Things are looking up

I’m feeling pretty thankful tonight. Something has finally shifted in my romantic life. Not a huge shift, but there is movement and that is progress I haven’t felt in a while.

Just over 2 years ago my heart was broken by a person I had spent 3.5 years of my life with in the closest, most intimate relationship I had ever been in. I was left wondering and still wonder at times what happened. He has never explained and has never spoken to me again despite my attempts to find closure so I could move on with my life.

Before I even had a chance to get over that one I met someone I felt like I had spent many lifetimes with and though our relationship remained platonic, I found myself in love with this person. It’s been a year since I last saw him and he also left me with a lot of questions about what happened and why he disappeared so suddenly.

These two relationships destroyed my self-confidence and I have spent most of the last two years trying to feel okay again.

The shift started at the new job. There is a guy there who is nerdy and adorable and I like him. Doesn’t matter if anything ever comes of it, the fact that I have a little crush is huge for me. It just doesn’t happen that often. I don’t connect with people that easily, but I definitely feel an attraction to this cute guy at my job. This makes me so happy.

I don’t know if finding someone cute opened my mind to possibilities, but just today I was contacted by three cute guys over the online dating site. One of them is more than just cute, he’s gorgeous…14 years younger than me…and I don’t even care! Normally I would rule him out immediately because of his age, but when I saw his pictures my age cut off went straight out the window.

I feel so happy and grateful that this area of my life is moving again. I have felt stuck for so long and I started to worry that I was going to spend the rest of my life pining over my friend. I miss him, but now I know I can move on. I’m so relieved I can’t even adequately express it.

Life feels a little sparkly and magical right now. I plan to enjoy this fully.

Old journals

Wow.

I’m going through boxes, throwing things away and I found the  journal I was writing in when I met the opera singer who broke my heart.  The reason I feel like I should share this is that there are always signs pointing to things that seem to come as a surprise.  Nothing ever really comes out of left field.  The power of denial is amazing.  Here are some of the first things I wrote about this guy, before meeting him in person:

12/2/2005–I’ve been e-mailing this guy named ____.  He seems nice enough.  He doesn’t really have the most secure work habits though and I guess that is a bit of a red flag. Ya think?

That guy ____ wrote back to me.  I think he may be too cynical for me. Oy.

12/9/2005–I don’t think _____ is lying about things because if he were going to bother to lie, wouldn’t he try to make it at least sound impressive?

What’s the worst that could happen?  I could sleep with him and then find out he’s a loser/asshole/jerk and have my heart broken in the process.   I guess the best case scenario is that we could become really good and close friends and stay that way for a long time.  What if he is supposed to be the love of my life?  Wouldn’t that be a trip? It turned out to be a little of both.

12/22/2005–I need to slow this thing down, it’s going too fast.  I have other things I need to do, I have to finish what I started (law school). Hello, do you even hear yourself?

Four days after the 12/22 entry saying I needed to slow it down, I met him in person and our first date lasted 3 days.  And thus began the most intense roller coaster ride of my life that went on for the next 3 1/2 years, at which point he not only broke my heart, he shattered it, and my entire world came crashing down with it.  Looking back, it was one of the biggest favors anyone has ever done for me.  Not because I think badly of him, I don’t, and it’s not that I’m glad he’s out of my life.  To this day I think he is one of the most beautiful souls I have ever met.  I will always have a soft place in my heart for him.  He’s a good person who sometimes wreaks havoc in people’s lives.  I wasn’t the only one it happened to and I really shouldn’t have been surprised, he tried to warn me.

So now I know that I needed to be that devastated so I could find my way to where I am now, which is a much better place in so many ways than I have ever been.  If I hadn’t needed that exact experience, somehow I would have avoided getting involved with him.  His actions forced me to take a hard look at myself and when I did, what I saw was not pretty.  From there I have been able to make changes and for the first time in my life I feel like I am living an authentic life and that I am no longer hiding the real me from the world.  For better or worse, this is it.  This is who I am.  Parts of me have remained constant, like my desire to do good in the world, but some of the darker, more manipulative parts were brought into the light, where they disappeared.

It seems weird to be thankful for something that caused me that much pain, but I have long thought that painful experiences should not be wasted.  Good can come of anything if we are willing to look at things from a different perspective.  My entire life has been preparing me to be the person I am now and while I am far from perfect, when I look at myself now, I see radiant beauty.

Though I have no reason to think he reads any of my blogs, on the off chance he does read this one, I have one thing to say: Thank you.