A touch of grace

Why are we humans so attached to our problems? I suppose it could just be me, but even with all the spiritual self-discipline I have at times, sometimes I still struggle and grapple with a problem until it’s too painful to handle anymore before I will let go.

The thing about letting go is, even though it usually happens while one is at the edge of the pit of despair, the relief is immediate and palpable.

I had a particularly emotionally difficult night a couple of nights ago. So many things coming at me from multiple directions. Way more than I could process and expect to sleep at all before work. By the time I got home, less than 4 hours before I was supposed to be at work, I was freezing from walking outside for a couple of hours and my heart was heavy. I got into bed trying to warm up, but lay shivering for some time. As I was lying there hoping to settle down enough to go to sleep, I experienced a moment of grace.

My thoughts were racing from an earlier interaction with a friend that caught me off guard. I was crying. And I realized that, with regard to the particular situation that was troubling me, I have no answers anymore. It needed to be turned over to God. Trying to figure it out, which is something I have been putting effort into for far longer than just recently, causes distress.

When I reached the end of my rope, I prayed…in the name of Jesus, something I haven’t done in a long time because I am no longer a member of a church and I don’t consider myself a Christian by the standard definition. What happened was a small miracle. It was after 3 a.m. and I get up for work at 6 a.m. I was tearful and cold and felt very alone. It was one of those situations where I could have lain awake for hours, but knew I needed at least a little sleep to be able to do my job. So I simply said: I am out of answers, this situation requires grace, not obsessive worry. Jesus, please take this burden from my heart so I can rest a few hours before work. Then I fell asleep.

It was amazing because the effect was immediate. I said the prayer, closed my eyes and went to sleep instantly. I don’t fall asleep that easily on a normal day when everything is good. I’ve always had trouble shutting my mind off. I feel tremendous gratitude for this miracle.

Two very big lessons came to me from this experience.

The first is that even though it can feel uncomfortable, that dark place, the place of despair where you’ve run out of ideas, that’s not a bad place…unless you stay there spinning your wheels. That moment is the moment of grace, if you are willing to receive it. If you are willing to truly let things go and put no more energy into struggling. It’s really quite beautiful.

The other insight I gained from the experience is just because I am not a Christian by other people’s standards does not mean that I am no longer allowed to call upon the name of Jesus. That is a relationship nobody can take from me and I should never have given it up voluntarily.

Because of my understanding of religion and metaphor, it should have been clear to me that the name of Jesus does not belong to anyone exclusively. Jesus belongs to anyone who anyone who wants to connect with him.

In the truly difficult moments I am always somehow reminded that I am not alone. For this I am eternally grateful.

Namaste.

Magical thinking

I recently read a quote by Walter Isaacson about Apple founder, Steve Jobs: He could drive himself by magical thinking. I liked this quote so much because it got me thinking about the kind of person Steve Jobs was and why the world loved him so.

Magical thinking is a childlike quality that some people possess that makes them seem vulnerable and yet very much insulated from the world. It’s an irresistible quality that brings out the creativity in self and others.

Little ones, being closer to God than the rest of us, create entire universes with their minds. It’s beautiful. Great, expansive universes where anything is possible. Why are we encouraged to lose this quality as adults?

What I understand as faith is actually the practice of magical thinking. It’s believing something with no tangible proof to support the belief. And I do not think there is anything wrong with that. There may be those who think I am denigrating faith, but I’m not, I think it is one of the most important spiritual tools we have. I just think sometimes we over complicate things. Most spiritual practices are simple, they just seem complicated because they have huge consequences.

The people who refuse to give up magical thinking are the ones who become poets and musicians and gurus. They are the ones who go around gently waking others up.

“We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.” ~Buddha

How does one cultivate a pure mind? Become childlike. Children have pure thoughts because they don’t know any of the harsh stuff yet. And because their thoughts and minds are still pure, they radiate joy.

“Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.” -Matthew 18:3  Jesus seems to think it’s pretty important to be childlike.

Magical thinking is the silver thread that runs through my life. It enables a person to endure all manner of hardship without becoming bitter. I can’t imagine being any other way.

A friend recently told me that I do not look calcified like some people my age. Interesting word choice I thought, but mostly accurate I’d say. I explained to my friend that I’m pretty sure I will never get old. It’s because of the way I think.

Whenever we are free to be ourselves, we give others the gift of the freedom to be themselves as well. Creativity comes from this freedom.

I think we should all think as many goofy, silly thoughts as we can while believing all things are possible. From that place in the mind all kinds of great ideas are born. I think Steve Jobs might agree.

