Adieu 2011

As I look back at 2011, I really want to embrace the lessons of the year and just sort of forgive myself for how things unfolded. It was a hard one. The reason it was hard has a lot to do with my shortcomings and lack of awareness. But the great thing is, whenever we are willing, we are able to grow in awareness by facing the people and situations that are in front of us as with as much present moment awareness as possible.

The thing about awareness is, it is the bright light of heaven shone on something previously dark and scary. No monster that you are willing to look in the eye can even continue to exist. That is how powerful our minds are.

I am dating again and it’s going okay this time. When I look back over the past couple of years of dating, I see improvement in some areas where there were a lot of mistakes. I’m still making them, I just recognize things as mistakes a lot more quickly so I make fewer. It’s progress, I’ll take it.

There is a guy I was seeing for several weeks and we’ve had a bit of an unfortunate misunderstanding. I think he feels justifiably righteous and I feel like it’s good to be human, full of flaws, learning from mistakes, being honest, communicating with sincerity. I think he is on the fence about forgiving me for something I said in an e-mail. It’s okay if he takes his time to decide. But it got me to thinking about how many moments invite us to judge one another and how on the other side of those situations lies the real gift, the opportunity to extend forgiveness and compassion to a fellow human being. How can we not forgive each other for not being perfect? We all know that none of us is, but when we choose not to forgive, we are suggesting otherwise.

To forgive doesn’t mean you have to agree with the person’s actions, but you do not mistake the actions for the person themselves. Nobody does things out of a true desire to hurt others, I’m nearly convinced of it. People are motivated by two things, the desire for happiness and the avoidance of suffering. It’s just the things we do to achieve those ends is different for each of us and sometimes when we are seeking happiness or avoiding suffering we interfere with others’ happiness seeking and suffering avoidance. That’s when misunderstandings happen. But when we back up and see that people are not motivated by a desire to do anything to any of us, that they are simply motivated by the same things that drive us all, it’s a little easier to forgive.

When I think about it, the thing we are always dealing with is the illusion of separation. We seek to reconcile with God because of a failure to recognize our oneness with the Divine and we forgive or not forgive our fellow humans for the same thing, for thinking we are separate when we are not. For failing to recognize each other as ourselves and God. It’s the basis for all misunderstanding and sin.

Ourselves, God, and each other. A trinity. A beautiful mystery.

2011 was hard. I declare 2012 the year of forgiveness and gratitude.

Amen.

Tao Te Ching, verse 8

Have you ever really contemplated water or meditated on its nature? Is it possible to be as wonderful as water? Welcome to my Tuesday evening, here’s what we’re thinking about tonight:

8

The supreme good is like water,
which nourishes all things without trying to.
It is content with the low places that people disdain.
Thus it is like the Tao.

In dwelling, live close to the ground.
In thinking, keep to the simple.
In conflict, be fair and generous.
In governing, don’t try to control.
In work, do what you enjoy.
In family life, be completely present.

When you are content to be simply yourself
and don’t compare or compete,
everybody will respect you.

Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu

Reliving the past

Yesterday was hectic. By the time the day was over all I wanted was to take a bath. Spending even a few minutes soaking in hot water relaxes me. Hot showers are similarly restorative. I think baths should smell really good, but natural, like herbs and plants. My favorite bubble bath is peppermint and eucalyptus. Those smells have the power to erase stress from my mind.

It is very easy [for me] to enter a meditative state while submerged in hot water. So that’s how I use part of my bath time. Every time I get out of the tub I feel like a new person, which I find kind of poetic because of the obvious biblical metaphor of baptism. Water carries some of the heaviest symbolism of all the elements. It mesmerizes me, and I am in awe of it.

Valuable insights come during bubble baths. New ways of looking at old things.

Awareness enhances every experience we have. I find getting to know people with awareness to be very eye-opening. When we are present and aware, we can observe ourselves and hear what we are telling others and how we are telling it. It is revelatory if one chooses to look deeply.

Recently I met a new friend whom I like and respect and I have also been strengthening my connections to some of my older friends. It’s gotten me thinking about the past. We get to know new people by sharing our old stories and I suppose we can change our relationships with old friends by being willing to tell a new story. I recently realized that as I relive my stories by telling them to my new friend, I am able to drop judgments and look at them much more objectively than when they were happening. But I can only do this if I am aware enough to make that choice.

