Quality connections

When people follow me on Twitter, I usually follow them back. The only time I don’t is when it looks like it is a bot. Those are pretty easy to recognize because it’s usually a very sexy looking woman with zero tweets.

This post may very well be another installment in Cheryl’s Weird Way of Looking at the World, but there are some things about social networking that perplex me. Certain phenomena that I have noticed as I observe the world.

It would probably be good to give my ideas of what things like Twitter and Facebook are to me. Facebook seems like a place to connect with people you actually know in person, friends and family, while Twitter feels like a place to connect with new people of similar temperament.

Twitter seems more like hanging out in a coffee shop as opposed to the big family picnic that is Facebook. I have never met most of the people I follow on Twitter. And for me that means I am more free to be myself. These are people who have no preconceived notions about who I am or what I should be doing.

This Twitter/Facebook thing makes me think of this Bible verse: “A prophet is not without honor except in his hometown and among his own relatives and in his own household.” Mark 6:3-5  Jesus had been traveling and doing miracles and great things, but when he came to his hometown, he could do very few small miracles. The people of his town saw him as just that carpenter kid whose parents live down the road. They thought he was thinking pretty highly of himself and they became angry. He was doing something different than was expected of him.

People who think they know us do not like it when we act in ways they do not expect. When we have expectations of each other, life is an emotional roller coaster.

So in the Jesus analogy, Facebook is my hometown. The people there have definite ideas about me and I don’t impact them much because of it. Anything I say or do has to penetrate the wall of projected ideas and opinions…and that’s not always easy. So I find myself a little constrained on Facebook. That is not the case with Twitter or this blog.

When I am writing anywhere besides Facebook, I feel free to be myself. Judgmental family and friends put a damper on open communication. Not that I never judge, I clearly have opinions on where my family is coming from.

As I follow new people on Twitter, I get a lot of requests to also be friends on Facebook. Usually from people who are selling or promoting something. I get such an odd vibe from people who are constantly trying to drum up new contacts and increase their number of online friends. To me, it has an air of desperation about it. A definite Amway marketing feel. It’s off putting.

It doesn’t bother me in general that there are people on Twitter who are selling stuff. I can put up with that. There is a core group of people I follow who are absolutely precious to me. Their words and intentions help me stay positive. In a way, though I have never met most of them, they feel more like family than my flesh and bone relatives. These are kindred spirits, one of the great joys of life. A lot of these people are not selling anything and are just happy to connect with like minded others. They seem to be genuinely glad to share wisdom with others…free of charge.

A while ago I read a quote that said something to the effect that Twitter makes you love people you don’t even know and Facebook makes you hate your own family and friends. There is a curious truth to that. My experience is not that extreme, but I have seen the radiant beauty of total strangers on Twitter at the same time as witnessing arrogant and offensive behavior by Facebook friends I actually know in person.

This is partially why Facebook friend requests from strangers unnerve me a bit. It’s like inviting someone to join my obnoxious, opinionated, judgmental family.

The other reason is that the action of declaring a total stranger a friend, which in the grand scheme of things I support fully, redfines the word friend as I have understood it. I don’t like seeing this happen. I don’t like seeing online connections replace real human ones. Our worth as people is not determined by how many Facebook friends we have, or how many Twitter followers. The benefit is not in the numbers, it is in the quality of the connections that are made. While it seems possible that establishing a rapport with someone over Twitter could lead to a friendship that leads to a Facebook connection, asking too early is like being too eager on a first date.

A couple of years ago I met someone with whom I felt a very strong instant connection. Shortly after we met, after we’d seen each other a couple of times, I sent him a text message saying it seemed we had a lot in common and asking if he would like to be friends and hang out and talk sometimes. He responded saying that he appreciated the offer, but that he didn’t feel like he had room in his life for another friend at that time. It was one of the most honest, straightforward things anyone has ever said to me and I respected him for it. I understood right away where he was coming from. Relationships take time and energy if they are to be of high quality. That is just not possible with more than a few people at a time. It’s fine to have many acquaintances, but having 2 or 3 people who are close to be devoted to is about what most people can comfortably handle.

