Seek first

Today I am praying for God to protect the people of the east coast of the United States. I have friends there and I give thanks for their continued safety during the hurricane.

Melancholy pervades my existence these days. I feel very much alone and adrift. And I’m being what I wish was realistic with myself, but is probably more like harsh and judgmental.

My life looks nothing like I thought it would at this point and there are times when I cannot help but feel a profound sense of disappointment in myself. I have accomplished more than I ever dreamed of in some areas, but there are things that I thought would fall into place that haven’t and most of the major areas of my life have been affected.

All of this started about 5 years ago, but things really fell apart a couple of years ago. And while I feel like I have made important progress, it feels like there is still so much left to do to clean up the aftermath of the hurricane of events that blew through my life, leveling everything I had been building for years. Everything I thought was important was lost. My relationship with my family, my best friend, the job I loved, and any sense of financial security I may have had. All gone, all about the same time, early 2009.

Every once in a while I look at my life and can’t see the sense in it. Those are the moments it is most painful to be me. I have been experiencing many of those the past few days.

Much of what I have been going through this week likely results from being tired. I’ve been staying up way too late and going to work on very few hours of sleep. When I try to function in this way, every area of my life suffers, most notably my perspective.

When I look at my life, I am not at the top of my professional success. I do not believe it is impossible for me to be again, but I still have to figure out exactly what that means to me.

What has all the pain and struggle gotten me? A heart of pure compassionate gold. What some consider life’s greatest treasure. Sometimes it is hard to appreciate the gifts of the spirit when I am busy using them.

I may not have achieved perfect professional or financial success, but how much does that really define who I am or why I am here?

What do I have that I can share with people? Goodness. My heart.

I am one of those people who spends a good deal of time praying for other people. I pray constantly, all day every day. I use the majority of my time and energy blessing people and making divine requests on behalf of those in need of grace. I wish for all beings to have peace and wellness.

People who know me ask me to pray for them when they are facing challenges. Many of my friends have expressed a high level of confidence in the effectiveness of my thoughts and prayers. It seems as if I am regarded as one who is close to God. And in my truest and best moments I am. I have been close to God my entire life though I have understood the concept many different ways over the years. When I put together all of the ideas I have had about God in my entire life, it forms a beautiful mosaic of thought. The very few conclusions I have come to have produced a kind and gentle nature that I will never live to regret.

I have worked at this relationship and it has produced great things.

³² For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. ³³ But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.³⁴ “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. –Matthew 6:32-34 (New American Standard Bible)

If this passage from the Bible is true, all I have to do is stay focused on everything that is good, right, just and loving. Everything else will fall into place on its own. There are moments when I know this as surely as I know anything. Other times I have to remind myself, hence blog posts such as this one.

Wishing for angel protection for those in the path of the hurricane, literally or symbolically.

Believe it and receive it

It never fails to amaze me the ways in which the minutiae of life is metaphor for much larger, more powerful concepts. I believe this is the path to success in using things like the law of attraction. We figure out the big picture by looking closely at the small one.

I learned another cosmic lesson today at my job. A customer asked me for something expecting to be told no and when I found the thing he was looking for, he was unprepared to pay for it. No big deal, it happens a lot in that job, but today it hit me like a ton of bricks. If I ask the universe for something, I must be ready to receive it. And I’m not sure I have been as ready as I need to be. This is incentive to focus and work harder and get my life in order as much as possible. Luck happens to those who are diligent and prepared.

You can be diligent and still be unprepared. And then when life tries to offer you what you have asked for, you have no way to receive it. Case in point, the customer from earlier. He wasn’t prepared to be told yes, he prepared himself to be told no. Had he prepared to hear yes, he would have talked to all the people he needed to talk to and had his credit card in hand before calling.

I need to have my credit card in hand before I make this next call to the universe.

Sometimes it is necessary to make room for new people and things in life. I’m a minimalist, I don’t collect anything. Not people, not things. But, if in a symbolic act of spaciousness I need to clear out some room for something new, I’m willing to do that.

It’s good to get rid of stuff you don’t need. Whether it be things, people, or thoughts. If it does not serve the greater good, bless it and let it go.