Part of the choice I get to make is what to share with the people. Do I want to share my garbage or my treasures? I want to share the good, not the darkness. The darkness is my responsibility. It can be turned into light and there is no need to burden anyone else with it most of the time. With awareness comes the power to choose and choosing to share our gifts rather than our garbage is one of the best ways to exercise the power of choice, in my opinion.

Even though yesterday was hectic, I faced a situation that was angst filled for me and I did not let it get the better of me. The day turned out just fine and I had a really nice evening which included a tub full of insights.

Things feel good right now. I intend to enjoy this period of peace and calm.

As I was writing this post, the following quote showed up on Facebook, courtesy of Marianne Williamson:

“Give me your past so I can change your mind about it for you.” — A Course in Miracles

 

All I can say is Amen.

 

Why strive?

Lately I have been rethinking a few of my beliefs. Not the big ones like love and forgiveness, but the ones that guide how to direct my energy.

I used to be ambitious about my career and having certain material things. I haven’t completely stopped, but I no longer seek success in things like job titles and the kind of car I drive. This has been a positive change, but one that requires me to choose where to direct the energy that previous went into achieving.

What do I want to accomplish with the time I have left on this earth? And how best do I use the energy that flows through me? These questions have come to me recently courtesy of a new acquaintance.

I met an interesting guy through the internet dating site. I don’t know him very well, but of all of the ones I have met through this medium, he is the most like me spiritually. So far we are different enough to make things interesting. We are good at different things and we have different challenges in life. But we are on the same frequency and seem to have the same basic outlook on life.

One of the great things about getting to know a new person is the self-reflection it requires.

The way in which this person and I are most different is with regard to action. He seems to be a fast mover. I used to be more like he is now, which is easily explained by the difference in our ages, but in the past few years I have intentionally slowed down everything in my life, including my desire to take action.

I’m not saying there is anything wrong with the way he is doing things. On the contrary. The world needs people just like him and getting to know him a little has been a positive experience. He is questioning his role on this planet and talking to him about this causes me to rethink some of my spiritual decisions. Not really in an attempt to change or eliminate them, but just to check in and make sure I’m still going the right direction. It’s a good thing.

One of the things I like about this guy is his level of confidence in himself to engage people. He set up an event on Facebook and invited over 1000 people, and though only a fraction participated, he gathered a group of people together for honorable purposes. It was pretty impressive.

We had a recent conversation about the desire for clarity about ways to take positive action in the world. He desires to do more things to bring people together and spread the message of love. I encouraged him to do it through music, but it could actually be in any number of ways, large or small.

I realized that is where it’s at for me. Making all of life be action toward a greater outcome for all of creation.

Buddhism taught me that change starts within. And I am in control of my experience. The way I will make a positive impact in the world at large is to make a positive impact in my own life.

The reason I chose to slow my life down is so I could have the spaciousness to make decisions that will enhance my personal experience as well as impact every action I take. I figured myself out enough to know that if I want to make a difference, one of the biggest differences I can make is to conduct as much positive energy as possible, and then allocate that energy in such a way that it creates the most good in the world. So far that has been through writing and interpersonal relationships.

I seem to make the greatest impact with individuals and in the workplace. I have addressed small to medium groups verbally with some success as well, but I feel most comfortable with fewer people at a time.

I think I make up for that by pouring out my guts in writing.

Ultimately, I feel good about the path I am on and how I am moving along. That does not mean I am not open to change. And that is the challenge that is issued to each one of us with each and every relationship we develop. Whether it is a 30-second conversation in a coffee shop or a lifelong friendship, the people who come into our lives are mirrors. We are called to have the courage to look into those mirrors and discover ourselves.

It’s hard to say why any particular person shows up in our lives. Maybe I will help my new friend slow down sometimes and he will help me speed up when necessary. I don’t actually know. And I don’t even know if we have enough in common to stay friends, but whatever happens, it will be eye-opening. That much I can already sense.

We never know how long anything will last. The challenge of life is to make every single encounter with every person or creature complete and perfect. If we treat everyone we meet like a loved one we may never see again, magical things can happen.

