Our daily bread

The past week has been amazing. A phone call yesterday resulted in my return to the world of the fully employed. I am so grateful.

Life is shaping me into a person of strong faith and it’s an amazing thing to watch. Seeing beauty emerge from one’s own suffering is the true gift of perseverance. It’s about remaining present no matter what arises. That is the hardest obstacle we face as humans, experiencing life’s harshness without turning away. Looking straight into the eyes of the enemy and refusing to back down. And the thing is, I have finally figured out how to do this while having compassion for myself. I am finally starting to believe that I am as worthy of having good things as anyone I would wish them for. That’s a big lesson for me. To finally see the end of needing to constantly punish myself for who knows what and walking around feeling like a monumental failure. I think I’m done with it, at least for now.

In the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus teaches us to request what we need daily, which I believe means constantly throughout the day. But Jesus doesn’t teach us to seek assurance beyond the now. He says: Give us THIS day our daily bread. Not next week’s bread or ten years’ from now. Seek what you need in any given moment, knowing the moment is constantly changing.

When I look back over the past couple of months of job searching, I see that part of the daily bread was a trail of crumbs to help me find my way on the path.

A couple of weeks ago I had an interview, but until yesterday had heard nothing. Because it was my most concrete potential for a job, I was starting to worry more with each passing day. But the one thing I did differently this time is that I allowed the worry to flow through me rather than trying to fight or correct it. Whenever I would worry I would also turn the burden over to God because worry is not a productive part of receiving. Each time I did this I immediately received a sign that things were going the right direction and would be fine.

I went to sleep saying affirmations a couple of nights ago, both in my mind and whispered aloud. I affirmed that God supplies me unfailingly and that the next day I would receive a phone call with a job offer. That is precisely what happened.

Sometimes I can feel that my words have power. This is one of those times.

If God is throwing you crumbs when you asked for an entire loaf, consider that the crumbs may be the trail that leads you where you need to go.

Stuck

The past couple of weeks I have suffered from the worst case of writer’s block I can remember in a while. But if I’m going to be truthful, it’s not really writer’s block as much as it is a blocked heart. Things have been difficult and I don’t like sharing things that hurt me, though for much of this year I have pushed past the discomfort and shared anyway. I think that’s what I must do now.

There is an old saying that nice guys (and girls, I assume) finish last.  I’m starting to wonder if that is fundamentally true. I mean seriously, look at the U.S. economy right now. The vast majority of people who are suffering from the recession are not ones who have done bad things and are now paying the price. Most of the people who have been hurt are the hard-working, middle-class, salt of the earth types. Nice guys.

Without going into too much detail about my life, I will say that I don’t feel like I have done anything to deserve to be in the position I find myself in currently. I worked hard, managed to get an education against the odds, and have generally been a good person. I help people whenever I can, I am kind, and I genuinely wish good things for my fellow humans, even the ones who do not return the sentiment. If I am walking the straight and narrow path, why do I find myself barely able to get by and seemingly always in need of something?

Things have been bumpy since I graduated from law school, but in May 2009, it was like the universe sent a wrecking ball through my life and I have been struggling to get back on my feet ever since. One step forward and two steps back. It’s happened several times in recent years. It’s not that I’m going to give up, that’s just not my style, but I am truly weary of having to pick myself up, dust myself off and start over…and over.

I’m not suggesting I am more deserving of an easier time than anyone else, but I do feel undeserving of the hardship I have endured the past few years. And the really shitty part is, I believe in my heart that dwelling on it and feeling sorry for myself is not the right way to approach this, but at the same time, I don’t know how to feel, think, or act to turn things around. The fact that I get up every day and do the things I need to do to move forward is a small miracle in light of how monumental the tasks feel most days. I could give in to the black cloud that threatens to consume me at every turn, but what good would that do me or the people I care about? Not much.

So I get up every morning, get dressed, drink my coffee, and hope for good news, but so far none has been forthcoming. I need a job desperately. Every day that goes by with me not working my family moves a little closer to the edge and it’s very scary.

