Untethered

As much as I looked forward to putting 2011 behind me, I have to say that 2012 hasn’t been easy thus far. That is not to say that it has been bad. It’s just had some difficult moments already.

On New Year’s day I lost a dear friend. The younger brother of my ex-boyfriend, the opera singer I have written about a few times in this blog. He and I maintained a close friendship after the breakup, which was a little challenging, I will admit, because his brother refused to end the relationship properly in my opinion. One of the reasons I was so persistent in trying to put that relationship to rest with compassion and love is because life does present situations like the death of family members and I was hoping not to reunite with my ex under those kinds of circumstances and I knew that because I love his family and they love me, that the possibility did exist.

So one of my worst case scenarios came true. And it turned out okay. Better than okay really. The moment I saw my ex-boyfriend at the memorial service, I felt the burden of the past couple years lift from my heart. There was forgiveness and that’s all I ever wanted. It was a really beautiful moment that I will treasure for the rest of my life.

The thing that has come back to my mind over and over since the service, which was just over a week ago, is how easily he moved on from our relationship and how I have never been the same since.

It wasn’t actually the relationship that changed me, but the aftermath. It was like he set off a nuclear bomb in my soul and the result was a chain reaction that has affected all of my relationships going forward. Affected meaning that I haven’t really been able to have one with a man since then. Not that it’s a bad thing for a person who had spent nearly every day of their adult life in a marriage or relationship, as I had, to have the opportunity to understand solitude and the beauty of silence.

When I think back to my relationship with the opera singer I see what a high price I paid to have someone in my life. Certainly I loved him, but he drained my heart, mind, soul, and bank account. Just as my marriage had. I left my marriage and I’m glad I did, but with the opera singer, I would have stuck it out much longer if he hadn’t gotten bored. He took everything he could get and then he left.

Anyway, the point of this post is that I have found it very difficult to connect with anyone on an intimate level. I have dated a lot. I even fell in love. But over and over I have consistently picked people I can’t go there with for one reason or another.

In the past week I have very positively interacted with four different men whom I care very much about, including my ex-boyfriend. These connections are very important to me. I have had at least a fleeting romantic interest in each of these people. And one of them I am so crazy about I would surely burst from happiness if we could make a romantic relationship work. The point is, I have these amazing connections and yet, I am lonely and can’t seem to find a relationship based on the deep connections I am able to make. And that bothers me.

The world seems to be saying that it is preferable to have relationships that do not exist in the physical realm. That Facebook is the equivalent of true friendship. I am here to say, for lack of a better term, bullshit.

Several years ago when my sister died, a friend I met at my job and became very close to, came to my sister’s funeral. She sat with me in the private family section. She didn’t even hesitate about going there with me. Her entire purpose in going was to make sure I felt less alone. She held my hand through the service. It was my darkest hour and my friend loved me enough to be physically present to support me. You can’t get that on Facebook.

I’m not looking for someone to change my Facebook relationship status for. I’m looking for someone to be present with. Someone to hold hands with when life feels overwhelming.

It feels like I am at a crossroads. Either get off internet based relationships altogether and go find real, flesh and blood human beings to connect with or get used to the idea that all the support I can look forward to the rest of my life is going to look like this:

The great thing about being at a crossroads is that it forces you to make a choice. Thank goodness for choices.

Why strive?

Lately I have been rethinking a few of my beliefs. Not the big ones like love and forgiveness, but the ones that guide how to direct my energy.

I used to be ambitious about my career and having certain material things. I haven’t completely stopped, but I no longer seek success in things like job titles and the kind of car I drive. This has been a positive change, but one that requires me to choose where to direct the energy that previous went into achieving.

What do I want to accomplish with the time I have left on this earth? And how best do I use the energy that flows through me? These questions have come to me recently courtesy of a new acquaintance.

I met an interesting guy through the internet dating site. I don’t know him very well, but of all of the ones I have met through this medium, he is the most like me spiritually. So far we are different enough to make things interesting. We are good at different things and we have different challenges in life. But we are on the same frequency and seem to have the same basic outlook on life.

