Unstuck

Yesterday was a difficult day. I felt trapped by my circumstances and unable to see the bigger picture. I felt like I needed to cry but the tears were stuck somewhere deep inside. I asked God to open my eyes and my heart, but only after I had taken matters into my own hands.

I’m one of those people who often needs a catalyst for tears, crying is not easy for me because I am not always able to connect with my emotions. If I need to cry, sometimes I have to set the stage for it with things like wine and a sad movie. And even that isn’t always easy because there are not very many movies that have the power to bring on the real tears for me. I have a few that I can always count on like The Color Purple. Specifically the end of The Color Purple. Every time I see the scene where Celie is reunited with her children, it brings on shaking sobs.

Last night I drank a fair amount of shiraz and decided to watch the final episode of Lost, which I have on dvd. There is something about that show that reminds me that everything that happens to us in life is both important and not important at the same time. And ultimately, the message I get from the final episode is that when it’s all said and done, the events are just details, what really matters is the people we connect with and the love we share while we’re on this earth.

As I was having realizations about the people who are and have been a part of my life and all the gifts they have brought, the tears started coming. I knew this was the shift in perspective I needed to get out of the pit of despair I had crawled into. As my heart began to open I asked God to help me see and feel the truth.

That’s how it is for me, I have to feel the truth because I am an empath. But when I get bogged down and stuck in life’s minutiae, I can’t feel my own feelings, let alone those of anyone else. At those times the only thing I can usually feel is a self-centered anxiety.

I feel a huge sense of gratitude for the people I have shared love with. Even though I am currently without my soul mate, there is and always has been a lot of love in my life. I truly believe anyone who wants to have more love in their life needs to find more opportunities to give it with no strings attached, no conditions.

There is a risk involved in having an open heart, but the alternative is so bleak that to me it’s not even worthy of consideration. I know this from experience because I lived most of my life closed off from love out of fear of being hurt and general mistrust of people. Then I took a risk and really let someone in and guess what? I was badly hurt. Badly enough to make me consider never opening my heart to anyone again. But I chose to remain open. And not for the reasons one might think.

The reason I have chosen to have an open and therefore vulnerable heart is that to do so is to offer the most valuable asset I have to the entire world, unconditionally. Keeping it to myself diminishes it; the only way to really experience it myself is to give it away. I am not going to attempt to hoard love waiting for a romantic partner upon whom to bestow it. Everybody needs love and everybody deserves love and I am going to do my best to share what I have with anyone who needs it. If and when my soul mate arrives, I will have plenty of love in my heart for him. The supply is endless.

Last night while I was contemplating this, I asked God to help me put it all in perspective. Moments later I read on Facebook that a friend had to put his beloved cat to sleep. I felt real pain at learning this and had so much compassion for my friend that I cried for his loss. Earlier in the day one of the few friends I have known most of my life told me that his dad was not doing well and that he was going to say his goodbyes. As I was crying about the cat I wondered about my friend’s visit with his dad. Within minutes I received a text message from my friend telling me his dad had passed away. This was big for me because when I was a teenager I spent as much time at this friend’s house as I did my own and his parents were like second parents to me. I called my friend and cried with him over the phone. I want these people to know that what they are going through matters to me because I care about them.

What I realized is that it’s all a big deal, everything that happens, and yet, in the end, none of it will matter. The cat is important, my personal struggles are important, my friend’s dad is important, but it’s the feelings that are important, not the events themselves. I never want to stop being the person who will cry over a cat that I never even met. I want to feel compassion, it’s what makes me human.

The most interesting part of last night is that I feel like in having compassion for my friends, I healed what was bothering me. I felt like nobody cared and nobody understood what I am going through. Now I know that is not true, but more importantly, I know it doesn’t even matter. What matters is my ability to understand and have compassion for others because that is where my own healing will come from.

Here’s what I think. Love is a risk, but when you really think about it, nobody can steal from you what you give freely and willingly, so having an open heart means nobody can ever really take advantage. With it also comes the freedom to love unconditionally and show compassion to everyone. And that is the greatest gift we humans can give or receive.

Letting go of the wheel

How many times does one person have to learn the same lessons? Maybe letting go is one of those things you have to do all of your life. Personally, I’m getting tired of the struggle-realize I’m struggling-let go cycle I seem to repeat so often. Only there’s a step I left out. After I realize I am struggling, I usually have to struggle a bit more to let go. It’s not like I recognize that I am wanting something too much or wishing things were different than they are and then magically I feel better. No, instead I have to go through this whole process where I think Gah! I wish I could just let go! Why does everything have to be so hard? That’s what makes the whole thing suck so much.

