Crossroads

It is interesting having options. I prefer it to not, but making life decisions can be stressful, especially when you feel you’ve made poor ones in the past.

I find myself at a crossroads in more than one area of life right now. There is nothing bad happening; it’s all very positive, all about choices, but I find myself terrified at the thought of making decisions that will disturb the status quo too much. I’ve been through so much the past couple years and things are finally starting to settle down. Do I want to stay settled and risk getting in a rut or do I want to stir things up a little and see what I can make of it?

Recently I have been finding a lot more joy in life. When a certain amount of stress is missing, it makes it a lot easier to appreciate things and be present and not preoccupied. I appreciate that so much. I believe it is out of this sense of joy that some of the options before me have manifested.

That is a very important thing to remember in a situation like the one in which I currently find myself. Nothing that shows up in my life does so apart from my intention to have certain experiences. There is nothing I can experience that I am not open to experiencing. If I were not open, situations would not present themselves. Everything that is going on in my life right now is the result of the thoughts I have been thinking up to now. It’s not all pretty, I’d be lying if I said it was. But some really beautiful people and situations have come into my life and sometimes when I think about what and who I am attracting, it makes me really happy to know that the universe is responding to what I am offering. It’s truly humbling.

I have to make a career decision within the next 24 hours. And there are other, more personal decisions to make right now too. The personal stuff is not pressing, so for the moment, I deal with the issue before me.

It boils down to a cost/benefit analysis. What’s more important, money or happiness? On the grand scale that question is very easy to answer. But on the small-scale, the distinction is a much finer one.

This is one of those situations that is too big for me to figure out on my own. I need to pray and then clear my mind of the thought of it. Once I give the question over, the answer will come.

The more I live, the more I figure out that thinking is such a flawed way of problem solving much of the time. The ability to reason is flawed in the best of analytical thinkers. I’ve reasoned my way through many issues. I’ve been formally trained in logic and analysis. But the answers to the truly important questions always come in the silence. When I get out of the way, things tend to work out just fine.

I put myself in the hands of God. And I have faith that I will find beauty on my journey regardless of which path I take.

Amen.

Keeping the faith…it’s here somewhere

Last night I wrote a post about faith and willingness. This morning I feel like I need to follow that up and explain a little about how faith works in my life.

I am not one of those people who goes through life with rock solid faith. Faith for me is a process that must be worked at constantly. Because of the way it works in my life, I have always been curious about those people who seem to be able to exercise their faith unwaveringly in the darkest moments. I am not sure if those people actually have the same kinds of struggles and doubts that I and many other people seem to experience. If they do, they sure aren’t telling anyone.

There’s no right or wrong way to have faith. And maybe the difference between me and people whose faith seems so readily available to them is one of organization. Maybe it’s like the person with the neat and tidy desk who, when asked for something, finds it effortlessly in their beautiful and pristine workspace. My faith is under one of the many piles of very important stuff on my spiritual desk. It’s there and I can find it, it’s just gonna take me a minute…and it might have a coffee cup ring on it

Those who know me know I aspire to be a spiritual guru of sorts. Not because I think I have all the answers. Each person has the answers to their own questions, I just want to help people look. Kinda like when you lose your car keys. I want to be the person who reminds you to look in the pocket of the pants you wore yesterday, not the one who points out that if you had a better system and were more organized you wouldn’t have these issues. I’m not sure where in the world of spiritual gurus there is room for one such as me, but I hope to find my place.

Perhaps someday I will be one of those people who never seems to struggle and can use my spiritual tools proactively to create a beautiful stress-free life for myself and my family. Until then, I’ll be writing about my miracles as I recognize them, often in retrospect, and looking for my faith…the way I look for my glasses when I am already wearing them.

 

 

Willing heart

Life is bittersweet sometimes.

Things are still a ways from being perfect, but sometimes when I think about how the universe works, I am humbled and amazed.

On November 2, when I was in the deepest, darkest place of uncertainty, I tweeted this: The universe is bringing everything my family needs to keep going. I believe this and I give thanks in advance. ❤ I had very little tangible evidence to support that statement and I knew, even then, that my belief was in something much bigger than the circumstances in which I found myself.