One of the great things about getting to know a new person is the self-reflection it requires.

The way in which this person and I are most different is with regard to action. He seems to be a fast mover. I used to be more like he is now, which is easily explained by the difference in our ages, but in the past few years I have intentionally slowed down everything in my life, including my desire to take action.

I’m not saying there is anything wrong with the way he is doing things. On the contrary. The world needs people just like him and getting to know him a little has been a positive experience. He is questioning his role on this planet and talking to him about this causes me to rethink some of my spiritual decisions. Not really in an attempt to change or eliminate them, but just to check in and make sure I’m still going the right direction. It’s a good thing.

One of the things I like about this guy is his level of confidence in himself to engage people. He set up an event on Facebook and invited over 1000 people, and though only a fraction participated, he gathered a group of people together for honorable purposes. It was pretty impressive.

We had a recent conversation about the desire for clarity about ways to take positive action in the world. He desires to do more things to bring people together and spread the message of love. I encouraged him to do it through music, but it could actually be in any number of ways, large or small.

I realized that is where it’s at for me. Making all of life be action toward a greater outcome for all of creation.

Buddhism taught me that change starts within. And I am in control of my experience. The way I will make a positive impact in the world at large is to make a positive impact in my own life.

The reason I chose to slow my life down is so I could have the spaciousness to make decisions that will enhance my personal experience as well as impact every action I take. I figured myself out enough to know that if I want to make a difference, one of the biggest differences I can make is to conduct as much positive energy as possible, and then allocate that energy in such a way that it creates the most good in the world. So far that has been through writing and interpersonal relationships.

I seem to make the greatest impact with individuals and in the workplace. I have addressed small to medium groups verbally with some success as well, but I feel most comfortable with fewer people at a time.

I think I make up for that by pouring out my guts in writing.

Ultimately, I feel good about the path I am on and how I am moving along. That does not mean I am not open to change. And that is the challenge that is issued to each one of us with each and every relationship we develop. Whether it is a 30-second conversation in a coffee shop or a lifelong friendship, the people who come into our lives are mirrors. We are called to have the courage to look into those mirrors and discover ourselves.

It’s hard to say why any particular person shows up in our lives. Maybe I will help my new friend slow down sometimes and he will help me speed up when necessary. I don’t actually know. And I don’t even know if we have enough in common to stay friends, but whatever happens, it will be eye-opening. That much I can already sense.

We never know how long anything will last. The challenge of life is to make every single encounter with every person or creature complete and perfect. If we treat everyone we meet like a loved one we may never see again, magical things can happen.

There really is nothing to strive for outside of ourselves. The keys that unlock the universe are inside.

Open and receptive, let things come.

 

Moment of truth

There is a person I have written about in this blog, a certain friend of mine who drifted out of my life just over a year ago.

Yesterday, out of the blue, he e-mailed me and wanted to get together.

The e-mail elicited a very emotional reaction from me. Only because I adore him completely and I thought I might never see him again.

Earlier today I saw my friend. It made me very happy.

Some people when you are around them you leave feeling really good. He’s one of those people for me. He’s kind and happy, he smiles a lot and he’s beautiful.

In the hours leading up to this meeting I was nervous. I had not seen this person for over a year and we parted under some confusing circumstances. We were facing a moment of truth. One in which we would find out if there was still any spark between us. A lot can change in a year.

We met for coffee today and spent a couple hours catching up. A couple of my favorite hours in recent history.

Turns out I’m still crazy about him and probably always will be. We had a great time today. Lots of laughing and smiles and joyfulness. Thirteen months disappeared as if no time had passed.

Here’s where I am about it all. There is a good chance I am always going to be in love with this guy, but I have no expectation of it ever being more than it is right now. And I’m okay with that.

As I told a friend earlier, given the choice, I’ll take being in love over not any day of the week. It’s the feelings that matter, not the circumstances surrounding their expression. What my friend and I have is genuine and however we are able to communicate that is a blessing.

Stormy weather

Right up front I am going to admit that this blog is an emotionally charged reaction to something that just happened. It could become rambling and even irrational if I’m not careful.