If I want the person I love to love me back, I need to be someone he can love. Which means I need to understand what is important to him and figure out if those things can be important to me too. It’s one thing to be in love with someone, it’s another thing entirely to be good for that person. We must fulfill the role that creates the greatest good in the world. Sometimes that role is romantic, sometimes it’s platonic.

I find it difficult to continue this without gushing a little. I just really believe when you find the person whom you recognize to be the nicest person you have ever met–the one that becomes instant best friend–and that person is attractive looking to you…marry them! For crying out loud, just marry them already! If two soul mates meet and they are both single and attractive, smart, compassionate, etc., it is a travesty if they do not make that connection.

I cannot get my friend out of my head. Whenever I see him I feel like I am walking on a cloud for hours and days afterward. I do come back to earth eventually, but it’s like drugs. When I am around him I feel like I automatically become a better person. In case you’re wondering, that was the gushing bit I referred to before.

Looking forward to things falling into place perfectly.

Is it wrong of me to notice places that would make a lovely venue for a simple, elegant wedding?

I jest.

Mostly.

Moment of truth

There is a person I have written about in this blog, a certain friend of mine who drifted out of my life just over a year ago.

Yesterday, out of the blue, he e-mailed me and wanted to get together.

The e-mail elicited a very emotional reaction from me. Only because I adore him completely and I thought I might never see him again.

Earlier today I saw my friend. It made me very happy.

Some people when you are around them you leave feeling really good. He’s one of those people for me. He’s kind and happy, he smiles a lot and he’s beautiful.

In the hours leading up to this meeting I was nervous. I had not seen this person for over a year and we parted under some confusing circumstances. We were facing a moment of truth. One in which we would find out if there was still any spark between us. A lot can change in a year.

We met for coffee today and spent a couple hours catching up. A couple of my favorite hours in recent history.

Turns out I’m still crazy about him and probably always will be. We had a great time today. Lots of laughing and smiles and joyfulness. Thirteen months disappeared as if no time had passed.

Here’s where I am about it all. There is a good chance I am always going to be in love with this guy, but I have no expectation of it ever being more than it is right now. And I’m okay with that.

As I told a friend earlier, given the choice, I’ll take being in love over not any day of the week. It’s the feelings that matter, not the circumstances surrounding their expression. What my friend and I have is genuine and however we are able to communicate that is a blessing.

All things possible

“Love means to love that which is unlovable, or it is no virtue at all; forgiving means to pardon the unpardonable, or it is no virtue at all; faith means believing the unbelievable, or it is no virtue at all; And to hope means hoping when things are hopeless, or it is no virtue at all.“  ~ Jhem Marquez

I found that quote on Facebook and really like it, but when I started thinking about it, I thought of these words by the Beatles:

“There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done. Nothing you can sing that can’t be sung. Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game, It’s easy. There’s nothing you can make that can’t be made. No one you can save that can’t be saved. Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time – It’s easy.” (All You Need Is Love)

If I apply the Beatles’ logic to that quote I find:

• There is no such thing as unlovable if it’s even possible you can love.
• There is no such thing as unforgivable if it’s even possible you can forgive.
• There is no such thing as unbelievable if it’s even possible you can believe.
• And there is no such thing as hopeless if it’s even possible to hope.

As much as I like the quote from Facebook, I have to go with John Lennon on this one.

Found

Doreen Virtue is one of my favorite spiritual gurus. Her books are filled with light and hope and sweet intentions. In one of the first of her books that I read, she relayed a story about her mother teaching her the metaphysical concept of the power of making declarations. In Doreen’s story, she had lost something she loved, I can’t remember what it was, but it may have been a purse. She was upset and her mother taught her to declare Nothing is ever lost in the mind of God. Shortly after making the declaration and believing it, her possession was returned to her.

It might not seem like a huge thing because people lose and find things all the time, but consider the energy of a calm mind that does not believe in the concept of lost compared to a frantic mind that is reinforcing the same concept.

Which one seems like it might have more positive power of attraction?

Good things come to those who wait. I do not think that saying is referring to time when it speaks of waiting. I believe it’s talking about the nature of waiting and being patient. The way to true patience is through belief in a positive outcome. Without that belief patience, and the equanimity that comes with it, cannot happen.

