12 things I learned (or learned again) in 2012

It’s pretty hard for me to pass up an opportunity to share what life has taught me. 2012 was good that way. Being the lesson whore I am, I’ve put together a list of things to share–some lovely, some humorous, some exhausting, and some excruciating. But hey, it’s my life and the important thing is, I’d rather be me than anyone else. So here are a few things I learned:

1. If someone is determined to make you the embodiment of their fears and insecurities, there is nothing you can do about it. Walk away, you’ll be better off.

2. The times they are a changin’, in America. The 2012 political season totally underscored my belief in a cosmic paradigm shift. The 2012 election season demonstrated nothing less than a miraculous leap in consciousness in America. Conversations long overdue happened on issues that will take us miles from our blinders on, capitalistic nightmare. It’s like we’ve finally awakened from the American Dream and now we can do something about it.

3. It’s possible to fall in love with someone you’ve never met in person. That was a new one for me. I’m a pretty hard sell on the romantic thing, but it happened to me in 2012 and though it’s but a memory now, I’m glad it happened.

4. If you stay present and keep going, things will get better, you will make progress, no matter what life is dishing out.

5. Most days of my life are awesome. Most days I feel like Hello Kitty incarnate, like I may have been a My Little Pony or a Care Bear in a former life. It’s hard to explain, but it feels pretty good and if you met me, you’d totally know.

6. It really is possible to let go of romantic ideals and love someone unconditionally, even when a little piece of you will always wonder “what if … ?” P.S. It doesn’t have to hurt.

7.  Referring to people with fewer material resources as less fortunate is the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever heard. Anyone who needs to make comparisons between our relative levels of fortune based on how much stuff we have is truly the least fortunate person of all.

8. If everyone read, understood, and practiced the principles in the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, the world would be an easier place to be.

9. Whenever I feel lonely or inclined to strive toward a particular type of relationship (e.g. romantic), what I am really looking for is a closer relationship with the Divine. I seem to learn that one over and over.

10. There are a few things that can make everything better. They’re different for each of us. For me, it’s meditation, bubble baths, writing, and laughing. (I hope you figure out yours and do them often in 2013)

11. Happiness is only available in the now moments. Happiness is for the taking, postponing it in anticipation of some future event is a mistake.

12. Unconditional love can fix any situation, period, end of story.

There are a few other things I learned that were slightly less profound, like how awesome iPhone cameras can be and how great it is to have a cat again, but what really matters is, all things considered, 2012 was challenging in a good way and in important ways, things went more smoothly for me and my family than they have in several years. And for that I am truly grateful.

 

The Tao of Motherhood

I regularly contemplate impermanence and non-attachment. They are two of my favorite spiritual concepts.

Life is like a classroom with only one course, letting go. Where every day is a school day, and when school is out, it’s out for good.

Every day we have to let go of all kinds of stuff, big and small.

There is someone in my life for whom I care a great deal. Recently I learned that it’s possible I will rarely if ever see him again. Though it’s so hard to know why some people show up in our lives and immediately become important, he is one of those people for me. We have an amazing connection that actually grows stronger with fewer words. It’s one of the most lovely relationships I’ve ever been a part of.

So I’m facing what could be perceived as a huge loss. And I’ll be truthful, the news hit me pretty hard. I was at my job doing semi-complicated tax work when I found out, and it made me cry…at my job…ugh.

Since then I have come to give thanks for the changing nature of this relationship and the beautiful ways it has developed over time. It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s been very genuine, open, and loving. I welcome whatever is next.

It was as my mind and heart began to let go of this person I love that I realized that most of my strength and flexibility comes from being a mom. In no other relationship are we so entwined with another person with whom we do not get to live our entire lives. As mothers we are asked to care about another person as much or more than we care about ourselves and to put their needs before our own. And we do it willingly, out of pure love. And also out of pure love, when it comes time for independence, we let go, ever so gently.

Done properly, there is no more beautiful relationship than the one between a mother and child.

Kids don’t come into the world to learn, they are here to teach us. They are here to show us who we really are and what we are capable of. They help us become more enlightened.

I will never regret having children. They have softened my spirit and brought out the most beautiful parts of my personality for the benefit of the entire universe.

I’m so grateful.

Clarity

It’s been such a long time since I’ve had an opportunity to post. A difficult absence, I assure you. My computer has been having problems for a few weeks, but I’ve found a workable solution for the moment.