There really is nothing to strive for outside of ourselves. The keys that unlock the universe are inside.

Open and receptive, let things come.

 

Lucid dreams

I want to do some research on lucid dreaming. I have had several experiences with it and I would like to know how a person can use this phenomenon to empower themselves in their waking life. The experiences are so remarkable that I have a hard time believing they are not some link or portal between dimensions. It definitely feels that way.

My most recent lucid dream was during an afternoon nap a couple of days ago. I dreamed about my ex-boyfriend. It felt like he was actually there. In the dream we were outside and I was wearing his coat. And it was quite specifically his coat, the one he wore the entire time we were together. Having worn this coat before, I am familiar with how it feels, the fabric, the lining, the exact weight of it, how big it was, and how small I felt wearing it.

So in this dream we were walking outside and when we reached his destination, I was preparing to give his coat back. Suddenly I could feel the coat. All the things I described about it, I could feel them in my dream. I could also feel the cool Fall air. Then I had this insight, in the dream, about how amazing it was I could feel these sensations while I was dreaming. I had full awareness that I was dreaming while it was happening! It was really enjoyable for those moments before I woke up. The dream itself was happy and pleasant and the moment of realization was gentle and comforting. When I felt myself wearing the coat in the dream, I remembered how safe I always felt with this person. I think the coat symbolizes feeling protected by him. It was a lovely experience.

The last time I had a lucid dream was several months ago. I can’t remember the dream other than I remember being outside, but I remember questioning my lucidity.

Someone told me that sleep paralysis and false awakening, which in my experience are very frightening, are related to lucid dreaming. If that is so, it makes sense. I’ve experienced both repeatedly and they feel similar to the lucid dream, only scary. I feel like I have been developing this ability for years. And it is sort of seems like a natural by-product of my spiritual practices, which is so great.

The thing I discovered a couple of days ago is that lucid dreams have the power to heal. It seems to be an opportunity to revisit things that bother us. For me, any time I can have a happy memory of my ex-boyfriend, it’s a good thing. Because aside from his lack of skill in ending relationships, he was one of the most lovely people I have ever known. Smart, kind, loyal, protective, and affectionate. Those are the memories I want to take forward with me, not the painful stuff. It felt like the dream helped me move in that direction.

This presents me with a most interesting opportunity. If we can manage our thoughts and emotions during our dreams and then feel a tangible difference in our perspective during full wakefulness, the consequences could be huge.

I’m very interested in learning more and knowing others’ experience with this phenomenon.

Mindful toilet cleaning

As I have many times confessed, my life becomes chaotic at times and I lose sight of the things that make me feel better. Things like meditation and mindful awareness of the present moment. When I feel overwhelmed by information or rapid changes in my life, sometimes I start trying to focus on too many things at once. All the things that need my attention compete for time.

When I have many things on my mind at once, none of it gets any quality attention, there are these half-assed attempts to meditate and to settle down and let the answers come to me. And I feel wound up because I know I’m spinning my wheels.

One thing I have learned over the years is that I never really figure anything out, not the big stuff anyway. The most productive way for me to deal with the questions life presents is to be still and silent and quiet my mind. The answers just come in those moments. There’s no figuring anything out, it all just starts to make sense.

Focusing attention on only one thing at a time helps too.  That is the problem with letting life run me rather than me running my life. When I’m trying to figure out too many things at once, my attention gets spread out and the amount of attention I am able to pay to any one thing is small and weak. Not enough to accomplish anything.

And then there is the stuff I can’t do anything about. But the thoughts intrude anyway. Anything that has to do with figuring out the behavior of another person is a waste of my time and I wish to stop that kind of merciless, torturous thinking.

“If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying.” ~Shantideva

Something I find interesting is how one’s physical world reflects one’s state of mind. When I am calm my surroundings tend to be neat and organized, which leads to even more feelings of peace and calm. As soon as my mind starts running in several different directions like a pack of wild horses, my bedroom and the rest of my home become cluttered and messy. Not dirty, just not tidy. Once that slips away from me for a day or two, it begins to also feel overwhelming and then my surroundings look much the way my mind feels.

