Reliving the past

Yesterday was hectic. By the time the day was over all I wanted was to take a bath. Spending even a few minutes soaking in hot water relaxes me. Hot showers are similarly restorative. I think baths should smell really good, but natural, like herbs and plants. My favorite bubble bath is peppermint and eucalyptus. Those smells have the power to erase stress from my mind.

It is very easy [for me] to enter a meditative state while submerged in hot water. So that’s how I use part of my bath time. Every time I get out of the tub I feel like a new person, which I find kind of poetic because of the obvious biblical metaphor of baptism. Water carries some of the heaviest symbolism of all the elements. It mesmerizes me, and I am in awe of it.

Valuable insights come during bubble baths. New ways of looking at old things.

Awareness enhances every experience we have. I find getting to know people with awareness to be very eye-opening. When we are present and aware, we can observe ourselves and hear what we are telling others and how we are telling it. It is revelatory if one chooses to look deeply.

Recently I met a new friend whom I like and respect and I have also been strengthening my connections to some of my older friends. It’s gotten me thinking about the past. We get to know new people by sharing our old stories and I suppose we can change our relationships with old friends by being willing to tell a new story. I recently realized that as I relive my stories by telling them to my new friend, I am able to drop judgments and look at them much more objectively than when they were happening. But I can only do this if I am aware enough to make that choice.

Part of the choice I get to make is what to share with the people. Do I want to share my garbage or my treasures? I want to share the good, not the darkness. The darkness is my responsibility. It can be turned into light and there is no need to burden anyone else with it most of the time. With awareness comes the power to choose and choosing to share our gifts rather than our garbage is one of the best ways to exercise the power of choice, in my opinion.

Even though yesterday was hectic, I faced a situation that was angst filled for me and I did not let it get the better of me. The day turned out just fine and I had a really nice evening which included a tub full of insights.

Things feel good right now. I intend to enjoy this period of peace and calm.

As I was writing this post, the following quote showed up on Facebook, courtesy of Marianne Williamson:

“Give me your past so I can change your mind about it for you.” — A Course in Miracles

 

All I can say is Amen.

 

Blogging: Cheaper than therapy

This might be a female thing, but I realized this morning just how guilty I feel whenever I make a decision in favor of my own happiness. If I decide to do or not do something because I know it would make me feel better or even make things a little easier for me, I feel like I have done something wrong and need to redeem myself in some way.

Some of these habits of are the result of the abusive childhood I experienced. As I recognize these things I let them go, which is good. But there are so many things that are subtle and insidious playing in the background unnoticed until something triggers them strongly enough that they can be ignored no longer.

What is to be gained from behaving like a martyr? The perspective that leads to this syndrome is messed up. I believe it stems from having one’s needs ignored in favor of accommodating a selfish parent or parents. Kids living in volatile situations learn very early that their only real need is survival. Every severely dysfunctional family has its own dynamic and prevailing messages. The one I grew up in taught me: 1) Do not want anything for yourself; 2) Be afraid all the time; 3) Don’t rock the boat; and 4) Be ashamed, always. There were other messages, but those are some of the big ones. The biggest (and most damaging) was probably: You are not loved or lovable and never will be.

Interestingly, I do not feel badly when I write about this stuff. It used to hurt and I used to feel ashamed for even sharing it. Now it just seems like a fact of history, nothing I need to carry negative feelings about. Now it’s all about making connections and correcting thinking.

The reason I share this process is I know I am not alone. I write out of the gut feeling that I am not the only one who thinks the things I think. For one, it’s not possible for me to be the only one. We are all one, so whatever I am dealing with comes from the universal experience. I am drawing my experience from the collective. If my words turn a light on for anyone, then it’s worth it.

Every time I post a blog it makes me feel vulnerable and a little scared. But something in me tells me that it’s more important for me to write than to feel insulated from potential judgment. Especially when I consider that I know of nobody who can judge me more harshly than I have judged myself.

