Gifts of the heart

It’s been way too long since I’ve posted, and I need to make this brief (so no editing), but I feel the need to express myself. I apologize in advance for the disjointed meandering of this post, but I really need to get this out.

My dad passed away a few weeks ago. Anyone who’s read this blog all the way through has some idea of the strained/troubled relationship I’ve had with my parents.

I was estranged from my parents for a little over 5 years prior to my dad’s passing. I knew there would be a possibility there would not be reconciliation on the physical plane while my parents were still alive, but I chose to keep my distance and work on forgiveness and learning to take responsibility for myself without blaming my parents for the choices I make as an adult. I’ve done that to a large degree and I have no regrets. However, my mother has advanced dementia/Alzheimer’s, so when I returned home after my dad died, I found that my mother was no longer “there” either. It was like losing both my parents at once.

During the years I was working through all the horrific abuse that permeated my childhood, one of the themes that kept resurfacing for me was anger at my mother for wanting us, her children, to give her something she was unable/unwilling to give us–protection from my dad. 

My mother did almost nothing to protect her children from the violent abuse of my father. And I resented that. Even when I was searching my heart to find forgiveness toward both my parents, I felt bothered by the fact that while I was growing up, my mom would complain bitterly to me and my siblings about my dad, but never do anything about the situation. My dad was less abusive to my mom than he was to his kids (meaning it was limited to emotional abuse for her), but we could never complain to my mother about my dad because she would tell him and then we would suffer even more abuse. She leaned on us emotionally, we who were technically both his victims and hers, but did not offer any support in return. I struggled so hard with this, until recently.

The person my mother was is no longer there. She doesn’t remember any of the bad stuff that happened. And I’m so grateful for that. My mother made some very poor decisions, as all of us have at one time or another, but I’m thankful that God, or the universe or whatever, has seen fit to free her from having to live with remorse over those poor decisions. I know for sure my mother did the best she could with what she had to work with. Same with my dad. And truly, none of us really want to suffer the consequences of our poor decisions, but I find many people want others to suffer for theirs.

When I was growing up, my parents never hugged us kids, ever. They also never told us that they loved us. I cannot deny the impact this has had on my adult relationships, but I spent the past several years getting past my issues about hugging and expressing my love for people. It wasn’t easy but I’m way more comfortable now that way than I ever have been. Up until recently I could remember hugging my mother one time, as adult, and how painfully uncomfortable that experience was.

I now visit my mother weekly. I take my kids to visit her too. She’s very sweet and finds reasons to laugh even though I can tell the mental decline is stressful for her at times.

Since I’ve been reconciled to my mother, I now hug her every week. So do my kids. My siblings do not do this, but none of them have yet worked through the issues that I’ve worked through. My mother seems to love receiving these hugs from me and her grandchildren. 

And suddenly, I’m not angry anymore that my mother needs/wants something from me that she could never provide to me when I needed/wanted it from her.

I did the work so when the time came I would have it to give, and I’m happy to give it to her now.

All is well and all is forgiven.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that I owe so much of this healing to a book called Radical Forgiveness  and its author, Colin Tipping. I will always be grateful to the person who recommended this book to me (and to Colin for writing it and for being a generally kind and supportive person) and I would love to see everyone read it, because everybody has someone or something they struggle to forgive…and this man and his book can help.

The keys

Today is Mother’s day. One of the most bittersweet days of the year for me. I’ve been estranged from my parents for several years. Most days it still seems like the right thing. When relationships are not healthy despite the best efforts of the parties involved, it’s better to sever them. That might sound harsh to some, but the ones who understand it, most likely understand because they have been through trauma in their relationships with their parents.

Not everyone has an easy childhood. And when you haven’t had a good relationship with your parents, it’s really hard to relate to things like the deluge of Facebook posts that happens on days like Mother’s day.

I’m not saying it’s bad for people to honor their mothers. It is absolutely the right thing to do. It’s just important to recognize that not everybody honors their mother in the same way. Some of us honor our mothers by choosing not to continue a relationship that causes pain on both sides. And that’s okay. It’s certainly preferable to giving or receiving guilt, blame, anger, and resentment.