For some reason today was one of those days where I felt it necessary to lament being single…again. Only that wasn’t enough all by itself, I decided that since I was already busy wishing things were different than they are, I might as well go ahead and feel badly about my entire life. That makes a ton of sense, doesn’t it? It’s like I’m walking along my path and notice Oh, a pit of despair. I think I’ll jump in.

On my drive home tonight I was sort of demanding of God to know what exactly is being asked of me. Am I being asked to not want anything ever? Or is it the way I am wanting it? Am I doing it wrong? Please, somebody tell me how to do it right and I will.

At times it feels like I may spend the rest of my life paying for mistakes I made out of ignorance and lack of awareness. The reason that’s hard is I am aware now and I really feel the pain of my life because I am not trying to suppress it anymore. I sort of wonder if the sadness will ever end.

I know things are going better than they were, I have a job and that is very helpful. Things could definitely be worse.

This seems to be coming, once again, from that place inside me where I feel different and in a sense separate from my fellow human beings. I’m not fundamentally different, but there are still a lot of unaware, unawakened people in the world and because I have found so few like-minded people, I feel like a fish out of water much of the time.

We humans are mirrors for each other and I feel like I am wandering the earth looking into the eyes of everyone I meet, hoping to see a spark of recognition and not finding it.

That is the key to love, the feeling of being seen, recognized as something precious and wonderful. It’s an amazing gift to give and to receive.

This is the thing I love about being in love. I truly believe that when we are in love is the only time we really see clearly. It doesn’t even have to be romantic love in this instance. It can be a general sense of delight in people. I actually experience this fairly frequently and I think it’s what keeps me going during this period of isolation I am experiencing.

Today during lunch I talked to a coworker. He seems like the type of person most people sort of discount and don’t pay a lot of attention to. And he knows it. And I’m pretty sure he longs to be seen by someone. The way I could tell this is I paid undivided attention to him–because I know how to do that–and this person lit up before my eyes. He was so pleased and happy to be listened to. And it was no trouble to me at all.

As long as I’m thinking about my whole life I might as well remember that all my life I have been that person for so many people. The one with enough patience to work with the mentally challenged or even the people who seem to wear others out quickly. I am able to stay engaged and really give the person a part of myself, the part that cares and understands. And I think the reason I am able to do that is because all my life, that is what I have been seeking. Someone who looks at me and sees nothing wrong and finds it very easy to listen to me.

Once again I am faced with the need to let go of wanting. I need to accept my life the way it is. Because it would be a shame to spend the rest of my life unhappy about something that isn’t going to change. Letting go of everything but hope is quite a challenge. But it’s the only way to have peace.

If you change your thinking and decide to live an authentic life, it’s likely you’ll find yourself alone in the darkest part of the forest for a while before you find new companions on the journey. It’s okay, it’s part of the challenge. When decisions are made with awareness, they come with the knowledge of how sweet it will be when you find someone who truly appreciates you.

I think I’m done crying for the night. I feel better.

I’m just going to let God take over, I need a rest.

Unjamming the signal

Why do I have to learn over and over and over that if I don’t take care of myself, day-to-day life will quickly overwhelm me? This is one of the things that frustrates me about myself and one of the reasons I feel like I’m still spiritually immature. As soon as I get tired or stressed, I stop doing the things that keep me on an even keel. Meditation becomes a rushed, half-hearted activity, distractions become very, very attractive and I just want to sleep.

The thing that this new job has shown me is that I leave myself way too open to other people’s energy and need to find ways to better protect myself. I am not without resources in this area, I have learned and been taught many ways to anchor myself and how to surround myself in protective energy. When I have a lot of information coming at me I sometimes forget to use the tools I have at my disposal.

As I learn and grow spiritually it takes me less and less time to remember that I am not a slave to my thoughts and feelings, but sometimes it seems like I have to suffer a bit before I remember that I have control over that. I think the reason it takes a while for the message to get my attention is that now, being around a lot of people again, I am picking up so much more information than I ever have before and the energy that is coming at me is overwhelming. One of the biggest things that has come out of my awakening is hypersensitivity. My intuitive power has increased exponentially during the time I have spent in meditation and contemplation the past couple of years.

There is more than one facet to raising one’s intuition. It’s a great gift to be able to know things unspoken, but empathic people need to figure out when it’s time to pull back or let go.

