I had a bit of an emotional meltdown a couple of days ago and, as therapeutic and cathartic as it ultimately was, it was a violent shaking of my peace of mind. These moments are hard, but not to be missed on the path to enlightenment.
We all have people in our lives who challenge us. Sometimes in areas that are unpleasant and huge, like patience and our ability to forgive. These interactions can be very intense.
But I continue to believe, in my soul, that these are valuable people who come into our lives to push those buttons. What we learn about ourselves in our most uncomfortable moments is knowledge that is worth its weight in gold. But sometimes you have to dig through some ugly stuff before you get it.
There is a person in my world who does and says things that I wholly disapprove of. If I am honest I will say I don’t really like this person. And yet, the very core of my spiritual beliefs tells me that we are not separate, there is no us and them, no me and her. Which means my disapproval of her affects me. Just as our personalities reflect various facets of our soul, each one of us is a part of the same great Source. When there is absolutely nothing else you can rely on to help you appreciate a person, there’s always that.
What do I always come back to? Remembering that none of us wants anything different from the rest of us, we all just want to be happy and avoid suffering. Some people go about it in ways that are thoughtless or hurtful. Most of the time probably out of complete ignorance of others.
When I thought about this person who is like a thorn in my side, I became very upset. The universe appears to bless this person no matter what. No matter how horribly she treats others, she continues to succeed and prosper. And I had to wonder why that is when everything I have ever read about success stresses being kind. The thing I realized is that it’s not so much how this person behaves as it is what she believes that creates the things that show up in her life. She feels entitled and she does not hesitate to let the entire world know it. And the world responds. The part that she leaves in the fine print is that she’s ruthless. And that is the part I disapprove of.
Ultimately, there is more than enough of everything to go around. There is an entire universe full of creative power. And the key to receiving? Feeling worthy.
Recently I read a quote by Oprah about the difference between feeling deserving versus feeling worthy. There is a difference. Everyone is deserving and most of us can say we feel like we deserve good things, but not everyone feels worthy or worthwhile. It’s a hard thing when those insecurities surface, but it’s worth looking at because feelings of unworthiness can keep truly good people from ever realizing their dreams.
The truth is: We are worthwhile because we were born. We’re here. We showed up for this human experiment. And we should all be living lives of abundance and blessings.
When you think about it, there really can’t be any truly bad people. There are people who misuse the energy that flows through them, but we’re all just doing our best to feel okay and sometimes we are unskillful. The person I was upset with–and if I’m truthful, envious of–has a lot of emptiness in her life…in areas where mine overflows. She may have some of the things I think I want, but I have been blessed beyond measure with gifts that cannot be bought, nor acquired through manipulation. She deserves compassion, not envy.
Seeing the ugly parts of myself in the moments when I experience things like envy and jealousy is heartbreaking. Even though my thoughts were focused on someone else, my heart was overwhelmed with disappointment in only me. And I am the only person whose behavior I have to be concerned with. I am willing to see the truth that comes from the darkness and become the person I am meant to be.
Lesson learned: I am not a bad person…and neither is anyone else.