Faith is like a muscle that is built by accepting what life brings with as much grace and equanimity as can be mustered. I do this to the best of my ability, though I will admit I do not always succeed, and sometimes feel very petty and weak.

Composing that tweet was a conscious and aware decision. I knew what my situation was, I knew something needed to happen, and I knew I had nothing I could point to as an indicator that things would be okay. But I knew that believing that things would not be okay was not an option. If I go around thinking things are going to suck and then they suck, I feel like I contributed to that outcome. But when I am truly able to believe things will work out, they do. It’s beautiful, especially when the connection between the belief and the outcome seems obvious.

A few days after posting the tweet, a friend tipped me off to a potential earning opportunity, which resulted in another friend offering to employ me until my permanent job starts. It’s not a lottery win, but it is a giant step toward things being okay again. I feel the difference the most in my heart. I have been carrying some heavy, heavy burdens with very few people to talk to. But once I finally told someone how scared I was feeling and how hard things have been, it started getting better immediately.

Faith requires a willingness to admit the truth about ourselves and about life. If we can do this with compassion, the universe responds…with loving kindness. God–whatever that means to a person–loves us. It is humanity that is harsh with itself.

The moments of truth that lead up to the tweet declaration were of the Jesus take the wheel variety. I was praying a lot and while talking to God about my life and circumstances, I finally came to the question Whatcha gonna do? And my answer was: I got nothin’, God. That place of ultimate surrender. The place where you have to surrender because there are no other options.

Grace only comes where it is truly needed. It is not welcome when we choose to grapple and struggle with things on our own. It is in giving up, saying fuck it to the cosmos, that we create the space necessary for grace to enter our hearts. When it happens, it is sublime. At the same time, I realize that some moments can’t be experienced if things are always going smoothly. We experience joy in proportion to our capacity to endure hardship without bitterness. In proportion to our willingness to see things as good no matter how they seem on the surface. How do I know my experience is good? Because it is the one I am having.

On November 2, I didn’t know what I was going to do to get my life back on track, but I knew one thing, I was willing…to do whatever it would take…and to be open and unconditionally accepting [of myself] in my darkest moments.

I see the light again.

Because of the difficulties that my life has been blessed with, I have experienced the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding. How can I fail to be grateful for this?

If any of this resonates, please check out Chapter 18, section 5 of A Course in Miracles. I actually looked it up just prior to writing this post, well after my own recent miracle was underway, but it so beautifully completes my thoughts here. And much more eloquently.

The thing at the top of my gratitude list these days? Sleeping soundly.

Amen.

Another year

It will be my birthday in 90 minutes. I haven’t thought about it very much because I had so much other stuff on my mind. Not having a job in this economy will do that to a person. I was actually hired about 3 weeks ago for a job, but haven’t been able to get started because they are waiting for the results of my background check to come back and I do not know what is taking so long.

A friend of mine offered to let me come and work for him for a little while so I could earn enough money to pay my rent. I am so grateful for this I hardly have words.

The past couple of weeks have been amazing. Every time I feel like I don’t have a shred of faith left in me, I ask for help from God, the angels, the saints, and ascended masters, and every time I ask, something happens to give me enough hope to go on. How many guarantees do any of us actually need? It’s great to feel like things will be fine long-term, but don’t we really live day-by-day, moment-by-moment?

Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” –Matthew 6:33-34

A couple of weeks ago, I said a prayer to St. Jude, the patron of desperate causes. I’m not Catholic, but I didn’t care, I was so afraid and so worried that I needed to feel there was someone who cared. As a show of faith, I decided to make a donation to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. I need to point out that even though my donation was small, I have almost no money right now, so it was a big deal to me. I wanted the universe to know that I trust I will be cared for just as I care for others, as unselfishly as possible. Later that same night, a trusted friend offered to give me a significant amount of money. Enough to relieve some of the pressure I was feeling, and thirty times the amount of my donation. I accepted with the caveat that I be allowed to repay it when things improve for me.

Between the loan and a few days of paid employment, I can see the light at the end of this tunnel I have been in. I am very grateful that in the darkest of times I have the presence of mind and heart to ask for help. And I am grateful that the help always comes. I’m not always brave enough to ask other people for help, but I am brave enough to ask God for help. Then God brings angels, dressed as friends.

