Humilitude

Things are settling down in my world again. The sense of relief is palpable. I have weathered some pretty interesting storms the past couple of years, but right now, it feels like everything is going to be okay.

Earlier tonight I spent a few minutes just feeling gratitude for all I have learned and how things have always managed to work out. It’s really beautiful the way the universe provides for each of us in such a personal way. When we’re not distracted we can look around and see these things, little miracles, happening all around us.

I want to be happy for the way things are, but I don’t want to have expectations anymore. I don’t want to give myself reasons to be disappointed about anything. Life is about impermanence. What is good today is bad tomorrow, if you allow yourself to be pulled in those directions. There is a middle path though. It is the path of gratitude. It’s about embracing what is. Not just tolerating it, but being truly open to whatever is happening right now.

Do you ever meet someone and just know immediately you have found a kindred spirit? Is there anything on earth that feels better than finding these people? I do believe I recently experienced this and I am very excited about it.

Life feels so much better today than it did 6 months ago and now I realize that gratitude, especially during the dark times, is the opposite of arrogance. The ability to accept whatever life presents and still be able to say thank you, is the key to liberation. Non-attachment, wu wei. These are noble practices, the bases of which lie in humility. Gratitude springs from a humble heart.

God doesn’t ask much of us. Love each other and say thank you once in a while. That’s about it.

The more I live, the simpler it all becomes.

I have so much to be grateful for.

May I take nothing for granted.

Willing heart

Life is bittersweet sometimes.

Things are still a ways from being perfect, but sometimes when I think about how the universe works, I am humbled and amazed.

On November 2, when I was in the deepest, darkest place of uncertainty, I tweeted this: The universe is bringing everything my family needs to keep going. I believe this and I give thanks in advance. ❤ I had very little tangible evidence to support that statement and I knew, even then, that my belief was in something much bigger than the circumstances in which I found myself.

Faith is like a muscle that is built by accepting what life brings with as much grace and equanimity as can be mustered. I do this to the best of my ability, though I will admit I do not always succeed, and sometimes feel very petty and weak.

Composing that tweet was a conscious and aware decision. I knew what my situation was, I knew something needed to happen, and I knew I had nothing I could point to as an indicator that things would be okay. But I knew that believing that things would not be okay was not an option. If I go around thinking things are going to suck and then they suck, I feel like I contributed to that outcome. But when I am truly able to believe things will work out, they do. It’s beautiful, especially when the connection between the belief and the outcome seems obvious.

A few days after posting the tweet, a friend tipped me off to a potential earning opportunity, which resulted in another friend offering to employ me until my permanent job starts. It’s not a lottery win, but it is a giant step toward things being okay again. I feel the difference the most in my heart. I have been carrying some heavy, heavy burdens with very few people to talk to. But once I finally told someone how scared I was feeling and how hard things have been, it started getting better immediately.

Faith requires a willingness to admit the truth about ourselves and about life. If we can do this with compassion, the universe responds…with loving kindness. God–whatever that means to a person–loves us. It is humanity that is harsh with itself.

The moments of truth that lead up to the tweet declaration were of the Jesus take the wheel variety. I was praying a lot and while talking to God about my life and circumstances, I finally came to the question Whatcha gonna do? And my answer was: I got nothin’, God. That place of ultimate surrender. The place where you have to surrender because there are no other options.

Grace only comes where it is truly needed. It is not welcome when we choose to grapple and struggle with things on our own. It is in giving up, saying fuck it to the cosmos, that we create the space necessary for grace to enter our hearts. When it happens, it is sublime. At the same time, I realize that some moments can’t be experienced if things are always going smoothly. We experience joy in proportion to our capacity to endure hardship without bitterness. In proportion to our willingness to see things as good no matter how they seem on the surface. How do I know my experience is good? Because it is the one I am having.

On November 2, I didn’t know what I was going to do to get my life back on track, but I knew one thing, I was willing…to do whatever it would take…and to be open and unconditionally accepting [of myself] in my darkest moments.

I see the light again.

Because of the difficulties that my life has been blessed with, I have experienced the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding. How can I fail to be grateful for this?

If any of this resonates, please check out Chapter 18, section 5 of A Course in Miracles. I actually looked it up just prior to writing this post, well after my own recent miracle was underway, but it so beautifully completes my thoughts here. And much more eloquently.

