Crossroads

It is interesting having options. I prefer it to not, but making life decisions can be stressful, especially when you feel you’ve made poor ones in the past.

I find myself at a crossroads in more than one area of life right now. There is nothing bad happening; it’s all very positive, all about choices, but I find myself terrified at the thought of making decisions that will disturb the status quo too much. I’ve been through so much the past couple years and things are finally starting to settle down. Do I want to stay settled and risk getting in a rut or do I want to stir things up a little and see what I can make of it?

Recently I have been finding a lot more joy in life. When a certain amount of stress is missing, it makes it a lot easier to appreciate things and be present and not preoccupied. I appreciate that so much. I believe it is out of this sense of joy that some of the options before me have manifested.

That is a very important thing to remember in a situation like the one in which I currently find myself. Nothing that shows up in my life does so apart from my intention to have certain experiences. There is nothing I can experience that I am not open to experiencing. If I were not open, situations would not present themselves. Everything that is going on in my life right now is the result of the thoughts I have been thinking up to now. It’s not all pretty, I’d be lying if I said it was. But some really beautiful people and situations have come into my life and sometimes when I think about what and who I am attracting, it makes me really happy to know that the universe is responding to what I am offering. It’s truly humbling.

I have to make a career decision within the next 24 hours. And there are other, more personal decisions to make right now too. The personal stuff is not pressing, so for the moment, I deal with the issue before me.

It boils down to a cost/benefit analysis. What’s more important, money or happiness? On the grand scale that question is very easy to answer. But on the small-scale, the distinction is a much finer one.

This is one of those situations that is too big for me to figure out on my own. I need to pray and then clear my mind of the thought of it. Once I give the question over, the answer will come.

The more I live, the more I figure out that thinking is such a flawed way of problem solving much of the time. The ability to reason is flawed in the best of analytical thinkers. I’ve reasoned my way through many issues. I’ve been formally trained in logic and analysis. But the answers to the truly important questions always come in the silence. When I get out of the way, things tend to work out just fine.

I put myself in the hands of God. And I have faith that I will find beauty on my journey regardless of which path I take.

Amen.

A touch of grace

Why are we humans so attached to our problems? I suppose it could just be me, but even with all the spiritual self-discipline I have at times, sometimes I still struggle and grapple with a problem until it’s too painful to handle anymore before I will let go.

The thing about letting go is, even though it usually happens while one is at the edge of the pit of despair, the relief is immediate and palpable.

I had a particularly emotionally difficult night a couple of nights ago. So many things coming at me from multiple directions. Way more than I could process and expect to sleep at all before work. By the time I got home, less than 4 hours before I was supposed to be at work, I was freezing from walking outside for a couple of hours and my heart was heavy. I got into bed trying to warm up, but lay shivering for some time. As I was lying there hoping to settle down enough to go to sleep, I experienced a moment of grace.

My thoughts were racing from an earlier interaction with a friend that caught me off guard. I was crying. And I realized that, with regard to the particular situation that was troubling me, I have no answers anymore. It needed to be turned over to God. Trying to figure it out, which is something I have been putting effort into for far longer than just recently, causes distress.

When I reached the end of my rope, I prayed…in the name of Jesus, something I haven’t done in a long time because I am no longer a member of a church and I don’t consider myself a Christian by the standard definition. What happened was a small miracle. It was after 3 a.m. and I get up for work at 6 a.m. I was tearful and cold and felt very alone. It was one of those situations where I could have lain awake for hours, but knew I needed at least a little sleep to be able to do my job. So I simply said: I am out of answers, this situation requires grace, not obsessive worry. Jesus, please take this burden from my heart so I can rest a few hours before work. Then I fell asleep.

It was amazing because the effect was immediate. I said the prayer, closed my eyes and went to sleep instantly. I don’t fall asleep that easily on a normal day when everything is good. I’ve always had trouble shutting my mind off. I feel tremendous gratitude for this miracle.

Two very big lessons came to me from this experience.

The first is that even though it can feel uncomfortable, that dark place, the place of despair where you’ve run out of ideas, that’s not a bad place…unless you stay there spinning your wheels. That moment is the moment of grace, if you are willing to receive it. If you are willing to truly let things go and put no more energy into struggling. It’s really quite beautiful.