And to top it off, I’m lonely. I keep to myself most of the time because I don’t want to share the things that are troubling me. People have their own problems and don’t need to hear about mine. And yet, my problems are all I can think about most days. So much so that I haven’t even been able to distract myself with books or writing. Some days all I can do is sleep as much as possible to avoid thinking. It really doesn’t feel great, but I don’t know any other way to avoid sitting around feeling like shit about things.

I have worked hard all my life. It doesn’t make sense that I am having such difficulty finding a job. I also do not understand why I haven’t been able to find the right relationship when I’m not even looking for much. I get that I’m different, but am I really so different that there is nobody else on the earth who gets me? I have never and will never be without suitors, but if I am just going to pass time with someone who doesn’t know me and will never understand or care about the things that matter to me, I might as well have just stayed married.

Welcome to my pity party.

I need to find some inspiration somewhere. No person has ever achieved great things in the face of adversity by sitting around feeling sorry for themselves. Great people endure and overcome. Most of my life has been spent enduring and overcoming odds and obstacles, but at times I have allowed myself to be slowed down and bogged down by sadness and disbelief over what I perceive to be huge burdens the universe is placing on my shoulders. I’m doing my best to carry them gracefully, but I really could use some help. Mostly just reassurance that I’m not all alone would be nice.

What I need is to get out more and see people, even if it’s just for the sake of distraction. Distraction is better than dwelling on negative stuff.

I met a friend for lunch today, which did my soul a world of good. I have plans to meet another friend for happy hour in a couple of days. It’s a good start. Many people care about me and if any of them knew I was suffering like this, they would be trying to help. Perhaps it’s time for me to do the thing I find most difficult in life–show some weakness.

Now that I have spilled my guts about all that is bothering me, I think I’ll go make a list of the multitude of things for which I am truly grateful. First and foremost, I’m still here and I haven’t given up. The light may be dim, but the flame has not gone out. I am looking forward to coming out of this period of darkness and hopefully once again lighting the way for others who feel lost.

I will not finish last. Mark my words. And I will still be a nice person. It cannot be otherwise. It just can’t.

All things possible

“Love means to love that which is unlovable, or it is no virtue at all; forgiving means to pardon the unpardonable, or it is no virtue at all; faith means believing the unbelievable, or it is no virtue at all; And to hope means hoping when things are hopeless, or it is no virtue at all.“  ~ Jhem Marquez

I found that quote on Facebook and really like it, but when I started thinking about it, I thought of these words by the Beatles:

“There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done. Nothing you can sing that can’t be sung. Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game, It’s easy. There’s nothing you can make that can’t be made. No one you can save that can’t be saved. Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time – It’s easy.” (All You Need Is Love)

If I apply the Beatles’ logic to that quote I find:

• There is no such thing as unlovable if it’s even possible you can love.
• There is no such thing as unforgivable if it’s even possible you can forgive.
• There is no such thing as unbelievable if it’s even possible you can believe.
• And there is no such thing as hopeless if it’s even possible to hope.

As much as I like the quote from Facebook, I have to go with John Lennon on this one.

Things are looking up

I’m feeling pretty thankful tonight. Something has finally shifted in my romantic life. Not a huge shift, but there is movement and that is progress I haven’t felt in a while.

Just over 2 years ago my heart was broken by a person I had spent 3.5 years of my life with in the closest, most intimate relationship I had ever been in. I was left wondering and still wonder at times what happened. He has never explained and has never spoken to me again despite my attempts to find closure so I could move on with my life.

Before I even had a chance to get over that one I met someone I felt like I had spent many lifetimes with and though our relationship remained platonic, I found myself in love with this person. It’s been a year since I last saw him and he also left me with a lot of questions about what happened and why he disappeared so suddenly.

These two relationships destroyed my self-confidence and I have spent most of the last two years trying to feel okay again.

The shift started at the new job. There is a guy there who is nerdy and adorable and I like him. Doesn’t matter if anything ever comes of it, the fact that I have a little crush is huge for me. It just doesn’t happen that often. I don’t connect with people that easily, but I definitely feel an attraction to this cute guy at my job. This makes me so happy.

