Expectations

“When one’s expectations are reduced to zero, one really appreciates everything one does have.” ~Stephen Hawking

Expectation is not our friend. It is impossible to love unconditionally and have any expectations of other people’s behavior. That’s why I believe that one of the keys to happiness is looking closely at one’s beliefs about things and rooting out qualifiers and expectations. It’s the ability to let go. Few things bring greater peace and joy to life than the ability to let go of expectations, of people, and of things. Non-attachment is one of the great keys to enlightenment.

Disappointment is the best way to identify attachments and expectations. We can all recognize that feeling because we have all felt it at some point. If you really embrace and examine feelings of disappointment, no matter how painful, you will mine spiritual gold from the insights. Because once you identify an attachment, only then does it become possible to release it.

One of the hardest areas for me to let go at times is romantic feelings. Actually, I’ve let go pretty easily in all but two situations my whole life, and those two relationships, back to back, rocked my world. So they definitely have value in showing me what makes me want to be attached to another person. It makes me look at both myself and the other person. And I think that’s good.

Sometimes the universe asks us to let go of the same person over and over. In the deepest part of my soul I believe when that happens, it is the continuation of something that has been going on for lifetimes beyond this one. When a person drifts in and out of your life repeatedly over the years and yet, there is nothing but love, no matter how much time passes, that is a person you know beyond the five senses. It’s pretty hard to deny.

In situations like these I like to rely on what some might consider magical or fanciful thinking, but it brings me comfort, so I’m not gonna knock it. It is truly the hope that lies in the pattern of separation and reconciliation that keeps me going. The hope that because we have done this so many times, we will continue doing it until we get it right.

All who meet will one day meet again until their relationship becomes holy. ~A Course in Miracles

The challenge of loving a person unconditionally is a big one. Try to accept a person, any person, exactly as they are without needing them to change a single thing. While you will find it’s harder with some than with others, in the easiest case it still takes a ton of self-discipline. Yet, every victory of the heart to love unconditionally is the most beautiful gift to the universe. And because I believe that God or the universe or whatever anyone wants to call it has blessed all of us so completely and amazingly, I believe it deserves the very best we have to offer as humans. And our very best comes from our hearts and minds, not from anything external.

This line of thinking brings me back to the concept of impermanence and what a lovely gift that is. It tells us that nothing goes on forever, so in the moments that hurt, we can have hope; in the joyous moments we can have deep gratitude. It’s all in how we choose to look at things.

Sometimes we learn to live a life free of expectations after great losses. That’s where I am coming from. When things go spectacularly wrong in life, if you are aware and able to stand back and observe your own life, you can see the hand of God at work.

The hard times have been hard the past couple of years, I can’t deny that, but what I have gained in patience and equanimity cannot be acquired by other means. I have no regrets…and very few expectations.

Letting go is the best feeling on earth.

Be at peace.

 

Untethered

As much as I looked forward to putting 2011 behind me, I have to say that 2012 hasn’t been easy thus far. That is not to say that it has been bad. It’s just had some difficult moments already.

On New Year’s day I lost a dear friend. The younger brother of my ex-boyfriend, the opera singer I have written about a few times in this blog. He and I maintained a close friendship after the breakup, which was a little challenging, I will admit, because his brother refused to end the relationship properly in my opinion. One of the reasons I was so persistent in trying to put that relationship to rest with compassion and love is because life does present situations like the death of family members and I was hoping not to reunite with my ex under those kinds of circumstances and I knew that because I love his family and they love me, that the possibility did exist.

So one of my worst case scenarios came true. And it turned out okay. Better than okay really. The moment I saw my ex-boyfriend at the memorial service, I felt the burden of the past couple years lift from my heart. There was forgiveness and that’s all I ever wanted. It was a really beautiful moment that I will treasure for the rest of my life.

The thing that has come back to my mind over and over since the service, which was just over a week ago, is how easily he moved on from our relationship and how I have never been the same since.

It wasn’t actually the relationship that changed me, but the aftermath. It was like he set off a nuclear bomb in my soul and the result was a chain reaction that has affected all of my relationships going forward. Affected meaning that I haven’t really been able to have one with a man since then. Not that it’s a bad thing for a person who had spent nearly every day of their adult life in a marriage or relationship, as I had, to have the opportunity to understand solitude and the beauty of silence.

When I think back to my relationship with the opera singer I see what a high price I paid to have someone in my life. Certainly I loved him, but he drained my heart, mind, soul, and bank account. Just as my marriage had. I left my marriage and I’m glad I did, but with the opera singer, I would have stuck it out much longer if he hadn’t gotten bored. He took everything he could get and then he left.