Sometimes I feel like the queen of putting out fires. For the past couple years my life has been mainly about survival. But I have responded to the best of my ability and from an open heart. Like much of my life, I can’t say it’s all been pretty, but it’s all been very real and very genuine. We must play the hand we are dealt. What more can you do, really?

I have reached a point where I am wondering what I would like my life to look like going forward. And I find myself without a clear picture in my mind’s eye. That’s okay, but I realize now that certain pressures have lessened, it’s really quite okay for me to start thinking about what would make me most happy as I live the rest of my life.

I’m not sure I have ever really thought about this much. I’ve always just sort of found myself in different circumstances, never really sure how I got there. And feeling little opportunity to do anything other than react to things going on around me.

This is where spiritual maturity comes in handy. Because I have developed a great deal of internal strength, I am better equipped to handle whatever comes up. It’s very clear to me now that is what the past couple of years have been about. It was about developing a clear sense of myself, apart from anyone and anything, and the accompanying strength derived from the experience. I never had a period in my life where I didn’t have a single close relationship with anyone who wasn’t my kid. Until about 3 years ago.

Several areas of my life took on a sudden barrenness. It was a very frightening time. And I’m not entirely back to safety yet, but I am making considerable progress.

It’s good for me to develop a clear idea of what I want. Every tangible thing that appears in our lives begins as a thought. It’s true what they say about being able to accomplish anything we can truly imagine. All of us have experienced it at some point. For me it was deciding to get a law degree at age 34, when I was raising kids and hadn’t been to college. I didn’t know what the requirements were, but I decided I was going to do it and I would figure it out as I went along. It was a huge leap of faith. And it worked out just fine.

Now that I have a job and things are definitely moving the right direction, I have the luxury of thinking about what kinds of relationships to have. When you’re in survival mode, dating falls way down on the list of priorities. Not that I haven’t, I’ve actually been on lots of dates, met a few people, and even made some friends. I just haven’t really been all that interested in anyone. Part of that was not being in a position to put a lot of work into a relationship.

What I really need is a relationship that is light and lovely and free of undue pressure. I’m ready for that. Heavy and serious just doesn’t sound appealing. Not sure it ever will again.

It’s Spring and the weather is beautiful. This is the perfect time for a romance. Think of the Shakespeare comedies. Spring time and everyone is in love. I want to experience that again.

I’m a little closer to being able to envision exactly what I want for myself.

My energy is returning.

I’m back.

How to stay sane

I decided that if I were to build a time machine, it would look like this:

I am certain a vehicle such as this could take me anywhere I want to go in the universe.

I’m also pretty sure I’ve time traveled in the bath.

Two things happen in the bath. I am able to quiet my mind and the thoughts I do have are creative, not destructive.

The bath is my favorite place on earth.

I take frequent baths. Several times a week. It helps my joints stay flexible and pain-free, and it helps my mind stay that way too.

Baths help me maintain a sense of equanimity. It’s a place where I can let everything that concerns me float away. Astrologically, I’m a water sign, so it makes sense that I’m happiest when I’m submerged. I feel truly protected in the water.

Consider this bath:

• Add 1 lb. each of sea salt and baking soda
• Place clear quartz crystals that have been cleansed and activated around the edge of the tub
• Bless the water with love and gratitude
• Allow yourself to think or not think as mood dictates
• Request the company of angels (if you are so inclined)

What this bath will do is remove negative energy picked up during the course of one’s day and I can guarantee, it will make you feel like a brand new person when you get out, whether you are in for 10 minutes or an hour.

My relationship with water is special. I find that I tend to meditate in the shower and pray in the bath. I think it’s because I shower in the morning before work and I bathe at night before bed. Both of these rituals are important and contribute greatly to my spiritual life and my ability to stay sane in this chaotic world.

Time does not have to exist in the bath. This is why you can go wherever your mind will take you while you’re in there.

Walk on

I think nearly every person has a certain album or song that helps them through heartbreak. The past few breakups for me have been scored by a U2 cd, All That You Can’t Leave Behind. There is a song called Walk On that resonates with me on so many levels. Tonight I started thinking about walking away and how to know when it’s time to do that in life.

Recently I seem to be obsessed with the concept of forgiveness. The universe is raising this issue all over my world, so I must pay attention.