The other insight I gained from the experience is just because I am not a Christian by other people’s standards does not mean that I am no longer allowed to call upon the name of Jesus. That is a relationship nobody can take from me and I should never have given it up voluntarily.

Because of my understanding of religion and metaphor, it should have been clear to me that the name of Jesus does not belong to anyone exclusively. Jesus belongs to anyone who anyone who wants to connect with him.

In the truly difficult moments I am always somehow reminded that I am not alone. For this I am eternally grateful.

Namaste.

Tao Te Ching, verse 8

Have you ever really contemplated water or meditated on its nature? Is it possible to be as wonderful as water? Welcome to my Tuesday evening, here’s what we’re thinking about tonight:

8

The supreme good is like water,
which nourishes all things without trying to.
It is content with the low places that people disdain.
Thus it is like the Tao.

In dwelling, live close to the ground.
In thinking, keep to the simple.
In conflict, be fair and generous.
In governing, don’t try to control.
In work, do what you enjoy.
In family life, be completely present.

When you are content to be simply yourself
and don’t compare or compete,
everybody will respect you.

Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu

Lennon love

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.” ~John Lennon

Today is the 31st anniversary of the death of John Lennon. I remember the moment I heard the news. I don’t know how sad I was, but it was certainly shocking. It was many years after he was gone that I realized how connected I am to John Lennon. He is a kindred spirit. I seem to often find kindred spirits in musicians. And writers.

Part of what I like about the above quote is that he makes being in love sound like the most natural state in the world. And I believe that to be true. The thing I have figured out over the past few years is that the more we come to understand our authentic nature, the more it’s possible to be in love all the time regardless of what types of relationships are involved. The person who refrains from being in love for lack of a romantic partner is a foolish person in my opinion. There is an entire world full of people who need love and if we have it to give, we should, as freely and unconditionally as possible.

Earlier this evening I was thinking about some things and people in my life and I had an overwhelming feeling of love in my heart. Not just for the people who have pleased me and said what I wanted to hear. I felt sincere gratitude for the people I have been hurt by and whom I have hurt. We can’t make it through this life without being hurt and hurting others. That makes those people very valuable. Of all the people on earth that we could possibly meet, the ones who show up in our lives are the ones we are meant to know…for a reason. I believe that reason involves honoring each other for the thing we share in common.

Christmas is supposed to be the season of love. I really hope more people find the love inside themselves and let it pour out into the world.

God bless John Lennon

 

 

 

Willing heart

Life is bittersweet sometimes.

Things are still a ways from being perfect, but sometimes when I think about how the universe works, I am humbled and amazed.

On November 2, when I was in the deepest, darkest place of uncertainty, I tweeted this: The universe is bringing everything my family needs to keep going. I believe this and I give thanks in advance. ❤ I had very little tangible evidence to support that statement and I knew, even then, that my belief was in something much bigger than the circumstances in which I found myself.

Faith is like a muscle that is built by accepting what life brings with as much grace and equanimity as can be mustered. I do this to the best of my ability, though I will admit I do not always succeed, and sometimes feel very petty and weak.

Composing that tweet was a conscious and aware decision. I knew what my situation was, I knew something needed to happen, and I knew I had nothing I could point to as an indicator that things would be okay. But I knew that believing that things would not be okay was not an option. If I go around thinking things are going to suck and then they suck, I feel like I contributed to that outcome. But when I am truly able to believe things will work out, they do. It’s beautiful, especially when the connection between the belief and the outcome seems obvious.

A few days after posting the tweet, a friend tipped me off to a potential earning opportunity, which resulted in another friend offering to employ me until my permanent job starts. It’s not a lottery win, but it is a giant step toward things being okay again. I feel the difference the most in my heart. I have been carrying some heavy, heavy burdens with very few people to talk to. But once I finally told someone how scared I was feeling and how hard things have been, it started getting better immediately.

Faith requires a willingness to admit the truth about ourselves and about life. If we can do this with compassion, the universe responds…with loving kindness. God–whatever that means to a person–loves us. It is humanity that is harsh with itself.

