The Tao of Motherhood

I regularly contemplate impermanence and non-attachment. They are two of my favorite spiritual concepts.

Life is like a classroom with only one course, letting go. Where every day is a school day, and when school is out, it’s out for good.

Every day we have to let go of all kinds of stuff, big and small.

There is someone in my life for whom I care a great deal. Recently I learned that it’s possible I will rarely if ever see him again. Though it’s so hard to know why some people show up in our lives and immediately become important, he is one of those people for me. We have an amazing connection that actually grows stronger with fewer words. It’s one of the most lovely relationships I’ve ever been a part of.

So I’m facing what could be perceived as a huge loss. And I’ll be truthful, the news hit me pretty hard. I was at my job doing semi-complicated tax work when I found out, and it made me cry…at my job…ugh.

Since then I have come to give thanks for the changing nature of this relationship and the beautiful ways it has developed over time. It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s been very genuine, open, and loving. I welcome whatever is next.

It was as my mind and heart began to let go of this person I love that I realized that most of my strength and flexibility comes from being a mom. In no other relationship are we so entwined with another person with whom we do not get to live our entire lives. As mothers we are asked to care about another person as much or more than we care about ourselves and to put their needs before our own. And we do it willingly, out of pure love. And also out of pure love, when it comes time for independence, we let go, ever so gently.

Done properly, there is no more beautiful relationship than the one between a mother and child.

Kids don’t come into the world to learn, they are here to teach us. They are here to show us who we really are and what we are capable of. They help us become more enlightened.

I will never regret having children. They have softened my spirit and brought out the most beautiful parts of my personality for the benefit of the entire universe.

I’m so grateful.

Equanimity

I have learned some concepts that, when remembered, consistently bring comfort.  These things, though they come from different traditions, are some of the tools that are available to all of us to help put things in perspective quickly.  I use them to calm myself when I start to worry.  It is how I maintain a measure of balance and equanimity in my life.

Here are a few of the things I have learned.  I hope these basic descriptions will help people find resources to further study anything that resonates.  They are short and merely scratch the surface, but I am happy to expound if I receive questions.

Non-Attachment:  This Buddhist concept teaches us, through the Four Noble Truths, that attachment is the cause of suffering.  Because the objects of our desire are in a constant state of transition, that which we grasp at does not even truly exist.  Even as we try to possess a person or a thing, it is changing.

Letting things be as they are brings great peace and is part of the path to enlightenment.  Releasing the need to judge things, possess things, and keep people means saying yes to life and putting trust in the force that keeps the world turning.

Applying this to oneself and others, one is not precluded from having hope, but loses attachment to a particular outcome, trusting in the wisdom of the One Mind to guide.  Freedom and liberation is the result.

Impermanence:  The concept of impermanence urges us to have gratitude for this moment right now thereby inviting another perfect now moment.  It teaches us that suffering is not permanent.  The knowledge of impermanence can bring great comfort during times of suffering and can heighten gratitude for the beauty of life.  If we are in the present moment, all the beauty of the universe is given to us as a gift of love.  Learning to see and appreciate it with the knowledge that it is constantly changing brings a depth and sweetness to life that is so precious.  Everything is changing all the time, nothing lasts forever.  Suffering increases when we don’t recognize this.

Don’t Take Things Personally:  This teaching comes from The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.  It is the second of the Four Agreements that we can make with ourselves that have the power to free us from a life of suffering.  This agreement is a lot like non-attachment, but relates more to other people’s opinions of us.  When we take things personally we are agreeing with whatever is being said.  Otherwise it could not disturb our peace.  If someone tells you you’re fat, but you know you are not fat, the words don’t have any effect.  But if you agree with that assessment, even on an unconscious level, it can cause you to react negatively, resulting in suffering.  Why suffer over the thinking of someone else?

This agreement applies to praise as well as blame, insults and criticism.  If you take your sense of self-worth from the opinions of others, you will ride an emotional roller coaster until you learn to stop.  Because I’m human I tend to like praise better than blame, but, as most people have seen in their own lives, both praise and blame have little to do with who you are.  The same person will praise you one day and blame you the next depending on whether your actions please them.  By refusing to take things personally, it is possible to break an addiction to praise and be immune to blame, insults and criticism.  This immunity leads to authenticity and peace.