I had a friend I was in love with. It’s been a little over a year since I last saw him and that’s been weird…though I did promise him I would not let go and I guess I haven’t. This has tormented me over the past year I will admit. When someone in one week’s time, with no discernible provocation, goes from saying he can’t wait to see you to not wanting to see you ever again, it raises questions. Much like what I went through during the breakup of my last serious relationship, I was left with a lot of questions to which no answer would ever be forthcoming from the other person. It’s a difficult thing to work through.

As I have written previously, there is someone at my office who interests me. He’s smart, seems to have a good sense of humor, is gentle and positive. And he’s cute. He’s a sort of nerdy, video gamer sort. I don’t actually know if or how much he plays video games, he just seems very techie.

Today I started thinking about my old friend and how he didn’t respond to the last e-mail I sent to him. He’s been drifting away for this whole past year, so that’s bound to happen. I text or e-mail him once in a while just to maintain the connection because I want this person in my life even if it is by the thinnest spiritual tether.

I was asking the angels earlier if it is time to give up on my friend and move on, maybe find out more about the guy at work. I think he and I could also be good friends. To get an answer to my question, I decided to send a text to my old friend and say hi, just make the connection, see what happens. I realized he might not respond which would be disappointing, but I could survive. Or he could respond and I would get that jolt of lovesick puppy fever again. I didn’t consider that is also possible he would respond, but in a way that is painful to accept.

That’s what happened. I sent him a text message saying hello and asking how he is doing. The response I got was of the most generic, sounded like he was responding to fan mail variety. It was as if he had erased my number from his phone and now didn’t know who the text was from. Which is totally possible I suppose.

So, that hurt. I’m okay now, but I had a few intensely painful moments a little while ago.

Giving up is not always easy. It might be part of my astrological make up, but giving up feels like defeat and I don’t like it. However, in this case, I feel like the events as they unfolded contained a pretty clear message from the angels. It’s time to bless this one and let him go. And that is what I am going to do. I take a lot of lovely memories with me, so it’s okay. I wish for all his dreams to come true. And I wish I could keep my promise to not let go, but I can’t.

So here I am. Free. My life is falling into place again. I am meeting new people…and some of them are adorable.

All is well in my world.

Quality connections

When people follow me on Twitter, I usually follow them back. The only time I don’t is when it looks like it is a bot. Those are pretty easy to recognize because it’s usually a very sexy looking woman with zero tweets.

This post may very well be another installment in Cheryl’s Weird Way of Looking at the World, but there are some things about social networking that perplex me. Certain phenomena that I have noticed as I observe the world.

It would probably be good to give my ideas of what things like Twitter and Facebook are to me. Facebook seems like a place to connect with people you actually know in person, friends and family, while Twitter feels like a place to connect with new people of similar temperament.

Twitter seems more like hanging out in a coffee shop as opposed to the big family picnic that is Facebook. I have never met most of the people I follow on Twitter. And for me that means I am more free to be myself. These are people who have no preconceived notions about who I am or what I should be doing.

This Twitter/Facebook thing makes me think of this Bible verse: “A prophet is not without honor except in his hometown and among his own relatives and in his own household.” Mark 6:3-5  Jesus had been traveling and doing miracles and great things, but when he came to his hometown, he could do very few small miracles. The people of his town saw him as just that carpenter kid whose parents live down the road. They thought he was thinking pretty highly of himself and they became angry. He was doing something different than was expected of him.

People who think they know us do not like it when we act in ways they do not expect. When we have expectations of each other, life is an emotional roller coaster.

So in the Jesus analogy, Facebook is my hometown. The people there have definite ideas about me and I don’t impact them much because of it. Anything I say or do has to penetrate the wall of projected ideas and opinions…and that’s not always easy. So I find myself a little constrained on Facebook. That is not the case with Twitter or this blog.

When I am writing anywhere besides Facebook, I feel free to be myself. Judgmental family and friends put a damper on open communication. Not that I never judge, I clearly have opinions on where my family is coming from.