While I am fortunate to have people in my life who care that I care about, I have no close friends right now. Not the kind you see and talk to regularly. I’m connecting with a few people at work, but there is no way to know if those connections will last. I have tended to drift in and out of lives. I have short, intense relationships. The fact that I was married 18 years, notwithstanding. The actual relationship had deteriorated many years before I left.

The past couple of years has been the only time in my life I have been alone like this. It’s been the most eye opening thing I have ever experienced. Figuring out who I am without the influence of others. I better understand my strengths and weaknesses now and I do not need validation to be okay. I’m human, I still like validation, I just don’t need it to feel worthwhile anymore.

My hope is that the period of introspection will help improve the quality of all my connections going forward.

In the meanwhile I wish the multi-level marketing types would quit trying to get to me over Facebook. It’s not going to happen. There is a shallowness in the world of sales and marketing (and performers, actually) that does not interest me at all. A way of looking at people trying to find ways to use them for one’s own personal gain. For the rest of the time I have left in this body I wish to make real, deep connections with people who share the desire of making the world a better place by looking deeply at our fellow humans and seeing true beauty. I do not desire illusory connections in which there is no real interest in the other person. To me that seems like a living hell where one acquires relationships with no intention of maintaining them. Relationship clutter. It’s like people hoarders. I don’t want to exist at the back of someone’s metaphorical refrigerator, covered in mold or under a pile of old newspapers. Nobody does.

It feels like I will soon be able to manage a few friendships again. I finally know who I am. Or rather, I finally know who and what I am not, which makes it a lot easier to be genuine and removes the need for a façade.

Consider the freedom of not needing anyone for anything. It means you get to love people just because you do and for no other motive.

It’s time to celebrate real connection and stop settling for an illusion.

Infinite possibilites

My life lessons usually come to me through mindful, non-judgmental observations of myself and others. When I finally started paying attention I discovered that everyday life holds a gold mine of wisdom for those who seek it.

There is a guy at my job who rubs me the wrong way, so to speak. His energy is overpowering and dark. He is an unhappy man. My heart has compassion for him because although I do not know all of what he deals with, I sense that he is carrying heavy burdens in his heart. Some are really obvious. When you truly listen to people with active awareness you hear what they are really saying and sometimes you hear it in the things that are left unsaid.

I sense that this person is really disappointed with where he is in life. The job is not the type of thing most people would  aspire to. It’s a way to make a living…and that’s really all.

For me it’s a bit more than that. I have this opportunity to talk to the 50 or so people I talk to in a given day and with that opportunity comes the opportunity to treat people respectfully with awareness. The people I have talked to since I started this job have been overwhelmingly affirming and grateful for the help I give them. It’s been nice.

With every relationship we participate in, whether it is a 3-minute phone conversation or a 50-year friendship or marriage, we have the opportunity to bless and lift up our fellow humans. And when we are able to take a step back and look at the big picture, it’s apparent that blessing each other is how we are going to change the world for the better and facilitate the positive shift in consciousness that is currently underway.

Going back to the person from work, he seems to believe he’s fallen short of some ideal and comes across as the guy who settled for mediocrity, never gets the breaks, doesn’t get the girl, etc.

This got me thinking about how we are conditioned by our families in childhood to follow the example that is set for us. To do otherwise is to reject the tribe. It seems to me that in the best case scenario, a child is allowed to grow up and be whomever he/she is without being judged by parents as having betrayed the family.

My family has a dysfunctional pattern. There are silent directives about work, money, love and relationships. In my family, we are all called to be martyrs to the family ideals, ideals that are really messed up. One standard is to stay unhappily married for long, long periods of time, sacrificing health and happiness to the comfort of predictability and keeping up appearances. There are strong messages about what is an acceptable profession and amount of money to make and about [false] humility. What my family defines as humble is not humble at all. It’s amazingly arrogant. In every martyr/victim is a person who feels morally superior in some way. It’s a small reward for carrying such a heavy burden through life.