I am the only person in my family who has sought help reconciling the events of childhood with the reality of needing to function well in the world. That makes me sad. Something that makes me even sadder is that my own sister recently told me that what we went through wasn’t that bad. And yet one does not have to be a psychiatrist to look at the devastation that has manifested in the lives of every member of my family to see that suppressing it is not working. Twelve years ago one of my sisters died at a young age from cancer. I am certain she got sick from carrying the toxic waste that was our childhood inside her for too long. I don’t want to die young, so I am releasing the poison now while I am healthy.

Day by day I am learning to value and trust myself. I am a good person. I do not make decisions out of desire to hurt anyone. I have found the well-spring of love in my heart, so I can go forth in confidence knowing that my intentions, and therefore my actions, will produce only good.

Screw feeling guilty. It’s a trap of the ego meant to keep people afraid and unable to see their greatness.

This has been an interesting journey writing this blog. Being truthful publicly is amazingly healing. I truly believe that when a wounded person chooses to heal openly, someone will be helped by it. All it takes is one to make it worthwhile.

Giving thanks to God for the gifts of healing, love and forgiveness that have blessed my existence and enabled me to share the truest part of myself.

Sometimes I wonder

Today I was thinking:

I wonder how many people are  living a life that is so painful that the idea of taking responsibility for it feels like the thing that will put them over the edge.

I wonder how many people live each day wondering if they can endure any more disappointment or hardship.

I wonder how many people feel like they might give up if one more thing goes wrong.

I wonder how many people know that dwelling on misfortune only brings more misfortune and truly want to think better thoughts, but struggle because the reality of life is constantly intruding on their efforts to think positively.

I wonder how many people feel worthless and isolated because they are unable to meet society’s expectations, not of success, but of minimum standards.

I wonder how many people feel the weight of the world on their shoulders and simultaneously marvel at how homeless people keep going and yet envy them for having only to concern themselves with their own physical survival.

I wonder how many people feel like the world would be better off without them, but know that would only add another burden on the people they love.

I wonder how many people there are who think they must be cursed or so fatally flawed that they will die alone and destitute.

I wonder how many people feel like nobody has ever loved them and nobody ever will and that somehow they deserve that.

I wonder how many people look around them and see people caring about their own material success, not their fellow humans, until a disaster happens and it is suddenly cool and trendy to appear to care for the briefest of moments before returning to pursuit of material things.

I wonder how many people wake up exhausted at the idea of another day in this world.

To these people I wish to say:

Hang on.  Don’t give up.  You are not alone.  We are all in this together and we only need to find one other person who understands and cares.  It might not be the people you think it will be because sometimes at our darkest moments, everyone we thought would care disappears.  It’s okay.  Keep looking.  Because as bad as life sometimes feels, YOU may be the light that gives someone else the strength to get through another day.  And it may be as simple as an understanding and heartfelt smile.

Today you might smile and open a door for a person who is at the end of their rope and in so doing, open the door to hope and the will to survive.

Let us be gentle with one another.  This is a tough planet to live on sometimes.  We all need all the love and compassion we can find.

Metta Sutta:

This is what should be done
By one who is skilled in goodness,
And who knows the path of peace:
Let them be able and upright,
Straightforward and gentle in speech.
Humble and not conceited,
Contented and easily satisfied.
Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways.
Peaceful and calm, and wise and skillful,
Not proud and demanding in nature.
Let them not do the slightest thing
That the wise would later reprove.
Wishing: In gladness and in saftey,
May all beings be at ease.
Whatever living beings there may be;
Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none,
The great or the mighty, medium, short or small,
The seen and the unseen,
Those living near and far away,
Those born and to-be-born,
May all beings be at ease!
Let none deceive another,
Or despise any being in any state.
Let none through anger or ill-will
Wish harm upon another.
Even as a mother protects with her life
Her child, her only child,
So with a boundless heart
Should one cherish all living beings:
Radiating kindness over the entire world
Spreading upwards to the skies,
And downwards to the depths;
Outwards and unbounded,
Freed from hatred and ill-will.
Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down
Free from drowsiness,
One should sustain this recollection.
This is said to be the sublime abiding.
By not holding to fixed views,
The pure-hearted one, having clarity of vision,
Being freed from all sense desires,
Is not born again into this world.