One thing that inevitably comes up with regard to forgiveness is that it is one thing to forgive, it is another thing entirely to continue to subject oneself to the unskillful acts of people who lack sufficient awareness to get through life without hurting people.

“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” ~Maya Angelou

Isn’t that really true of all of us? It must be so. That makes the forgiveness part a lot easier.

It does not, however, assist at all in helping one determine when it is time to cut the ties and move on. In fact, it mucks up the entire decision-making process with hope. Hope that a person will learn and grow and stop behaving in ways that are harmful. But at some point one has to weigh the cost against the benefit of having certain people in our lives. Sometimes it takes years to throw in the towel, sometimes minutes. Depends on the person.

There are a couple of people in my life whose actions have me looking for the graceful exit. One I have known a few years, the other a few weeks. One has hurt me over and over to the point where I cannot trust her. The other is showing his capacity for forgiveness may be pretty shallow. I’m thinking very seriously of blessing each of these people and sending them on their way.

Not being able to trust someone doesn’t mean you don’t forgive them, it just means they have breached a fundamental principle of friendship. In this case, repeatedly. With no hint of growth in 5 years. I think I have waited long enough.

The other is someone I recently started spending time with. It felt like his entire demeanor toward me after I made a non-malicious mistake without intent to harm. If he can’t forgive that, then there’s not much of a point continuing because I make mistakes, I do. I’m human and I’m doing my best. And yet I feel very clumsy sometimes. But I am honest about my shortcomings and I take responsibility for my actions. If under those circumstances he can’t forgive me, then he’s never going to be able to forgive the other stuff I’m bound to do wrong later. Maybe it’s time to move on. Of course I could be wrong, but who knows?

Letting go with love in 2012. That’s the theme for this new year.

I lost someone dear to suicide on New Year’s day…sometimes we have a say in who’s in our lives, sometimes we don’t.

Here’s to making the right choices when we have them.

Adieu 2011

As I look back at 2011, I really want to embrace the lessons of the year and just sort of forgive myself for how things unfolded. It was a hard one. The reason it was hard has a lot to do with my shortcomings and lack of awareness. But the great thing is, whenever we are willing, we are able to grow in awareness by facing the people and situations that are in front of us as with as much present moment awareness as possible.

The thing about awareness is, it is the bright light of heaven shone on something previously dark and scary. No monster that you are willing to look in the eye can even continue to exist. That is how powerful our minds are.

I am dating again and it’s going okay this time. When I look back over the past couple of years of dating, I see improvement in some areas where there were a lot of mistakes. I’m still making them, I just recognize things as mistakes a lot more quickly so I make fewer. It’s progress, I’ll take it.

There is a guy I was seeing for several weeks and we’ve had a bit of an unfortunate misunderstanding. I think he feels justifiably righteous and I feel like it’s good to be human, full of flaws, learning from mistakes, being honest, communicating with sincerity. I think he is on the fence about forgiving me for something I said in an e-mail. It’s okay if he takes his time to decide. But it got me to thinking about how many moments invite us to judge one another and how on the other side of those situations lies the real gift, the opportunity to extend forgiveness and compassion to a fellow human being. How can we not forgive each other for not being perfect? We all know that none of us is, but when we choose not to forgive, we are suggesting otherwise.

To forgive doesn’t mean you have to agree with the person’s actions, but you do not mistake the actions for the person themselves. Nobody does things out of a true desire to hurt others, I’m nearly convinced of it. People are motivated by two things, the desire for happiness and the avoidance of suffering. It’s just the things we do to achieve those ends is different for each of us and sometimes when we are seeking happiness or avoiding suffering we interfere with others’ happiness seeking and suffering avoidance. That’s when misunderstandings happen. But when we back up and see that people are not motivated by a desire to do anything to any of us, that they are simply motivated by the same things that drive us all, it’s a little easier to forgive.

When I think about it, the thing we are always dealing with is the illusion of separation. We seek to reconcile with God because of a failure to recognize our oneness with the Divine and we forgive or not forgive our fellow humans for the same thing, for thinking we are separate when we are not. For failing to recognize each other as ourselves and God. It’s the basis for all misunderstanding and sin.

Ourselves, God, and each other. A trinity. A beautiful mystery.

2011 was hard. I declare 2012 the year of forgiveness and gratitude.

Amen.