The recent news I received about my job ending sooner than expected caused me a bit of emotional turmoil. I’m doing the best I can to stay positive, but I have been fighting my tendency to worry. When I have the luxury of time for contemplation, these things and their solutions become clear very quickly, but sometimes during the work week, I do not have that luxury. At least I haven’t made the time. As a result, I suffer a certain amount before I am able to put things in perspective. Something that happened recently has helped me see the power of believing that nothing is ever truly lost and that the concept can apply on a bigger scale than just possessions.

A couple of weeks ago on my lunch hour, I stopped at a hair salon nearby my office and had my hair cut. I had never been there before, but passed it while I was taking a walk. While she was cutting my hair, the stylist pulled out one of my earrings with the comb. She handed it to me and I put it in my purse so I could put it on after I was finished. I forgot about it for a few days and ended up putting on a different pair, but later remembered and searched my purse for my earring. It was gone. I looked in every corner of my purse and could not find my earring. I wasn’t distraught because I let go of material possessions pretty easily, but I was disappointed.

A few more days passed and I thought about my earring again and felt myself wishing I could find it. Then I remembered Doreen Virtue’s affirmation: Nothing is ever lost in the mind of God.

This affirmation makes sense to me on so many levels. You don’t even have to have any one particular belief as to who or what God is for this to work.

This affirmation also makes sense to me because I have used it successfully before. I make the declaration, sit quietly for a few moments and then go to whatever location pops into my mind and find the thing I was looking for. It’s pretty exciting when that happens.

So I decided to use the declaration again. I told myself over and over Nothing is ever lost in the mind of God, but this time I didn’t wait for an answer or do anything else. Mainly because I was tired and not feeling well much of the week. The important part of making the declaration was that I believed it. My earring was not gone, it was somewhere, and I was summoning it back to me.

The day after I made the declaration, I went to work and found my earring sitting on my desk in front of my computer keyboard. Immediately I thought it must have fallen from my purse and been retrieved by the office cleaning crew.

That’s not what happened.

Later that morning I saw the operations manager for our office and commented on her hair. She asked me if I had found my earring. Nobody knew about my missing earring, so I was caught off guard by the question. She told me that when she was having her hair cut the night before, the stylist told her that someone from her office left an earring there. While chatting during my hair cut the week before, I mentioned where I was working for the summer. Turns out she has been cutting this manager’s hair for the past 10 years.

My earring found its way back to me serendipitously.  Was it due to the declaration? I believe it was. There was no progress in its return until I focused my intent on the belief that my earring was not lost.

Because I have so successfully used this declaration, this morning I was thinking that it must work on a grander scale.

As above, so below. As below, so above.

Earlier I was feeling quite a bit of angst about my life. I was feeling like a loser and looking around me seeing a crappy, meaningless life. And yet I know that thoughts and feelings are fleeting unless we cling to them. When I couldn’t shake the feeling, which had actually been with me since the previous day, I knew that I was fighting rather than accepting it. So I felt crappy…so what? Does it make any of the things I was thinking true? Only if I decide they are.

The way I got out of that place of low energy was to embrace it as part of the process I go through to get to the next level. Uncertainty and surprises make me uncomfortable. Some of this is due to my childhood being unpredictably violent. When I can’t immediately see how things are going to be okay, sometimes I start to think they will not be. I do not need to be angry or disappointed with myself when these thoughts happen, I just need to recognize it for what it is, let it go, and find the way back to a place that feels peaceful.

Nothing is ever lost in the mind of God. Not earrings, not jobs and certainly not love. So everything I can think of to worry about is only a source of worry for as long as I affirm its existence.

The world needs as many positive affirmations as we can think of right now. Darkness threatens to overwhelm us, but we do not have to give in to it. In God’s mind we are a perfect idea. It’s just that sometimes that knowledge is obscured by other thoughts, much the same way the blue sky can be obscured by clouds. It’s still there, we just can’t see it.

“The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places. But still there is much that is fair. And though in all lands, love is now mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps, the greater.” ~J.R.R. Tolkien (The Lord of the Rings)

Temptation

“What I think is that a good life is one hero journey after another. Over and over again, you are called to the realm of adventure, you are called to new horizons. Each time, there is the same problem: do I dare? And then, if you do dare, the dangers are there, and the help also, and the fulfillment or the fiasco. There’s always the possibility of a fiasco. But there’s also the possibility of bliss.” ~Joseph Campbell ♥

Today I found out that my short-term job has become even shorter term and will terminate at the end of this month, three weeks from today. It was unexpected, but I’m sorting through my feelings about it.