It looks like everything is going to be okay. I feel so much genuine gratitude for the abundance of having the basic necessities of life. Everything else is icing.

In one hour it will be my birthday.

Our daily bread

The past week has been amazing. A phone call yesterday resulted in my return to the world of the fully employed. I am so grateful.

Life is shaping me into a person of strong faith and it’s an amazing thing to watch. Seeing beauty emerge from one’s own suffering is the true gift of perseverance. It’s about remaining present no matter what arises. That is the hardest obstacle we face as humans, experiencing life’s harshness without turning away. Looking straight into the eyes of the enemy and refusing to back down. And the thing is, I have finally figured out how to do this while having compassion for myself. I am finally starting to believe that I am as worthy of having good things as anyone I would wish them for. That’s a big lesson for me. To finally see the end of needing to constantly punish myself for who knows what and walking around feeling like a monumental failure. I think I’m done with it, at least for now.

In the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus teaches us to request what we need daily, which I believe means constantly throughout the day. But Jesus doesn’t teach us to seek assurance beyond the now. He says: Give us THIS day our daily bread. Not next week’s bread or ten years’ from now. Seek what you need in any given moment, knowing the moment is constantly changing.

When I look back over the past couple of months of job searching, I see that part of the daily bread was a trail of crumbs to help me find my way on the path.

A couple of weeks ago I had an interview, but until yesterday had heard nothing. Because it was my most concrete potential for a job, I was starting to worry more with each passing day. But the one thing I did differently this time is that I allowed the worry to flow through me rather than trying to fight or correct it. Whenever I would worry I would also turn the burden over to God because worry is not a productive part of receiving. Each time I did this I immediately received a sign that things were going the right direction and would be fine.

I went to sleep saying affirmations a couple of nights ago, both in my mind and whispered aloud. I affirmed that God supplies me unfailingly and that the next day I would receive a phone call with a job offer. That is precisely what happened.

Sometimes I can feel that my words have power. This is one of those times.

If God is throwing you crumbs when you asked for an entire loaf, consider that the crumbs may be the trail that leads you where you need to go.

All things possible

“Love means to love that which is unlovable, or it is no virtue at all; forgiving means to pardon the unpardonable, or it is no virtue at all; faith means believing the unbelievable, or it is no virtue at all; And to hope means hoping when things are hopeless, or it is no virtue at all.“  ~ Jhem Marquez

I found that quote on Facebook and really like it, but when I started thinking about it, I thought of these words by the Beatles:

“There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done. Nothing you can sing that can’t be sung. Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game, It’s easy. There’s nothing you can make that can’t be made. No one you can save that can’t be saved. Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time – It’s easy.” (All You Need Is Love)

If I apply the Beatles’ logic to that quote I find:

• There is no such thing as unlovable if it’s even possible you can love.
• There is no such thing as unforgivable if it’s even possible you can forgive.
• There is no such thing as unbelievable if it’s even possible you can believe.
• And there is no such thing as hopeless if it’s even possible to hope.

As much as I like the quote from Facebook, I have to go with John Lennon on this one.

At a loss

Sometimes people talk about how life changes in the blink of an eye and how we should appreciate everyone and everything in our lives because it could all be lost suddenly.  I get that, especially in the case of losing someone suddenly and unexpectedly.  Twelve years ago I experienced that when my sister died.

I’m going to get this out and then try to redirect my thoughts because dwelling on things like loss can set a person up to experience more loss and I truly wish to turn things around and experience abundance and joy, not loss and grief.

I’ll start by saying that something happened last night to trigger the way I am feeling, although I take full responsibility for all of the thoughts that I have been entertaining that have hurt so badly.  I wish I knew why I have to beat myself up emotionally or find someone to do it for me, but I see a pattern here.

This is very likely the dark before the dawn and I suspect that’s why it’s so painful.

I have been looking back over my life and wondering why I would have signed up for this particular assignment.  I believe in reincarnation and I lean towards the belief that we decide before we incarnate what lessons we will learn and which people we will be close to.

My life thus far has been a huge challenge.  Just surviving childhood felt like a miracle.  However, surviving is one thing, learning the lessons required for course correction is another thing entirely.  That is what is bringing me so much pain right now.

