Crossroads

It is interesting having options. I prefer it to not, but making life decisions can be stressful, especially when you feel you’ve made poor ones in the past.

I find myself at a crossroads in more than one area of life right now. There is nothing bad happening; it’s all very positive, all about choices, but I find myself terrified at the thought of making decisions that will disturb the status quo too much. I’ve been through so much the past couple years and things are finally starting to settle down. Do I want to stay settled and risk getting in a rut or do I want to stir things up a little and see what I can make of it?

Recently I have been finding a lot more joy in life. When a certain amount of stress is missing, it makes it a lot easier to appreciate things and be present and not preoccupied. I appreciate that so much. I believe it is out of this sense of joy that some of the options before me have manifested.

That is a very important thing to remember in a situation like the one in which I currently find myself. Nothing that shows up in my life does so apart from my intention to have certain experiences. There is nothing I can experience that I am not open to experiencing. If I were not open, situations would not present themselves. Everything that is going on in my life right now is the result of the thoughts I have been thinking up to now. It’s not all pretty, I’d be lying if I said it was. But some really beautiful people and situations have come into my life and sometimes when I think about what and who I am attracting, it makes me really happy to know that the universe is responding to what I am offering. It’s truly humbling.

I have to make a career decision within the next 24 hours. And there are other, more personal decisions to make right now too. The personal stuff is not pressing, so for the moment, I deal with the issue before me.

It boils down to a cost/benefit analysis. What’s more important, money or happiness? On the grand scale that question is very easy to answer. But on the small-scale, the distinction is a much finer one.

This is one of those situations that is too big for me to figure out on my own. I need to pray and then clear my mind of the thought of it. Once I give the question over, the answer will come.

The more I live, the more I figure out that thinking is such a flawed way of problem solving much of the time. The ability to reason is flawed in the best of analytical thinkers. I’ve reasoned my way through many issues. I’ve been formally trained in logic and analysis. But the answers to the truly important questions always come in the silence. When I get out of the way, things tend to work out just fine.

I put myself in the hands of God. And I have faith that I will find beauty on my journey regardless of which path I take.

Amen.

A breath of fresh air

“As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people the permission to do the same.” ~Nelson Mandela

 

Today, in anticipation of Spring, I bought a pretty pink skirt. It’s lovely and has a subtle floral print. It makes me happy just looking at it.

Why this got me thinking about Facebook and other social media, I am not sure, but I realized that when we share the small, joyous moments of our lives with our friends and family, it makes everyone’s life a little nicer and lightens the burdens of all involved. It’s like a breath of fresh air. And I believe it is possible to do it without bragging, I’ve seen it. There are some lovely people on my Facebook friends list and on Twitter who make my life nicer just knowing they are out there.

My whole goal with Facebook and especially Twitter is to share my joy with the world. I do it because I have been blessed with a particular way of looking at the world, and the ability to write fairly well. And fairly concisely as it turns out, though I am certain my blog posts beg to differ. My point is, I have come to a place in my life where I fully understand that both my broad-minded perspective and my writing skills are gifts and the best way I can honor those gifts is to share them.

By choosing to be a leader in this way, by giving yourself permission to be authentic, to be vulnerable, to share your open heart, and to love freely and unconditionally, you literally invite others to do likewise. If you cultivate good qualities in yourself through prayer, meditation, and spiritual discipline, you can share those with others through the way you treat them. They will see a glimpse of their own holiness in you and their lives will be made better. It gives people hope to see someone earnest on their spiritual path. Mine may not be the prettiest display of spiritual work, but nobody would ever accuse me of not trying, that much I know. And if it helps anyone to look at my example and know that we’re all just doing the best we can, then what I’m doing is worthwhile.

The small number of people whose lives I have touched have made every risk I take in sharing myself through writing totally worth it.

I love seeing the light shine on Facebook and Twitter. More and more I see people posting positive, uplifting messages to share with the people they love.

If you go around loving and accepting people, just as they are, you know what you get? A lot of happy people who feel safe around you. It’s beautiful.

Kinda like a pretty, pink skirt and the promise of Spring.