As I follow new people on Twitter, I get a lot of requests to also be friends on Facebook. Usually from people who are selling or promoting something. I get such an odd vibe from people who are constantly trying to drum up new contacts and increase their number of online friends. To me, it has an air of desperation about it. A definite Amway marketing feel. It’s off putting.

It doesn’t bother me in general that there are people on Twitter who are selling stuff. I can put up with that. There is a core group of people I follow who are absolutely precious to me. Their words and intentions help me stay positive. In a way, though I have never met most of them, they feel more like family than my flesh and bone relatives. These are kindred spirits, one of the great joys of life. A lot of these people are not selling anything and are just happy to connect with like minded others. They seem to be genuinely glad to share wisdom with others…free of charge.

A while ago I read a quote that said something to the effect that Twitter makes you love people you don’t even know and Facebook makes you hate your own family and friends. There is a curious truth to that. My experience is not that extreme, but I have seen the radiant beauty of total strangers on Twitter at the same time as witnessing arrogant and offensive behavior by Facebook friends I actually know in person.

This is partially why Facebook friend requests from strangers unnerve me a bit. It’s like inviting someone to join my obnoxious, opinionated, judgmental family.

The other reason is that the action of declaring a total stranger a friend, which in the grand scheme of things I support fully, redfines the word friend as I have understood it. I don’t like seeing this happen. I don’t like seeing online connections replace real human ones. Our worth as people is not determined by how many Facebook friends we have, or how many Twitter followers. The benefit is not in the numbers, it is in the quality of the connections that are made. While it seems possible that establishing a rapport with someone over Twitter could lead to a friendship that leads to a Facebook connection, asking too early is like being too eager on a first date.

A couple of years ago I met someone with whom I felt a very strong instant connection. Shortly after we met, after we’d seen each other a couple of times, I sent him a text message saying it seemed we had a lot in common and asking if he would like to be friends and hang out and talk sometimes. He responded saying that he appreciated the offer, but that he didn’t feel like he had room in his life for another friend at that time. It was one of the most honest, straightforward things anyone has ever said to me and I respected him for it. I understood right away where he was coming from. Relationships take time and energy if they are to be of high quality. That is just not possible with more than a few people at a time. It’s fine to have many acquaintances, but having 2 or 3 people who are close to be devoted to is about what most people can comfortably handle.

While I am fortunate to have people in my life who care that I care about, I have no close friends right now. Not the kind you see and talk to regularly. I’m connecting with a few people at work, but there is no way to know if those connections will last. I have tended to drift in and out of lives. I have short, intense relationships. The fact that I was married 18 years, notwithstanding. The actual relationship had deteriorated many years before I left.

The past couple of years has been the only time in my life I have been alone like this. It’s been the most eye opening thing I have ever experienced. Figuring out who I am without the influence of others. I better understand my strengths and weaknesses now and I do not need validation to be okay. I’m human, I still like validation, I just don’t need it to feel worthwhile anymore.

My hope is that the period of introspection will help improve the quality of all my connections going forward.

In the meanwhile I wish the multi-level marketing types would quit trying to get to me over Facebook. It’s not going to happen. There is a shallowness in the world of sales and marketing (and performers, actually) that does not interest me at all. A way of looking at people trying to find ways to use them for one’s own personal gain. For the rest of the time I have left in this body I wish to make real, deep connections with people who share the desire of making the world a better place by looking deeply at our fellow humans and seeing true beauty. I do not desire illusory connections in which there is no real interest in the other person. To me that seems like a living hell where one acquires relationships with no intention of maintaining them. Relationship clutter. It’s like people hoarders. I don’t want to exist at the back of someone’s metaphorical refrigerator, covered in mold or under a pile of old newspapers. Nobody does.

It feels like I will soon be able to manage a few friendships again. I finally know who I am. Or rather, I finally know who and what I am not, which makes it a lot easier to be genuine and removes the need for a façade.

Consider the freedom of not needing anyone for anything. It means you get to love people just because you do and for no other motive.

It’s time to celebrate real connection and stop settling for an illusion.