Crossroads

It is interesting having options. I prefer it to not, but making life decisions can be stressful, especially when you feel you’ve made poor ones in the past.

I find myself at a crossroads in more than one area of life right now. There is nothing bad happening; it’s all very positive, all about choices, but I find myself terrified at the thought of making decisions that will disturb the status quo too much. I’ve been through so much the past couple years and things are finally starting to settle down. Do I want to stay settled and risk getting in a rut or do I want to stir things up a little and see what I can make of it?

Recently I have been finding a lot more joy in life. When a certain amount of stress is missing, it makes it a lot easier to appreciate things and be present and not preoccupied. I appreciate that so much. I believe it is out of this sense of joy that some of the options before me have manifested.

That is a very important thing to remember in a situation like the one in which I currently find myself. Nothing that shows up in my life does so apart from my intention to have certain experiences. There is nothing I can experience that I am not open to experiencing. If I were not open, situations would not present themselves. Everything that is going on in my life right now is the result of the thoughts I have been thinking up to now. It’s not all pretty, I’d be lying if I said it was. But some really beautiful people and situations have come into my life and sometimes when I think about what and who I am attracting, it makes me really happy to know that the universe is responding to what I am offering. It’s truly humbling.

I have to make a career decision within the next 24 hours. And there are other, more personal decisions to make right now too. The personal stuff is not pressing, so for the moment, I deal with the issue before me.

It boils down to a cost/benefit analysis. What’s more important, money or happiness? On the grand scale that question is very easy to answer. But on the small-scale, the distinction is a much finer one.

This is one of those situations that is too big for me to figure out on my own. I need to pray and then clear my mind of the thought of it. Once I give the question over, the answer will come.

The more I live, the more I figure out that thinking is such a flawed way of problem solving much of the time. The ability to reason is flawed in the best of analytical thinkers. I’ve reasoned my way through many issues. I’ve been formally trained in logic and analysis. But the answers to the truly important questions always come in the silence. When I get out of the way, things tend to work out just fine.

I put myself in the hands of God. And I have faith that I will find beauty on my journey regardless of which path I take.

Amen.

A breath of fresh air

“As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people the permission to do the same.” ~Nelson Mandela

 

Today, in anticipation of Spring, I bought a pretty pink skirt. It’s lovely and has a subtle floral print. It makes me happy just looking at it.

Why this got me thinking about Facebook and other social media, I am not sure, but I realized that when we share the small, joyous moments of our lives with our friends and family, it makes everyone’s life a little nicer and lightens the burdens of all involved. It’s like a breath of fresh air. And I believe it is possible to do it without bragging, I’ve seen it. There are some lovely people on my Facebook friends list and on Twitter who make my life nicer just knowing they are out there.

My whole goal with Facebook and especially Twitter is to share my joy with the world. I do it because I have been blessed with a particular way of looking at the world, and the ability to write fairly well. And fairly concisely as it turns out, though I am certain my blog posts beg to differ. My point is, I have come to a place in my life where I fully understand that both my broad-minded perspective and my writing skills are gifts and the best way I can honor those gifts is to share them.

By choosing to be a leader in this way, by giving yourself permission to be authentic, to be vulnerable, to share your open heart, and to love freely and unconditionally, you literally invite others to do likewise. If you cultivate good qualities in yourself through prayer, meditation, and spiritual discipline, you can share those with others through the way you treat them. They will see a glimpse of their own holiness in you and their lives will be made better. It gives people hope to see someone earnest on their spiritual path. Mine may not be the prettiest display of spiritual work, but nobody would ever accuse me of not trying, that much I know. And if it helps anyone to look at my example and know that we’re all just doing the best we can, then what I’m doing is worthwhile.

The small number of people whose lives I have touched have made every risk I take in sharing myself through writing totally worth it.

I love seeing the light shine on Facebook and Twitter. More and more I see people posting positive, uplifting messages to share with the people they love.

If you go around loving and accepting people, just as they are, you know what you get? A lot of happy people who feel safe around you. It’s beautiful.

Kinda like a pretty, pink skirt and the promise of Spring.

A touch of grace

Why are we humans so attached to our problems? I suppose it could just be me, but even with all the spiritual self-discipline I have at times, sometimes I still struggle and grapple with a problem until it’s too painful to handle anymore before I will let go.

The thing about letting go is, even though it usually happens while one is at the edge of the pit of despair, the relief is immediate and palpable.

I had a particularly emotionally difficult night a couple of nights ago. So many things coming at me from multiple directions. Way more than I could process and expect to sleep at all before work. By the time I got home, less than 4 hours before I was supposed to be at work, I was freezing from walking outside for a couple of hours and my heart was heavy. I got into bed trying to warm up, but lay shivering for some time. As I was lying there hoping to settle down enough to go to sleep, I experienced a moment of grace.

My thoughts were racing from an earlier interaction with a friend that caught me off guard. I was crying. And I realized that, with regard to the particular situation that was troubling me, I have no answers anymore. It needed to be turned over to God. Trying to figure it out, which is something I have been putting effort into for far longer than just recently, causes distress.

When I reached the end of my rope, I prayed…in the name of Jesus, something I haven’t done in a long time because I am no longer a member of a church and I don’t consider myself a Christian by the standard definition. What happened was a small miracle. It was after 3 a.m. and I get up for work at 6 a.m. I was tearful and cold and felt very alone. It was one of those situations where I could have lain awake for hours, but knew I needed at least a little sleep to be able to do my job. So I simply said: I am out of answers, this situation requires grace, not obsessive worry. Jesus, please take this burden from my heart so I can rest a few hours before work. Then I fell asleep.