Perceive the divine mystery

“Love the animals, love the plants, love everything. If you love everything, you will perceive the divine mystery in things. Once you perceive it, you will begin to comprehend it better every day. And you will come at last to love the whole world with an all-embracing love.” ~Fyodor Dostoyevsky

 

Serendipity is one of my favorite things.

After I dropped my daughter off at school this morning I was thinking of how much I love people…and animals…and trees…and so many other things. And I was thinking that the reason I am able to feel the way I do most of the time is because I am paying attention, looking for the divine in everyone and everything.

On my way home from my daughter’s school I stopped by the grocery store. It’s one of the best places to see cute babies and little kids.

This morning I saw an adorable little boy sitting in a shopping cart. He was probably 2 or 3. His dad was busy with a shopping list and the little guy was lifting a loaf of bread up and over his head, showing what a big, strong boy he is. When he put the bread down he told his dad, “Whew, that was heavy.” Dad was not really paying attention and just sorta mumbled an affirmation about the bread being heavy. I wish that dad would have been paying attention! It was a precious sight and though I’m sure this little guy provides his parents with much joy and many moments just as sweet, his dad missed this one. I guess the good thing is that I, a complete stranger, did not miss it. It made me smile and remember when my kids were that small and how much I loved their antics.

So I went on my way and finished up at the store, happy, still thinking about how delightful people can be. Then on my way out I saw a dog who was walking over to his owner, carrying his own leash in his mouth. Adorable! It was possibly a Golden Retriever, but his coat was a little reddish like he might have Irish Setter or some other breed as well. He was just a big old happy dog, the kind who looks like he doesn’t have a care in the world. I really liked him.

I know I say it frequently, but life is really beautiful…if you’re paying attention. The two encounters I had this morning brought so much joy to my morning that I would not have experienced if I were not present and paying attention. It’s not like I don’t have other stuff to worry about right now, I do, but if I dwell there, I will miss the beauty that is life. And it is truly glorious.

After I got home, I found the above quote on Facebook. Well put, Dostoyevsky. I was thinking the exact same thing…though perhaps ever so slightly less eloquently.

Fountain of youth

Sometimes the obvious comes to me as a flash of insight.

I was sitting here contemplating my face, my appearance and my age and it suddenly occurred to me why I am often told I look much younger than my chronological age. I smile a lot. I like smiling, it feels good. It is the natural physical expression of joy. Just as frowning is the natural physical expression of despair. Nothing we put on our skin can correct the thoughts that that express themselves on our faces.

As I was feeling the skin on my face, which is still remarkably firm and free of wrinkles, I realized that just like the rest of the body, the face is full of muscles. What happens to muscles when we don’t use them? They turn to flab. And that is what makes people look old.

Smiling uses most of the facial muscles. Doing it often keeps those muscles strong. Consider it a workout for your face.

Another interesting thing about smiling is it magically produces the very mental state it expresses, happiness. It’s nearly impossible not to feel happier when smiling. That’s what makes it a good cure for depression and I’m sure a variety of physical ills as well.

Smile therapy should be an area of scientific research if it is not already. There’s no way to know the depths of its healing powers unless we examine it.

Though I have been blessed with good hair and skin and I take decent care of myself, I believe the reason I look younger than my years is because I smile and ultimately, if you follow the logic, the attitudes and beliefs that produce those smiles.

Though my life is not perfect, I do have a very big advantage because I think young thoughts. My chosen perspective is one of love, joy, innocence, forgiveness and acceptance. The reason life’s struggles do not show on my face is because I keep the struggle to a minimum. Acknowledge it and let it go, whatever it is. This clears the path for the joyous thoughts that radiate from our faces when we think them. This is why children and babies smile so much, they can’t help it…they have happy thoughts most of the time.

Once I went on a date after which the guy said he felt sort of embarrassed because I smile so much and it made him realize he doesn’t. Since we only went out the one time and I have had minimal contact with him since, I have to wonder if that realization made any difference in his life. Did he find more reasons to smile? I hope so.