The moments of truth that lead up to the tweet declaration were of the Jesus take the wheel variety. I was praying a lot and while talking to God about my life and circumstances, I finally came to the question Whatcha gonna do? And my answer was: I got nothin’, God. That place of ultimate surrender. The place where you have to surrender because there are no other options.

Grace only comes where it is truly needed. It is not welcome when we choose to grapple and struggle with things on our own. It is in giving up, saying fuck it to the cosmos, that we create the space necessary for grace to enter our hearts. When it happens, it is sublime. At the same time, I realize that some moments can’t be experienced if things are always going smoothly. We experience joy in proportion to our capacity to endure hardship without bitterness. In proportion to our willingness to see things as good no matter how they seem on the surface. How do I know my experience is good? Because it is the one I am having.

On November 2, I didn’t know what I was going to do to get my life back on track, but I knew one thing, I was willing…to do whatever it would take…and to be open and unconditionally accepting [of myself] in my darkest moments.

I see the light again.

Because of the difficulties that my life has been blessed with, I have experienced the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding. How can I fail to be grateful for this?

If any of this resonates, please check out Chapter 18, section 5 of A Course in Miracles. I actually looked it up just prior to writing this post, well after my own recent miracle was underway, but it so beautifully completes my thoughts here. And much more eloquently.

The thing at the top of my gratitude list these days? Sleeping soundly.

Amen.

Lucid dreams

I want to do some research on lucid dreaming. I have had several experiences with it and I would like to know how a person can use this phenomenon to empower themselves in their waking life. The experiences are so remarkable that I have a hard time believing they are not some link or portal between dimensions. It definitely feels that way.

My most recent lucid dream was during an afternoon nap a couple of days ago. I dreamed about my ex-boyfriend. It felt like he was actually there. In the dream we were outside and I was wearing his coat. And it was quite specifically his coat, the one he wore the entire time we were together. Having worn this coat before, I am familiar with how it feels, the fabric, the lining, the exact weight of it, how big it was, and how small I felt wearing it.

So in this dream we were walking outside and when we reached his destination, I was preparing to give his coat back. Suddenly I could feel the coat. All the things I described about it, I could feel them in my dream. I could also feel the cool Fall air. Then I had this insight, in the dream, about how amazing it was I could feel these sensations while I was dreaming. I had full awareness that I was dreaming while it was happening! It was really enjoyable for those moments before I woke up. The dream itself was happy and pleasant and the moment of realization was gentle and comforting. When I felt myself wearing the coat in the dream, I remembered how safe I always felt with this person. I think the coat symbolizes feeling protected by him. It was a lovely experience.

The last time I had a lucid dream was several months ago. I can’t remember the dream other than I remember being outside, but I remember questioning my lucidity.

Someone told me that sleep paralysis and false awakening, which in my experience are very frightening, are related to lucid dreaming. If that is so, it makes sense. I’ve experienced both repeatedly and they feel similar to the lucid dream, only scary. I feel like I have been developing this ability for years. And it is sort of seems like a natural by-product of my spiritual practices, which is so great.

The thing I discovered a couple of days ago is that lucid dreams have the power to heal. It seems to be an opportunity to revisit things that bother us. For me, any time I can have a happy memory of my ex-boyfriend, it’s a good thing. Because aside from his lack of skill in ending relationships, he was one of the most lovely people I have ever known. Smart, kind, loyal, protective, and affectionate. Those are the memories I want to take forward with me, not the painful stuff. It felt like the dream helped me move in that direction.

This presents me with a most interesting opportunity. If we can manage our thoughts and emotions during our dreams and then feel a tangible difference in our perspective during full wakefulness, the consequences could be huge.

I’m very interested in learning more and knowing others’ experience with this phenomenon.

It’s called practice for a reason

I’ve been slacking spiritually. This happens from time to time and it doesn’t feel very good, but sometimes I get so preoccupied with worrying about stuff that I let go of the wrong things. I still find myself inspired by the seemingly mundane, but I need to get back to a more regular habit of meditation, especially the metta meditations. My spiritual practice has become rather weak lately.