Our daily bread

The past week has been amazing. A phone call yesterday resulted in my return to the world of the fully employed. I am so grateful.

Life is shaping me into a person of strong faith and it’s an amazing thing to watch. Seeing beauty emerge from one’s own suffering is the true gift of perseverance. It’s about remaining present no matter what arises. That is the hardest obstacle we face as humans, experiencing life’s harshness without turning away. Looking straight into the eyes of the enemy and refusing to back down. And the thing is, I have finally figured out how to do this while having compassion for myself. I am finally starting to believe that I am as worthy of having good things as anyone I would wish them for. That’s a big lesson for me. To finally see the end of needing to constantly punish myself for who knows what and walking around feeling like a monumental failure. I think I’m done with it, at least for now.

In the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus teaches us to request what we need daily, which I believe means constantly throughout the day. But Jesus doesn’t teach us to seek assurance beyond the now. He says: Give us THIS day our daily bread. Not next week’s bread or ten years’ from now. Seek what you need in any given moment, knowing the moment is constantly changing.

When I look back over the past couple of months of job searching, I see that part of the daily bread was a trail of crumbs to help me find my way on the path.

A couple of weeks ago I had an interview, but until yesterday had heard nothing. Because it was my most concrete potential for a job, I was starting to worry more with each passing day. But the one thing I did differently this time is that I allowed the worry to flow through me rather than trying to fight or correct it. Whenever I would worry I would also turn the burden over to God because worry is not a productive part of receiving. Each time I did this I immediately received a sign that things were going the right direction and would be fine.

I went to sleep saying affirmations a couple of nights ago, both in my mind and whispered aloud. I affirmed that God supplies me unfailingly and that the next day I would receive a phone call with a job offer. That is precisely what happened.

Sometimes I can feel that my words have power. This is one of those times.

If God is throwing you crumbs when you asked for an entire loaf, consider that the crumbs may be the trail that leads you where you need to go.

Money…the root of all evil?

Recently I read something that caused me to think about money. Not in the same ways I was there for a while, not with worry and fear, just wondering about poverty and wealth and whether one is more noble than the other. As much as I understand that money is a means to an end and of itself is neutral, I can’t help wondering why then is money such a hot topic for most people. Money is more emotionally charged than sex. It can sometimes break up a marriage faster than issues about sex, for sure.

I learn best by applying the rules of the universe to my situations. It’s also how I learned to think in law school. Apply the rules to the facts to figure out what is going on and what to do about it. The thing I like best about the rules of the universe is they are not arbitrary. Unlike man-made law, which often makes no sense at all, the laws of the universe are…well, universal. Cause and effect.

The book that started me thinking about all of this was addressing ambition and the ego, equating worth with material possessions. There seems to be a lot of this going on in America right now, so maybe that’s why it struck me.

“Again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” –Matthew 19:24

What did Jesus mean when he made that statement?

There is another passage in Matthew that comes to mind:

“No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and wealth.” –Matthew 6:24

Both of these passages suggest that wealth, the accumulation of material possessions, is at best a slippery spiritual slope and at worst, the path to hell.

Just for the record, I do not believe in hell in the classical Christian sense as a place where souls are sent to spend eternity in torment as punishment for mistakes made while in the body. I recognize hell as more of a metaphor for the torment we inflict on ourselves by living ego-driven lives.

Since wealth is a relative concept, I wonder how I would respond if Jesus (in whatever form he would take) asked me to give everything I have to the truly poor and join him in spreading the gospel, the message of unconditional love. Would I do it? Would any of the people I admire do it? Louise Hay, Marianne Williamson, Oprah, Wayne Dyer. What do you think? These people have a lot more money than I do and I’m not even sure what my answer would be. And it’s not because I am financially comfortable. I’m still way too close to the edge for my liking.

Even the concept of being on the edge financially is relative. I know there are millions of people on this earth worse off than I am. And when one considers all the various levels of materialism, poverty itself is more of a concept or a state of mind than a reality for anyone. Who hasn’t known someone who complains about being poor when they have much more than most people? We all do it to some degree.

There is one more passage from the Bible that comes to mind:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” –Matthew 5:3

The notation for this passage interpreted poor in spirit as: Those who are not spiritually arrogant.

I have had to think hard to understand the passage about being poor in spirit. I don’t think it’s talking about people of weak faith. I think–and I could be wrong–that the passage suggests that we should have the heart of a poor person. Poverty is humbling. Poor people have to depend on others for even their most basic needs sometimes. It is equivalent to being an infant or having a crippling disability. In those cases there is total dependence. I think to be poor in spirit is to rely totally on God as the Source of everything good and to accept humbly and graciously the blessings we are given. Think of how it feels to be truly grateful for what you have. For me, those moments are as close to the kingdom of heaven as I have ever experienced.