I don’t know if finding someone cute opened my mind to possibilities, but just today I was contacted by three cute guys over the online dating site. One of them is more than just cute, he’s gorgeous…14 years younger than me…and I don’t even care! Normally I would rule him out immediately because of his age, but when I saw his pictures my age cut off went straight out the window.

I feel so happy and grateful that this area of my life is moving again. I have felt stuck for so long and I started to worry that I was going to spend the rest of my life pining over my friend. I miss him, but now I know I can move on. I’m so relieved I can’t even adequately express it.

Life feels a little sparkly and magical right now. I plan to enjoy this fully.

Eyes (and heart) open

Do ya hate it when you believe someone cares about you then when circumstances demand a review it looks like maybe they never did?  You know, when you go back and look at every kindness and ask what was that if it wasn’t genuine? Personally, I loathe those moments. It is one of my least favorite things to feel that kind of profound disappointment in a fellow human, especially one I thought highly of.

When I start to see that someone might  not be who I thought they were, I feel foolish. From time to time my intuition fails me. Or I fail it more likely.

I’m in that questioning phase about someone I care about. I’ll continue to care once I sort this all out, but right now I am trying to figure out if this person was playing with my feelings or whether he was unintentionally careless.  As I watch this person drift farther and farther out of my life, I find myself thinking that if things are as they seem, it’s best we go our separate ways. That makes me a little sad, I must admit.

How hard can it be to forgive a person who might not be exactly who I thought they were, but who is still among the most amazing and kind people I have ever met? Before I even get started, I know all is forgiven. This process of discernment concerns only whether I continue to hope for his return.

All of this arises because a little while ago I asked myself what if I never get over my fear of being hurt and it causes me to remain alone the rest of my life? Could happen. It’s a risk to trust or care about someone as much as I did the last time. The idea of having my heart broken that badly ever again is still too big a challenge for me. And I’m not sure how long it’s going to take before I stop feeling that way.

One thing is for certain, I will never move forward enough to know if I don’t let go of the people from the past and get on with my life. I am not waiting for anything or anybody. If anyone from the past is meant to be in my future, they’ll show back up no matter what I’m doing, so there’s nothing holding me back.

Now that I’m working again, I am downtown every day. There are a lot of cute guys in Portland and many of them are downtown during the lunch hour. If the sun ever comes out, this could end up being a pretty great Summer.

The really good day

What a day today was.  The first interview I have had all year and actually, for many years.  The past several years I have gotten most of my jobs by word of mouth.  Somebody knows about some project I have done and they call me when they need help or tell someone else about me and give my phone number.  It’s been pretty great.  I have gotten to help some of my law school friends because I was available at times they needed someone reliable.

The interview went really well.  Interviews are one of my strengths.  I don’t get nervous and I am almost never intimidated.  To me they are fun conversations with people.  This was a group interview in which I and 4 other people all competing for the same job are interviewed together and asked the same questions.  Kinda like Miss America, only with one male contestant.

The group thing worked well for me.  I do well in groups.

I really spent some time gearing up for this thing.  I started taking extra special good care of my skin and after going a whole week without makeup, my skin looked amazing.  I have also been applying vitamin E oil twice a day.  That stuff is like a miracle in a bottle.  And it’s super cheap.  It cost like $3.00.  Vitamin E might be the thing I use on my face for the rest of my life.  It has healing properties.  If you want glowing skin, you should try it.

So something went really right today.  I felt good about myself and I knew I looked good and it brought out the sparkly in my personality.  That is the part of me people seem to really like.

Hopeful.

In other news, I’ve been thinking about a guy lately.  It’s nothing new, it’s my friend that I had a crush on for so long.  He is so awesome.  He is a very gentle, kind person who sees good in everyone.  We communicated a bit a few days ago.  He is always amazed at my loyalty toward him and the things I say to him.  It doesn’t amaze me at all.  I simply adore him and I always will.  Blessings and affirmations just come flowing out of me whenever I have any contact with him.  I’m that way with everyone to a degree, but he brings out the absolute best of who I am. He helped me see the most lovely part of myself, by seeing it himself and then telling me what he saw in me.