Wu Wei: This Taoist principle encourages non-action, which sounds like it is encouraging doing nothing, but that’s not quite it.  According to Stuart Wilde, Wu Wei is effortless flow and to better understand it, one can compare struggle with effort.  While it is not possible to walk to the store without effort, you can go there without struggle.  Struggle does not have to be a part of the way we live our lives.  Struggle is effort with a twist of negative emotion.

Practicing Wu Wei is a means of conserving and consolidating our personal power and one of its main characteristics is patience.  Stuart Wilde’s book Silent Power says this: “It is really about patience and flow–moving away from resistance and toward simplicity, relentlessly moving toward your goal with awareness, adjusting your actions as need be–moving without emotion and without exerting yourself too much.”  Wu Wei is about knowing when to take action, not taking it until you know, and knowing you can wait forever if necessary. 

There is a lot more to know about the practice of Wu Wei, but once understood, it truly is a simple concept.  I recommend Stuart Wilde’s book to anyone who wishes to understand this practice a little better. 

Unity: Sharing and creating love is why we are here.  The only reason.  Everything else is minutiae.  We are all connected.  Quantum physics is proving true on a scientific level what the mystics of the ages have always known.  Because we are all connected, what we do to others, we do to ourselves, quite literally.  This is why I say that our salvation lies in the Golden Rule.

The reason these concepts became so dear to me is because together they form the basis for my liberation.  I am free to love anyone I want because I do not ask anything from anyone.  If I love someone who doesn’t love me back, it’s not a big deal.  The fact that I get to love and I can love gives me all I need.  Needing nothing does not mean one can never accept things, it just means that people and things are free to come in and out of our lives without being tainted by grasping and ego based thinking.  It means simply being.

The more I learn the more liberated I feel.  It is so wonderful and amazing to think that a mere 6 years ago I knew only one religion, Christianity, was afraid to learn anything about any others because I didn’t want to go to hell–and now I am writing about Buddhism, Taoism, and Toltec philosophies with a measure of confidence in my understanding of them.  This makes me happy, especially because I am not even close to done yet.  I have a lot of years and a lot more religions left to study.  Right now it’s Jewish mysticism, next year, who knows.

All of the ideas and practices I have shared are profound, yet very simple.  Spiritual practices do not need to be mind-boggling or complicated.  Truth can come to anyone.  One does not have to be a scholar to know the truth.  Scholars know many things, but they do not corner the market on truth.  Fred Alan Wolf, one of the scientists from What the Bleep Do We Know says, better than being in the know is being in the mystery.  I agree.

I have read many books in the past few years, from A Course in Miracles to Doreen Virtue’s angel books.  I have learned things from most of them and I hope the use this blog as a means of sharing the things that have changed my life.  What I won’t do is pretend to have all the answers, because I don’t.  I have learned some things and done my best to practice the ones that make sense to me, but I am human and therefore not perfect.  I offer what I have, but I do not claim to be an expert on anything but my own experience.

The biggest argument in favor of the above practices I have written about is the level of peace they bring to one’s life.  Peace for oneself is a tremendous gift, but the gift of a peaceful person to the entire world is immeasurable.

Learning the lessons

Now that I seem to be leaving this dark period of intense stress and uncertainty, I have this void in my life where all the worry was taking up space in my heart.  I think the way to fill that void is by figuring out what some of the lessons are.

It’s amazing to have lived as many years as I have lived and have only been learning the big lessons for about 6 years.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned in the past few years is to love as unconditionally as possible and strive to give everyone the benefit of every doubt.  It’s really nothing more than the golden rule.  I treat people as I want to be treated.  I love them, forgive them when they make mistakes, give them space and privacy if they want it and try not to interfere with anyone’s free will.

Part of learning how to love has involved hard lessons in expressing love.  I think sometimes people don’t know what to do with me and all my affirmations and quotes and going on about love all the time.  It’s not that easy to explain to those who haven’t been through what I have been through.  Part of it is just me, I’ve always had a sense of urgency about life that makes me come across as intense, which I am.  But the other part is that I have many years of non-expression to make up for.  Not because I think I was doing anything wrong all those years, I was certainly doing the best I could with what I had to work with, but as one who now understands the power of love, I want to put as much of it into the world as I can before I move on to the next assignment.