The world is a beautiful place filled with lovely people and things. It’s impossible to know that and not go around grinning and giggling.

Smile…and be young forever.

 

It’s the little things

Sometimes the smallest things can bring great joy.  I am fortunate to have the ability to see beauty in the simplest things and to experience joy and tremendous gratitude at the smallest kindness.

There’s a flip side to everything though.  And as I sit here on my bed, unable to breathe through one side of my nose, I realize that just as the smallest things can bring great joy, very small things can bring amazing amounts of misery.  I’m only half serious–it makes me laugh because when the little things cause misery, it’s a sign that things are out of perspective.  And yet there is a certain satisfaction involved in whining like a big baby when I have a cold, and I do.

Part of what’s funny to me is that I have lived with rheumatoid arthritis, a chronic, painful condition, for 12 years and I almost never say anything about the pain.  I’ve grown used to it.  Pain is just a part of my daily life, no biggie.  But I’ve been two days with a runny nose and a scratchy throat and I’m about to have a tantrum.

What is it about a cold that creates such a (real or imagined) level of suffering?  For me, it’s about being a fussy, control freak, which I am.  I don’t like sneezing and blowing my nose.  It’s gross.  Not a huge fan of coughing either, especially when I can’t stop.

So, I’m sorta Scarlett O’Hara level drama about my cold.  It’s kind of fun to make a big deal out of not feeling great. It’s not going to last much longer, so may as well enjoy it as much as possible.

This morning I had one of those moments of joy triggered by something very simple.  I was waking my kids up and I was really happy to see them in their rooms sleeping peacefully, feeling safe and cared for here with me.  It was a great feeling.  Having them around is such a blessing.

I’m glad when I see beautiful things I can stop and be aware enough to experience them fully.  Makes life a lot more interesting.

I’m also glad I get to act like a drama queen when I have a cold.  It’s okay as long as I’m nice about it.  Maybe next time I have a cold I’ll have someone around who will want to take care of me.  That would be grand.

Right now…like the Van Halen song

Seems like it might never stop raining in Portland.  The news said we are 258% above average rainfall for this month.  That’s a lot, even for Oregon.  I’m so ready for some sunshine.  I think it would help my mood immensely.  I’m not in a bad mood, just a blah one.  Rain does that to me after a while because it just slows everything down in a weird way.

I feel pretty hopeful today.  I picked up a book by Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now, and started reading it again.  I remember liking it the first time around.  I also really enjoyed A New Earth, another very insightful book of his.

Reading The Power of Now helped me find my bearings a bit today.  Sometimes when I read something that really makes sense to me by someone whose logic I respect, it makes me feel better, like I’m heading in the right direction, like I’m thinking the right kinds of thoughts about the right kinds of things most of the time.

This book really stresses being in the present moment, possibly more than any book I have read.  And it does so in a wonderfully firm, no-nonsense way.  I have read many books by Thich Nhat Hanh where he makes the same points just as effectively, but in a very different, softer way.  So beautiful, but so different from Eckhart Tolle.

I am grateful for the ability to be aware most of the time.  I’ve been working at it for 6 years, but it’s been worth it.  To be present and aware is to be able to experience joy at any moment, just by choosing it.  When you exist unconsciously, living in the past or the future, you lose the true power of choice.  In my opinion, it’s not really possible to affect positive change in life without paying attention.  Things happen by default which can keep a person in a fairly constant state of reaction.  That’s why things seem so random sometimes.  But really, nothing ever happens for no reason.

Being in the now is the safest, most peaceful place a person can be.  The past is just the memory of now moments that we’ve already lived through successfully to get to this one.  And if we can fully embrace and appreciate the moment we are in right now, it will give birth to another glorious and perfect now.  We just have to let it happen without resisting.

Eckhart Tolle says if you find yourself struggling against your present life circumstances, you should either remove yourself from it, change it if you can, or learn to accept it for what it is.  Doing one of those things will put an end to suffering and produce peace.  This is the truth as I have experienced it.  As I have learned to accept things how they are, my life has gotten easier in ways.  At least I don’t punish myself constantly with worry anymore.  I know that worry never helps anything, so I find something else to do.  And whatever I find to do is always way more fun than worrying.  Go figure.