Reliving the past

Yesterday was hectic. By the time the day was over all I wanted was to take a bath. Spending even a few minutes soaking in hot water relaxes me. Hot showers are similarly restorative. I think baths should smell really good, but natural, like herbs and plants. My favorite bubble bath is peppermint and eucalyptus. Those smells have the power to erase stress from my mind.

It is very easy [for me] to enter a meditative state while submerged in hot water. So that’s how I use part of my bath time. Every time I get out of the tub I feel like a new person, which I find kind of poetic because of the obvious biblical metaphor of baptism. Water carries some of the heaviest symbolism of all the elements. It mesmerizes me, and I am in awe of it.

Valuable insights come during bubble baths. New ways of looking at old things.

Awareness enhances every experience we have. I find getting to know people with awareness to be very eye-opening. When we are present and aware, we can observe ourselves and hear what we are telling others and how we are telling it. It is revelatory if one chooses to look deeply.

Recently I met a new friend whom I like and respect and I have also been strengthening my connections to some of my older friends. It’s gotten me thinking about the past. We get to know new people by sharing our old stories and I suppose we can change our relationships with old friends by being willing to tell a new story. I recently realized that as I relive my stories by telling them to my new friend, I am able to drop judgments and look at them much more objectively than when they were happening. But I can only do this if I am aware enough to make that choice.

Part of the choice I get to make is what to share with the people. Do I want to share my garbage or my treasures? I want to share the good, not the darkness. The darkness is my responsibility. It can be turned into light and there is no need to burden anyone else with it most of the time. With awareness comes the power to choose and choosing to share our gifts rather than our garbage is one of the best ways to exercise the power of choice, in my opinion.

Even though yesterday was hectic, I faced a situation that was angst filled for me and I did not let it get the better of me. The day turned out just fine and I had a really nice evening which included a tub full of insights.

Things feel good right now. I intend to enjoy this period of peace and calm.

As I was writing this post, the following quote showed up on Facebook, courtesy of Marianne Williamson:

“Give me your past so I can change your mind about it for you.” — A Course in Miracles

 

All I can say is Amen.

 

Reboot

Once again I find myself needing to post something just to keep my commitment to posting. It’s not that there’s nothing going on, it’s that I haven’t been taking much time to think about things. I’ve been distracting myself instead. Thankfully the holidays create distraction.

I’ve chosen distraction because, in my opinion, it is preferable to dwelling on things I have no control over. If I indulge too much in that activity, I quickly start spinning my wheels. To allow my mind to obsess over something that belongs in the hands of God, is a waste of my energy. There are a lot of other things in my life that deserve my attention more than the things I don’t like, those things I wish to surrender to the universe.

There is a glimmer of hope in my romantic life. Not with regard to one specific person, the whole process just feels better now. I’ve connected with a few nice guys, gone out a few times with a couple of them, and it’s been okay. No disasters, not even in the comic sense. I haven’t found one yet that I’d be interested in having a relationship with, but it’s okay that it’s taking some time. I want it to be right when it happens. I am going out next week with a guy who has so many quirky things in common with me that the prospect of meeting him makes me feel happy. He’s also very good-looking. That makes me happy…for obvious reasons. Hopefully he’s also a good person. I guess we’ll find out.

I’m hoping for small, manageable changes in my life. Just a little forward movement in the dating world, and maybe a bit more than that in the career world. I’m sorta playing life like a very important chess game right now. Slow and deliberate. Ya know?

For the past couple of weeks I have abandoned almost every comforting ritual in my life. I pray, but not nearly as often as I have at times; I haven’t been meditating often enough; I have stopped reading and writing. I’m never sure why I do this when life feels stressful, but that’s what happens. I’ve taken the giant step of forgiving myself for it. I have finally stopped adding guilt to everything I do or fail to do. It makes the difficult times go by more smoothly.

Tonight I will spend some time returning to my best beliefs–blessing all creatures, entertaining lovely thoughts, and restoring that heart connection with all that is good and right.

What a blessing it is for all of us that the Source is always available when we wish to tap into it.

Keeping the faith…it’s here somewhere

Last night I wrote a post about faith and willingness. This morning I feel like I need to follow that up and explain a little about how faith works in my life.