Anyway, the point of this post is that I have found it very difficult to connect with anyone on an intimate level. I have dated a lot. I even fell in love. But over and over I have consistently picked people I can’t go there with for one reason or another.

In the past week I have very positively interacted with four different men whom I care very much about, including my ex-boyfriend. These connections are very important to me. I have had at least a fleeting romantic interest in each of these people. And one of them I am so crazy about I would surely burst from happiness if we could make a romantic relationship work. The point is, I have these amazing connections and yet, I am lonely and can’t seem to find a relationship based on the deep connections I am able to make. And that bothers me.

The world seems to be saying that it is preferable to have relationships that do not exist in the physical realm. That Facebook is the equivalent of true friendship. I am here to say, for lack of a better term, bullshit.

Several years ago when my sister died, a friend I met at my job and became very close to, came to my sister’s funeral. She sat with me in the private family section. She didn’t even hesitate about going there with me. Her entire purpose in going was to make sure I felt less alone. She held my hand through the service. It was my darkest hour and my friend loved me enough to be physically present to support me. You can’t get that on Facebook.

I’m not looking for someone to change my Facebook relationship status for. I’m looking for someone to be present with. Someone to hold hands with when life feels overwhelming.

It feels like I am at a crossroads. Either get off internet based relationships altogether and go find real, flesh and blood human beings to connect with or get used to the idea that all the support I can look forward to the rest of my life is going to look like this:

The great thing about being at a crossroads is that it forces you to make a choice. Thank goodness for choices.

Walk on

I think nearly every person has a certain album or song that helps them through heartbreak. The past few breakups for me have been scored by a U2 cd, All That You Can’t Leave Behind. There is a song called Walk On that resonates with me on so many levels. Tonight I started thinking about walking away and how to know when it’s time to do that in life.

Recently I seem to be obsessed with the concept of forgiveness. The universe is raising this issue all over my world, so I must pay attention.

One thing that inevitably comes up with regard to forgiveness is that it is one thing to forgive, it is another thing entirely to continue to subject oneself to the unskillful acts of people who lack sufficient awareness to get through life without hurting people.

“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” ~Maya Angelou

Isn’t that really true of all of us? It must be so. That makes the forgiveness part a lot easier.

It does not, however, assist at all in helping one determine when it is time to cut the ties and move on. In fact, it mucks up the entire decision-making process with hope. Hope that a person will learn and grow and stop behaving in ways that are harmful. But at some point one has to weigh the cost against the benefit of having certain people in our lives. Sometimes it takes years to throw in the towel, sometimes minutes. Depends on the person.

There are a couple of people in my life whose actions have me looking for the graceful exit. One I have known a few years, the other a few weeks. One has hurt me over and over to the point where I cannot trust her. The other is showing his capacity for forgiveness may be pretty shallow. I’m thinking very seriously of blessing each of these people and sending them on their way.

Not being able to trust someone doesn’t mean you don’t forgive them, it just means they have breached a fundamental principle of friendship. In this case, repeatedly. With no hint of growth in 5 years. I think I have waited long enough.

The other is someone I recently started spending time with. It felt like his entire demeanor toward me after I made a non-malicious mistake without intent to harm. If he can’t forgive that, then there’s not much of a point continuing because I make mistakes, I do. I’m human and I’m doing my best. And yet I feel very clumsy sometimes. But I am honest about my shortcomings and I take responsibility for my actions. If under those circumstances he can’t forgive me, then he’s never going to be able to forgive the other stuff I’m bound to do wrong later. Maybe it’s time to move on. Of course I could be wrong, but who knows?

Letting go with love in 2012. That’s the theme for this new year.

I lost someone dear to suicide on New Year’s day…sometimes we have a say in who’s in our lives, sometimes we don’t.

Here’s to making the right choices when we have them.

Adieu 2011

As I look back at 2011, I really want to embrace the lessons of the year and just sort of forgive myself for how things unfolded. It was a hard one. The reason it was hard has a lot to do with my shortcomings and lack of awareness. But the great thing is, whenever we are willing, we are able to grow in awareness by facing the people and situations that are in front of us as with as much present moment awareness as possible.

The thing about awareness is, it is the bright light of heaven shone on something previously dark and scary. No monster that you are willing to look in the eye can even continue to exist. That is how powerful our minds are.

I am dating again and it’s going okay this time. When I look back over the past couple of years of dating, I see improvement in some areas where there were a lot of mistakes. I’m still making them, I just recognize things as mistakes a lot more quickly so I make fewer. It’s progress, I’ll take it.