Because I grew up in a world of criticism and detachment, I didn’t really learn how to connect with people on a heart level.  It has caused all manner of difficulty in my relationships.  Once I realized that negative criticism is not a proper way to communicate with anyone, all my relationships improved.  I’m not here to judge anyone.  I’m here to affirm all the goodness I see and accept the rest as part of the deal.  Not judge it as negative, just accept it for what it is, something that doesn’t feel good to me.  Right and wrong are not clear distinctions.  There is so much unknown at any given time that the best we can do is know that we don’t know what anyone is dealing with and give them the compassion we would want for ourselves when we are carrying invisible burdens in our hearts.

One of the things I have learned to do is tell people how I feel about them.  Because I feel really happy about most people most of the time.  I think people are beautiful and complicated.  And I want them to know I appreciate them.  There is no way to describe the joy this has brought to my life.  From waiting in line at the post office to nearly every phone conversation I have.  When you look for the beauty in people, you will find it.

I think most people are longing to be seen.  I think everyone has beauty they keep hidden because this is a harsh world and not everyone can be trusted with our hearts.  When we encounter someone unconditionally accepting and loving, the natural inclination is to open like a flower.  One of the greatest privileges of my life is to watch people blossom before my eyes because they know that I see what is true in them.  I think I have always had this gift but I have only been able to appreciate it since learning to be present and aware.

There have been people in my life, especially in the past 5 or 6 years, who have no idea how wonderful they are.  When I show them they are amazed.  Some of them couldn’t handle it.  One in particular I can think of decided some things about himself that are not the truth of who he is and what I saw didn’t match how he saw himself.   So instead of bringing comfort, it brought him confusion and misery.  Sometimes being in the gaze of loving eyes is uncomfortable.  I get that.  I’ve experienced it myself and it can be overwhelming.

It gives me joy when people awaken to their own beauty and greatness because of something I have said to them.  And I am humbled when people express amazement at my ability to do that.  That is a question I have been asked so many times in the past few years.  How I see the good through all of the other stuff.  It takes practice, but it’s so worth it.

The most profound lesson I learned in the art of transformative thinking was from Thich Nhat Hanh.  I was fresh out of 20 years of Christianity and things were in chaos all around me.  My marriage was over, I was in the middle of law school and pretty sure I should have gotten a PhD in history instead, and for the first time in my life I was spending enough time alone to see myself clearly.  There was a lot of garbage in there.  I read in one of Thich Nhat Hanh’s books that everything is in a constant state of transformation.  Today’s garbage is tomorrow’s flower.  We take the garbage, make compost of it, and grow a beautiful flower.  That idea touched me so profoundly that it changed my life and I became determined to make beauty out of everything that life presents.  Between that and learning the most simple meditation on earth, also from Thich Nhat Hanh, my life has been transformed into one of eternal hope rather than despair.

I think the recent lessons have been to remember that if I stay true to love, the only force in the world that is real, nothing can ever really hurt me again.  If love is the motivation for all my actions, I will be at peace.  If I am not at peace then I know that I need to  adjust my perspective and find the love.  That’s all there is.  Life is not nearly as complicated as we try to make it.

“Like a lotus flower that grows out of the mud and blossoms above the muddy water surface, we can rise above our defilements and sufferings of life.”

Impermanence is a beautiful thing.

The Road

Last night I watched a movie with my kids, The Road, a post apocalyptic story of a father and son traveling the barren earth trying to stay safe while being followed by cannibals and others willing to do harm to survive.  The boy was born after the unnamed catastrophe that afflicted the earth, so the gray devastation was how the world had always looked to him.  Throughout their journey, the father was trying to show the son that he couldn’t trust anyone, that if they shared what they had they would suffer and that he must learn to see things differently if he wanted to survive.

The son was about 8 years old and in spite of all he must have seen in his short life, he wanted to help everyone they encountered and had a lot of difficulty with the violence required to survive.   He was the brightest, most innocent light against this dark, depressing backdrop.

We rented this movie from Netflix because it sounded like it might be suspenseful and just scary enough to be entertaining, but not enough to induce nightmares.  I suppose there was a little of both of those qualities present in the film, but the thing that stood out to me was the heart of the little boy.

I do not see that boy as being different from any child.  In fact, considering the recent events in Japan, I believe there are many children currently facing a version of the nightmare presented in the film.