My life goes most smoothly when I am blessing and uplifting my fellow humans. I’ve been doing less of that recently and I need to step it up. In fact, last night I found myself saying some pretty unfortunate things about some people I met at my last job. There were some truly unusual people at that job and I have struggled to see the good in some of them. But what I need to remember is anything negative I recognize in someone else is but a reflection of some aspect of myself that I do not wish to face. When I am able to remember this I am able to care about people regardless of their behavior.

Just as in gratitude, in forgiveness sometimes we have to take things down to the very basics. Just as sometimes life becomes so difficult it is necessary to give thanks for just being able to survive ones circumstances, sometimes we have to look at others as people who are doing their best, no matter how unfortunate their best might be, and know that all beings just want to be happy. Sometimes people just stray really far from the truth and seek happiness where it cannot be found. It’s a form of hell. And it’s hard to see people stuck there.

I need to reconnect with the Source because every once in a while when I am talking with someone, I say things that I know have come from a wisdom much higher than my own. And I know for certain that when I am diligent about meditation and spiritual study, those moments happen more frequently. Synchronicities become an everyday occurrence. It’s easy to forgive people and it’s easy to love them. Life takes on a sparkly, magical quality. It’s like being in love…with the whole world. It’s the most amazing thing ever.

Seriously, who wouldn’t want to feel like that? It’s intoxicating.

I set my intention, once again, to the path I have chosen and I look forward to daily miracles.

Our spiritual well-being requires constant care, just like our physical well-being. It’s never a done deal. I am happy to put forth the effort for the sake of my fellow humans.

 

Writing from the heart

Blogging is complicated. I have been doing it seriously and religiously since the beginning of this year and have learned one very important thing: I never want to stop writing, ever.

When I started this blog about a year ago, I was totally ignorant of most of the technical and aesthetic aspects of blogging. A year later, better, but still no expert. I’ll get there.

Watching this blog develop slowly has been a great blessing. I can look back over my year and see what happened in my life and what and how I chose to share. This gives me insight into myself and my motivations.

I truly believe that choosing to heal one’s wounds publicly, if done in a helpful way, can help others heal as well.

In the coming year I intend to develop technical expertise and a clear sense of direction for this blog. Not that there is no place in the reading world for meandering, stream of consciousness writing. And that may be the way it turns out, we’ll see. My goal is to make it easier to read. I know what my basic message is–it’s about hope, joy, compassion, humor and love. Beyond that I just write whatever pops into my head. I rarely know more than a day in advance what I’ll be writing about.

I’m sure the answer to the question of direction lies somewhere in the middle. Being more organized never hurts, but it’s important to remain flexible. If I were to write only on scheduled, prescribed topics, it would take much of the joy out of the practice. And it likely wouldn’t sound much like the real me. Being able to pop open a computer and share the contents of my mind with the entire world is pretty great. I’m a better person for having written this blog, that much I know.

The other thing I know is that there is no need to rush to accomplish anything in particular, we have all the time in the world.

May the coming weeks and months bring clarity and the power of love to this blog. May I choose thoughts and words that will rain down blessings on us all. May I write from the purest place in my heart.

Amen

Fountain of youth

Sometimes the obvious comes to me as a flash of insight.

I was sitting here contemplating my face, my appearance and my age and it suddenly occurred to me why I am often told I look much younger than my chronological age. I smile a lot. I like smiling, it feels good. It is the natural physical expression of joy. Just as frowning is the natural physical expression of despair. Nothing we put on our skin can correct the thoughts that that express themselves on our faces.

As I was feeling the skin on my face, which is still remarkably firm and free of wrinkles, I realized that just like the rest of the body, the face is full of muscles. What happens to muscles when we don’t use them? They turn to flab. And that is what makes people look old.

Smiling uses most of the facial muscles. Doing it often keeps those muscles strong. Consider it a workout for your face.

Another interesting thing about smiling is it magically produces the very mental state it expresses, happiness. It’s nearly impossible not to feel happier when smiling. That’s what makes it a good cure for depression and I’m sure a variety of physical ills as well.