Perhaps I’m trying too hard.  It wouldn’t be the first time, but I cannot seem to unlock the lessons that will completely set me free from my past.  I’ll give myself a bit of credit and say that I feel like I have put many things behind me, like the abusive situation I grew up in.  But is it really behind me if I continue to manifest situations and people who support my apparent belief that I am worthless and must be punished?

This blog is my catharsis and I hope nobody is put off by my honesty here.  I don’t really have any people in my life right now other than my kids so I don’t have very many places to unload my thoughts and I don’t talk to anyone.  My life has never been so devoid of friends and yet, I think this is meant to happen this way and I am willing to see how it unfolds.  That is not to say that I feel bleak about the future or I think it’s going to stay like this.  It’s not like that at all.  I see a future filled with friends and people, but right now I have to do this.

One of the analogies that pops into my mind about all of this is an example from the Bible.  The one where Jesus is in the garden the night before his crucifixion and he is praying and asking God to remove this cup, but that he will drink from the cup if it is God’s will.  This symbolism applies to anyone who is facing something difficult that they are not sure they have the strength to endure.  I have felt this way a lot in my life.  When life hands us challenges, we are asked to take them on and to essentially crucify the person we used to be so that the person we are supposed to become can be resurrected.

The reason I have been having a hard time is because the old me and my old life is dying.  It’s okay, I had lessons to learn and I am looking forward to whatever is next in my life.  Sometimes though, I look back over my life and see that there has been a lot of loss and sadness for someone my age.  My whole life has been filled with it whereas I know people not much younger than me who have never lost anyone close and haven’t had too many things go dreadfully wrong in life.  It boggles my mind sometimes.

There are a couple of things I need to remember.  One is that nothing is permanent, not even suffering.  And that love is eternal.  People come and go, things come and go, but the love we experience never goes away.  That is why at the end of the day, love is the only thing that matters.  My purpose is to love, to give it and receive it and do my best to keep it flowing.  As long as I am doing that, none of the other things I worry about matter at all.

And with that, I am going to go get my hair cut so I can look presentable for the interview tomorrow.  Wish me luck!

Ye of little faith…

I’m sitting in my bedroom watching the rain fall through my falling tears.  Seems sort of poetic really.  The reason I’m in my room is I needed some time alone because I haven’t had any in a couple of weeks since my kids got here.  The reason I’m crying is a combination of fear, worry and guilt.

Last night I read the book of Job in the Bible because I needed a sense that someone gets what it feels like to be on what looks like the losing end of life and wondering if it will ever get better.  Job says:

“I call out to you God, but you do not answer, I stand up to plead, but you keep aloof.  You have turned cruelly against me; with your strong hand you persecute me.  You snatch me up and mount me on the wind; the tempest tosses me about.  I know that you will hand me over to death, to the place appointed for all mortals.  Yet no beggar held out his hand to me in vain for relief in his distress.  Did I not weep for the unfortunate: Did not my heart grieve for the destitute?  Yet evil has come though I expected good, and when I looked for light, darkness came.”  Job 30:20-26

Earlier in the book Job said: “Those at ease look down on misfortune, on the blow that fells one who is already reeling, while the marauders’ tents are left undisturbed and those who provoke God live safe and sound.”  Job 12:5,6

The reason I feel like I understand this book so well is that I have found myself at times in life, a lot recently, asking God what I did to offend.  Did I not help people enough, did I not care enough?  What did I do to deserve so much struggle and trial? I’m not saying it’s not possible that I deserve the things that have happened to me, all I’m saying is I know my heart and I know that regardless of how many times I may have screwed up, my intentions have been pure my entire life.  Misguided at times, yes, but pure nonetheless.

On top of everything that is troubling me, I am alone.  Not physically alone, I have my kids, which is more than poor Job had, but I am alone in the sense that I have nearly nowhere to turn for comfort.  I feel abandoned by the people who used to be my friends.  It’s as if nobody wants to catch my misfortune.  I think I am an example that makes people uncomfortable.  Truly one of those you can look at and say, “If this could happen to her, it could happen to me or anyone.”  I have done everything in my power to do the right thing my entire life.  I have taken everything life has dished out and tried to make good of it.  I didn’t let an abusive childhood or any of the unfortunate circumstances of my youth stop me from succeeding in my career or getting an education.  Every obstacle, every misfortune, I overcame them all trying to make a better life for me and my kids.  And I have almost nothing to show for it.