My moment of clarity came today while cleaning the bathroom. I was fully present while I was cleaning. I was reminding myself to stay in the present moment and I was aware of each thing I was doing. There was a tremendous sense of peace that came with it. It reinforces my belief that NOW is the only moment that truly exists. NOW is where transformation happens. NOW is where the present moment meets eternity. And when you are here, you can feel the power. 

The past several days my mind has been in the past sort of failing to accept how things have unfolded, and in the future, trying to will things the way I wish for them to go. When I finally wake back up and recognize the futility of what I am doing, then I am able to bring everything back to the present, where there is never anything to worry about. In any given moment, if I’m here, breathing, heart beating, I’m fine. The moment those things cease…still fine.

I’m grateful for quiet moments and life’s little responsibilities that help remind me that the only thing that is important is right now and what I do with it. And it always boils down to the same question: Do I want to put more love and peace into the world or more fear, worry and chaos?

I think the answer is obvious.

Choose your weapon

A couple of days ago I was really feeling the weight of the life path I have chosen for myself. But I need to remember it is my choice and that is the reason it feels like work sometimes. Many people go through life on auto pilot and life sort of happens to them by default. That’s how it felt for me up until a few years ago. Deciding to show up for my own life requires me to build muscle in areas of my life where I was completely sedentary for many years. Now life presents challenges and I have to meet them using tools I previously didn’t even know existed.

Life does get easier in ways as I continue to practice my beliefs. It is largely due to the greatest reward of mindful awareness–the power of choice. The knowledge that I don’t have to just let life happen to me has been the most liberating piece of information I have ever received. That I am not at the mercy of a God who is separate from me and is keeping tally of my screw ups in order to punish me properly at the end of my life. Once those shackles came off, life got a lot easier for me.

The thing awareness does is allow one to choose how to respond in any situation. I appreciate being able to choose how I interact with people. I’ve been fortunate enough to experience what happens when I choose kindness in situations when I’ve had other options.

I have figured out there are two ways to lighten one’s burden in life–give away your garbage or give away your gifts and blessings. Giving away garbage seems to cause the generation of more garbage, but giving away blessings not only brings more blessings, it allows a person to transform the garbage…into even more blessings.

I like blessing people. Those are the times when I feel most alive and blessed myself.

When you are placed in a situation where you must choose how to respond, look inside yourself. What do you find there? There are many choices–ugliness or beauty, judgment or compassion, indifference or kindness. It does take a moment to sort through the options and make a decision sometimes, but what’s the hurry? We have all the time in the world.

Letting go of the wheel

How many times does one person have to learn the same lessons? Maybe letting go is one of those things you have to do all of your life. Personally, I’m getting tired of the struggle-realize I’m struggling-let go cycle I seem to repeat so often. Only there’s a step I left out. After I realize I am struggling, I usually have to struggle a bit more to let go. It’s not like I recognize that I am wanting something too much or wishing things were different than they are and then magically I feel better. No, instead I have to go through this whole process where I think Gah! I wish I could just let go! Why does everything have to be so hard? That’s what makes the whole thing suck so much.

For some reason today was one of those days where I felt it necessary to lament being single…again. Only that wasn’t enough all by itself, I decided that since I was already busy wishing things were different than they are, I might as well go ahead and feel badly about my entire life. That makes a ton of sense, doesn’t it? It’s like I’m walking along my path and notice Oh, a pit of despair. I think I’ll jump in.

On my drive home tonight I was sort of demanding of God to know what exactly is being asked of me. Am I being asked to not want anything ever? Or is it the way I am wanting it? Am I doing it wrong? Please, somebody tell me how to do it right and I will.

At times it feels like I may spend the rest of my life paying for mistakes I made out of ignorance and lack of awareness. The reason that’s hard is I am aware now and I really feel the pain of my life because I am not trying to suppress it anymore. I sort of wonder if the sadness will ever end.

I know things are going better than they were, I have a job and that is very helpful. Things could definitely be worse.

This seems to be coming, once again, from that place inside me where I feel different and in a sense separate from my fellow human beings. I’m not fundamentally different, but there are still a lot of unaware, unawakened people in the world and because I have found so few like-minded people, I feel like a fish out of water much of the time.