At the end of the day it’s not money that is evil, it is what people are willing to do to accumulate and keep it that defines a person. There are a lot of rich people whose goodness is not diminished by what they have. I would like to believe that, like me, they wouldn’t necessarily be eager to give up everything and live a life of material poverty, but if they were called to do so, would do it with as much grace as possible.

Maybe it’s because I have so few possessions now, but there is a part of me that understands the reason monks and nuns take vows of poverty. Not having things is very liberating on many levels. The energy we expend caring for our stuff can be used for the good of the world.

Here’s what I’m thinking about for myself–getting rid of all my debt as quickly as possible and maybe working at a simple job that doesn’t require much from me and earning just enough to comfortably meet my expenses with a little left over to put in a savings account. If more than that comes I will deal with it as it happens, but I am not interested in chasing a lifestyle to the point where that is all I’m doing, trying to earn the money to acquire and maintain things.

Money lessons come the hard way for many people. That has certainly been true for me. The way I have simplified it is to recognize that money is nothing more than a representation of the energy from which it comes. It’s great to welcome it coming from the light, but not to go to the dark side in pursuit of it.

“Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.” ~Rumi

“To know you have enough is to be rich.” ~Tao te ching

Quality connections

When people follow me on Twitter, I usually follow them back. The only time I don’t is when it looks like it is a bot. Those are pretty easy to recognize because it’s usually a very sexy looking woman with zero tweets.

This post may very well be another installment in Cheryl’s Weird Way of Looking at the World, but there are some things about social networking that perplex me. Certain phenomena that I have noticed as I observe the world.

It would probably be good to give my ideas of what things like Twitter and Facebook are to me. Facebook seems like a place to connect with people you actually know in person, friends and family, while Twitter feels like a place to connect with new people of similar temperament.

Twitter seems more like hanging out in a coffee shop as opposed to the big family picnic that is Facebook. I have never met most of the people I follow on Twitter. And for me that means I am more free to be myself. These are people who have no preconceived notions about who I am or what I should be doing.

This Twitter/Facebook thing makes me think of this Bible verse: “A prophet is not without honor except in his hometown and among his own relatives and in his own household.” Mark 6:3-5  Jesus had been traveling and doing miracles and great things, but when he came to his hometown, he could do very few small miracles. The people of his town saw him as just that carpenter kid whose parents live down the road. They thought he was thinking pretty highly of himself and they became angry. He was doing something different than was expected of him.

People who think they know us do not like it when we act in ways they do not expect. When we have expectations of each other, life is an emotional roller coaster.

So in the Jesus analogy, Facebook is my hometown. The people there have definite ideas about me and I don’t impact them much because of it. Anything I say or do has to penetrate the wall of projected ideas and opinions…and that’s not always easy. So I find myself a little constrained on Facebook. That is not the case with Twitter or this blog.

When I am writing anywhere besides Facebook, I feel free to be myself. Judgmental family and friends put a damper on open communication. Not that I never judge, I clearly have opinions on where my family is coming from.

As I follow new people on Twitter, I get a lot of requests to also be friends on Facebook. Usually from people who are selling or promoting something. I get such an odd vibe from people who are constantly trying to drum up new contacts and increase their number of online friends. To me, it has an air of desperation about it. A definite Amway marketing feel. It’s off putting.

It doesn’t bother me in general that there are people on Twitter who are selling stuff. I can put up with that. There is a core group of people I follow who are absolutely precious to me. Their words and intentions help me stay positive. In a way, though I have never met most of them, they feel more like family than my flesh and bone relatives. These are kindred spirits, one of the great joys of life. A lot of these people are not selling anything and are just happy to connect with like minded others. They seem to be genuinely glad to share wisdom with others…free of charge.

A while ago I read a quote that said something to the effect that Twitter makes you love people you don’t even know and Facebook makes you hate your own family and friends. There is a curious truth to that. My experience is not that extreme, but I have seen the radiant beauty of total strangers on Twitter at the same time as witnessing arrogant and offensive behavior by Facebook friends I actually know in person.

This is partially why Facebook friend requests from strangers unnerve me a bit. It’s like inviting someone to join my obnoxious, opinionated, judgmental family.

The other reason is that the action of declaring a total stranger a friend, which in the grand scheme of things I support fully, redfines the word friend as I have understood it. I don’t like seeing this happen. I don’t like seeing online connections replace real human ones. Our worth as people is not determined by how many Facebook friends we have, or how many Twitter followers. The benefit is not in the numbers, it is in the quality of the connections that are made. While it seems possible that establishing a rapport with someone over Twitter could lead to a friendship that leads to a Facebook connection, asking too early is like being too eager on a first date.