A couple of days ago a coworker remarked that it must be frustrating [for me] to have all that education and not be able to use it. At the time I agreed, but later I thought about it and wondered why I agreed with that. Yes, society expects me to feel badly that I have a law degree and I am making a modest living doing a job that barely requires a high school level education. I suppose I could feel upset about that if I wanted to. But there is another way of looking at it. For one, I use my education every day. My skills in reasoning and observation serve me well every day. It’s just that this employer is getting a bargain for my time. That’s okay. I’m helping people and making a positive difference in many people’s lives…5 minutes at a time. What more could I hope for?

I am finding my way through life on my terms. I may stumble and have hard times, but I am living this life, making my mistakes and learning from them. I’m paying attention. And I have decided there are certain patterns from childhood that are going to stop with me. I am challenging the things I have believed unconsciously most of my life. It’s uncomfortable and I don’t always like what I see, but the rewards are huge. I am watching myself become a more gentle compassionate person as I understand my role in the universal human drama.

Today I was thinking about how between liberation and true freedom lies a desolate place in the soul where we wander as the Jewish people did before reaching the promised land.

After you tear it down it takes a while to build it again, but the rebuilding begins immediately, which is great.

I’m sort of in that place, wandering, thinking, learning…alone. I almost want to think of the word alone as all one. Because really, that’s what’s going on, the steady realization that there is only one of us here. Every day I feel the connection grow stronger.

Bless all the people at my new job. Bless the people who call my phone. Bless everyone I pass walking to my office. Bless everyone I know. Bless everyone reading these words. Bless us all, everyone.

The world is full of possibilities and choices. We are never without choice, no matter how badly things appear to be going. If you’re still breathing, you still have the power of choice.

That is a glorious thought.

Bittersweet memories

Mother’s day is a hard day for me.  I have been estranged from most of my family for the past 5 years or so, but mostly from my parents.  I get pretty quiet on Facebook and Twitter on Mother’s day.  Father’s day is going to be the same way.

People gush about their moms and I am happy for them, but having lived the life I have lived, I understand that not everyone can celebrate some of these holidays the way most can.

It’s not that I do not forgive my mother for the abusive conditions I grew up in.  I do, but that doesn’t change what happened.  My mother was more mentally and emotionally abusive, while my dad was physically abusive and violent.  My mother facilitated his behavior by doing and saying nothing while he took out what now seems like generations of violent anger on my siblings and me.  My mother used to even provoke him to the point where he would hurt us in response to her complaints.

Our abusive home was somewhat atypical in that my dad never laid a hand on my mom.  And honestly, I’m grateful that he didn’t.  I can’t even imagine how much more painful my memories would be if I had watched my mother being hurt on top of what my brothers and sisters and I went through.

I’ve had difficulty reconciling my parents’ behavior and though I know as surely as I know anything that they did their best, I have real difficulty when I remember the coldness with which they dealt with us.  It wasn’t like some stories I have heard about drunken parents who yelled and hit and lost control of their faculties.  To me that sort of sheds light on the pain that the abuser is struggling with inside themselves.

My parents were cold and calculating.  My dad never raised his voice and I remember being unable to look him in the eyes because of the lack of compassion and caring behind them.  My mother had a tone of total disgust that she used regularly toward her kids.

Neither of my parents drank alcohol or used drugs.  Not that I wish they would have, but we didn’t even have that to point to as a reason for the irrationality of their cruelty.

I’m not writing about this to ruin Mother’s day for anyone, in fact I hope that anybody who would be upset by reading this would stop and do something else.  Part of what made me want to write is a Facebook status one of my dear friends put up.  It read: “A special Mother’s Day hug to all of you who, like me, have complicated and tragic relationships with your mothers.”  This person is a judge on our state’s second highest court.  She and I have talked at length about how painful it can be to be somewhat accomplished and the assumptions that people make about family support being behind it.  I let her know how much I appreciate her for being a truth teller.