I posted something on Facebook today acknowledging that this day is not easy for everyone. Several friends have lost their moms, a few are estranged from their mothers, and a couple have children who were lovingly given up for adoption. This day brings a vast array of emotions for many of us. It felt important to acknowledge those whose hearts have a bit of heaviness today.

Someone posted a comment to my post on Facebook, thanking me for the things I post in general as well as that specific post. It was nice to read those words. I’m mindful of what I share with people and daily work on keeping my personal energy clear and bright. To know that my words make people feel better means a lot to me. The compliment got me to thinking about something that’s been on my mind quite a bit lately.

How many times have we all heard (or read) that in order to love others we must first learn to love ourselves? This is one of the great mysteries of the universe in my opinion. It took me a really long time to learn what those words mean…a lifetime, really. But a few days ago, I had a moment of insight in which I realized I think I may have reached a place where I am mostly my own best friend. Coming from the other end of the spectrum, of being my own worst enemy, this feels very good, by comparison.

This realization came in a roundabout way. It was through others’ recognition and seeing that I am actually helping people. People I know over Facebook and people I’ve never met over Twitter and through this blog. And the most amazing and beautiful part of it is that I set out  on this part of my journey as a way to help and heal myself because there was nobody else in my life at the time. I was always open to the idea that if even one other person felt a little less alone in the world because they read my words, that would be a blessing multiplied, but my primary concern most days was soothing my own troubled soul and getting through the day each day.

I’ve been on this path for a while now and for a lot of the past several years I’ve carried a burden on my heart of having people in my life I haven’t been able to forgive. Again, myself first, but there are others. Recently I decided to stop worrying about the people I feel this way about and work on forgiving myself, strengthening my relationship with God as I understand it, and choosing to live a happy life, come what may. Miracles are starting to  happen as a result.

My feelings toward someone who has caused a lot of harm in my life have begun to soften. And a few nights ago, I found myself praying sincerely for my parents. In a way that a heart with even a shred of unforgiveness would be unable. In that very moment I knew a miracle had happened. I knew that miracles do happen in our lives and the only thing that keeps miracles away is unwillingness.

We humans like to place a lot of limits and conditions on things. When we let go of the need to do that so much, the world opens up like a flower.

The Buddhist metta meditations always starts with oneself. We radiate kindness that we first give to ourselves. It’s lovely.

Figuring out how to be your own best friend, and how to let others be exactly who they are without needing anyone to do, say, or be anything other than what their heart tells them to be, that is true freedom. When you are free, truly free in your heart and soul, you have the keys to the kingdom.

And in my humble opinion, when you find yourself in possession of the keys to the kingdom, the right thing to do is make copies and pass them out to everyone you meet.

Amen.

Untethered

As much as I looked forward to putting 2011 behind me, I have to say that 2012 hasn’t been easy thus far. That is not to say that it has been bad. It’s just had some difficult moments already.

On New Year’s day I lost a dear friend. The younger brother of my ex-boyfriend, the opera singer I have written about a few times in this blog. He and I maintained a close friendship after the breakup, which was a little challenging, I will admit, because his brother refused to end the relationship properly in my opinion. One of the reasons I was so persistent in trying to put that relationship to rest with compassion and love is because life does present situations like the death of family members and I was hoping not to reunite with my ex under those kinds of circumstances and I knew that because I love his family and they love me, that the possibility did exist.

So one of my worst case scenarios came true. And it turned out okay. Better than okay really. The moment I saw my ex-boyfriend at the memorial service, I felt the burden of the past couple years lift from my heart. There was forgiveness and that’s all I ever wanted. It was a really beautiful moment that I will treasure for the rest of my life.

The thing that has come back to my mind over and over since the service, which was just over a week ago, is how easily he moved on from our relationship and how I have never been the same since.