When I first learned this news and for a while after I got home tonight, I felt stressed and pretty awful. My mind immediately went into panic mode trying to think of all the things that need to happen right away. Find a new job, get dental and medical appointments done while we still have insurance and brace myself for tough times ahead.

Wait a minute…brace myself for tough times? Why? The only reason I would worry now about things that haven’t happened yet and may never happen is that I have made an assumption that there is definitely something to worry about. Somehow I decided that there are no jobs out there and that nobody will want to hire me anyway. Way to create the future with my thoughts.

It occurred to me this evening that it is just as easy to choose to feel happy and open and welcoming of whatever the universe has in store for me next. This most recent job was a great experience in which I met some very dear people. It allowed me to pay my expenses for the past couple of months and was fun and rewarding. Blessings all around. Why should the next experience be any different?

I fell into an ego trap today. I listened, however briefly, to that mean little voice inside that whispers: You are not good enough and you never will be. That oddly familiar angst, so tempting in its predictability. It’s easy to slip into feeling badly…if you’ve done enough of it. It’s intentionally deciding not to that takes effort.

Change is hard sometimes.

“Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” ~Proverb

Ya know?

It is my intention to be happy for the closing of one chapter of my life so that a new one may open. May all the magic and power of the universe come together to bring new blessings in the form of new people and experiences. My heart is open. I am ready. And I am grateful.

My choice is to joyously welcome all the good that is coming to me, not be angst ridden and fearful over the calamity I have conjured up in my mind. If I’m going to create things with my mind, why not create light, joyous, beautiful things? It’s my choice, it’s my mind, I am the one in control of this experience.

The world does not need more thoughts of lack and worry and uncertainty. By choosing to think happy thoughts, I am contributing to the good energy that is going to improve things for everyone. We all contribute every day. How often do we stop and consider where we’re putting our energy?

Time for another transition.

Those who embrace change free themselves from the bondage of the ego, which tries to convince us that the unknown is scary. Only if we declare it so.

Impermanence is a beautiful thing. Where would we be without it?

Spacious love

My two favorite topics: Spirituality and Romance. They are the things I think about most.

Lately I feel it necessary to ask myself a lot of questions about exactly what it is I am looking for in a relationship.

I’ve been alone for a couple of years now. The longest I have ever been without a partner. In the big picture, it’s not a great length of time, but there are days when it feels like eons since I have connected with a person on that level. I miss it, I admit it.

Relationships can be deeply spiritual in that they invite us to practice our most dearly held beliefs and discover the limits of our ability to forgive and love unconditionally. A part of me is ready to go there again, but I want to get caught up in something light and lovely, not something reckless and potentially destructive. Ya know?

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” ~Joan Crawford

I’ve had my metaphoric house burned down from love, I’m not interested in going there again. The next romantic situation I get into will be much easier because I have learned a lot about expectation and disappointment in the past couple of years. Having expectations of others is not fair to them. And it virtually ensures disappointment.

The term friends with benefits has always bugged me, but rationally speaking, that is what a healthy relationship is about. The person I have a romantic relationship with needs to be none other than my best friend in the universe. That is so much more important than the statistical details most people are looking for in a partner (height, weight, income, etc.).

I have wondered if what I’m looking for even exists. The great thing about living in Portland is, if it does exist, I will find it here. People here are open-minded, freely expressive and highly creative. It’s a magical place to live. I love it here. So, my wish is that I find him here. And that he have a cute beard.

Right now I would like to meet someone it feels good to be around and have someone to do things with. Someone to hold hands with and kiss and be silly with. I do not want to get married or even live with anyone just yet, I would like us each to have our own space and go there regularly and see other friends and spend time alone. But I would also like to have this person around some of the time to hang out , eat meals together and go to movies or the zoo, things like that. Someone to go to Powell’s Books with. And maybe spend the night with a few times a week. Is it possible to find such a relationship and for two people to be happy in it without needing to push it forward or involve other people? I’m not looking for something polyamorous, just something spacious.