Recently life has begun to feel like an adventure I am on with the angels.  I know they will help me take care of things and when I can’t see the how of it, I just smile and wonder what beautiful miracle is on its way to me at this very moment.

I’m pretty sure I’m still going to have moments of doubt and suffering, but I know I possess the tools to move out of that pretty quickly.

So, I think the angels and my kids and I will see what we can make out of these now moments.  I think it’s going to be good.

“Right now, hey it’s your tomorrow. Right now, C’mon, it’s everything.” ~Van Halen

Day of grace and miracles

I woke up feeling hopeful this morning. Nothing visible has changed in my world, but I feel blessed.  This is how life is supposed to feel regardless of one’s circumstances.

It’s a beautiful, sunny day.  Portland hasn’t had very many of those recently.  The past 6 weeks have seen record setting rainfall.

I started this post earlier; it is now the end of the day and all I can say is that the hopeful feeling that started my day was a sign of good things.

Yesterday I was on Craigslist because I was considering selling some bar exam preparation materials to make some money.  I saw an ad posted by someone needing to purchase Oregon specific bar exam materials.  I wrote to him inquiring what he needed, intending to sell anything I had that he could use.  He wrote back about the very few things he needed, explaining some things about his prior bar exam experience and his law school experience.  I felt a great deal of compassion for this person, probably due to my own struggles with bar exams.  I wrote back to him and offered him everything I have that covers the essay part of the Oregon bar exam, including my own personal notes and outlines and some things I have that are not available publicly and I told him I would like to give him the books for free because the good karma was more valuable to me than money right now.

After I did this I felt this incredible sense of joy.  And it was in that instant that I knew what has really been bothering me about this period of unemployment and financial struggle.  Though I do not enjoy struggling to pay my basic expenses, my sadness has been less about having money and things for myself than it has been feeling that I haven’t been helping others.  Focusing so much energy on meeting the needs of my own household left me feeling like I wasn’t contributing enough.  Offering something from my heart without expecting anything in return hit some sort of reset button for me. This is the first time in a long time that I have felt so much of this particular kind of joy.

I was born to give and help.  It’s what makes me truly happy and fulfilled.  And when I feel like I am not giving or helping, I feel a deep sadness. Offering a gift to a stranger was the best gift I have given myself recently.

It turns out that the person I was dealing with over Craigslist was not a destitute law graduate studying for the bar exam, he is a clerk for a federal district court judge who now thinks I am a very kind person.  Definitely not a bad person to help, though I would have done it for anyone.

This is where the story gets good.  Immediately upon doing this good deed, money started coming from all directions.  Not tons of it, certainly not enough to substantially change my situation, but nonetheless, there had been nothing coming in for a while and suddenly I won some money on a scratch off lottery ticket, had an unanticipated credit to my bank account, received some money in the mail and made some additional money I wasn’t expecting.  Then, I took my lottery ticket to the store, used part of the money to buy a few more tickets and scratched off two more winners.

I was reminded today of this New Testament parable shared by Jesus:

⁴¹And He sat down opposite the treasury, and began observing how the people were putting money into the treasury; and many rich people were putting in large sums. ⁴²A poor widow came and put in two small copper coins, which amount to a cent. ⁴³Calling His disciples to Him, He said to them, “Truly I say to you, this poor widow put in more than all the contributors to the treasury; ⁴⁴for they all put in out of their surplus, but she, out of her poverty, put in all she owned, all she had to live on.”  Mark 12:41-44

I didn’t think of this passage because I felt that what I did was such a grand gesture, it was that I did what I could to help a person  in need by offering to give away one of the only things I could have sold to make extra money.  And I felt that the deed was blessed by God and I was rewarded by receiving more money, seemingly out of nowhere, than I would have made by selling the books.  On top of all of that, the person I offered the books to insisted on paying me for them.

My expenses for this month are now taken care of.  It is nothing short of a miracle.  I welcome this miracle, bless its Source and give thanks for it and the miracles yet to come.