The past couple of weeks I have suffered from the worst case of writer’s block I can remember in a while. But if I’m going to be truthful, it’s not really writer’s block as much as it is a blocked heart. Things have been difficult and I don’t like sharing things that hurt me, though for much of this year I have pushed past the discomfort and shared anyway. I think that’s what I must do now.
There is an old saying that nice guys (and girls, I assume) finish last. I’m starting to wonder if that is fundamentally true. I mean seriously, look at the U.S. economy right now. The vast majority of people who are suffering from the recession are not ones who have done bad things and are now paying the price. Most of the people who have been hurt are the hard-working, middle-class, salt of the earth types. Nice guys.
Without going into too much detail about my life, I will say that I don’t feel like I have done anything to deserve to be in the position I find myself in currently. I worked hard, managed to get an education against the odds, and have generally been a good person. I help people whenever I can, I am kind, and I genuinely wish good things for my fellow humans, even the ones who do not return the sentiment. If I am walking the straight and narrow path, why do I find myself barely able to get by and seemingly always in need of something?
Things have been bumpy since I graduated from law school, but in May 2009, it was like the universe sent a wrecking ball through my life and I have been struggling to get back on my feet ever since. One step forward and two steps back. It’s happened several times in recent years. It’s not that I’m going to give up, that’s just not my style, but I am truly weary of having to pick myself up, dust myself off and start over…and over.
I’m not suggesting I am more deserving of an easier time than anyone else, but I do feel undeserving of the hardship I have endured the past few years. And the really shitty part is, I believe in my heart that dwelling on it and feeling sorry for myself is not the right way to approach this, but at the same time, I don’t know how to feel, think, or act to turn things around. The fact that I get up every day and do the things I need to do to move forward is a small miracle in light of how monumental the tasks feel most days. I could give in to the black cloud that threatens to consume me at every turn, but what good would that do me or the people I care about? Not much.
So I get up every morning, get dressed, drink my coffee, and hope for good news, but so far none has been forthcoming. I need a job desperately. Every day that goes by with me not working my family moves a little closer to the edge and it’s very scary.
And to top it off, I’m lonely. I keep to myself most of the time because I don’t want to share the things that are troubling me. People have their own problems and don’t need to hear about mine. And yet, my problems are all I can think about most days. So much so that I haven’t even been able to distract myself with books or writing. Some days all I can do is sleep as much as possible to avoid thinking. It really doesn’t feel great, but I don’t know any other way to avoid sitting around feeling like shit about things.
I have worked hard all my life. It doesn’t make sense that I am having such difficulty finding a job. I also do not understand why I haven’t been able to find the right relationship when I’m not even looking for much. I get that I’m different, but am I really so different that there is nobody else on the earth who gets me? I have never and will never be without suitors, but if I am just going to pass time with someone who doesn’t know me and will never understand or care about the things that matter to me, I might as well have just stayed married.
Welcome to my pity party.
I need to find some inspiration somewhere. No person has ever achieved great things in the face of adversity by sitting around feeling sorry for themselves. Great people endure and overcome. Most of my life has been spent enduring and overcoming odds and obstacles, but at times I have allowed myself to be slowed down and bogged down by sadness and disbelief over what I perceive to be huge burdens the universe is placing on my shoulders. I’m doing my best to carry them gracefully, but I really could use some help. Mostly just reassurance that I’m not all alone would be nice.
What I need is to get out more and see people, even if it’s just for the sake of distraction. Distraction is better than dwelling on negative stuff.
I met a friend for lunch today, which did my soul a world of good. I have plans to meet another friend for happy hour in a couple of days. It’s a good start. Many people care about me and if any of them knew I was suffering like this, they would be trying to help. Perhaps it’s time for me to do the thing I find most difficult in life–show some weakness.
Now that I have spilled my guts about all that is bothering me, I think I’ll go make a list of the multitude of things for which I am truly grateful. First and foremost, I’m still here and I haven’t given up. The light may be dim, but the flame has not gone out. I am looking forward to coming out of this period of darkness and hopefully once again lighting the way for others who feel lost.
I will not finish last. Mark my words. And I will still be a nice person. It cannot be otherwise. It just can’t.