I’m going through boxes, throwing things away and I found the journal I was writing in when I met the opera singer who broke my heart. The reason I feel like I should share this is that there are always signs pointing to things that seem to come as a surprise. Nothing ever really comes out of left field. The power of denial is amazing. Here are some of the first things I wrote about this guy, before meeting him in person:
12/2/2005–I’ve been e-mailing this guy named ____. He seems nice enough. He doesn’t really have the most secure work habits though and I guess that is a bit of a red flag. Ya think?
That guy ____ wrote back to me. I think he may be too cynical for me. Oy.
12/9/2005–I don’t think _____ is lying about things because if he were going to bother to lie, wouldn’t he try to make it at least sound impressive?
What’s the worst that could happen? I could sleep with him and then find out he’s a loser/asshole/jerk and have my heart broken in the process. I guess the best case scenario is that we could become really good and close friends and stay that way for a long time. What if he is supposed to be the love of my life? Wouldn’t that be a trip? It turned out to be a little of both.
12/22/2005–I need to slow this thing down, it’s going too fast. I have other things I need to do, I have to finish what I started (law school). Hello, do you even hear yourself?
Four days after the 12/22 entry saying I needed to slow it down, I met him in person and our first date lasted 3 days. And thus began the most intense roller coaster ride of my life that went on for the next 3 1/2 years, at which point he not only broke my heart, he shattered it, and my entire world came crashing down with it. Looking back, it was one of the biggest favors anyone has ever done for me. Not because I think badly of him, I don’t, and it’s not that I’m glad he’s out of my life. To this day I think he is one of the most beautiful souls I have ever met. I will always have a soft place in my heart for him. He’s a good person who sometimes wreaks havoc in people’s lives. I wasn’t the only one it happened to and I really shouldn’t have been surprised, he tried to warn me.
So now I know that I needed to be that devastated so I could find my way to where I am now, which is a much better place in so many ways than I have ever been. If I hadn’t needed that exact experience, somehow I would have avoided getting involved with him. His actions forced me to take a hard look at myself and when I did, what I saw was not pretty. From there I have been able to make changes and for the first time in my life I feel like I am living an authentic life and that I am no longer hiding the real me from the world. For better or worse, this is it. This is who I am. Parts of me have remained constant, like my desire to do good in the world, but some of the darker, more manipulative parts were brought into the light, where they disappeared.
It seems weird to be thankful for something that caused me that much pain, but I have long thought that painful experiences should not be wasted. Good can come of anything if we are willing to look at things from a different perspective. My entire life has been preparing me to be the person I am now and while I am far from perfect, when I look at myself now, I see radiant beauty.
Though I have no reason to think he reads any of my blogs, on the off chance he does read this one, I have one thing to say: Thank you.