It was amazing because the effect was immediate. I said the prayer, closed my eyes and went to sleep instantly. I don’t fall asleep that easily on a normal day when everything is good. I’ve always had trouble shutting my mind off. I feel tremendous gratitude for this miracle.

Two very big lessons came to me from this experience.

The first is that even though it can feel uncomfortable, that dark place, the place of despair where you’ve run out of ideas, that’s not a bad place…unless you stay there spinning your wheels. That moment is the moment of grace, if you are willing to receive it. If you are willing to truly let things go and put no more energy into struggling. It’s really quite beautiful.

The other insight I gained from the experience is just because I am not a Christian by other people’s standards does not mean that I am no longer allowed to call upon the name of Jesus. That is a relationship nobody can take from me and I should never have given it up voluntarily.

Because of my understanding of religion and metaphor, it should have been clear to me that the name of Jesus does not belong to anyone exclusively. Jesus belongs to anyone who anyone who wants to connect with him.

In the truly difficult moments I am always somehow reminded that I am not alone. For this I am eternally grateful.

Namaste.

How to stay sane

I decided that if I were to build a time machine, it would look like this:

I am certain a vehicle such as this could take me anywhere I want to go in the universe.

I’m also pretty sure I’ve time traveled in the bath.

Two things happen in the bath. I am able to quiet my mind and the thoughts I do have are creative, not destructive.

The bath is my favorite place on earth.

I take frequent baths. Several times a week. It helps my joints stay flexible and pain-free, and it helps my mind stay that way too.

Baths help me maintain a sense of equanimity. It’s a place where I can let everything that concerns me float away. Astrologically, I’m a water sign, so it makes sense that I’m happiest when I’m submerged. I feel truly protected in the water.

Consider this bath:

• Add 1 lb. each of sea salt and baking soda
• Place clear quartz crystals that have been cleansed and activated around the edge of the tub
• Bless the water with love and gratitude
• Allow yourself to think or not think as mood dictates
• Request the company of angels (if you are so inclined)

What this bath will do is remove negative energy picked up during the course of one’s day and I can guarantee, it will make you feel like a brand new person when you get out, whether you are in for 10 minutes or an hour.

My relationship with water is special. I find that I tend to meditate in the shower and pray in the bath. I think it’s because I shower in the morning before work and I bathe at night before bed. Both of these rituals are important and contribute greatly to my spiritual life and my ability to stay sane in this chaotic world.

Time does not have to exist in the bath. This is why you can go wherever your mind will take you while you’re in there.

Expectations

“When one’s expectations are reduced to zero, one really appreciates everything one does have.” ~Stephen Hawking

Expectation is not our friend. It is impossible to love unconditionally and have any expectations of other people’s behavior. That’s why I believe that one of the keys to happiness is looking closely at one’s beliefs about things and rooting out qualifiers and expectations. It’s the ability to let go. Few things bring greater peace and joy to life than the ability to let go of expectations, of people, and of things. Non-attachment is one of the great keys to enlightenment.

Disappointment is the best way to identify attachments and expectations. We can all recognize that feeling because we have all felt it at some point. If you really embrace and examine feelings of disappointment, no matter how painful, you will mine spiritual gold from the insights. Because once you identify an attachment, only then does it become possible to release it.

One of the hardest areas for me to let go at times is romantic feelings. Actually, I’ve let go pretty easily in all but two situations my whole life, and those two relationships, back to back, rocked my world. So they definitely have value in showing me what makes me want to be attached to another person. It makes me look at both myself and the other person. And I think that’s good.

Sometimes the universe asks us to let go of the same person over and over. In the deepest part of my soul I believe when that happens, it is the continuation of something that has been going on for lifetimes beyond this one. When a person drifts in and out of your life repeatedly over the years and yet, there is nothing but love, no matter how much time passes, that is a person you know beyond the five senses. It’s pretty hard to deny.

In situations like these I like to rely on what some might consider magical or fanciful thinking, but it brings me comfort, so I’m not gonna knock it. It is truly the hope that lies in the pattern of separation and reconciliation that keeps me going. The hope that because we have done this so many times, we will continue doing it until we get it right.

All who meet will one day meet again until their relationship becomes holy. ~A Course in Miracles

The challenge of loving a person unconditionally is a big one. Try to accept a person, any person, exactly as they are without needing them to change a single thing. While you will find it’s harder with some than with others, in the easiest case it still takes a ton of self-discipline. Yet, every victory of the heart to love unconditionally is the most beautiful gift to the universe. And because I believe that God or the universe or whatever anyone wants to call it has blessed all of us so completely and amazingly, I believe it deserves the very best we have to offer as humans. And our very best comes from our hearts and minds, not from anything external.

This line of thinking brings me back to the concept of impermanence and what a lovely gift that is. It tells us that nothing goes on forever, so in the moments that hurt, we can have hope; in the joyous moments we can have deep gratitude. It’s all in how we choose to look at things.

Sometimes we learn to live a life free of expectations after great losses. That’s where I am coming from. When things go spectacularly wrong in life, if you are aware and able to stand back and observe your own life, you can see the hand of God at work.

The hard times have been hard the past couple of years, I can’t deny that, but what I have gained in patience and equanimity cannot be acquired by other means. I have no regrets…and very few expectations.

Letting go is the best feeling on earth.

Be at peace.