Lucid dreams

I want to do some research on lucid dreaming. I have had several experiences with it and I would like to know how a person can use this phenomenon to empower themselves in their waking life. The experiences are so remarkable that I have a hard time believing they are not some link or portal between dimensions. It definitely feels that way.

My most recent lucid dream was during an afternoon nap a couple of days ago. I dreamed about my ex-boyfriend. It felt like he was actually there. In the dream we were outside and I was wearing his coat. And it was quite specifically his coat, the one he wore the entire time we were together. Having worn this coat before, I am familiar with how it feels, the fabric, the lining, the exact weight of it, how big it was, and how small I felt wearing it.

So in this dream we were walking outside and when we reached his destination, I was preparing to give his coat back. Suddenly I could feel the coat. All the things I described about it, I could feel them in my dream. I could also feel the cool Fall air. Then I had this insight, in the dream, about how amazing it was I could feel these sensations while I was dreaming. I had full awareness that I was dreaming while it was happening! It was really enjoyable for those moments before I woke up. The dream itself was happy and pleasant and the moment of realization was gentle and comforting. When I felt myself wearing the coat in the dream, I remembered how safe I always felt with this person. I think the coat symbolizes feeling protected by him. It was a lovely experience.

The last time I had a lucid dream was several months ago. I can’t remember the dream other than I remember being outside, but I remember questioning my lucidity.

Someone told me that sleep paralysis and false awakening, which in my experience are very frightening, are related to lucid dreaming. If that is so, it makes sense. I’ve experienced both repeatedly and they feel similar to the lucid dream, only scary. I feel like I have been developing this ability for years. And it is sort of seems like a natural by-product of my spiritual practices, which is so great.

The thing I discovered a couple of days ago is that lucid dreams have the power to heal. It seems to be an opportunity to revisit things that bother us. For me, any time I can have a happy memory of my ex-boyfriend, it’s a good thing. Because aside from his lack of skill in ending relationships, he was one of the most lovely people I have ever known. Smart, kind, loyal, protective, and affectionate. Those are the memories I want to take forward with me, not the painful stuff. It felt like the dream helped me move in that direction.

This presents me with a most interesting opportunity. If we can manage our thoughts and emotions during our dreams and then feel a tangible difference in our perspective during full wakefulness, the consequences could be huge.

I’m very interested in learning more and knowing others’ experience with this phenomenon.

Writing from the heart

Blogging is complicated. I have been doing it seriously and religiously since the beginning of this year and have learned one very important thing: I never want to stop writing, ever.

When I started this blog about a year ago, I was totally ignorant of most of the technical and aesthetic aspects of blogging. A year later, better, but still no expert. I’ll get there.

Watching this blog develop slowly has been a great blessing. I can look back over my year and see what happened in my life and what and how I chose to share. This gives me insight into myself and my motivations.

I truly believe that choosing to heal one’s wounds publicly, if done in a helpful way, can help others heal as well.

In the coming year I intend to develop technical expertise and a clear sense of direction for this blog. Not that there is no place in the reading world for meandering, stream of consciousness writing. And that may be the way it turns out, we’ll see. My goal is to make it easier to read. I know what my basic message is–it’s about hope, joy, compassion, humor and love. Beyond that I just write whatever pops into my head. I rarely know more than a day in advance what I’ll be writing about.

I’m sure the answer to the question of direction lies somewhere in the middle. Being more organized never hurts, but it’s important to remain flexible. If I were to write only on scheduled, prescribed topics, it would take much of the joy out of the practice. And it likely wouldn’t sound much like the real me. Being able to pop open a computer and share the contents of my mind with the entire world is pretty great. I’m a better person for having written this blog, that much I know.

The other thing I know is that there is no need to rush to accomplish anything in particular, we have all the time in the world.

May the coming weeks and months bring clarity and the power of love to this blog. May I choose thoughts and words that will rain down blessings on us all. May I write from the purest place in my heart.

Amen

Peaceful, gentle, calm

It may be human nature in general, I’m not sure, but I have noticed that many people only stop complaining about the small things when there are bigger things to complain about. This applies to me as much as anyone, so the intention is not to criticize, it’s merely an observation.

Are we hardwired to worry? Is this the inescapable burden of suffering that we are given during this human experience?

A big part of my spiritual growth the past several years has been learning to stop sweating the small stuff and allowing myself to enjoy life. Some of it involves letting go of the negativity that I grew up with. Though they did their best and most likely did much better than their own parents, my parents taught their kids that the world is basically an unsafe place and that everyone is a potential threat so it is necessary to be on guard constantly. Because of the physical abuse that was also a part of my experience, I am guarded a lot of the time and try to stay at least a step ahead of whatever could go wrong. My biggest obstacles in life have been overcoming a general lack of trust and having to fight my nature to stay in the present moment so I can experience joy.