It wasn’t actually the relationship that changed me, but the aftermath. It was like he set off a nuclear bomb in my soul and the result was a chain reaction that has affected all of my relationships going forward. Affected meaning that I haven’t really been able to have one with a man since then. Not that it’s a bad thing for a person who had spent nearly every day of their adult life in a marriage or relationship, as I had, to have the opportunity to understand solitude and the beauty of silence.

When I think back to my relationship with the opera singer I see what a high price I paid to have someone in my life. Certainly I loved him, but he drained my heart, mind, soul, and bank account. Just as my marriage had. I left my marriage and I’m glad I did, but with the opera singer, I would have stuck it out much longer if he hadn’t gotten bored. He took everything he could get and then he left.

Anyway, the point of this post is that I have found it very difficult to connect with anyone on an intimate level. I have dated a lot. I even fell in love. But over and over I have consistently picked people I can’t go there with for one reason or another.

In the past week I have very positively interacted with four different men whom I care very much about, including my ex-boyfriend. These connections are very important to me. I have had at least a fleeting romantic interest in each of these people. And one of them I am so crazy about I would surely burst from happiness if we could make a romantic relationship work. The point is, I have these amazing connections and yet, I am lonely and can’t seem to find a relationship based on the deep connections I am able to make. And that bothers me.

The world seems to be saying that it is preferable to have relationships that do not exist in the physical realm. That Facebook is the equivalent of true friendship. I am here to say, for lack of a better term, bullshit.

Several years ago when my sister died, a friend I met at my job and became very close to, came to my sister’s funeral. She sat with me in the private family section. She didn’t even hesitate about going there with me. Her entire purpose in going was to make sure I felt less alone. She held my hand through the service. It was my darkest hour and my friend loved me enough to be physically present to support me. You can’t get that on Facebook.

I’m not looking for someone to change my Facebook relationship status for. I’m looking for someone to be present with. Someone to hold hands with when life feels overwhelming.

It feels like I am at a crossroads. Either get off internet based relationships altogether and go find real, flesh and blood human beings to connect with or get used to the idea that all the support I can look forward to the rest of my life is going to look like this:

The great thing about being at a crossroads is that it forces you to make a choice. Thank goodness for choices.

Walk on

I think nearly every person has a certain album or song that helps them through heartbreak. The past few breakups for me have been scored by a U2 cd, All That You Can’t Leave Behind. There is a song called Walk On that resonates with me on so many levels. Tonight I started thinking about walking away and how to know when it’s time to do that in life.

Recently I seem to be obsessed with the concept of forgiveness. The universe is raising this issue all over my world, so I must pay attention.

One thing that inevitably comes up with regard to forgiveness is that it is one thing to forgive, it is another thing entirely to continue to subject oneself to the unskillful acts of people who lack sufficient awareness to get through life without hurting people.

“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” ~Maya Angelou

Isn’t that really true of all of us? It must be so. That makes the forgiveness part a lot easier.

It does not, however, assist at all in helping one determine when it is time to cut the ties and move on. In fact, it mucks up the entire decision-making process with hope. Hope that a person will learn and grow and stop behaving in ways that are harmful. But at some point one has to weigh the cost against the benefit of having certain people in our lives. Sometimes it takes years to throw in the towel, sometimes minutes. Depends on the person.

There are a couple of people in my life whose actions have me looking for the graceful exit. One I have known a few years, the other a few weeks. One has hurt me over and over to the point where I cannot trust her. The other is showing his capacity for forgiveness may be pretty shallow. I’m thinking very seriously of blessing each of these people and sending them on their way.

Not being able to trust someone doesn’t mean you don’t forgive them, it just means they have breached a fundamental principle of friendship. In this case, repeatedly. With no hint of growth in 5 years. I think I have waited long enough.

The other is someone I recently started spending time with. It felt like his entire demeanor toward me after I made a non-malicious mistake without intent to harm. If he can’t forgive that, then there’s not much of a point continuing because I make mistakes, I do. I’m human and I’m doing my best. And yet I feel very clumsy sometimes. But I am honest about my shortcomings and I take responsibility for my actions. If under those circumstances he can’t forgive me, then he’s never going to be able to forgive the other stuff I’m bound to do wrong later. Maybe it’s time to move on. Of course I could be wrong, but who knows?