“Because your heart is so beautiful, everything looks beautiful to you.” ~Japanese proverb

That might be my favorite quote in the world.  Very close anyway.  There are some lovely ones by Hafiz and Rumi, but this one just brings such joy to me when I read or think about it.  It really speaks to the interconnectedness of all things and does it in such a poignant manner.

I’m so grateful to have love in my heart.  I’m grateful to have this special place in my heart for someone who more quickly than anyone ever has, became very dear to me. And I’m glad that he is beautiful and good and kind.

It feels like everything is going to be fine.  It was one of those kinds of days.  They are such a welcome respite from the anxiety and worry.  I went out in the world and did my thing and I still have a magic touch when it comes to people.  That makes me happy.

I’m going to sleep really well tonight.

At a loss

Sometimes people talk about how life changes in the blink of an eye and how we should appreciate everyone and everything in our lives because it could all be lost suddenly.  I get that, especially in the case of losing someone suddenly and unexpectedly.  Twelve years ago I experienced that when my sister died.

I’m going to get this out and then try to redirect my thoughts because dwelling on things like loss can set a person up to experience more loss and I truly wish to turn things around and experience abundance and joy, not loss and grief.

I’ll start by saying that something happened last night to trigger the way I am feeling, although I take full responsibility for all of the thoughts that I have been entertaining that have hurt so badly.  I wish I knew why I have to beat myself up emotionally or find someone to do it for me, but I see a pattern here.

This is very likely the dark before the dawn and I suspect that’s why it’s so painful.

I have been looking back over my life and wondering why I would have signed up for this particular assignment.  I believe in reincarnation and I lean towards the belief that we decide before we incarnate what lessons we will learn and which people we will be close to.

My life thus far has been a huge challenge.  Just surviving childhood felt like a miracle.  However, surviving is one thing, learning the lessons required for course correction is another thing entirely.  That is what is bringing me so much pain right now.

Perhaps I’m trying too hard.  It wouldn’t be the first time, but I cannot seem to unlock the lessons that will completely set me free from my past.  I’ll give myself a bit of credit and say that I feel like I have put many things behind me, like the abusive situation I grew up in.  But is it really behind me if I continue to manifest situations and people who support my apparent belief that I am worthless and must be punished?

This blog is my catharsis and I hope nobody is put off by my honesty here.  I don’t really have any people in my life right now other than my kids so I don’t have very many places to unload my thoughts and I don’t talk to anyone.  My life has never been so devoid of friends and yet, I think this is meant to happen this way and I am willing to see how it unfolds.  That is not to say that I feel bleak about the future or I think it’s going to stay like this.  It’s not like that at all.  I see a future filled with friends and people, but right now I have to do this.

One of the analogies that pops into my mind about all of this is an example from the Bible.  The one where Jesus is in the garden the night before his crucifixion and he is praying and asking God to remove this cup, but that he will drink from the cup if it is God’s will.  This symbolism applies to anyone who is facing something difficult that they are not sure they have the strength to endure.  I have felt this way a lot in my life.  When life hands us challenges, we are asked to take them on and to essentially crucify the person we used to be so that the person we are supposed to become can be resurrected.

The reason I have been having a hard time is because the old me and my old life is dying.  It’s okay, I had lessons to learn and I am looking forward to whatever is next in my life.  Sometimes though, I look back over my life and see that there has been a lot of loss and sadness for someone my age.  My whole life has been filled with it whereas I know people not much younger than me who have never lost anyone close and haven’t had too many things go dreadfully wrong in life.  It boggles my mind sometimes.

There are a couple of things I need to remember.  One is that nothing is permanent, not even suffering.  And that love is eternal.  People come and go, things come and go, but the love we experience never goes away.  That is why at the end of the day, love is the only thing that matters.  My purpose is to love, to give it and receive it and do my best to keep it flowing.  As long as I am doing that, none of the other things I worry about matter at all.

And with that, I am going to go get my hair cut so I can look presentable for the interview tomorrow.  Wish me luck!

When the going gets really tough

So I have a job interview this week.  I really want to go back to work.  I’ve worked since I was a teenager and these periods of unemployment in the past couple of years have been hard.  The big question I am trying to answer without freaking out is: Will this job manifest in time?