A couple of years ago I met someone with whom I felt a very strong instant connection. Shortly after we met, after we’d seen each other a couple of times, I sent him a text message saying it seemed we had a lot in common and asking if he would like to be friends and hang out and talk sometimes. He responded saying that he appreciated the offer, but that he didn’t feel like he had room in his life for another friend at that time. It was one of the most honest, straightforward things anyone has ever said to me and I respected him for it. I understood right away where he was coming from. Relationships take time and energy if they are to be of high quality. That is just not possible with more than a few people at a time. It’s fine to have many acquaintances, but having 2 or 3 people who are close to be devoted to is about what most people can comfortably handle.

While I am fortunate to have people in my life who care that I care about, I have no close friends right now. Not the kind you see and talk to regularly. I’m connecting with a few people at work, but there is no way to know if those connections will last. I have tended to drift in and out of lives. I have short, intense relationships. The fact that I was married 18 years, notwithstanding. The actual relationship had deteriorated many years before I left.

The past couple of years has been the only time in my life I have been alone like this. It’s been the most eye opening thing I have ever experienced. Figuring out who I am without the influence of others. I better understand my strengths and weaknesses now and I do not need validation to be okay. I’m human, I still like validation, I just don’t need it to feel worthwhile anymore.

My hope is that the period of introspection will help improve the quality of all my connections going forward.

In the meanwhile I wish the multi-level marketing types would quit trying to get to me over Facebook. It’s not going to happen. There is a shallowness in the world of sales and marketing (and performers, actually) that does not interest me at all. A way of looking at people trying to find ways to use them for one’s own personal gain. For the rest of the time I have left in this body I wish to make real, deep connections with people who share the desire of making the world a better place by looking deeply at our fellow humans and seeing true beauty. I do not desire illusory connections in which there is no real interest in the other person. To me that seems like a living hell where one acquires relationships with no intention of maintaining them. Relationship clutter. It’s like people hoarders. I don’t want to exist at the back of someone’s metaphorical refrigerator, covered in mold or under a pile of old newspapers. Nobody does.

It feels like I will soon be able to manage a few friendships again. I finally know who I am. Or rather, I finally know who and what I am not, which makes it a lot easier to be genuine and removes the need for a façade.

Consider the freedom of not needing anyone for anything. It means you get to love people just because you do and for no other motive.

It’s time to celebrate real connection and stop settling for an illusion.

At a loss

Sometimes people talk about how life changes in the blink of an eye and how we should appreciate everyone and everything in our lives because it could all be lost suddenly.  I get that, especially in the case of losing someone suddenly and unexpectedly.  Twelve years ago I experienced that when my sister died.

I’m going to get this out and then try to redirect my thoughts because dwelling on things like loss can set a person up to experience more loss and I truly wish to turn things around and experience abundance and joy, not loss and grief.

I’ll start by saying that something happened last night to trigger the way I am feeling, although I take full responsibility for all of the thoughts that I have been entertaining that have hurt so badly.  I wish I knew why I have to beat myself up emotionally or find someone to do it for me, but I see a pattern here.

This is very likely the dark before the dawn and I suspect that’s why it’s so painful.

I have been looking back over my life and wondering why I would have signed up for this particular assignment.  I believe in reincarnation and I lean towards the belief that we decide before we incarnate what lessons we will learn and which people we will be close to.

My life thus far has been a huge challenge.  Just surviving childhood felt like a miracle.  However, surviving is one thing, learning the lessons required for course correction is another thing entirely.  That is what is bringing me so much pain right now.

Perhaps I’m trying too hard.  It wouldn’t be the first time, but I cannot seem to unlock the lessons that will completely set me free from my past.  I’ll give myself a bit of credit and say that I feel like I have put many things behind me, like the abusive situation I grew up in.  But is it really behind me if I continue to manifest situations and people who support my apparent belief that I am worthless and must be punished?

This blog is my catharsis and I hope nobody is put off by my honesty here.  I don’t really have any people in my life right now other than my kids so I don’t have very many places to unload my thoughts and I don’t talk to anyone.  My life has never been so devoid of friends and yet, I think this is meant to happen this way and I am willing to see how it unfolds.  That is not to say that I feel bleak about the future or I think it’s going to stay like this.  It’s not like that at all.  I see a future filled with friends and people, but right now I have to do this.

