My two favorite topics: Spirituality and Romance. They are the things I think about most.
Lately I feel it necessary to ask myself a lot of questions about exactly what it is I am looking for in a relationship.
I’ve been alone for a couple of years now. The longest I have ever been without a partner. In the big picture, it’s not a great length of time, but there are days when it feels like eons since I have connected with a person on that level. I miss it, I admit it.
Relationships can be deeply spiritual in that they invite us to practice our most dearly held beliefs and discover the limits of our ability to forgive and love unconditionally. A part of me is ready to go there again, but I want to get caught up in something light and lovely, not something reckless and potentially destructive. Ya know?
“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” ~Joan Crawford
I’ve had my metaphoric house burned down from love, I’m not interested in going there again. The next romantic situation I get into will be much easier because I have learned a lot about expectation and disappointment in the past couple of years. Having expectations of others is not fair to them. And it virtually ensures disappointment.
The term friends with benefits has always bugged me, but rationally speaking, that is what a healthy relationship is about. The person I have a romantic relationship with needs to be none other than my best friend in the universe. That is so much more important than the statistical details most people are looking for in a partner (height, weight, income, etc.).
I have wondered if what I’m looking for even exists. The great thing about living in Portland is, if it does exist, I will find it here. People here are open-minded, freely expressive and highly creative. It’s a magical place to live. I love it here. So, my wish is that I find him here. And that he have a cute beard.
Right now I would like to meet someone it feels good to be around and have someone to do things with. Someone to hold hands with and kiss and be silly with. I do not want to get married or even live with anyone just yet, I would like us each to have our own space and go there regularly and see other friends and spend time alone. But I would also like to have this person around some of the time to hang out , eat meals together and go to movies or the zoo, things like that. Someone to go to Powell’s Books with. And maybe spend the night with a few times a week. Is it possible to find such a relationship and for two people to be happy in it without needing to push it forward or involve other people? I’m not looking for something polyamorous, just something spacious.
One of my favorite books is True Love by Thich Nhat Hanh. In it he has a section about the loving gesture of giving people enough space. The concept is called upeksha, meaning equanimity or freedom. Here’s what he has to say about it:
“In true love you attain freedom. When you love you bring freedom to the person you love. If the opposite is true, it is not true love. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free, not only outside, but inside. ‘Dear one, do you have enough space in your heart and all around you?’ This is an intelligent question for testing out whether your love is something real.”
Some day I may want to live with someone or be married again, but I would like it to take a slower pace than my previous relationships. There’s no reason for hurry. Slowness allows more awareness and mindfulness. Friendships can really blossom over time.
I’m looking for that person it feels effortless to be around. The one I can breathe with–content to spend time together in total silence, just being near each other and understanding what that really means.
There is a little something in my heart these days that tells me not only is what I am looking for possible, I am very close to finding it. It’s a sensation that is hard to put my finger on, but there is definitely something in the air these days. It feels like something in this area is about to shift.
“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
“It is the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.”
~Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)