Letting go with love in 2012. That’s the theme for this new year.

I lost someone dear to suicide on New Year’s day…sometimes we have a say in who’s in our lives, sometimes we don’t.

Here’s to making the right choices when we have them.

Adieu 2011

As I look back at 2011, I really want to embrace the lessons of the year and just sort of forgive myself for how things unfolded. It was a hard one. The reason it was hard has a lot to do with my shortcomings and lack of awareness. But the great thing is, whenever we are willing, we are able to grow in awareness by facing the people and situations that are in front of us as with as much present moment awareness as possible.

The thing about awareness is, it is the bright light of heaven shone on something previously dark and scary. No monster that you are willing to look in the eye can even continue to exist. That is how powerful our minds are.

I am dating again and it’s going okay this time. When I look back over the past couple of years of dating, I see improvement in some areas where there were a lot of mistakes. I’m still making them, I just recognize things as mistakes a lot more quickly so I make fewer. It’s progress, I’ll take it.

There is a guy I was seeing for several weeks and we’ve had a bit of an unfortunate misunderstanding. I think he feels justifiably righteous and I feel like it’s good to be human, full of flaws, learning from mistakes, being honest, communicating with sincerity. I think he is on the fence about forgiving me for something I said in an e-mail. It’s okay if he takes his time to decide. But it got me to thinking about how many moments invite us to judge one another and how on the other side of those situations lies the real gift, the opportunity to extend forgiveness and compassion to a fellow human being. How can we not forgive each other for not being perfect? We all know that none of us is, but when we choose not to forgive, we are suggesting otherwise.

To forgive doesn’t mean you have to agree with the person’s actions, but you do not mistake the actions for the person themselves. Nobody does things out of a true desire to hurt others, I’m nearly convinced of it. People are motivated by two things, the desire for happiness and the avoidance of suffering. It’s just the things we do to achieve those ends is different for each of us and sometimes when we are seeking happiness or avoiding suffering we interfere with others’ happiness seeking and suffering avoidance. That’s when misunderstandings happen. But when we back up and see that people are not motivated by a desire to do anything to any of us, that they are simply motivated by the same things that drive us all, it’s a little easier to forgive.

When I think about it, the thing we are always dealing with is the illusion of separation. We seek to reconcile with God because of a failure to recognize our oneness with the Divine and we forgive or not forgive our fellow humans for the same thing, for thinking we are separate when we are not. For failing to recognize each other as ourselves and God. It’s the basis for all misunderstanding and sin.

Ourselves, God, and each other. A trinity. A beautiful mystery.

2011 was hard. I declare 2012 the year of forgiveness and gratitude.

Amen.

Grief or self-pity?

Sometimes the events of life are difficult to put in perspective. There are moments of sadness, grief, and pain. It doesn’t have to be the death of a loved one, it can be anything that produces a profound sense of disappointment or loss. There are many legitimate reasons to grieve. But grief can be a very lonely and isolating experience.

I’ve been wondering lately about the line between grief and self-pity and how to know when I have crossed it.

I was a sensitive kid who grew into a sensitive adult. I wish to experience a world where everyone loves and accepts each other. Experiencing the cruelty of the world with greed, hatred, intolerance, and injustice being the things on the minds of most people has been difficult for me. This and feelings of disappointment at my perceived failures have recently caused me sadness and grief.

In a way, feelings of grief have been a part of my life as far back as I can remember. This is why I have worked toward letting go of so much past baggage. It’s in putting those things to rest that I am able to experience joy.

My familiarity with grief goes back to a childhood marked by cruelty that was complicated by an inability to understand how people (my parents) could harbor so much rage and hate that they would harm their own child. It never made any sense to me.

Whenever I witness cruelty toward people or animals it makes me sad.