There is a guy I was seeing for several weeks and we’ve had a bit of an unfortunate misunderstanding. I think he feels justifiably righteous and I feel like it’s good to be human, full of flaws, learning from mistakes, being honest, communicating with sincerity. I think he is on the fence about forgiving me for something I said in an e-mail. It’s okay if he takes his time to decide. But it got me to thinking about how many moments invite us to judge one another and how on the other side of those situations lies the real gift, the opportunity to extend forgiveness and compassion to a fellow human being. How can we not forgive each other for not being perfect? We all know that none of us is, but when we choose not to forgive, we are suggesting otherwise.

To forgive doesn’t mean you have to agree with the person’s actions, but you do not mistake the actions for the person themselves. Nobody does things out of a true desire to hurt others, I’m nearly convinced of it. People are motivated by two things, the desire for happiness and the avoidance of suffering. It’s just the things we do to achieve those ends is different for each of us and sometimes when we are seeking happiness or avoiding suffering we interfere with others’ happiness seeking and suffering avoidance. That’s when misunderstandings happen. But when we back up and see that people are not motivated by a desire to do anything to any of us, that they are simply motivated by the same things that drive us all, it’s a little easier to forgive.

When I think about it, the thing we are always dealing with is the illusion of separation. We seek to reconcile with God because of a failure to recognize our oneness with the Divine and we forgive or not forgive our fellow humans for the same thing, for thinking we are separate when we are not. For failing to recognize each other as ourselves and God. It’s the basis for all misunderstanding and sin.

Ourselves, God, and each other. A trinity. A beautiful mystery.

2011 was hard. I declare 2012 the year of forgiveness and gratitude.

Amen.

Bad people

I had a bit of an emotional meltdown a couple of days ago and, as therapeutic and cathartic as it ultimately was, it was a violent shaking of my peace of mind. These moments are hard, but not to be missed on the path to enlightenment.

We all have people in our lives who challenge us. Sometimes in areas that are unpleasant and huge, like patience and our ability to forgive. These interactions can be very intense.

But I continue to believe, in my soul, that these are valuable people who come into our lives to push those buttons. What we learn about ourselves in our most uncomfortable moments is knowledge that is worth its weight in gold. But sometimes you have to dig through some ugly stuff before you get it.

There is a person in my world who does and says things that I wholly disapprove of. If I am honest I will say I don’t really like this person. And yet, the very core of my spiritual beliefs tells me that we are not separate, there is no us and them, no me and her. Which means my disapproval of her affects me. Just as our personalities reflect various facets of our soul, each one of us is a part of the same great Source. When there is absolutely nothing else you can rely on to help you appreciate a person, there’s always that.

What do I always come back to? Remembering that none of us wants anything different from the rest of us, we all just want to be happy and avoid suffering. Some people go about it in ways that are thoughtless or hurtful. Most of the time probably out of complete ignorance of others.

When I thought about this person who is like a thorn in my side, I became very upset. The universe appears to bless this person no matter what. No matter how horribly she treats others, she continues to succeed and prosper. And I had to wonder why that is when everything I have ever read about success stresses being kind. The thing I realized is that it’s not so much how this person behaves as it is what she believes that creates the things that show up in her life. She feels entitled and she does not hesitate to let the entire world know it. And the world responds. The part that she leaves in the fine print is that she’s ruthless. And that is the part I disapprove of.

Ultimately, there is more than enough of everything to go around. There is an entire universe full of creative power. And the key to receiving? Feeling worthy.

Recently I read a quote by Oprah about the difference between feeling deserving versus feeling worthy. There is a difference. Everyone is deserving and most of us can say we feel like we deserve good things, but not everyone feels worthy or worthwhile. It’s a hard thing when those insecurities surface, but it’s worth looking at because feelings of unworthiness can keep truly good people from ever realizing their dreams.

The truth is: We are worthwhile because we were born. We’re here. We showed up for this human experiment. And we should all be living lives of abundance and blessings. 

When you think about it, there really can’t be any truly bad people. There are people who misuse the energy that flows through them, but we’re all just doing our best to feel okay and sometimes we are unskillful. The person I was upset with–and if I’m truthful, envious of–has a lot of emptiness in her life…in areas where mine overflows. She may have some of the things I think I want, but I have been blessed beyond measure with gifts that cannot be bought, nor acquired through manipulation. She deserves compassion, not envy.