We humans are mirrors for each other and I feel like I am wandering the earth looking into the eyes of everyone I meet, hoping to see a spark of recognition and not finding it.

That is the key to love, the feeling of being seen, recognized as something precious and wonderful. It’s an amazing gift to give and to receive.

This is the thing I love about being in love. I truly believe that when we are in love is the only time we really see clearly. It doesn’t even have to be romantic love in this instance. It can be a general sense of delight in people. I actually experience this fairly frequently and I think it’s what keeps me going during this period of isolation I am experiencing.

Today during lunch I talked to a coworker. He seems like the type of person most people sort of discount and don’t pay a lot of attention to. And he knows it. And I’m pretty sure he longs to be seen by someone. The way I could tell this is I paid undivided attention to him–because I know how to do that–and this person lit up before my eyes. He was so pleased and happy to be listened to. And it was no trouble to me at all.

As long as I’m thinking about my whole life I might as well remember that all my life I have been that person for so many people. The one with enough patience to work with the mentally challenged or even the people who seem to wear others out quickly. I am able to stay engaged and really give the person a part of myself, the part that cares and understands. And I think the reason I am able to do that is because all my life, that is what I have been seeking. Someone who looks at me and sees nothing wrong and finds it very easy to listen to me.

Once again I am faced with the need to let go of wanting. I need to accept my life the way it is. Because it would be a shame to spend the rest of my life unhappy about something that isn’t going to change. Letting go of everything but hope is quite a challenge. But it’s the only way to have peace.

If you change your thinking and decide to live an authentic life, it’s likely you’ll find yourself alone in the darkest part of the forest for a while before you find new companions on the journey. It’s okay, it’s part of the challenge. When decisions are made with awareness, they come with the knowledge of how sweet it will be when you find someone who truly appreciates you.

I think I’m done crying for the night. I feel better.

I’m just going to let God take over, I need a rest.

Thinking about stuff

Though I am getting better every day, sometimes it is so clear to me that I can be my own worst enemy. This is behavior I seek to be aware of so I can change it. It’s getting easier to see when I’m doing it at least. That’s helpful.

The thing to remember is that nothing outside of this moment really exists. Now is the only time that is ever real. Before we’ve had time to analyze a situation and declare it good or bad. The moment the information arrives. The past has our spin on what we remember and the future has our projections. The reason life goes the direction it is going is directly connected to the declarations we make about events of the past. That has been my experience anyway. The more aware I become, the easier it is to see the connection.

So it seems to me that being fully present in the moment as much as possible, relieving oneself of the burdens of the past gives us the power to influence the future. The less time we spend reliving the past, the faster we will achieve our dreams.

That is one of the reasons I have been laying down some of my burdens in this blog. It’s been therapeutic and I have seen a lot of positive change in my life as a result. As I move forward, I am trying to make a solid commitment to writing no matter what kind of mood I’m in. I need to stop worrying so much about alienating people. This is my story. There is no wrong way for me to tell it as long as I am kind and gentle about it. It’s taken me a lot of work to cultivate my current mindset. If there is one thing I can trust about myself, it’s my ability to communicate a message lovingly and with as little judgment as possible.

My goal is to continue to see when I am treating myself poorly and correct that when it happens. Even when I make a bad decision, the moment that decision is made, it’s in the past. Worrying and beating myself up for it is not helpful. Being in the now means working with the information I have at any given time without adding anything to it. If I look at things dispassionately as cause and effect, it should be easier to identify what’s not working and correct it. The only time the truth is hard to face is when we attach to the facts emotions which may or may not be relevant.

I am ready to be honest with myself about some things. Not sure how much of it will end up in this blog, but it’s time to put a few more things to rest. The past is over, none of that can hurt me anymore if I choose to look at it with mindful awareness and let it go. From here on out, if I am hurting, I need to look at myself and find out what kinds of lies I am telling myself that are making me feel badly about myself. Nothing can hurt me without my permission. I choose what hurts me and what doesn’t. If I made the rule I can break it. (Note: I’m not feeling hurt or anything right now, this is just a general insight and knowledge of the power of choice.)