This brings me to the fundamental thing that perplexes me about people in general. In my mind we are not called to do anything impossible or even monumentally difficult as human beings. We are supposed to love, forgive, and accept each other because that is what we all want for ourselves. Jesus said there are basically two commandments, Love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength; and love your neighbor as yourself. That’s it. Doing those two things fulfills the entirety of the law.

Why is it so hard for us to forgive each other and just accept our fellow humans? When we are able to do this on a grand scale, none of the other ills of the world will exist. It won’t be possible. Love dissolves evil. If we are able to develop unconditional love in ourselves individually, we contribute to the future possibility of a perfect world.

I recently figured out that while grief can be a slippery slope into self-pity, it’s really only a problem when it’s impossible to recognize goodness or have gratitude.

While I was researching the difference between grief and self-pity, I came upon some websites for people whose children have died. I’m a bit more familiar with the topic than I wish I was, but it caused me to pause and remember that right now, regardless of what I would change about my life if I could, my children, the greatest joys of my life, are happy and healthy. They feel good about themselves, they are well cared for, and they know they are loved. Not everybody can say that. I am blessed.

So I realize that what I have been feeling is grief. A momentary sadness and disappointment with my actual life compared to the expectations I had for myself. It’s normal and it doesn’t define me. I thought my career was going a certain direction, but it seems to be taking a detour. I also did not expect to find myself alone at this point in my life, especially after finding my soul mate. My version of my life story is different than I have seen it play out. It’s okay, it presents me with a question so profound that it is the very basis of my personal philosophy: Whatcha gonna do? We can’t give up just because things aren’t going the way we thought they would go. It’s the point at which this question presents itself that we decide whether to let grief turn into self-pity. The answer to that one question is our response to life.

I’m looking forward to things getting better. As they do, I hope to find the beauty in as many moments as possible.

May all creatures have peace, love, and ease of well-being. This is my true wish.

It’s called practice for a reason

I’ve been slacking spiritually. This happens from time to time and it doesn’t feel very good, but sometimes I get so preoccupied with worrying about stuff that I let go of the wrong things. I still find myself inspired by the seemingly mundane, but I need to get back to a more regular habit of meditation, especially the metta meditations. My spiritual practice has become rather weak lately.

My life goes most smoothly when I am blessing and uplifting my fellow humans. I’ve been doing less of that recently and I need to step it up. In fact, last night I found myself saying some pretty unfortunate things about some people I met at my last job. There were some truly unusual people at that job and I have struggled to see the good in some of them. But what I need to remember is anything negative I recognize in someone else is but a reflection of some aspect of myself that I do not wish to face. When I am able to remember this I am able to care about people regardless of their behavior.

Just as in gratitude, in forgiveness sometimes we have to take things down to the very basics. Just as sometimes life becomes so difficult it is necessary to give thanks for just being able to survive ones circumstances, sometimes we have to look at others as people who are doing their best, no matter how unfortunate their best might be, and know that all beings just want to be happy. Sometimes people just stray really far from the truth and seek happiness where it cannot be found. It’s a form of hell. And it’s hard to see people stuck there.

I need to reconnect with the Source because every once in a while when I am talking with someone, I say things that I know have come from a wisdom much higher than my own. And I know for certain that when I am diligent about meditation and spiritual study, those moments happen more frequently. Synchronicities become an everyday occurrence. It’s easy to forgive people and it’s easy to love them. Life takes on a sparkly, magical quality. It’s like being in love…with the whole world. It’s the most amazing thing ever.

Seriously, who wouldn’t want to feel like that? It’s intoxicating.

I set my intention, once again, to the path I have chosen and I look forward to daily miracles.

Our spiritual well-being requires constant care, just like our physical well-being. It’s never a done deal. I am happy to put forth the effort for the sake of my fellow humans.