The thing at the top of my gratitude list these days? Sleeping soundly.

Amen.

Grief or self-pity?

Sometimes the events of life are difficult to put in perspective. There are moments of sadness, grief, and pain. It doesn’t have to be the death of a loved one, it can be anything that produces a profound sense of disappointment or loss. There are many legitimate reasons to grieve. But grief can be a very lonely and isolating experience.

I’ve been wondering lately about the line between grief and self-pity and how to know when I have crossed it.

I was a sensitive kid who grew into a sensitive adult. I wish to experience a world where everyone loves and accepts each other. Experiencing the cruelty of the world with greed, hatred, intolerance, and injustice being the things on the minds of most people has been difficult for me. This and feelings of disappointment at my perceived failures have recently caused me sadness and grief.

In a way, feelings of grief have been a part of my life as far back as I can remember. This is why I have worked toward letting go of so much past baggage. It’s in putting those things to rest that I am able to experience joy.

My familiarity with grief goes back to a childhood marked by cruelty that was complicated by an inability to understand how people (my parents) could harbor so much rage and hate that they would harm their own child. It never made any sense to me.

Whenever I witness cruelty toward people or animals it makes me sad.

This brings me to the fundamental thing that perplexes me about people in general. In my mind we are not called to do anything impossible or even monumentally difficult as human beings. We are supposed to love, forgive, and accept each other because that is what we all want for ourselves. Jesus said there are basically two commandments, Love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength; and love your neighbor as yourself. That’s it. Doing those two things fulfills the entirety of the law.

Why is it so hard for us to forgive each other and just accept our fellow humans? When we are able to do this on a grand scale, none of the other ills of the world will exist. It won’t be possible. Love dissolves evil. If we are able to develop unconditional love in ourselves individually, we contribute to the future possibility of a perfect world.

I recently figured out that while grief can be a slippery slope into self-pity, it’s really only a problem when it’s impossible to recognize goodness or have gratitude.

While I was researching the difference between grief and self-pity, I came upon some websites for people whose children have died. I’m a bit more familiar with the topic than I wish I was, but it caused me to pause and remember that right now, regardless of what I would change about my life if I could, my children, the greatest joys of my life, are happy and healthy. They feel good about themselves, they are well cared for, and they know they are loved. Not everybody can say that. I am blessed.

So I realize that what I have been feeling is grief. A momentary sadness and disappointment with my actual life compared to the expectations I had for myself. It’s normal and it doesn’t define me. I thought my career was going a certain direction, but it seems to be taking a detour. I also did not expect to find myself alone at this point in my life, especially after finding my soul mate. My version of my life story is different than I have seen it play out. It’s okay, it presents me with a question so profound that it is the very basis of my personal philosophy: Whatcha gonna do? We can’t give up just because things aren’t going the way we thought they would go. It’s the point at which this question presents itself that we decide whether to let grief turn into self-pity. The answer to that one question is our response to life.

I’m looking forward to things getting better. As they do, I hope to find the beauty in as many moments as possible.

May all creatures have peace, love, and ease of well-being. This is my true wish.

Temptation

“What I think is that a good life is one hero journey after another. Over and over again, you are called to the realm of adventure, you are called to new horizons. Each time, there is the same problem: do I dare? And then, if you do dare, the dangers are there, and the help also, and the fulfillment or the fiasco. There’s always the possibility of a fiasco. But there’s also the possibility of bliss.” ~Joseph Campbell ♥

Today I found out that my short-term job has become even shorter term and will terminate at the end of this month, three weeks from today. It was unexpected, but I’m sorting through my feelings about it.

When I first learned this news and for a while after I got home tonight, I felt stressed and pretty awful. My mind immediately went into panic mode trying to think of all the things that need to happen right away. Find a new job, get dental and medical appointments done while we still have insurance and brace myself for tough times ahead.

Wait a minute…brace myself for tough times? Why? The only reason I would worry now about things that haven’t happened yet and may never happen is that I have made an assumption that there is definitely something to worry about. Somehow I decided that there are no jobs out there and that nobody will want to hire me anyway. Way to create the future with my thoughts.

It occurred to me this evening that it is just as easy to choose to feel happy and open and welcoming of whatever the universe has in store for me next. This most recent job was a great experience in which I met some very dear people. It allowed me to pay my expenses for the past couple of months and was fun and rewarding. Blessings all around. Why should the next experience be any different?