Children are amazing.  My kids are much older, the youngest are teenagers, but I have often been surprised at what gentle, optimistic souls they are no matter what happens in their world.  I protect them as best I can, but they have not had it all that easy all of the time.  They haven’t had a lot of the things that so many kids take for granted and yet, they never complain or whine about their circumstances.  They are truly an inspiration to me at times.

This movie touched my heart so deeply that I thought about it for hours afterward.  I cried pretty hard a few times at the pure innocence of the little boy.  It makes me tear up now just thinking about it.  Even when they themselves had gone long periods without food, the boy wanted to share what little they had with passing strangers on the road.  In one instance, they came across an old man who immediately thought they were going to rob him.  Instead, the boy convinced his father to give the man a can of fruit they had scavenged from an abandoned farmhouse.  After agreeing reluctantly and telling his son that no, they could not keep him, the father invited the old man to eat dinner with them.  After dinner they parted ways and the pair continued on their journey.

This movie was so profound because regardless of the backdrop or landscape, we all suffer, it’s a fact of life.  It’s one of the first things I learned from Buddhism–life is suffering and the cause of suffering is attachment, clinging and grasping.  Much of the suffering we humans experience is self-created and can be relieved by putting things into perspective and letting go of attachment.  I would say that the father in the movie suffered because he felt he had to hold onto everything so there would be enough for him and his son.  And the father was willing to do things to survive that his little boy’s mind and heart could not comprehend. As is human nature before the time we are taught otherwise, this boy’s heart was filled with compassion and a desire to ease the suffering he saw all around him.

There was one scene when the father was chastising the son about his generous nature and he told the boy the reason he was able to be that way was that he was not the one who had to worry about things, about protecting them and making sure they survive.  The boy replied that yes, he was the one who had to worry and be concerned about how they were going to make it.  So honest and yet, so revealing that in every circumstance, no matter how dire or bleak, we have a choice as to how to respond.  The father understandably responded to their situation with fear, but the boy responded with love and compassion.  It was beautiful.

Part of me understands this boy on such a fundamental level.  I was raised by fearful parents.  Fearful and capable of violence, just like the dad in the movie.  My family also did all they could to convince me that the world is a bad and dangerous place full of people who wish to harm me and take everything from me.  My family had a strong work ethic, but also had a kill or be killed attitude.  It’s one of the reasons I never felt like I fit in and probably one the biggest reasons I am estranged from them today.

Though the movie ended while the little boy was still a child, I wonder if the character was able to keep that childlike innocence.  I truly believe that cultivating such innocence in oneself is what makes the difference between living a life of cold hardness and a life of open-hearted compassion.  Compassion does not come from the rational, ego-driven place in us, it comes from the heart.  And it is cultivated by keeping things in perspective.  The father in the movie was afraid of someone taking what little he was able to accumulate for him and his son.  I’m sure he didn’t actively want to hurt anyone, but he was willing to resort to violence to protect their stuff. But the truth is, nobody can steal from us what we give with an open hand and an open heart.

Suffering comes from attachment.  There is no thing worth the suffering that comes with trying to keep it.  And there is only one constant in life, change.  Impermanence is the way of things.  We will lose everything we cling to, the clinging only means we will suffer as we lose those things.

We are born into this life alone with nothing and we will leave it the same way.  No amount of clinging or grasping can change that.  So maybe the key to making the in between parts more peaceful and joyous lies in letting go.

It’s been a long time since a movie has had such an effect on me.  The Road goes straight to my list of favorites and I look forward to thinking more about the messages contained in it.

May all creatures have peace and ease of well-being.

Cheryl

 

Spiritual alchemy

I spend a fair amount of time thinking about what I would describe as spiritual alchemy.  Meaning the transmutation of one kind of energy into another, the spiritual equivalent of transforming base metals into gold.  To me, this is one of the most valuable and powerful metaphysical skill sets a person can have.  A person who can change their reality by changing their perspective is a person who can accomplish anything, in my opinion.

I am a student of these practices.  I will always be a student.  Even when the time comes that I am teaching others what I know.  I guess that time actually has come, since I am attempting to share my insights through this blog.

Although there is a lot of room for improvement in my ability to quickly shift my perspective to keep my thoughts at the frequency that will bring success, I get glimpses of my own power sometimes that make me eager to continue growing in this direction.

