Today I am praying for God to protect the people of the east coast of the United States. I have friends there and I give thanks for their continued safety during the hurricane.
Melancholy pervades my existence these days. I feel very much alone and adrift. And I’m being what I wish was realistic with myself, but is probably more like harsh and judgmental.
My life looks nothing like I thought it would at this point and there are times when I cannot help but feel a profound sense of disappointment in myself. I have accomplished more than I ever dreamed of in some areas, but there are things that I thought would fall into place that haven’t and most of the major areas of my life have been affected.
All of this started about 5 years ago, but things really fell apart a couple of years ago. And while I feel like I have made important progress, it feels like there is still so much left to do to clean up the aftermath of the hurricane of events that blew through my life, leveling everything I had been building for years. Everything I thought was important was lost. My relationship with my family, my best friend, the job I loved, and any sense of financial security I may have had. All gone, all about the same time, early 2009.
Every once in a while I look at my life and can’t see the sense in it. Those are the moments it is most painful to be me. I have been experiencing many of those the past few days.
Much of what I have been going through this week likely results from being tired. I’ve been staying up way too late and going to work on very few hours of sleep. When I try to function in this way, every area of my life suffers, most notably my perspective.
When I look at my life, I am not at the top of my professional success. I do not believe it is impossible for me to be again, but I still have to figure out exactly what that means to me.
What has all the pain and struggle gotten me? A heart of pure compassionate gold. What some consider life’s greatest treasure. Sometimes it is hard to appreciate the gifts of the spirit when I am busy using them.
I may not have achieved perfect professional or financial success, but how much does that really define who I am or why I am here?
What do I have that I can share with people? Goodness. My heart.
I am one of those people who spends a good deal of time praying for other people. I pray constantly, all day every day. I use the majority of my time and energy blessing people and making divine requests on behalf of those in need of grace. I wish for all beings to have peace and wellness.
People who know me ask me to pray for them when they are facing challenges. Many of my friends have expressed a high level of confidence in the effectiveness of my thoughts and prayers. It seems as if I am regarded as one who is close to God. And in my truest and best moments I am. I have been close to God my entire life though I have understood the concept many different ways over the years. When I put together all of the ideas I have had about God in my entire life, it forms a beautiful mosaic of thought. The very few conclusions I have come to have produced a kind and gentle nature that I will never live to regret.
I have worked at this relationship and it has produced great things.
32 For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.34 “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. –Matthew 6:32-34 (New American Standard Bible)
If this passage from the Bible is true, all I have to do is stay focused on everything that is good, right, just and loving. Everything else will fall into place on its own. There are moments when I know this as surely as I know anything. Other times I have to remind myself, hence blog posts such as this one.
Wishing for angel protection for those in the path of the hurricane, literally or symbolically.