Untethered

As much as I looked forward to putting 2011 behind me, I have to say that 2012 hasn’t been easy thus far. That is not to say that it has been bad. It’s just had some difficult moments already.

On New Year’s day I lost a dear friend. The younger brother of my ex-boyfriend, the opera singer I have written about a few times in this blog. He and I maintained a close friendship after the breakup, which was a little challenging, I will admit, because his brother refused to end the relationship properly in my opinion. One of the reasons I was so persistent in trying to put that relationship to rest with compassion and love is because life does present situations like the death of family members and I was hoping not to reunite with my ex under those kinds of circumstances and I knew that because I love his family and they love me, that the possibility did exist.

So one of my worst case scenarios came true. And it turned out okay. Better than okay really. The moment I saw my ex-boyfriend at the memorial service, I felt the burden of the past couple years lift from my heart. There was forgiveness and that’s all I ever wanted. It was a really beautiful moment that I will treasure for the rest of my life.

The thing that has come back to my mind over and over since the service, which was just over a week ago, is how easily he moved on from our relationship and how I have never been the same since.

It wasn’t actually the relationship that changed me, but the aftermath. It was like he set off a nuclear bomb in my soul and the result was a chain reaction that has affected all of my relationships going forward. Affected meaning that I haven’t really been able to have one with a man since then. Not that it’s a bad thing for a person who had spent nearly every day of their adult life in a marriage or relationship, as I had, to have the opportunity to understand solitude and the beauty of silence.

When I think back to my relationship with the opera singer I see what a high price I paid to have someone in my life. Certainly I loved him, but he drained my heart, mind, soul, and bank account. Just as my marriage had. I left my marriage and I’m glad I did, but with the opera singer, I would have stuck it out much longer if he hadn’t gotten bored. He took everything he could get and then he left.

Anyway, the point of this post is that I have found it very difficult to connect with anyone on an intimate level. I have dated a lot. I even fell in love. But over and over I have consistently picked people I can’t go there with for one reason or another.

In the past week I have very positively interacted with four different men whom I care very much about, including my ex-boyfriend. These connections are very important to me. I have had at least a fleeting romantic interest in each of these people. And one of them I am so crazy about I would surely burst from happiness if we could make a romantic relationship work. The point is, I have these amazing connections and yet, I am lonely and can’t seem to find a relationship based on the deep connections I am able to make. And that bothers me.

The world seems to be saying that it is preferable to have relationships that do not exist in the physical realm. That Facebook is the equivalent of true friendship. I am here to say, for lack of a better term, bullshit.

Several years ago when my sister died, a friend I met at my job and became very close to, came to my sister’s funeral. She sat with me in the private family section. She didn’t even hesitate about going there with me. Her entire purpose in going was to make sure I felt less alone. She held my hand through the service. It was my darkest hour and my friend loved me enough to be physically present to support me. You can’t get that on Facebook.

I’m not looking for someone to change my Facebook relationship status for. I’m looking for someone to be present with. Someone to hold hands with when life feels overwhelming.

It feels like I am at a crossroads. Either get off internet based relationships altogether and go find real, flesh and blood human beings to connect with or get used to the idea that all the support I can look forward to the rest of my life is going to look like this:

The great thing about being at a crossroads is that it forces you to make a choice. Thank goodness for choices.

Kindness

Kindness

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

~Naomi Shihab Nye

Walk on

I think nearly every person has a certain album or song that helps them through heartbreak. The past few breakups for me have been scored by a U2 cd, All That You Can’t Leave Behind. There is a song called Walk On that resonates with me on so many levels. Tonight I started thinking about walking away and how to know when it’s time to do that in life.

Recently I seem to be obsessed with the concept of forgiveness. The universe is raising this issue all over my world, so I must pay attention.

One thing that inevitably comes up with regard to forgiveness is that it is one thing to forgive, it is another thing entirely to continue to subject oneself to the unskillful acts of people who lack sufficient awareness to get through life without hurting people.

“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” ~Maya Angelou

Isn’t that really true of all of us? It must be so. That makes the forgiveness part a lot easier.