One of the analogies that pops into my mind about all of this is an example from the Bible.  The one where Jesus is in the garden the night before his crucifixion and he is praying and asking God to remove this cup, but that he will drink from the cup if it is God’s will.  This symbolism applies to anyone who is facing something difficult that they are not sure they have the strength to endure.  I have felt this way a lot in my life.  When life hands us challenges, we are asked to take them on and to essentially crucify the person we used to be so that the person we are supposed to become can be resurrected.

The reason I have been having a hard time is because the old me and my old life is dying.  It’s okay, I had lessons to learn and I am looking forward to whatever is next in my life.  Sometimes though, I look back over my life and see that there has been a lot of loss and sadness for someone my age.  My whole life has been filled with it whereas I know people not much younger than me who have never lost anyone close and haven’t had too many things go dreadfully wrong in life.  It boggles my mind sometimes.

There are a couple of things I need to remember.  One is that nothing is permanent, not even suffering.  And that love is eternal.  People come and go, things come and go, but the love we experience never goes away.  That is why at the end of the day, love is the only thing that matters.  My purpose is to love, to give it and receive it and do my best to keep it flowing.  As long as I am doing that, none of the other things I worry about matter at all.

And with that, I am going to go get my hair cut so I can look presentable for the interview tomorrow.  Wish me luck!

Day of grace and miracles

I woke up feeling hopeful this morning. Nothing visible has changed in my world, but I feel blessed.  This is how life is supposed to feel regardless of one’s circumstances.

It’s a beautiful, sunny day.  Portland hasn’t had very many of those recently.  The past 6 weeks have seen record setting rainfall.

I started this post earlier; it is now the end of the day and all I can say is that the hopeful feeling that started my day was a sign of good things.

Yesterday I was on Craigslist because I was considering selling some bar exam preparation materials to make some money.  I saw an ad posted by someone needing to purchase Oregon specific bar exam materials.  I wrote to him inquiring what he needed, intending to sell anything I had that he could use.  He wrote back about the very few things he needed, explaining some things about his prior bar exam experience and his law school experience.  I felt a great deal of compassion for this person, probably due to my own struggles with bar exams.  I wrote back to him and offered him everything I have that covers the essay part of the Oregon bar exam, including my own personal notes and outlines and some things I have that are not available publicly and I told him I would like to give him the books for free because the good karma was more valuable to me than money right now.

After I did this I felt this incredible sense of joy.  And it was in that instant that I knew what has really been bothering me about this period of unemployment and financial struggle.  Though I do not enjoy struggling to pay my basic expenses, my sadness has been less about having money and things for myself than it has been feeling that I haven’t been helping others.  Focusing so much energy on meeting the needs of my own household left me feeling like I wasn’t contributing enough.  Offering something from my heart without expecting anything in return hit some sort of reset button for me. This is the first time in a long time that I have felt so much of this particular kind of joy.

I was born to give and help.  It’s what makes me truly happy and fulfilled.  And when I feel like I am not giving or helping, I feel a deep sadness. Offering a gift to a stranger was the best gift I have given myself recently.

It turns out that the person I was dealing with over Craigslist was not a destitute law graduate studying for the bar exam, he is a clerk for a federal district court judge who now thinks I am a very kind person.  Definitely not a bad person to help, though I would have done it for anyone.

This is where the story gets good.  Immediately upon doing this good deed, money started coming from all directions.  Not tons of it, certainly not enough to substantially change my situation, but nonetheless, there had been nothing coming in for a while and suddenly I won some money on a scratch off lottery ticket, had an unanticipated credit to my bank account, received some money in the mail and made some additional money I wasn’t expecting.  Then, I took my lottery ticket to the store, used part of the money to buy a few more tickets and scratched off two more winners.

I was reminded today of this New Testament parable shared by Jesus:

⁴¹And He sat down opposite the treasury, and began observing how the people were putting money into the treasury; and many rich people were putting in large sums. ⁴²A poor widow came and put in two small copper coins, which amount to a cent. ⁴³Calling His disciples to Him, He said to them, “Truly I say to you, this poor widow put in more than all the contributors to the treasury; ⁴⁴for they all put in out of their surplus, but she, out of her poverty, put in all she owned, all she had to live on.”  Mark 12:41-44

I didn’t think of this passage because I felt that what I did was such a grand gesture, it was that I did what I could to help a person  in need by offering to give away one of the only things I could have sold to make extra money.  And I felt that the deed was blessed by God and I was rewarded by receiving more money, seemingly out of nowhere, than I would have made by selling the books.  On top of all of that, the person I offered the books to insisted on paying me for them.

My expenses for this month are now taken care of.  It is nothing short of a miracle.  I welcome this miracle, bless its Source and give thanks for it and the miracles yet to come.