It’s not that I think I am particularly unique in these ways. In fact, the more I learn about life, the more I discover we are all here to learn the same lessons, it’s all a matter of degree. Some of us have big lessons to learn and some of us have small ones. But they are the same in that ultimately we are all here to learn how to love as unconditionally as possible and how to live in harmony.

I have been listening to a lecture by Pema Chodron in which she comments on a chapter of the book The Way of the Bodhisattva by Shantideva. It’s a book I have not read, but now feel that I must. Part of the chapter deals with developing bodhichitta, which though hard for me to describe fully, basically means having a sense of good will toward everything. This is such an important part of why I am on this planet and I wish to cultivate this quality in myself.

To the greatest degree possible, I wish to live the rest of my life doing as little harm as possible. That is not to say my intention has ever been to cause harm, it hasn’t, but until recent years I did not have a specific intention to do no harm.

The thing that most challenges me is keeping things in perspective, staying focused on the bigger picture, the grander scheme of things, while dealing with the minutiae of day-to-day reality. I believe I get better at it all the time, but it remains the most difficult thing I deal with. At least it gives me something to aspire to.

The bodhisattva vows to reincarnate until all souls are awakened. That is such a beautiful concept. To me it is the same as a savior who gives his life to pay for others’ sins.

I believe sins are merely mistakes we make when we don’t have the knowledge or ability to do any better.

Every time we choose to forgive, overlook a mistake, or treat someone with kindness and gentleness, we are saving each other. People are naturally hard on themselves. It comes from believing lies that have been around since the beginning of time. Nobody needs to have their flaws pointed out, but most people could use a little reassurance that they really are doing okay.

Those who find fault in others are looking outward for answers that can only be found within. Ultimately, we really are all looking for the same thing, love.

The great news is that we can help each other by developing the qualities of forgiveness, compassion, kindness and unconditional love.

I had to spend two years in near total solitude to figure some of this stuff out, but it has been the greatest gift I have ever received.

“Out of a shattered open heart springs a fountain of fiery sacred passion that will never run dry.” ~Rumi

Isn’t it ironic that the way to this place is through the dark valley of heartbreak?

We should all take a breather from worry and complaining about minutiae whenever possible. If we find more moments free of those things, the world will be a much more gentle place.  It’s a strong argument for meditation and prayer.

It is my wish that more people find ways to set aside worry and find the joy in even the most mundane moments because, when you think about it, each one is truly a miracle.

Blogging: Cheaper than therapy

This might be a female thing, but I realized this morning just how guilty I feel whenever I make a decision in favor of my own happiness. If I decide to do or not do something because I know it would make me feel better or even make things a little easier for me, I feel like I have done something wrong and need to redeem myself in some way.

Some of these habits of are the result of the abusive childhood I experienced. As I recognize these things I let them go, which is good. But there are so many things that are subtle and insidious playing in the background unnoticed until something triggers them strongly enough that they can be ignored no longer.

What is to be gained from behaving like a martyr? The perspective that leads to this syndrome is messed up. I believe it stems from having one’s needs ignored in favor of accommodating a selfish parent or parents. Kids living in volatile situations learn very early that their only real need is survival. Every severely dysfunctional family has its own dynamic and prevailing messages. The one I grew up in taught me: 1) Do not want anything for yourself; 2) Be afraid all the time; 3) Don’t rock the boat; and 4) Be ashamed, always. There were other messages, but those are some of the big ones. The biggest (and most damaging) was probably: You are not loved or lovable and never will be.

Interestingly, I do not feel badly when I write about this stuff. It used to hurt and I used to feel ashamed for even sharing it. Now it just seems like a fact of history, nothing I need to carry negative feelings about. Now it’s all about making connections and correcting thinking.

The reason I share this process is I know I am not alone. I write out of the gut feeling that I am not the only one who thinks the things I think. For one, it’s not possible for me to be the only one. We are all one, so whatever I am dealing with comes from the universal experience. I am drawing my experience from the collective. If my words turn a light on for anyone, then it’s worth it.

Every time I post a blog it makes me feel vulnerable and a little scared. But something in me tells me that it’s more important for me to write than to feel insulated from potential judgment. Especially when I consider that I know of nobody who can judge me more harshly than I have judged myself.