Seeing the ugly parts of myself in the moments when I experience things like envy and jealousy is heartbreaking. Even though my thoughts were focused on someone else, my heart was overwhelmed with disappointment in only me. And I am the only person whose behavior I have to be concerned with. I am willing to see the truth that comes from the darkness and become the person I am meant to be.

Lesson learned: I am not a bad person…and neither is anyone else.

Tao Te Ching, verse 8

Have you ever really contemplated water or meditated on its nature? Is it possible to be as wonderful as water? Welcome to my Tuesday evening, here’s what we’re thinking about tonight:

8

The supreme good is like water,
which nourishes all things without trying to.
It is content with the low places that people disdain.
Thus it is like the Tao.

In dwelling, live close to the ground.
In thinking, keep to the simple.
In conflict, be fair and generous.
In governing, don’t try to control.
In work, do what you enjoy.
In family life, be completely present.

When you are content to be simply yourself
and don’t compare or compete,
everybody will respect you.

Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu

Reliving the past

Yesterday was hectic. By the time the day was over all I wanted was to take a bath. Spending even a few minutes soaking in hot water relaxes me. Hot showers are similarly restorative. I think baths should smell really good, but natural, like herbs and plants. My favorite bubble bath is peppermint and eucalyptus. Those smells have the power to erase stress from my mind.

It is very easy [for me] to enter a meditative state while submerged in hot water. So that’s how I use part of my bath time. Every time I get out of the tub I feel like a new person, which I find kind of poetic because of the obvious biblical metaphor of baptism. Water carries some of the heaviest symbolism of all the elements. It mesmerizes me, and I am in awe of it.

Valuable insights come during bubble baths. New ways of looking at old things.

Awareness enhances every experience we have. I find getting to know people with awareness to be very eye-opening. When we are present and aware, we can observe ourselves and hear what we are telling others and how we are telling it. It is revelatory if one chooses to look deeply.

Recently I met a new friend whom I like and respect and I have also been strengthening my connections to some of my older friends. It’s gotten me thinking about the past. We get to know new people by sharing our old stories and I suppose we can change our relationships with old friends by being willing to tell a new story. I recently realized that as I relive my stories by telling them to my new friend, I am able to drop judgments and look at them much more objectively than when they were happening. But I can only do this if I am aware enough to make that choice.

Part of the choice I get to make is what to share with the people. Do I want to share my garbage or my treasures? I want to share the good, not the darkness. The darkness is my responsibility. It can be turned into light and there is no need to burden anyone else with it most of the time. With awareness comes the power to choose and choosing to share our gifts rather than our garbage is one of the best ways to exercise the power of choice, in my opinion.

Even though yesterday was hectic, I faced a situation that was angst filled for me and I did not let it get the better of me. The day turned out just fine and I had a really nice evening which included a tub full of insights.

Things feel good right now. I intend to enjoy this period of peace and calm.

As I was writing this post, the following quote showed up on Facebook, courtesy of Marianne Williamson:

“Give me your past so I can change your mind about it for you.” — A Course in Miracles

 

All I can say is Amen.

 

Lennon love

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.” ~John Lennon

Today is the 31st anniversary of the death of John Lennon. I remember the moment I heard the news. I don’t know how sad I was, but it was certainly shocking. It was many years after he was gone that I realized how connected I am to John Lennon. He is a kindred spirit. I seem to often find kindred spirits in musicians. And writers.

Part of what I like about the above quote is that he makes being in love sound like the most natural state in the world. And I believe that to be true. The thing I have figured out over the past few years is that the more we come to understand our authentic nature, the more it’s possible to be in love all the time regardless of what types of relationships are involved. The person who refrains from being in love for lack of a romantic partner is a foolish person in my opinion. There is an entire world full of people who need love and if we have it to give, we should, as freely and unconditionally as possible.

Earlier this evening I was thinking about some things and people in my life and I had an overwhelming feeling of love in my heart. Not just for the people who have pleased me and said what I wanted to hear. I felt sincere gratitude for the people I have been hurt by and whom I have hurt. We can’t make it through this life without being hurt and hurting others. That makes those people very valuable. Of all the people on earth that we could possibly meet, the ones who show up in our lives are the ones we are meant to know…for a reason. I believe that reason involves honoring each other for the thing we share in common.

Christmas is supposed to be the season of love. I really hope more people find the love inside themselves and let it pour out into the world.

God bless John Lennon

 

 

 

Why strive?

Lately I have been rethinking a few of my beliefs. Not the big ones like love and forgiveness, but the ones that guide how to direct my energy.

I used to be ambitious about my career and having certain material things. I haven’t completely stopped, but I no longer seek success in things like job titles and the kind of car I drive. This has been a positive change, but one that requires me to choose where to direct the energy that previous went into achieving.