In this past 10 days of working I have been picking up on people’s insecurities, burdens and energy needs. I’ve always been able to sense what people want and/or expect from me, which is helpful. When you grow up the way I did, that ability can make the difference between life and death. I say that without exaggeration.

As this ability has increased in me, I am able to tell exactly what burdens people are carrying in their hearts. That is not a bad thing. I have a compassionate heart and I can think of no better way to use the energy that is flowing through me than to offer a little understanding to a weary traveler. Like a sip of cool water on a hot day.

I am very thankful that I have this gift, but if I want to keep using it, I need to stay connected to the Source. All I need to do is remember I have support. I may not have family beyond my children or friends who are close right now, but there are people who care and there are angels who love to protect and help me. I need to remember I am not alone.

Today is a day of releasing. Letting go of the energy I picked up during the week. Time to take a moment, think of the people I interacted with during the week, bless their journey and let them go. There may be people who become friends out of this experience, but it’s just as likely I will move on and never know them again. Either way my goal is to leave them better off if I can. God willing.

To do that I need to make sure I have something to offer. I want to present my best self–that’s the one with the power to change the world.

Battery is about 50% recharged. Thank God for Saturday. A day of rest is a holy thing indeed.

Serendipitous synchronicity

I need to just say it straight up.  I thought yesterday sucked, but, and I can’t even coherently state why, today sucked even worse.  I have not felt as badly as I did today in many moons.  Thank goodness.

It’s not in my best interest to call this struggle.  Stuff is happening in my world, not all of it is good, the stuff that’s bad really blows and there has been so much of it the past few days that today I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Today was one of those days where there was so much crying and angst that I am physically exhausted from it.  I felt like I was completely alone in the world.  I didn’t feel like I could reach out to anyone and that if I did, I could never tell them what’s going on.  The reason?  Shame.

We’re in a tough economy.  Lots of people are suffering in our country and around the world.  And for some reason, at least in this country, there is a sense of shame and humiliation lying beneath the issues that are hurting people.  If there is blame to be cast, I’m going to point at consumerism and the media, specifically those who use shame and humiliation as a marketing tool to cause people to strive for things that don’t matter in the big picture.  And convince people the more things they have, the more valuable they are as humans.

When I did manage to reach out to someone, it was ultimately cathartic, but felt like an out of body experience that lasted most of the day.  I felt out of control of my faculties being in such despair over the way things are .  Eventually, I was able to articulate my main problem.  Of the things that have happened in my life recently, it’s not the events themselves that are problematic, at least not in the bigger sense.  It is the shame that leads to isolation that is the problem.  It helped to be able to identify the real source of my pain.

Not long after that realization I needed to run some errands and make some personal business phone calls.  The day had so taken its toll that I went out with no makeup and eyes swollen almost shut from crying.  Those who know me know how badly I would have to feel to go out like that. But the most amazing thing happened.  Every single person I encountered, both in person and over the phone treated me with so much compassion, kindness and gentleness that I felt certain I was among angels sent to assure me that all is well.

When I got home I took a hot bath and got into pajamas and decided to just be calm and look at Facebook and Twitter and only write if I truly felt moved to do so.  The first thing I saw on FB was a link to a website: being.publicradio.org.  I didn’t even see the post the person was sharing because I was immediately drawn to another post on the site.  It was a blog response to an interview with Sharon Salzberg, a favorite Buddhist teacher, on The Humiliation of Suffering.  Both the interview and the blog post brought the comfort that comes with knowing I’m not alone.

My thoughts since then have been that perhaps the reason my emotional roller coaster ride was so violent the past few days is being the empath that I am, I am picking up on the pain of many, many other people.  Some who are not fortunate enough to have the writing skills to put up a blog or who are not aware enough to fully understand why they feel so upset and isolated.  And suddenly, I felt the reason I cried so hard today was not just because I’m facing difficulties of my own.  I feel like I wept for the entire world of people who are hurting and feel like they can’t tell anyone. It really explains the level of emotional pain I experienced.

It was no accident I stumbled on that blog and interview.  It was no accident that people responded to me the way they did today.

My greatest desire is to be an inspiration to people who suffer.  As someone who can almost say I’ve seen it all, my wish is to demonstrate that anything can be overcome and above all, you are not alone. We are all in this together.

Since my second greatest desire is to help people see that life is more comedy than tragedy and that we can all stand to lighten up a little, I’ll sum it up like this: I really took one for the team today.  And how.

Cheryl