I am the only person in my family who has sought help reconciling the events of childhood with the reality of needing to function well in the world. That makes me sad. Something that makes me even sadder is that my own sister recently told me that what we went through wasn’t that bad. And yet one does not have to be a psychiatrist to look at the devastation that has manifested in the lives of every member of my family to see that suppressing it is not working. Twelve years ago one of my sisters died at a young age from cancer. I am certain she got sick from carrying the toxic waste that was our childhood inside her for too long. I don’t want to die young, so I am releasing the poison now while I am healthy.

Day by day I am learning to value and trust myself. I am a good person. I do not make decisions out of desire to hurt anyone. I have found the well-spring of love in my heart, so I can go forth in confidence knowing that my intentions, and therefore my actions, will produce only good.

Screw feeling guilty. It’s a trap of the ego meant to keep people afraid and unable to see their greatness.

This has been an interesting journey writing this blog. Being truthful publicly is amazingly healing. I truly believe that when a wounded person chooses to heal openly, someone will be helped by it. All it takes is one to make it worthwhile.

Giving thanks to God for the gifts of healing, love and forgiveness that have blessed my existence and enabled me to share the truest part of myself.

Unjamming the signal

Why do I have to learn over and over and over that if I don’t take care of myself, day-to-day life will quickly overwhelm me? This is one of the things that frustrates me about myself and one of the reasons I feel like I’m still spiritually immature. As soon as I get tired or stressed, I stop doing the things that keep me on an even keel. Meditation becomes a rushed, half-hearted activity, distractions become very, very attractive and I just want to sleep.

The thing that this new job has shown me is that I leave myself way too open to other people’s energy and need to find ways to better protect myself. I am not without resources in this area, I have learned and been taught many ways to anchor myself and how to surround myself in protective energy. When I have a lot of information coming at me I sometimes forget to use the tools I have at my disposal.

As I learn and grow spiritually it takes me less and less time to remember that I am not a slave to my thoughts and feelings, but sometimes it seems like I have to suffer a bit before I remember that I have control over that. I think the reason it takes a while for the message to get my attention is that now, being around a lot of people again, I am picking up so much more information than I ever have before and the energy that is coming at me is overwhelming. One of the biggest things that has come out of my awakening is hypersensitivity. My intuitive power has increased exponentially during the time I have spent in meditation and contemplation the past couple of years.

There is more than one facet to raising one’s intuition. It’s a great gift to be able to know things unspoken, but empathic people need to figure out when it’s time to pull back or let go.

In this past 10 days of working I have been picking up on people’s insecurities, burdens and energy needs. I’ve always been able to sense what people want and/or expect from me, which is helpful. When you grow up the way I did, that ability can make the difference between life and death. I say that without exaggeration.

As this ability has increased in me, I am able to tell exactly what burdens people are carrying in their hearts. That is not a bad thing. I have a compassionate heart and I can think of no better way to use the energy that is flowing through me than to offer a little understanding to a weary traveler. Like a sip of cool water on a hot day.

I am very thankful that I have this gift, but if I want to keep using it, I need to stay connected to the Source. All I need to do is remember I have support. I may not have family beyond my children or friends who are close right now, but there are people who care and there are angels who love to protect and help me. I need to remember I am not alone.

Today is a day of releasing. Letting go of the energy I picked up during the week. Time to take a moment, think of the people I interacted with during the week, bless their journey and let them go. There may be people who become friends out of this experience, but it’s just as likely I will move on and never know them again. Either way my goal is to leave them better off if I can. God willing.

To do that I need to make sure I have something to offer. I want to present my best self–that’s the one with the power to change the world.

Battery is about 50% recharged. Thank God for Saturday. A day of rest is a holy thing indeed.

Milestones

Today is the birthday of the ex-boyfriend.  It was a beautiful, sunny day, things are calm in my world, everything is falling back into place and there has been little drama.  I took my kids to get their hair cut and they both look really nice.  It was one of the best days of my recent life.

Two years ago on this date, he had been gone a week and in one of the most embarrassing moments of my professional career, I completely lost my composure in front of my new boss.  I had worked for him a couple of months when this happened and the breakup stress had taken such a toll that I just lost it right there in the office.  I was sobbing all over his crisp, white, lawyer shirt.  Thank goodness he didn’t have to be in court, I’m certain I got makeup on his shirt.

I hadn’t been talking to anyone about what was going on and yet it hurt so much that keeping it to myself was stressing me out really badly.  I was barely functioning there for a while.  Looking back, I see what a gift it was I was only working part-time and for someone I had known for several years.  These things do not happen for no reason.