I fell into an ego trap today. I listened, however briefly, to that mean little voice inside that whispers: You are not good enough and you never will be. That oddly familiar angst, so tempting in its predictability. It’s easy to slip into feeling badly…if you’ve done enough of it. It’s intentionally deciding not to that takes effort.

Change is hard sometimes.

“Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” ~Proverb

Ya know?

It is my intention to be happy for the closing of one chapter of my life so that a new one may open. May all the magic and power of the universe come together to bring new blessings in the form of new people and experiences. My heart is open. I am ready. And I am grateful.

My choice is to joyously welcome all the good that is coming to me, not be angst ridden and fearful over the calamity I have conjured up in my mind. If I’m going to create things with my mind, why not create light, joyous, beautiful things? It’s my choice, it’s my mind, I am the one in control of this experience.

The world does not need more thoughts of lack and worry and uncertainty. By choosing to think happy thoughts, I am contributing to the good energy that is going to improve things for everyone. We all contribute every day. How often do we stop and consider where we’re putting our energy?

Time for another transition.

Those who embrace change free themselves from the bondage of the ego, which tries to convince us that the unknown is scary. Only if we declare it so.

Impermanence is a beautiful thing. Where would we be without it?

Dogs and vampires and work

Last week was a rough week. I finished dog sitting and was able to sleep a little later today. Part of what made last week rough was work. It was crazy busy and while I appreciate that work requires me to focus in ways I did not while unemployed, I have less energy for the rest of my life and when you add dog/house sitting to that, I am wiped out.

There is also something going on at work. Have I ever had a drama free job? I don’t think so…but the common denominator is me, so I have to look at it.

There is a person at this job who wears me out. He seems to need so much attention and validation to be okay. People like that gravitate to me. Most likely because I am accepting and that is what most people long for, to be accepted and loved unconditionally. Last week it felt like this person was trying to take from me what I didn’t have to give and it was exhausting all on its own.

This is not the first time I have encountered this kind of behavior, but now I can recognize it for what it is and take steps to protect myself.

There are people in the world I call black holes. There is not enough praise, admiration or adoration for them. Too bad most of them don’t realize that they have the power to fill themselves with these things and don’t need to draw from others what they already possess.

So this person at work has been bothering me because his need to be validated over and over and over all day every day feels like a burden he is trying to place on my shoulders. I don’t need another burden, thanks. Anyone who has read this blog more than once surely knows this.

Today I found myself actually angry at this person’s incessant need for attention and approval. He repels people with his neediness. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one…or the first. He’s a vampire.

As I became aware of my struggle against my feelings toward this person, I realized that the reason I struggle is I have difficulty reconciling my feelings about him with the unconditional acceptance I wish to give. I struggle because I choose to believe that all people are fundamentally the same and while this person’s behavior bothers me, he is still a person with the same basic desires as I have–to be happy and not suffer. Because I recognize our fundamental sameness, the burden is on me to figure out a way to accept him notwithstanding his behavior at the same time as protecting my own energy to keep my life in harmonious balance.

A friend reminded me earlier this evening that this is not the biggest challenge I have faced in the past few years. He is right. The breakup of my last relationship and its aftermath remain the most difficult challenges I have ever faced and I made it through that okay, so this has to be okay too.

Some people are just harder to love. That doesn’t mean we are excused from our duty to love them. It just means sometimes we have to dig a little deeper to find that common essence, but it’s there. We just have to keep trying. Never give up. It’s not necessary to be a martyr trying to do for others what they need to learn to do for themselves, but even cutting cords can be done with love.

Sometimes I think part of enlightenment [for me] will include never having to give up on anyone because that never even enters the equation. Understanding and forgiveness will flow naturally. That is partly why my life has been challenging. In my relatively short life thus far, I have been asked to forgive many difficult things. But, in learning to do so, the next chapters of my life should go a lot more smoothly.

I’m ready to live in a world where everyone is beautiful and deserves my trust because they love me and only want the best for me. I feel like I’ve earned that much.

The old ways are falling away and a bright, new future awaits.

I’m excited.

Learning the lessons

Now that I seem to be leaving this dark period of intense stress and uncertainty, I have this void in my life where all the worry was taking up space in my heart.  I think the way to fill that void is by figuring out what some of the lessons are.