One of my favorite books is True Love by Thich Nhat Hanh. In it he has a section about the loving gesture of giving people enough space. The concept is called upeksha, meaning equanimity or freedom. Here’s what he has to say about it:

“In true love you attain freedom. When you love you bring freedom to the person you love. If the opposite is true, it is not true love. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free, not only outside, but inside. ‘Dear one, do you have enough space in your heart and all around you?’ This is an intelligent question for testing out whether your love is something real.”

Some day I may want to live with someone or be married again, but I would like it to take a slower pace than my previous relationships. There’s no reason for hurry. Slowness allows more awareness and mindfulness. Friendships can really blossom over time.

I’m looking for that person it feels effortless to be around. The one I can breathe with–content to spend time together in total silence, just being near each other and understanding what that really means.

There is a little something in my heart these days that tells me not only is what I am looking for possible, I am very close to finding it. It’s a sensation that is hard to put my finger on, but there is definitely something in the air these days. It feels like something in this area is about to shift.

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

“It is the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.”

~Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)

I’m ready.

 

 

Peaceful, gentle, calm

It may be human nature in general, I’m not sure, but I have noticed that many people only stop complaining about the small things when there are bigger things to complain about. This applies to me as much as anyone, so the intention is not to criticize, it’s merely an observation.

Are we hardwired to worry? Is this the inescapable burden of suffering that we are given during this human experience?

A big part of my spiritual growth the past several years has been learning to stop sweating the small stuff and allowing myself to enjoy life. Some of it involves letting go of the negativity that I grew up with. Though they did their best and most likely did much better than their own parents, my parents taught their kids that the world is basically an unsafe place and that everyone is a potential threat so it is necessary to be on guard constantly. Because of the physical abuse that was also a part of my experience, I am guarded a lot of the time and try to stay at least a step ahead of whatever could go wrong. My biggest obstacles in life have been overcoming a general lack of trust and having to fight my nature to stay in the present moment so I can experience joy.

It’s not that I think I am particularly unique in these ways. In fact, the more I learn about life, the more I discover we are all here to learn the same lessons, it’s all a matter of degree. Some of us have big lessons to learn and some of us have small ones. But they are the same in that ultimately we are all here to learn how to love as unconditionally as possible and how to live in harmony.

I have been listening to a lecture by Pema Chodron in which she comments on a chapter of the book The Way of the Bodhisattva by Shantideva. It’s a book I have not read, but now feel that I must. Part of the chapter deals with developing bodhichitta, which though hard for me to describe fully, basically means having a sense of good will toward everything. This is such an important part of why I am on this planet and I wish to cultivate this quality in myself.

To the greatest degree possible, I wish to live the rest of my life doing as little harm as possible. That is not to say my intention has ever been to cause harm, it hasn’t, but until recent years I did not have a specific intention to do no harm.

The thing that most challenges me is keeping things in perspective, staying focused on the bigger picture, the grander scheme of things, while dealing with the minutiae of day-to-day reality. I believe I get better at it all the time, but it remains the most difficult thing I deal with. At least it gives me something to aspire to.

The bodhisattva vows to reincarnate until all souls are awakened. That is such a beautiful concept. To me it is the same as a savior who gives his life to pay for others’ sins.

I believe sins are merely mistakes we make when we don’t have the knowledge or ability to do any better.

Every time we choose to forgive, overlook a mistake, or treat someone with kindness and gentleness, we are saving each other. People are naturally hard on themselves. It comes from believing lies that have been around since the beginning of time. Nobody needs to have their flaws pointed out, but most people could use a little reassurance that they really are doing okay.

Those who find fault in others are looking outward for answers that can only be found within. Ultimately, we really are all looking for the same thing, love.

The great news is that we can help each other by developing the qualities of forgiveness, compassion, kindness and unconditional love.

I had to spend two years in near total solitude to figure some of this stuff out, but it has been the greatest gift I have ever received.

“Out of a shattered open heart springs a fountain of fiery sacred passion that will never run dry.” ~Rumi

Isn’t it ironic that the way to this place is through the dark valley of heartbreak?

We should all take a breather from worry and complaining about minutiae whenever possible. If we find more moments free of those things, the world will be a much more gentle place.  It’s a strong argument for meditation and prayer.

It is my wish that more people find ways to set aside worry and find the joy in even the most mundane moments because, when you think about it, each one is truly a miracle.