I have been doing this for the past couple of months.  Barely a reprieve from worry and yet miracles have been happening pretty consistently.  It’s funny I can see that in retrospect and even sometimes as the miracles are happening, but not when they are on their way.  When I am in waiting mode it feels like nothing will ever get better.

Lately I have been watching more news than I normally do.  I’m feeling ill at ease and sort of helpless, which probably means I shouldn’t be watching the news.  I took a break from most news for a couple of years and I think it was a good decision.  It’s not like I completely trust any news source anyway.

The thing that has me feeling weird lately is the reaction to Osama Bin Laden’s violent demise.  I’m not saying that at this time in history we are not better off without him, it’s just that celebrating a violent murder, even of someone who deserves it, makes me uncomfortable.  I hope to make it clear that I am not condemning anyone for celebrating or saying that those who have suffered from Bin Laden’s actions are not justified in feeling relief.  Celebrating violence  just isn’t my thing.  I remember when people in some parts of the world were celebrating after the 9/11 attacks and that was really upsetting.

With our economy in the state it’s in, I would hope for people to take to the streets in favor of some relief from this oppressive poverty so many of us are struggling with rather than with misguided national pride.  It’s not like most of us did anything to deserve the conditions we find ourselves in, there was a carefully crafted financial coup d’etat (to use the words of Michael Moore) that put us where we are.  And the really creepy thing is that some of the very people who orchestrated the collapse of our economy are now blaming poor people for the current economic situation.

I want to clarify calling what we’re in a recession.  This is a depression, not a recession.  Economists who say otherwise are splitting hairs.  And it stands to get worse between the rising gas prices and the natural disasters destroying crops all over the place.  These are the same kinds of conditions that took place in the 1930′s during the great depression.  For some reason, we’re just better at denying it now and many Americans do not have the reasoning power to see through the charade to recognize how they’ve been duped.

Many of these things I have been saying for a long time to people I know well enough to speak frankly with.  There is something sinister going on with corporations and their control of the media and the political process in this country.  There is a reason certain diseases are becoming so prevalent and why others are not being cured as quickly as they should.  Anyone who watches television is bombarded with messages telling them how sick they are and how all the drugs they have been taking for these illnesses are surely not working so they should add new ones.  It’s pretty disgusting.  And that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what I’m talking about.

Sometimes it makes me nervous to watch television because even though I have a fairly high level of awareness and control over my mind, it can’t be good to have those intentions coming at me and my kids.  We are healthy and I mean to keep it that way.

This has turned into a rant.  I’m not sure if that’s a good thing, but it’s how I’ve been feeling lately.  I don’t insist I’m right about any of this, lest I offend anyone, but I have frustrations and I would like to see some of these things improve.  John Lennon once said: Today America is the Roman Empire and New York is Rome itself.  True enough, but that might not be a good thing.  Just sayin’…

One of the things I have been wanting to write more about is how challenging it can be to live in this world after a spiritual awakening.  It’s something I have seen a few people write about in blogs, but there isn’t a whole lot of information out there that addresses this.  When a person awakens and recognizes the truth of unity, it makes it impossible to live life as it was lived before that realization.

There’s more to it than that (full post forthcoming), but the shift in perspective is one that can rock the foundation of one’s beliefs and after that it takes a while to figure things out.  There was a time when it was much easier for me to hate and blame others.  Now I realize the futility of that.  But at the same time, like the above rant I just wrote, sometimes the truth needs to be expressed, even when it’s ugly.

No matter what we choose to do, whether we choose to watch news or not, blame or not blame, whatever, it needs to be done with love.  It’s the only way things will ever improve in a lasting way.  As I often say: we are all in this together.  The golden rule is not just good manners, it is our salvation.  Do what ya gotta do, but do it in love.  Love will never steer you wrong.  At least real love won’t.

Saint Augustine said:

“Once for all, then, a short precept is given thee: Love, and do what thou wilt: whether thou hold thy peace, through love hold thy peace; whether thou cry out, through love cry out; whether thou correct, through love correct; whether thou spare, through love do thou spare: let the root of love be within, of this root can nothing spring but what is good.”