 

All things possible

“Love means to love that which is unlovable, or it is no virtue at all; forgiving means to pardon the unpardonable, or it is no virtue at all; faith means believing the unbelievable, or it is no virtue at all; And to hope means hoping when things are hopeless, or it is no virtue at all.“  ~ Jhem Marquez

I found that quote on Facebook and really like it, but when I started thinking about it, I thought of these words by the Beatles:

“There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done. Nothing you can sing that can’t be sung. Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game, It’s easy. There’s nothing you can make that can’t be made. No one you can save that can’t be saved. Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time – It’s easy.” (All You Need Is Love)

If I apply the Beatles’ logic to that quote I find:

• There is no such thing as unlovable if it’s even possible you can love.
• There is no such thing as unforgivable if it’s even possible you can forgive.
• There is no such thing as unbelievable if it’s even possible you can believe.
• And there is no such thing as hopeless if it’s even possible to hope.

As much as I like the quote from Facebook, I have to go with John Lennon on this one.

Peaceful, gentle, calm

It may be human nature in general, I’m not sure, but I have noticed that many people only stop complaining about the small things when there are bigger things to complain about. This applies to me as much as anyone, so the intention is not to criticize, it’s merely an observation.

Are we hardwired to worry? Is this the inescapable burden of suffering that we are given during this human experience?

A big part of my spiritual growth the past several years has been learning to stop sweating the small stuff and allowing myself to enjoy life. Some of it involves letting go of the negativity that I grew up with. Though they did their best and most likely did much better than their own parents, my parents taught their kids that the world is basically an unsafe place and that everyone is a potential threat so it is necessary to be on guard constantly. Because of the physical abuse that was also a part of my experience, I am guarded a lot of the time and try to stay at least a step ahead of whatever could go wrong. My biggest obstacles in life have been overcoming a general lack of trust and having to fight my nature to stay in the present moment so I can experience joy.

It’s not that I think I am particularly unique in these ways. In fact, the more I learn about life, the more I discover we are all here to learn the same lessons, it’s all a matter of degree. Some of us have big lessons to learn and some of us have small ones. But they are the same in that ultimately we are all here to learn how to love as unconditionally as possible and how to live in harmony.

I have been listening to a lecture by Pema Chodron in which she comments on a chapter of the book The Way of the Bodhisattva by Shantideva. It’s a book I have not read, but now feel that I must. Part of the chapter deals with developing bodhichitta, which though hard for me to describe fully, basically means having a sense of good will toward everything. This is such an important part of why I am on this planet and I wish to cultivate this quality in myself.

To the greatest degree possible, I wish to live the rest of my life doing as little harm as possible. That is not to say my intention has ever been to cause harm, it hasn’t, but until recent years I did not have a specific intention to do no harm.

The thing that most challenges me is keeping things in perspective, staying focused on the bigger picture, the grander scheme of things, while dealing with the minutiae of day-to-day reality. I believe I get better at it all the time, but it remains the most difficult thing I deal with. At least it gives me something to aspire to.

The bodhisattva vows to reincarnate until all souls are awakened. That is such a beautiful concept. To me it is the same as a savior who gives his life to pay for others’ sins.

I believe sins are merely mistakes we make when we don’t have the knowledge or ability to do any better.

Every time we choose to forgive, overlook a mistake, or treat someone with kindness and gentleness, we are saving each other. People are naturally hard on themselves. It comes from believing lies that have been around since the beginning of time. Nobody needs to have their flaws pointed out, but most people could use a little reassurance that they really are doing okay.

Those who find fault in others are looking outward for answers that can only be found within. Ultimately, we really are all looking for the same thing, love.

The great news is that we can help each other by developing the qualities of forgiveness, compassion, kindness and unconditional love.

I had to spend two years in near total solitude to figure some of this stuff out, but it has been the greatest gift I have ever received.

“Out of a shattered open heart springs a fountain of fiery sacred passion that will never run dry.” ~Rumi

Isn’t it ironic that the way to this place is through the dark valley of heartbreak?

We should all take a breather from worry and complaining about minutiae whenever possible. If we find more moments free of those things, the world will be a much more gentle place.  It’s a strong argument for meditation and prayer.