What do I want to accomplish with the time I have left on this earth? And how best do I use the energy that flows through me? These questions have come to me recently courtesy of a new acquaintance.

I met an interesting guy through the internet dating site. I don’t know him very well, but of all of the ones I have met through this medium, he is the most like me spiritually. So far we are different enough to make things interesting. We are good at different things and we have different challenges in life. But we are on the same frequency and seem to have the same basic outlook on life.

One of the great things about getting to know a new person is the self-reflection it requires.

The way in which this person and I are most different is with regard to action. He seems to be a fast mover. I used to be more like he is now, which is easily explained by the difference in our ages, but in the past few years I have intentionally slowed down everything in my life, including my desire to take action.

I’m not saying there is anything wrong with the way he is doing things. On the contrary. The world needs people just like him and getting to know him a little has been a positive experience. He is questioning his role on this planet and talking to him about this causes me to rethink some of my spiritual decisions. Not really in an attempt to change or eliminate them, but just to check in and make sure I’m still going the right direction. It’s a good thing.

One of the things I like about this guy is his level of confidence in himself to engage people. He set up an event on Facebook and invited over 1000 people, and though only a fraction participated, he gathered a group of people together for honorable purposes. It was pretty impressive.

We had a recent conversation about the desire for clarity about ways to take positive action in the world. He desires to do more things to bring people together and spread the message of love. I encouraged him to do it through music, but it could actually be in any number of ways, large or small.

I realized that is where it’s at for me. Making all of life be action toward a greater outcome for all of creation.

Buddhism taught me that change starts within. And I am in control of my experience. The way I will make a positive impact in the world at large is to make a positive impact in my own life.

The reason I chose to slow my life down is so I could have the spaciousness to make decisions that will enhance my personal experience as well as impact every action I take. I figured myself out enough to know that if I want to make a difference, one of the biggest differences I can make is to conduct as much positive energy as possible, and then allocate that energy in such a way that it creates the most good in the world. So far that has been through writing and interpersonal relationships.

I seem to make the greatest impact with individuals and in the workplace. I have addressed small to medium groups verbally with some success as well, but I feel most comfortable with fewer people at a time.

I think I make up for that by pouring out my guts in writing.

Ultimately, I feel good about the path I am on and how I am moving along. That does not mean I am not open to change. And that is the challenge that is issued to each one of us with each and every relationship we develop. Whether it is a 30-second conversation in a coffee shop or a lifelong friendship, the people who come into our lives are mirrors. We are called to have the courage to look into those mirrors and discover ourselves.

It’s hard to say why any particular person shows up in our lives. Maybe I will help my new friend slow down sometimes and he will help me speed up when necessary. I don’t actually know. And I don’t even know if we have enough in common to stay friends, but whatever happens, it will be eye-opening. That much I can already sense.

We never know how long anything will last. The challenge of life is to make every single encounter with every person or creature complete and perfect. If we treat everyone we meet like a loved one we may never see again, magical things can happen.

There really is nothing to strive for outside of ourselves. The keys that unlock the universe are inside.

Open and receptive, let things come.

 

Humilitude

Things are settling down in my world again. The sense of relief is palpable. I have weathered some pretty interesting storms the past couple of years, but right now, it feels like everything is going to be okay.

Earlier tonight I spent a few minutes just feeling gratitude for all I have learned and how things have always managed to work out. It’s really beautiful the way the universe provides for each of us in such a personal way. When we’re not distracted we can look around and see these things, little miracles, happening all around us.

I want to be happy for the way things are, but I don’t want to have expectations anymore. I don’t want to give myself reasons to be disappointed about anything. Life is about impermanence. What is good today is bad tomorrow, if you allow yourself to be pulled in those directions. There is a middle path though. It is the path of gratitude. It’s about embracing what is. Not just tolerating it, but being truly open to whatever is happening right now.

Do you ever meet someone and just know immediately you have found a kindred spirit? Is there anything on earth that feels better than finding these people? I do believe I recently experienced this and I am very excited about it.

Life feels so much better today than it did 6 months ago and now I realize that gratitude, especially during the dark times, is the opposite of arrogance. The ability to accept whatever life presents and still be able to say thank you, is the key to liberation. Non-attachment, wu wei. These are noble practices, the bases of which lie in humility. Gratitude springs from a humble heart.

God doesn’t ask much of us. Love each other and say thank you once in a while. That’s about it.

The more I live, the simpler it all becomes.

I have so much to be grateful for.

May I take nothing for granted.