I am not one of those people who goes through life with rock solid faith. Faith for me is a process that must be worked at constantly. Because of the way it works in my life, I have always been curious about those people who seem to be able to exercise their faith unwaveringly in the darkest moments. I am not sure if those people actually have the same kinds of struggles and doubts that I and many other people seem to experience. If they do, they sure aren’t telling anyone.

There’s no right or wrong way to have faith. And maybe the difference between me and people whose faith seems so readily available to them is one of organization. Maybe it’s like the person with the neat and tidy desk who, when asked for something, finds it effortlessly in their beautiful and pristine workspace. My faith is under one of the many piles of very important stuff on my spiritual desk. It’s there and I can find it, it’s just gonna take me a minute…and it might have a coffee cup ring on it

Those who know me know I aspire to be a spiritual guru of sorts. Not because I think I have all the answers. Each person has the answers to their own questions, I just want to help people look. Kinda like when you lose your car keys. I want to be the person who reminds you to look in the pocket of the pants you wore yesterday, not the one who points out that if you had a better system and were more organized you wouldn’t have these issues. I’m not sure where in the world of spiritual gurus there is room for one such as me, but I hope to find my place.

Perhaps someday I will be one of those people who never seems to struggle and can use my spiritual tools proactively to create a beautiful stress-free life for myself and my family. Until then, I’ll be writing about my miracles as I recognize them, often in retrospect, and looking for my faith…the way I look for my glasses when I am already wearing them.

 

 

Willing heart

Life is bittersweet sometimes.

Things are still a ways from being perfect, but sometimes when I think about how the universe works, I am humbled and amazed.

On November 2, when I was in the deepest, darkest place of uncertainty, I tweeted this: The universe is bringing everything my family needs to keep going. I believe this and I give thanks in advance. ❤ I had very little tangible evidence to support that statement and I knew, even then, that my belief was in something much bigger than the circumstances in which I found myself.

Faith is like a muscle that is built by accepting what life brings with as much grace and equanimity as can be mustered. I do this to the best of my ability, though I will admit I do not always succeed, and sometimes feel very petty and weak.

Composing that tweet was a conscious and aware decision. I knew what my situation was, I knew something needed to happen, and I knew I had nothing I could point to as an indicator that things would be okay. But I knew that believing that things would not be okay was not an option. If I go around thinking things are going to suck and then they suck, I feel like I contributed to that outcome. But when I am truly able to believe things will work out, they do. It’s beautiful, especially when the connection between the belief and the outcome seems obvious.

A few days after posting the tweet, a friend tipped me off to a potential earning opportunity, which resulted in another friend offering to employ me until my permanent job starts. It’s not a lottery win, but it is a giant step toward things being okay again. I feel the difference the most in my heart. I have been carrying some heavy, heavy burdens with very few people to talk to. But once I finally told someone how scared I was feeling and how hard things have been, it started getting better immediately.

Faith requires a willingness to admit the truth about ourselves and about life. If we can do this with compassion, the universe responds…with loving kindness. God–whatever that means to a person–loves us. It is humanity that is harsh with itself.

The moments of truth that lead up to the tweet declaration were of the Jesus take the wheel variety. I was praying a lot and while talking to God about my life and circumstances, I finally came to the question Whatcha gonna do? And my answer was: I got nothin’, God. That place of ultimate surrender. The place where you have to surrender because there are no other options.

Grace only comes where it is truly needed. It is not welcome when we choose to grapple and struggle with things on our own. It is in giving up, saying fuck it to the cosmos, that we create the space necessary for grace to enter our hearts. When it happens, it is sublime. At the same time, I realize that some moments can’t be experienced if things are always going smoothly. We experience joy in proportion to our capacity to endure hardship without bitterness. In proportion to our willingness to see things as good no matter how they seem on the surface. How do I know my experience is good? Because it is the one I am having.

On November 2, I didn’t know what I was going to do to get my life back on track, but I knew one thing, I was willing…to do whatever it would take…and to be open and unconditionally accepting [of myself] in my darkest moments.

I see the light again.

Because of the difficulties that my life has been blessed with, I have experienced the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding. How can I fail to be grateful for this?

If any of this resonates, please check out Chapter 18, section 5 of A Course in Miracles. I actually looked it up just prior to writing this post, well after my own recent miracle was underway, but it so beautifully completes my thoughts here. And much more eloquently.

The thing at the top of my gratitude list these days? Sleeping soundly.

Amen.