I think it’s a good idea to ask oneself regularly What am I doing and why am I doing it?  Any behavior you want to get rid of will eventually give way to those two questions. I break habits all the time with this thinking. I have a tremendous amount of will power and I am a very determined person. As I grow in awareness I will increase my ability to influence my future in the direction I wish for it to unfold. The more I trust my gut the less work my brain has to do. I can trust my intuition to lead me correctly because I know where my heart is at. I don’t have to fret and fuss trying to figure things out. I know I am guided by a higher intelligence that, when welcomed, rains down blessings upon us all.

It is possible to stop being your own worst enemy. When you bring awareness to your life you take control of your destiny. It’s a process, but one that’s worth the effort.

Sometimes it seems like this entire experience on earth is between me and God and nobody else. And I suppose on some level that is true. It really does bring a sense of peace when I realize the only one I can ever need to apologize to is God and that is to say, my own higher nature. I’m the only one I really have to deal with in this lifetime. This is good news because I am a challenge. I take up a lot of my energy.

Learning how to make myself feel better about things is the greatest skill I have cultivated in the past few years. I spent so much of my life worried and anxious and now I am free. All it took was awareness and a willingness to see the bigger picture. Life is never as complicated as we try to make it. This is very comforting for me when I am sorting through the mind garbage and deciding what to throw out.

And I must remember, there are angels who love to help. Angels see us as we truly are and they love the beauty they find in us. I have definitely felt the presence of angels in my life, though I couldn’t prove their existence in a court of law. More and more they feel like my companions on this journey. The more easily I remember that, the more peace I have in my life.

All of this is unfolding as it should.

Right now…like the Van Halen song

Seems like it might never stop raining in Portland.  The news said we are 258% above average rainfall for this month.  That’s a lot, even for Oregon.  I’m so ready for some sunshine.  I think it would help my mood immensely.  I’m not in a bad mood, just a blah one.  Rain does that to me after a while because it just slows everything down in a weird way.

I feel pretty hopeful today.  I picked up a book by Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now, and started reading it again.  I remember liking it the first time around.  I also really enjoyed A New Earth, another very insightful book of his.

Reading The Power of Now helped me find my bearings a bit today.  Sometimes when I read something that really makes sense to me by someone whose logic I respect, it makes me feel better, like I’m heading in the right direction, like I’m thinking the right kinds of thoughts about the right kinds of things most of the time.

This book really stresses being in the present moment, possibly more than any book I have read.  And it does so in a wonderfully firm, no-nonsense way.  I have read many books by Thich Nhat Hanh where he makes the same points just as effectively, but in a very different, softer way.  So beautiful, but so different from Eckhart Tolle.

I am grateful for the ability to be aware most of the time.  I’ve been working at it for 6 years, but it’s been worth it.  To be present and aware is to be able to experience joy at any moment, just by choosing it.  When you exist unconsciously, living in the past or the future, you lose the true power of choice.  In my opinion, it’s not really possible to affect positive change in life without paying attention.  Things happen by default which can keep a person in a fairly constant state of reaction.  That’s why things seem so random sometimes.  But really, nothing ever happens for no reason.

Being in the now is the safest, most peaceful place a person can be.  The past is just the memory of now moments that we’ve already lived through successfully to get to this one.  And if we can fully embrace and appreciate the moment we are in right now, it will give birth to another glorious and perfect now.  We just have to let it happen without resisting.

Eckhart Tolle says if you find yourself struggling against your present life circumstances, you should either remove yourself from it, change it if you can, or learn to accept it for what it is.  Doing one of those things will put an end to suffering and produce peace.  This is the truth as I have experienced it.  As I have learned to accept things how they are, my life has gotten easier in ways.  At least I don’t punish myself constantly with worry anymore.  I know that worry never helps anything, so I find something else to do.  And whatever I find to do is always way more fun than worrying.  Go figure.

Recently life has begun to feel like an adventure I am on with the angels.  I know they will help me take care of things and when I can’t see the how of it, I just smile and wonder what beautiful miracle is on its way to me at this very moment.

I’m pretty sure I’m still going to have moments of doubt and suffering, but I know I possess the tools to move out of that pretty quickly.

So, I think the angels and my kids and I will see what we can make out of these now moments.  I think it’s going to be good.

“Right now, hey it’s your tomorrow. Right now, C’mon, it’s everything.” ~Van Halen