Smile therapy should be an area of scientific research if it is not already. There’s no way to know the depths of its healing powers unless we examine it.

Though I have been blessed with good hair and skin and I take decent care of myself, I believe the reason I look younger than my years is because I smile and ultimately, if you follow the logic, the attitudes and beliefs that produce those smiles.

Though my life is not perfect, I do have a very big advantage because I think young thoughts. My chosen perspective is one of love, joy, innocence, forgiveness and acceptance. The reason life’s struggles do not show on my face is because I keep the struggle to a minimum. Acknowledge it and let it go, whatever it is. This clears the path for the joyous thoughts that radiate from our faces when we think them. This is why children and babies smile so much, they can’t help it…they have happy thoughts most of the time.

Once I went on a date after which the guy said he felt sort of embarrassed because I smile so much and it made him realize he doesn’t. Since we only went out the one time and I have had minimal contact with him since, I have to wonder if that realization made any difference in his life. Did he find more reasons to smile? I hope so.

The world is a beautiful place filled with lovely people and things. It’s impossible to know that and not go around grinning and giggling.

Smile…and be young forever.

 

The meaning of success

“Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” ~Winston Churchill

In America, we often define success in terms of professional achievement and accumulation of material objects. With the economy the way it is and unemployment at such a high rate, it seems we need to find a new way to define success and we need to do it as quickly as possible. If we do not, it is my belief that we will prolong this recession or depression or whatever it is we are dealing with at this time. If we continue to define success in the ways we have, the result is that more people will feel like failures.

There was a time when I had the things that are currently missing from my life, a stable job and a committed relationship. Guess what? I wasn’t happy. The job was okay, until it wasn’t, but the marriage was like a millstone around my neck. Unhappiness was such a big part of my life that I didn’t even know what was causing it. The pervasive and all too familiar dissatisfaction was the result of a life spent wishing things were other than how they actually were. That and identifying too strongly with societal norms. Looking at life this way makes it very difficult to figure out the cause of one’s own suffering.

In my attempts to be happy and to make something out of my life, I left the job and the marriage and pursued an education instead. I don’t regret the schooling, but it hasn’t provided the financial and professional stability that I thought it would, so in that sense, it’s just something cool I did for myself.

Like so many others in this country, I have had difficulty finding steady employment in my field. I find myself taking jobs that have little to do with my education or experience. What does that say about me? What does that say about any of us?

I am not the only person in America with an advanced degree who has had to accept menial work to keep money coming in. I’ve read stories of people with master’s and doctorate level degrees working for $10 an hour. It happens. Does this make those people unsuccessful?

Most of the time I am able to look at the bigger picture and see that my job does not define me. Neither does my relationship status. But the truth is, there are days when I feel like I have failed to live up to the minimum standard of the so-called American Dream. And I suppose by some people’s definition of success, I have.

Reaching the point of looking at my life and wondering what happened, how I got here and how I’m going to get myself out of the mess I have made, I find myself faced with a couple of choices–give up or find another way of looking at things. For me, giving up is not an option.

One of my friends was telling me about the breakup of his last relationship. He said his girlfriend stopped paying her bills, including her rent, but never told him what was going on. He finally found out about it and asked her what was up. It sounds like even she didn’t really know, but she explained that she couldn’t do it anymore so she just stopped. Stopped doing  the things society expected of her, like paying her bills and communicating with her partner. Soon after they had this conversation she disappeared from his life.

There is a level on which I understand this woman’s behavior. There are times when I want to let it all go. Admittedly those are the times when I feel overwhelmed, which is something I suspect my friend’s ex-girlfriend was feeling, though likely for different reasons than I do at times.

Sometimes the events of life bring me back to the basics of wondering why I am here and how to measure my success. I don’t have many of the material things I used to have and yet overall I am not less happy than I was when I had the things I used to believe were the ingredients of a successful life. In fact, most days I am much more happy.

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

We need a new way of looking at things, a new yardstick by which to measure success. It is my belief that doing so will bring about healing and recovery from what this country has been through the past few years and will shine a light where it needs to be shone, at the ones who have perpetuated the false image that is called the American Dream.