Tonight I was looking at some photos of me on Facebook.  They were from that time and forward.  They tell a story.  There is the one on my birthday at my party, surrounded by friends, yet more miserable than I had been in a very long time.  It almost makes me cry to look at it.  My heart was broken and it showed all over my face.

There is one of me sitting on my friend’s deck at his beach house after birthday party night.  This is another one of those divine providence things.  Right about the time the boyfriend left, I reconnected with one of my close friends from high school.  You know, the kind of friend you are inseparable from and you spend all your time together laughing.  He just happened to be moving to the beach for the summer and had me over frequently for days at a time and we had a really nice time.  I had solitude and quiet and a panoramic view of the Pacific Ocean to heal my soul.  I credit those days with giving me the strength to keep going.

Then there is one taken the day after the 6-month mark of him being gone.  I told myself that after 6 months I must do something to make a change for the positive.  So the day after the 6-month anniversary, I dyed my brunette hair bright red with blonde streaks in it.  It is the most drastic change in appearance I have ever made.  It was very good for me to look nothing like my former self because I felt like that person died that really dark night when I didn’t know if I could keep enduring the pain.   After a short rest, a very determined person emerged.

I’ve had difficult moments since then, but I have mostly stayed strong.  And I am making it.  My little family is happy and we’re working cooperatively to have a nice life together.  I have a job and one that is easy enough that it will leave me enough energy to write some things.  We are going the right direction.  I’m so grateful to be this far away from the pain.

Today was a pretty great day.  I was able to have a quiet moment of wishing in my heart that he has a really nice birthday.  And it didn’t hurt at all.

Thank you, God.

Angel protection

Once in a while I write about my belief in and interaction with angels.  I’m trying to become more comfortable with sharing my experiences because I doubt anyone who would have any interest in reading this blog is going to think poorly of me because of my view on angels.

Earlier this evening I did a full moon meditation guided by Doreen Virtue, a spiritual teacher who only came into my life about a year ago, but has had a huge impact in that short time.  During the meditation she asked several angels to be present.  The meditation was around letting go of that which no longer serves.  Seems like I’ve been doing a lot of that in recent years and yet always have something to let go of.

I felt the presence of the angels as I was doing the meditation.  It was very comforting and helped me to lay down some of the burdens that have been on my mind and heart lately.  As I have been reporting in this blog, I’m not unhappy these days, but I have still felt burdened by uncertainty and stress.

I’m pretty new to angel experiences, so I don’t know yet how to understand and interpret what’s been happening, but there is something that I have noticed as a pattern that I find very interesting that lends a sense of credibility to what I have experienced.

Whenever I have any experience in which I call on the archangel Michael, something amazing happens.  When I ask this wonderful angel for his protection, I feel surrounded by an energy and can sense what feels like wings enfolding me.  It’s so hard for me to explain this to anyone, not only because it is a new experience for me, but I know that everyone experiences things differently so what I am reporting may not make any sense to anyone else.  Oh how I wish to meet more people who understand these things!

The other thing that happens when I feel the presence of this angel is that I start crying uncontrollably.  It is an interesting sensation because it’s not a bad thing.  Even though there is a sadness there, it’s accompanied by a sense of release.  It feels like I finally have the strong shoulder to cry on that I have needed my entire life.  I’ve never really had any person in my life I felt I could lean on or felt comfortable expressing myself emotionally with.  And what these experiences with the angel have felt like is finally being able to let go of all of the stuff from the past with someone who understands and cares and wants to protect me.

My life is changing.  I am leaving behind the person I used to be, the one who so strongly identified with the past and all the things that happened that shouldn’t have happened as well as the things that didn’t happen that I thought should have.

This blog has a lot to do with this transformation.  The things I have shared here I have only recently told to anyone at all.  I spent so much of my life trying to hide the truth because I felt ashamed of the things that happened to me.  It’s only been in the past year that I have openly shared with people some of the details of the abuse that was a part of my early life.  As a result of writing this stuff, I feel like I am finally letting it go and finally able to move on without the baggage.  It’s over and none of it matters anymore.

I feel like I am going to be a much stronger advocate for people who need a protector than I ever have been before.  I have always felt empathy, but I have never been able to share enough of myself to show someone that no matter what happens to us in life, it can be okay.  We can choose to make it okay and by so choosing it is possible to neutralize the damage from those past experiences.

As archangel Michael protects me and provides me with a safe shoulder to cry on, I seek to be that for others.  And though I am not always confident in all areas, I do know this, I am a loyal friend and ally.  Anyone who has ever met me knows that I am strong and confident in my convictions and determination to help and do good.  And I shall.

May angels surround you, protect you, and make you feel as loved as you truly are.