It is my wish that more people find ways to set aside worry and find the joy in even the most mundane moments because, when you think about it, each one is truly a miracle.

Forgiveness

This morning I was thinking about how I have learned less about the importance of forgiveness from needing to forgive the mistakes of others than I have from needing it for myself and not knowing if I have it.

Most people can likely relate to what I’m saying, but I don’t know how many have experienced it to the degree I have in the past few years. Everybody has hurt somebody and sometimes we can really feel the weight of our decisions. In my quest to know myself and my relationship to the thing most people call God, people have been hurt. Some of them (my decisions) have been huge and unskillfully made. It saddens me sometimes when I see the effects of my mistakes.

In the past few years I have separated from every person I have ever been close to. Intentionally and unintentionally. It has been the most painful process and series of life lessons I have ever been through, but it needed to happen. Many lessons were learned about relationships and how the universe works. Right now I’m very cautiously considering adding new friends to my life and reestablishing some older connections.

I feel like I can do this now because I am interacting with people again through work and it feels like I am releasing bad karma and building up good. Spending too much time alone is not healthy long-term. Not for me anyway. It automatically encourages too much thinking of oneself. And life is about the other, I am convinced of it.

This is the lesson I have learned over the past couple of years of desolate solitude: My life isn’t about me. My life is about my interaction with the rest of reality. Even when I am alone for long periods of time, I cannot escape the fact that my thoughts determine many things, the impact of which is felt not just by me, but everyone I encounter, however briefly. It is absolutely my duty to cultivate a heart of compassion and forgiveness. We all deserve to be treated with respect, understanding and acceptance. And because we all deserve it, cultivating these qualities in myself is the highest calling to which I can aspire in this lifetime.

This is why I am living life the way I have chosen. Being present and aware is the only way to learn the lessons. Whatever life hands me, my  job is to experience it, to learn from that experience, and with that knowledge, make the world a more loving place.

The really wonderful moments of my life often include these moments of insight. As the answers come to me and I am able to put them into practice, I experience moments of true peace and joy. No external thing can produce, describe or compare to this feeling.

I am doing my best to keep it real, which for me means staying aware, understanding myself and my motivations, and honoring the thing that unites us all. I am hoping that having come quite a distance in the process of holding myself accountable for my experience, I am able to have compassion for those who are still not quite able to. Life lessons come at a high price and I don’t blame anyone for being afraid of going there. Ultimately, my hope is that the quality of my relationships going forward will be much higher than it has been in the past.

The only person I will ever really need to forgive is me. Everyone is doing their best. Anyone I perceive as having harmed me in some way is no exception to that. There is nothing to forgive when you really think about it.

As for me, I have made a lot of mistakes, big ones. But I have never really held a desire to intentionally hurt anyone. My life has been way more about wanting to help than hurt. But I’m human and I have made decisions that have harmed others. I wish to be forgiven for those, especially those I have thus far been unable to correct. It’s never too late and I keep my mind and heart open to opportunities that will lead to neutralizing any negative effects of my actions and to spiritual reconciliation with anyone I have ever harmed. It’s not necessary to have all of these people become a part of my day-to-day life again, but it is necessary for the spiritual connections I have to be of the clearest, highest and most positive frequency.

I have been a bit uninspired to write lately. Fatigue from work combined with thinking hard about people and human nature left me more introspective than expressive for a while. Such are the cycles of life. Things have opened for the moment and there are things to share. This moment will give way to the next, which may again be a moment of contemplation and reflection with little expression. Both are equally valuable.

I have much gratitude for what I have gained through life’s difficulties. Insight is an amazing gift. Seeing more, seeing a grander picture. The world is so much bigger and richer coming from the perspective of awareness.

All the things I went looking for, unconditional love, acceptance, kindness, understanding, and compassion, I found them. Inside.

I am blessed.

“When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” ~Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)

“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”  ~Maya Angelou

“I’m just sitting here watching the wheels go ’round and ’round, I really love to watch them roll. No longer riding on the merry-go-round, I just had to let it go.” ~John Lennon