The thing is, telling the truth about child abuse does not mean people do not love or forgive their parents.  It just is what it is.  And for some reason there is so much shame in it that it makes people either remain silent or make up stories to cover the truth.  That’s unfortunate because it’s hard enough to come to terms with these things without the pressure of knowing that most people are so uncomfortable with such topics they wish you’d just keep it to yourself.

The other thing that encouraged me to write this post was a tweet by Michael Moore, the filmmaker, about Mother’s day memories he shared over Twitter and those shared by his followers.  He tweeted: “But some of u have written that yr childhood was not so pleasant, even abusive. It hurt 2 read these & 2 realize this is not a happy day 4 u.”  I thought this was an amazingly sensitive way to acknowledge the people who had the courage to speak up on this day.

So now that I have gotten that out, I wish to acknowledge that my own children have brought tremendous healing into my life and have made Mother’s day joyous again.  Every Mother’s day I have this amazing sense of gratitude for the privilege of being a part of their lives.  They are the best people I know and to know that I had anything to do with how wonderful they have turned out is truly humbling.  I try to let them know every day how honored I am that I get to be a part of their lives.

I am happy for all the people in the world who had mothers who loved them and made sure they knew they were loved.  While I didn’t personally experience that myself, I am grateful that at some point in my development I realized that is how it ought to be and that the realization came soon enough for my children to grow up knowing they are loved and cherished.  I have not been a perfect parent by any stretch of the imagination, but I did put a stop to the cycle of violence that went back through generations of my family.

Wisdom and insight from @colintip

I just finished listening to a live talk on the Spiritual Path to Money Tele-Summit and something I heard really struck me.  The speaker was Colin Tipping, a person whose book Radical Forgiveness I have mentioned several times in this blog and have continued to recommend enthusiastically to anyone who needs to find forgiveness of self or others.

Colin spoke about people having a financial set-point, just as we seem to have a weight set-point.  Interesting side note is that in the moment just before he articulated this idea, the words set-point and the phrase just like with weight popped into my head, so when he started saying the words I had just thought of, I got a little chill.

The financial set-point insight was around how people have a certain comfort zone when it comes to money.  That level of comfort comes from conditioned thinking, often based on our family beliefs about money, work, etc.  For instance, people who come from working class families may think that money is somehow tied to hard labor, that money is difficult to come by and that having more money than our unconscious beliefs would dictate is somehow not acceptable and therefore we sabotage our own efforts at success to maintain this unconscious set-point.

I’m not paraphrasing Colin very well, but I want to get this message out because when he talked about how people often will not succeed beyond this unconscious belief, or if somehow they manage to, they will find a way to sabotage it and lose everything, I had a flash of insight about myself that might help me change my direction in life.

I grew up in a blue collar, working class family.  Not only that, but I came from a family of generations of uneducated people.  Mind you, I’m not saying stupid people, just people who did not pursue education beyond high school and many of whom never even went that far.

When I was younger I never even dreamed of having an education.  I didn’t grow up with the mentality that I could do anything I set my mind to.  I grew up thinking that I would get out of high school (maybe) and that I would immediately go to work, struggle financially my entire life and then have only Social Security to rely on in my old age.  With one exception, I have nearly accomplished that exact pattern.  And I think during his talk today, Colin shed light on the reason why.

After many years of working and barely getting by, I broke out of the family mold and decided to get an education.  I was in my 30′s, married and raising kids.  I decided that I was going to get a college degree and then go to law school and become an attorney.  As I have mentioned previously in this blog, I had no idea what it would take to get a law degree or that it required 7 years of post-secondary education.  Regardless, I set off in pursuit of my goal.

Here’s where the aha! moment came from today.  I did get a law degree, but I am not practicing law and I can’t even say I am barely getting by financially.  I am in the worst financial shape of my entire life right now and I think I have let old limiting beliefs put me here.