It’s amazing to have lived as many years as I have lived and have only been learning the big lessons for about 6 years.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned in the past few years is to love as unconditionally as possible and strive to give everyone the benefit of every doubt.  It’s really nothing more than the golden rule.  I treat people as I want to be treated.  I love them, forgive them when they make mistakes, give them space and privacy if they want it and try not to interfere with anyone’s free will.

Part of learning how to love has involved hard lessons in expressing love.  I think sometimes people don’t know what to do with me and all my affirmations and quotes and going on about love all the time.  It’s not that easy to explain to those who haven’t been through what I have been through.  Part of it is just me, I’ve always had a sense of urgency about life that makes me come across as intense, which I am.  But the other part is that I have many years of non-expression to make up for.  Not because I think I was doing anything wrong all those years, I was certainly doing the best I could with what I had to work with, but as one who now understands the power of love, I want to put as much of it into the world as I can before I move on to the next assignment.

Because I grew up in a world of criticism and detachment, I didn’t really learn how to connect with people on a heart level.  It has caused all manner of difficulty in my relationships.  Once I realized that negative criticism is not a proper way to communicate with anyone, all my relationships improved.  I’m not here to judge anyone.  I’m here to affirm all the goodness I see and accept the rest as part of the deal.  Not judge it as negative, just accept it for what it is, something that doesn’t feel good to me.  Right and wrong are not clear distinctions.  There is so much unknown at any given time that the best we can do is know that we don’t know what anyone is dealing with and give them the compassion we would want for ourselves when we are carrying invisible burdens in our hearts.

One of the things I have learned to do is tell people how I feel about them.  Because I feel really happy about most people most of the time.  I think people are beautiful and complicated.  And I want them to know I appreciate them.  There is no way to describe the joy this has brought to my life.  From waiting in line at the post office to nearly every phone conversation I have.  When you look for the beauty in people, you will find it.

I think most people are longing to be seen.  I think everyone has beauty they keep hidden because this is a harsh world and not everyone can be trusted with our hearts.  When we encounter someone unconditionally accepting and loving, the natural inclination is to open like a flower.  One of the greatest privileges of my life is to watch people blossom before my eyes because they know that I see what is true in them.  I think I have always had this gift but I have only been able to appreciate it since learning to be present and aware.

There have been people in my life, especially in the past 5 or 6 years, who have no idea how wonderful they are.  When I show them they are amazed.  Some of them couldn’t handle it.  One in particular I can think of decided some things about himself that are not the truth of who he is and what I saw didn’t match how he saw himself.   So instead of bringing comfort, it brought him confusion and misery.  Sometimes being in the gaze of loving eyes is uncomfortable.  I get that.  I’ve experienced it myself and it can be overwhelming.

It gives me joy when people awaken to their own beauty and greatness because of something I have said to them.  And I am humbled when people express amazement at my ability to do that.  That is a question I have been asked so many times in the past few years.  How I see the good through all of the other stuff.  It takes practice, but it’s so worth it.

The most profound lesson I learned in the art of transformative thinking was from Thich Nhat Hanh.  I was fresh out of 20 years of Christianity and things were in chaos all around me.  My marriage was over, I was in the middle of law school and pretty sure I should have gotten a PhD in history instead, and for the first time in my life I was spending enough time alone to see myself clearly.  There was a lot of garbage in there.  I read in one of Thich Nhat Hanh’s books that everything is in a constant state of transformation.  Today’s garbage is tomorrow’s flower.  We take the garbage, make compost of it, and grow a beautiful flower.  That idea touched me so profoundly that it changed my life and I became determined to make beauty out of everything that life presents.  Between that and learning the most simple meditation on earth, also from Thich Nhat Hanh, my life has been transformed into one of eternal hope rather than despair.

I think the recent lessons have been to remember that if I stay true to love, the only force in the world that is real, nothing can ever really hurt me again.  If love is the motivation for all my actions, I will be at peace.  If I am not at peace then I know that I need to  adjust my perspective and find the love.  That’s all there is.  Life is not nearly as complicated as we try to make it.

“Like a lotus flower that grows out of the mud and blossoms above the muddy water surface, we can rise above our defilements and sufferings of life.”

Impermanence is a beautiful thing.