdy, video gamer sort. I don’t actually know if or how much he plays video games, he just seems very techie.

Today I started thinking about my old friend and how he didn’t respond to the last e-mail I sent to him. He’s been drifting away for this whole past year, so that’s bound to happen. I text or e-mail him once in a while just to maintain the connection because I want this person in my life even if it is by the thinnest spiritual tether.

I was asking the angels earlier if it is time to give up on my friend and move on, maybe find out more about the guy at work. I think he and I could also be good friends. To get an answer to my question, I decided to send a text to my old friend and say hi, just make the connection, see what happens. I realized he might not respond which would be disappointing, but I could survive. Or he could respond and I would get that jolt of lovesick puppy fever again. I didn’t consider that is also possible he would respond, but in a way that is painful to accept.

That’s what happened. I sent him a text message saying hello and asking how he is doing. The response I got was of the most generic, sounded like he was responding to fan mail variety. It was as if he had erased my number from his phone and now didn’t know who the text was from. Which is totally possible I suppose.

So, that hurt. I’m okay now, but I had a few intensely painful moments a little while ago.

Giving up is not always easy. It might be part of my astrological make up, but giving up feels like defeat and I don’t like it. However, in this case, I feel like the events as they unfolded contained a pretty clear message from the angels. It’s time to bless this one and let him go. And that is what I am going to do. I take a lot of lovely memories with me, so it’s okay. I wish for all his dreams to come true. And I wish I could keep my promise to not let go, but I can’t.

So here I am. Free. My life is falling into place again. I am meeting new people…and some of them are adorable.

All is well in my world.

Letting go of the wheel

How many times does one person have to learn the same lessons? Maybe letting go is one of those things you have to do all of your life. Personally, I’m getting tired of the struggle-realize I’m struggling-let go cycle I seem to repeat so often. Only there’s a step I left out. After I realize I am struggling, I usually have to struggle a bit more to let go. It’s not like I recognize that I am wanting something too much or wishing things were different than they are and then magically I feel better. No, instead I have to go through this whole process where I think Gah! I wish I could just let go! Why does everything have to be so hard? That’s what makes the whole thing suck so much.

For some reason today was one of those days where I felt it necessary to lament being single…again. Only that wasn’t enough all by itself, I decided that since I was already busy wishing things were different than they are, I might as well go ahead and feel badly about my entire life. That makes a ton of sense, doesn’t it? It’s like I’m walking along my path and notice Oh, a pit of despair. I think I’ll jump in.

On my drive home tonight I was sort of demanding of God to know what exactly is being asked of me. Am I being asked to not want anything ever? Or is it the way I am wanting it? Am I doing it wrong? Please, somebody tell me how to do it right and I will.

At times it feels like I may spend the rest of my life paying for mistakes I made out of ignorance and lack of awareness. The reason that’s hard is I am aware now and I really feel the pain of my life because I am not trying to suppress it anymore. I sort of wonder if the sadness will ever end.

I know things are going better than they were, I have a job and that is very helpful. Things could definitely be worse.

This seems to be coming, once again, from that place inside me where I feel different and in a sense separate from my fellow human beings. I’m not fundamentally different, but there are still a lot of unaware, unawakened people in the world and because I have found so few like-minded people, I feel like a fish out of water much of the time.

We humans are mirrors for each other and I feel like I am wandering the earth looking into the eyes of everyone I meet, hoping to see a spark of recognition and not finding it.

That is the key to love, the feeling of being seen, recognized as something precious and wonderful. It’s an amazing gift to give and to receive.

This is the thing I love about being in love. I truly believe that when we are in love is the only time we really see clearly. It doesn’t even have to be romantic love in this instance. It can be a general sense of delight in people. I actually experience this fairly frequently and I think it’s what keeps me going during this period of isolation I am experiencing.

Today during lunch I talked to a coworker. He seems like the type of person most people sort of discount and don’t pay a lot of attention to. And he knows it. And I’m pretty sure he longs to be seen by someone. The way I could tell this is I paid undivided attention to him–because I know how to do that–and this person lit up before my eyes. He was so pleased and happy to be listened to. And it was no trouble to me at all.

As long as I’m thinking about my whole life I might as well remember that all my life I have been that person for so many people. The one with enough patience to work with the mentally challenged or even the people who seem to wear others out quickly. I am able to stay engaged and really give the person a part of myself, the part that cares and understands. And I think the reason I am able to do that is because all my life, that is what I have been seeking. Someone who looks at me and sees nothing wrong and finds it very easy to listen to me.

Once again I am faced with the need to let go of wanting. I need to accept my life the way it is. Because it would be a shame to spend the rest of my life unhappy about something that isn’t going to change. Letting go of everything but hope is quite a challenge. But it’s the only way to have peace.

If you change your thinking and decide to live an authentic life, it’s likely you’ll find yourself alone in the darkest part of the forest for a while before you find new companions on the journey. It’s okay, it’s part of the challenge. When decisions are made with awareness, they come with the knowledge of how sweet it will be when you find someone who truly appreciates you.

I think I’m done crying for the night. I feel better.

I’m just going to let God take over, I need a rest.