When I was in my final semester of law school I was so busy studying that I didn’t see my family very much.  One day when I went to visit my parents, my dad said that he had been wondering why I hadn’t come by and whether he was going to have to “call my secretary and pay me $200 an hour to come and visit my mother.”  My dad had been making similar comments the entire time I was in school.  Comments about how I was going to become an elitist and think I was better than my family, etc.  Perhaps it was because I was exhausted from all the studying, but the comment he made that particular day wounded me to the core of my soul.  It was one of the last times I saw my dad.  I have been estranged from my family for almost 5 years, for a lot of reasons, this being one of them.

What I realized just today while listening to Colin talk about money is that even though I haven’t been in contact with my family for some time, they still have a hold on my way of thinking.

I did graduate from law school, I was the first in my family to get a college degree of any type and the only one to go to graduate school.  But ever since I graduated from law school my life has been on a downward spiral.  I have not passed the bar exam after repeated attempts, I have not kept a job for more than a few months at a time, which is unlike me, and I am in more debt than I can pay off in this lifetime unless something changes drastically.

Today I realized that it is entirely possible that the reason things have gone the way they have is because I am fulfilling my role in the family, even though I tried to break away from it.  I may have betrayed the family code by earning a law degree, but to keep things even, to obey the financial and success set-point established in my unconscious, I kept failing the bar exam.  I have an education I haven’t been able to use and I can totally blame it on circumstances beyond my control.

From this moment forward, I am dedicating my energy to replacing those beliefs I have about success and loyalty that have kept me fulfilling my role as the irresponsible member of my family (I am the youngest of six kids).  I am going to find ways to affirm that I can succeed and release any limiting beliefs I have about money and success. I am not going to let my past be the blueprint for my future.

My gratitude goes out to Colin Tipping, once again, for his wisdom and insight that have literally changed my way of thinking.  Though I have never met him, I feel like Colin is a friend.  And the best kind of friend, the kind who will tell me the truth about myself to help me succeed.

Please visit Colin Tipping’s website www.radicalforgiveness.com and look at the tools he offers.  I guarantee you will find something there that will help you with your life and spiritual growth.  You can also follow Colin on Twitter, @colintip.

Thank you, Colin!  I am so grateful.

Cheryl

Time

Several years ago I remember watching the Steve Martin movie, The Father of the Bride, and being particularly touched by a scene in which he was playing basketball with his daughter who was to be married the next day.  When he looked at his pretty, adult girl he saw a 5-year-old.

I’m going through this lately with my kids.  I’m so happy to have them with me all the time, but I sometimes have a hard time remembering that they are growing up.

For example, my son was recently scared by a non-physical entity in our house.  And when I offered to sleep in the chair in his room, he readily accepted.  My baby is 6’3″ tall and months away from being legally regarded an adult, but he still feels more safe with his mom close by.

For me their height and maturity doesn’t seem to register immediately.  My kids are the same delightful, innocent people that they were when they were small.  They have lived relatively sheltered lives, going to private school and raised more around books than television.  They are gentle and compassionate, a rare thing for teenagers these days.  And they do anything I ask them to without question.  How many parents can say that?

Compared to their peers they are probably a bit naive, but I feel very confident that they will turn into mature, responsible adults.  I have already raised two kids to adulthood and they are both living happy, productive lives taking good care of their business and their relationships.

It is amazing how fast it goes by.  You hold your newborn child in your arms and know they’re already on the path to independence.  Our job as parents is to make that journey as filled with love and solid guidance as possible, knowing full well that hard as we try, we’re going to screw something up.  My goal is to keep the mistakes minor and to a minimum.  I haven’t totally succeeded, but I have done well.  As one who lived through a challenging childhood, it has been the most healing thing in the world to see my children succeed not in spite of my contribution to their lives, but because of it.

I’m a pretty happy mom tonight.  I’m very grateful for the privilege of nurturing these beautiful souls to adulthood.  Whenever I feel like things are not going right in my world, I only need to look at my kids and see that some things, some big things, have gone very right.  I gave the world three of the most wonderful people to ever walk on this earth.  They are my greatest contribution to the good of the whole.

Blessing my lovely little family…and yours too.

Cheryl