Today was one of those glimpses.

My car is currently parked and not working.  It’ll be fixed in a couple of days and really, if I had to pick a time to have my car out of commission, this is one of the best.  It caused me some distress on Friday because of some things I had to cancel that I didn’t want to, but other than that, there is no need in my immediate future that can’t be accomplished walking or by public transit.

I’m a car person.  I got my first car when I was 16 and have had one ever since.  I think nothing of getting in the car and driving to places that are within walking distance.  It just doesn’t even occur to me to walk.  And yet I know that walking is not only good exercise, but is an amazing way to meditate.

Walking meditation is something I learned from books by Thich Nhat Hanh.  It’s really not different from sitting meditation except that it is moving.  It’s all about being present in the moment and being aware with each step.  Basically it’s acknowledging with every step that you are walking and breathing in the present moment, and doing your best to hold that thought to the exclusion of other thoughts that want to take over the mind, that chatter that many people aren’t even aware is the background of their existence.  The problem with the chatter is that if you slow down long enough to pay attention to it, it can be horrifying to discover the negative self-talk that makes up the majority of the noise in our heads.  So any break from this is for a person’s ultimate good.

The concept of meditation is simple, but its practice requires discipline and an internal fortitude that many find difficult, even those with experience.  I’m totally willing to admit it’s difficult.  It takes a lot of effort for me to focus for more than a few seconds at a time most of the time.  I actually find it easier to meditate while walking because there is a certain level of present moment awareness that is required to keep walking that is not required for sitting meditation.

So knowing what an amazing gift walking is, seems like something I would be doing all the time.  But I haven’t been.  Because of the car…and habit…and being in a rut.  Having one way of doing things and never considering another way.

Earlier today I decided I wanted to cook one of my favorite comfort foods for dinner.  But I was lacking a couple of ingredients.  I could have called someone I suppose, but I didn’t really want to.  After some of my recent walks to and from the repair shop where I took my car, I have been looking forward to walking more.  So I did today.  And it was a pretty magical experience.

As I walked my mind started to wander, but I decided this would be a good time to exercise control over that.  So I just kept bringing my attention back to my breath and my steps.  And the result is that I started to notice everything around me, in very vivid detail.

The world looks very different to a pedestrian than it does to a driver or passenger.  That alone starts the shift in perspective that can bring about a change in attitude that can ultimately lead to a change in reality.  Bring awareness to it and walking turns into an exercise in transformation.

I saw garbage, a pair of gloves and a pot holder on the ground right by my house.  I heard birds over the whooshing of the freeway.  I stopped to look at a community garden and I observed people hurrying to get to super bowl parties.

If I had been driving I wouldn’t have seen any of those things because I would have been one of those people rushing.  And not because I was going to a super bowl party.  I would have because I could.  Walking caused me not to be in a hurry because it was going to take me a while anyway, plus I have no agenda today, so it just didn’t matter.  And the entire trip took less than an hour.

On the walk home I realized that not only am I not trapped, which is how I have been feeling without my car, I am absolutely liberated.  Not having  a working car only stops me to the extent that I refuse to think of other options.  I was limiting myself by thinking of my car as my only transportation and was therefore causing my own misery.  By choosing to walk, I felt empowered in a way I would not have if I would have asked a friend to drive me.  And I realized that I am only stoppable if I let myself be.

When I had the epiphany of my own freedom, it brought a sense of joy that was so lovely.  In that moment I knew that I changed my reality by changing the way I was choosing to look at the situation.  And I knew that if I can continue this practice, there is nothing I can’t accomplish.

So it turns out that having the car break at this time under these circumstances provided me an opportunity that I would not have had if it had broken during a time when I needed to go to work or to an interview or something.  I do have time for this right now.  This is fine, there is nothing wrong in this picture.  That is very different from where I was even a couple of days ago.

And I find it poetic that the thing that brought about this realization was me being forced to deal with the reality of my situation because I wanted my favorite comfort food for dinner.  I found comfort today on so many levels that tonight’s dinner may be the grandest feast I have ever prepared, out of the simplest ingredients.  Both literally and metaphorically.  How lovely is that?

It is my wish to share all the joy I find for myself with the world.

Many blessings.

Cheryl