Though I truly love my friends and family, I can barely look at Facebook these days.  As I sit here wondering if I will have a place to live in two weeks, I read the status updates of people who have good jobs, stability and love in their lives complaining about really insignificant stuff.  I need to make very clear that some of the people on my Facebook page have real and serious concerns over things like health and finances, but there are those who appear to have everything a person could need or want to be comfortable and worry-free in this life and they are the ones complaining the loudest.  I need to further clarify that I’m not angry at these people, it just hurts to read their posts.

Here’s where the guilt comes in.  I know there are people worse off than I am.  These are the people to whom a couple of my dollars make a huge difference in their life.  Right now I don’t have very many dollars to spare, but I’m not on the corner with a piece of cardboard and a sharpie pen…yet.

I feel that I need to get things into perspective as quickly as possible.  Because if I am hurt by the complaints of people whose circumstances I would gladly trade mine for, my complaints could easily hurt the heart of someone who would gladly trade places with me.

My plea at this time is for guidance to make the right decisions regardless of what is coming my way.  If God is going to see fit to have me and my kids become homeless, I wish to handle it with as much grace as possible and to find reasons every day to give thanks.

Today is a day of grace.  We have a roof over our heads on this stormy day, we have plenty of food in the cupboard and refrigerator and we have a soft place to lay our heads at the end of the day.  There are many people on this planet who cannot say that.  I pray that my ungrateful heart will be transformed into one of gratitude and faith.  And I seek forgiveness for my weak, weak faith.  If anyone has reason to believe in miracles, it’s me.  Let me never forget.

Cheryl

Positive

Recently I was asked how I stay positive.  I actually wrote an entire post about the things I do that help me stay positive, but I realized that none of it actually matters on the days I let fear rule my life.

This morning I woke up to an anxiety attack.  That happens to me sometimes.  Before I even really have a chance to think, my heart and mind are racing.  It is now mid-afternoon and I’m finally starting to calm down.

It’s sometimes hard to take the steps necessary to stay positive when I’m not even sure what the problem is.  I mean, on the surface it’s obvious.  My kids are now living with me and I do not have a job.  Three weeks ago I was supporting only myself and didn’t know how I was going to make it without a job and now I have two more people depending on me.

This morning I woke up in a panic about how to pay the rent next month.  All day I have had to talk myself out of this mindset.  There are still 21 days left in this month.  If I can find even a temp job right away I should be able to earn enough to cover our rent and basic expenses.  But I don’t have a job right now, so the only way I can avoid worrying is to have faith that everything will happen as it is supposed to and that we will be fine.  While I know deep down it is true, much like meditation I have to keep bringing my mind back to the truth.

As I was telling my kids today, worrying about something that might happen in 21 days is a waste of energy.  Because if the first of next month comes and I don’t have the money to pay the rent, worrying about it now just means I have given myself three extra weeks of worry.  If the first comes and I do have the money to pay rent then I will have worried for nothing.

I just need to stay in the present where everything is fine.  Right now, our bills are paid and we have plenty of everything we need.  I have no reason to believe tomorrow will be different.  A lot can happen in one day.  I have sent my resume off to some promising job leads and to some temp agencies, something good is bound to come sooner or later, hopefully sooner.

As for staying positive, I do a lot of things to keep myself optimistic in the face of uncertainty.  One of the biggest is surrounding myself with people who are positive and avoiding people who are not.  Twitter has been one of the most amazing gifts that way.  The people I follow on Twitter are such bright lights.  They have helped me keep my head up by posting positive, uplifting tweets. My Twitter family has helped me through some dark moments recently.  I have been inspired to be a better person and to keep trying to contribute positively.  I feel very fortunate to have found all these wonderful people from all over the world.

If I had to name one thing that helps me stay positive no matter what is going on around me, it would be gratitude.  If I’m alive and breathing, there is hope and something to be grateful for.  And for the ability to recognize that, I am supremely grateful.

Grateful thanks for all the good wishes I have received.

Blessings.

Cheryl