Resilience

It’s amazing how much mental health improves after going for a walk.  It seems like a cruel irony that people suffering from depression often can’t find the motivation to do the very things that will help.

I know I said I was going to make this blog more positive and I promise I’m doing my best, but some days it’s an uphill battle to keep thinking positively in the face of things going wrong for such a long time.  And honestly, I feel like it should be okay for people to express realistically what is going on in their lives so they can acknowledge it and move on.  We can’t fix what we don’t acknowledge and that is a lot of the reason I have been so up front about my situation.

I want to clarify what I’m talking about because there are a couple of dynamics going on that keep me pretty unsure whether I should share my struggles publicly.

First, there is the shame that comes along with being in the situation I am in.  It’s the kind of thing that can keep people using credit cards after they have accumulated more debt than they can possibly pay back.  It can also make people present a false image of success.  Many people do not truly own most of what they are presenting as the symbols of their success, meaning cars, clothes, jewelry, houses, etc.  So, what we tend to idolize in American society is a false illusion.

Second, there is the tendency for people to complain bitterly about insignificant things.  Our culture collectively whines when we don’t have a fast enough computer or the latest phone or some other small thing is not going our way.  So, even our propensity to complain is illusory because people incessantly gripe about things that are not real problems.  Thus, when people have actual problems, sometimes it cannot be distinguished from the general clamor of dissatisfaction that seems to permeate our existence.

Neither one of these is what I am referring to when I write about being realistic because neither one of the above scenarios is acknowledging and taking responsibility for the reality of one’s circumstances, in my opinion.

The biggest part of what’s bothering me right now is that I feel like I have legitimate concerns over things like having enough money to live and how to take care of the basics of life for me and my kids, but at the same time I feel like I should not give power to those thoughts.  I also worry that by identifying them as concerns I may be solidifying something I do not want in my life.

Recently I found a self-help book that encourages looking at things realistically.  The book is It’s Not the End of the World: Developing Resilience in Times of Change by Joan Borysenko.  I have to say, for the first time in a while I didn’t feel guilty while reading a self-help book.

The author identifies the three main characteristics of resilient people.  And thankfully, I feel like I possess all of them.  So there is hope for me yet.  The first of the three characteristics was realistic optimism.  Apparently in studies, people who were realistically optimistic were shown to be more resilient than pessimists or positive/wishful thinkers.  This was really good news for me, seriously.

The reason this made me happy is that a certain amount of dwelling on my circumstances seems to help motivate me to make changes.  It’s a fine line, but I try to stay on this side of despair.  I can’t say what I go through is comfortable, but it beats looking for people and things to blame.

I’m just ready for some stability.  I need a buffer between me and the harshness of the world.  I have an understanding of how hard it is for most people to get by these days, but ultimately, I do not think the world is better served by me remaining in poverty.  The amount of energy I spend worrying about how to meet immediate and basic needs could be much better spent helping others get out of tough circumstances.  That’s why I feel so frustrated sometimes.

My entire career has been about service and helping people.  And in those situations where that wasn’t the main focus of my job, I made it the focus.  I have brought heart to every job I have ever had, by caring and being determined to do the right thing in all circumstances.  Hopefully, my willingness to do any job will bring something soon.  At this point, I really don’t care what I do as long as I can earn enough money to live.  Once I reach that goal then I will worry about the next career move.

Something has to give.  It’s time.  I have applied for many, many jobs of all different types.  Someone has to want to hire me

If you’re listening God, I’m ready.  Just sayin’…

I started this post yesterday and since then have entertained the idea of putting a donate button on this blog.  It feels a little weird, but at what point does a person let go of pride and do things they wouldn’t normally do, just to survive?  If I do decide to add a donate button to my blog, I will take it down as soon as I have a job and get back on my feet.  As much as I need help right now, I know there are a lot of other people in need as well and I’d like to spend more time thinking of them and less time worrying about my own stuff.  To be fair to myself, I currently spend time each day thinking about and sending blessings to the rest of the world.

I’m sure it will all be fine eventually.  The sooner, the better.