It does not, however, assist at all in helping one determine when it is time to cut the ties and move on. In fact, it mucks up the entire decision-making process with hope. Hope that a person will learn and grow and stop behaving in ways that are harmful. But at some point one has to weigh the cost against the benefit of having certain people in our lives. Sometimes it takes years to throw in the towel, sometimes minutes. Depends on the person.

There are a couple of people in my life whose actions have me looking for the graceful exit. One I have known a few years, the other a few weeks. One has hurt me over and over to the point where I cannot trust her. The other is showing his capacity for forgiveness may be pretty shallow. I’m thinking very seriously of blessing each of these people and sending them on their way.

Not being able to trust someone doesn’t mean you don’t forgive them, it just means they have breached a fundamental principle of friendship. In this case, repeatedly. With no hint of growth in 5 years. I think I have waited long enough.

The other is someone I recently started spending time with. It felt like his entire demeanor toward me after I made a non-malicious mistake without intent to harm. If he can’t forgive that, then there’s not much of a point continuing because I make mistakes, I do. I’m human and I’m doing my best. And yet I feel very clumsy sometimes. But I am honest about my shortcomings and I take responsibility for my actions. If under those circumstances he can’t forgive me, then he’s never going to be able to forgive the other stuff I’m bound to do wrong later. Maybe it’s time to move on. Of course I could be wrong, but who knows?

Letting go with love in 2012. That’s the theme for this new year.

I lost someone dear to suicide on New Year’s day…sometimes we have a say in who’s in our lives, sometimes we don’t.

Here’s to making the right choices when we have them.

Adieu 2011

As I look back at 2011, I really want to embrace the lessons of the year and just sort of forgive myself for how things unfolded. It was a hard one. The reason it was hard has a lot to do with my shortcomings and lack of awareness. But the great thing is, whenever we are willing, we are able to grow in awareness by facing the people and situations that are in front of us as with as much present moment awareness as possible.

The thing about awareness is, it is the bright light of heaven shone on something previously dark and scary. No monster that you are willing to look in the eye can even continue to exist. That is how powerful our minds are.

I am dating again and it’s going okay this time. When I look back over the past couple of years of dating, I see improvement in some areas where there were a lot of mistakes. I’m still making them, I just recognize things as mistakes a lot more quickly so I make fewer. It’s progress, I’ll take it.

There is a guy I was seeing for several weeks and we’ve had a bit of an unfortunate misunderstanding. I think he feels justifiably righteous and I feel like it’s good to be human, full of flaws, learning from mistakes, being honest, communicating with sincerity. I think he is on the fence about forgiving me for something I said in an e-mail. It’s okay if he takes his time to decide. But it got me to thinking about how many moments invite us to judge one another and how on the other side of those situations lies the real gift, the opportunity to extend forgiveness and compassion to a fellow human being. How can we not forgive each other for not being perfect? We all know that none of us is, but when we choose not to forgive, we are suggesting otherwise.

To forgive doesn’t mean you have to agree with the person’s actions, but you do not mistake the actions for the person themselves. Nobody does things out of a true desire to hurt others, I’m nearly convinced of it. People are motivated by two things, the desire for happiness and the avoidance of suffering. It’s just the things we do to achieve those ends is different for each of us and sometimes when we are seeking happiness or avoiding suffering we interfere with others’ happiness seeking and suffering avoidance. That’s when misunderstandings happen. But when we back up and see that people are not motivated by a desire to do anything to any of us, that they are simply motivated by the same things that drive us all, it’s a little easier to forgive.

When I think about it, the thing we are always dealing with is the illusion of separation. We seek to reconcile with God because of a failure to recognize our oneness with the Divine and we forgive or not forgive our fellow humans for the same thing, for thinking we are separate when we are not. For failing to recognize each other as ourselves and God. It’s the basis for all misunderstanding and sin.

Ourselves, God, and each other. A trinity. A beautiful mystery.

2011 was hard. I declare 2012 the year of forgiveness and gratitude.

Amen.