Who are you?

The online dating site that I have been using for a while causes me to wonder about human nature. Recently I was asked to be a moderator of the site, weighing in on questionable content. Oddly, the questionable profiles make more sense to me than some of the regular ones. I at least understand they are trying to sell something or scam someone.

So the thing that has me wondering about the people on the dating site, and all dating/social networking sites really, is how eager people are to define themselves. A lot of people on the dating site start their self-summary by saying This is hard, I don’t like writing about myself. To which I want to reply: Go with that thought. Why is it hard? Why do you hate writing about yourself? But I never do.

The thing is, most of the time on the dating site people say they hate to summarize themselves and then proceed to label and define themselves into a teeny, tiny box. In the process they manage to exclude all but a few people who can meet their impossibly narrow relationship criteria. And then they wonder why they can’t find the right woman. Duh. Maybe she doesn’t exist. What if the woman of their dreams is every single thing they are looking for, but happens to label and define herself in ways that don’t match the laundry list of requirements and deal breakers on their profile? Hmm… Futhermore, what if, out of lack of awareness, someone thinks they only like tall blondes who ride bikes, but the woman who could rock their world is a short brunette who drives a car? You can catch more fish with a net than with a pole. Just sayin’…

When I filled out my profile I also expressed a reluctance to define myself, but I explained that I do not like to label or define myself or others. I am not interested in limiting myself that way. And though I’m certainly not perfect at it, I try not to judge others and put them in boxes. Everyone is okay with me. I might not want to date everyone I meet, but that doesn’t mean I have no interest in them at all.

I guess I just get frustrated by all the limiting language I see on the dating profiles. If a person defines themselves as one thing, think of all the possibilities that are extinguished in the process of deciding exactly who and what they are. Plus, the more labels, definitions and limitations I see, the more I wonder how much that person really knows themselves to begin with. Life sometimes presents us with situations and circumstances that make it abundantly clear that everything we think we know for sure–about ourselves, others and the world around us–is false. Generally, I’m not impressed by what people think they know because thinking they know is as definite as it can ever truly be.

Through all of this frustration, I have read some really great profiles and seen that there are still some good-looking single men in Portland. That’s encouraging. Now if they could just get over themselves and drop a few rules, I might get to meet some of them.

Spiritual awakening kit

A 23-year-old from the online dating site asked me, after reading my profile, if I have any advice for him. He’s a young Buddhist and is interested in learning more about life. I told him the best advice I could give anyone is to be here now and to be in the present moment as much as possible because only from the present moment do we have the power to heal the past and create the future.

So now, I am wondering if I were to put together a spiritual survival kit of sorts, what would be in it? Here are some of the books, dvds and other items I would put together for someone starting down the path I have been on:

• The Bible
• A dvd of What the Bleep Do We Know, the extended quantum edition
• The Game of Life and How to Play it by Florence Scovel Shinn
• Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Nhat Hanh
• You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay
• A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson
• A Course in Miracles
• Angels 101 by Doreen Virtue
• The Secret by Rhonda Byrne
• The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
• Science of Mind by Ernest Holmes
• Tao te Ching
• Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl
• Siddhartha by Herman Hesse
• The Alchemist by Paulo Coehlo
• Crystals, specifically: clear quartz, rose quartz, amethyst, citrine, moonstone, and blue lace agate
• Beautiful music
• Candles
• Incense
• Paper and pen
• A sense of humor

There are a lot more books I could put on the list. In the past few years I have read so many that have impacted me. Whenever I find a book that speaks to me, it invariably leads me to others that do as well.

Even with its ups and downs, this has been an amazing journey I’ve been on the past several years. It makes me really look forward to whatever is next. It  just gets better and better.

It’s a privilege to share what I have learned with everyone.

 

Quality connections

When people follow me on Twitter, I usually follow them back. The only time I don’t is when it looks like it is a bot. Those are pretty easy to recognize because it’s usually a very sexy looking woman with zero tweets.

This post may very well be another installment in Cheryl’s Weird Way of Looking at the World, but there are some things about social networking that perplex me. Certain phenomena that I have noticed as I observe the world.

It would probably be good to give my ideas of what things like Twitter and Facebook are to me. Facebook seems like a place to connect with people you actually know in person, friends and family, while Twitter feels like a place to connect with new people of similar temperament.

Twitter seems more like hanging out in a coffee shop as opposed to the big family picnic that is Facebook. I have never met most of the people I follow on Twitter. And for me that means I am more free to be myself. These are people who have no preconceived notions about who I am or what I should be doing.

This Twitter/Facebook thing makes me think of this Bible verse: “A prophet is not without honor except in his hometown and among his own relatives and in his own household.” Mark 6:3-5  Jesus had been traveling and doing miracles and great things, but when he came to his hometown, he could do very few small miracles. The people of his town saw him as just that carpenter kid whose parents live down the road. They thought he was thinking pretty highly of himself and they became angry. He was doing something different than was expected of him.

People who think they know us do not like it when we act in ways they do not expect. When we have expectations of each other, life is an emotional roller coaster.

So in the Jesus analogy, Facebook is my hometown. The people there have definite ideas about me and I don’t impact them much because of it. Anything I say or do has to penetrate the wall of projected ideas and opinions…and that’s not always easy. So I find myself a little constrained on Facebook. That is not the case with Twitter or this blog.

When I am writing anywhere besides Facebook, I feel free to be myself. Judgmental family and friends put a damper on open communication. Not that I never judge, I clearly have opinions on where my family is coming from.

As I follow new people on Twitter, I get a lot of requests to also be friends on Facebook. Usually from people who are selling or promoting something. I get such an odd vibe from people who are constantly trying to drum up new contacts and increase their number of online friends. To me, it has an air of desperation about it. A definite Amway marketing feel. It’s off putting.

It doesn’t bother me in general that there are people on Twitter who are selling stuff. I can put up with that. There is a core group of people I follow who are absolutely precious to me. Their words and intentions help me stay positive. In a way, though I have never met most of them, they feel more like family than my flesh and bone relatives. These are kindred spirits, one of the great joys of life. A lot of these people are not selling anything and are just happy to connect with like minded others. They seem to be genuinely glad to share wisdom with others…free of charge.

A while ago I read a quote that said something to the effect that Twitter makes you love people you don’t even know and Facebook makes you hate your own family and friends. There is a curious truth to that. My experience is not that extreme, but I have seen the radiant beauty of total strangers on Twitter at the same time as witnessing arrogant and offensive behavior by Facebook friends I actually know in person.

This is partially why Facebook friend requests from strangers unnerve me a bit. It’s like inviting someone to join my obnoxious, opinionated, judgmental family.

The other reason is that the action of declaring a total stranger a friend, which in the grand scheme of things I support fully, redfines the word friend as I have understood it. I don’t like seeing this happen. I don’t like seeing online connections replace real human ones. Our worth as people is not determined by how many Facebook friends we have, or how many Twitter followers. The benefit is not in the numbers, it is in the quality of the connections that are made. While it seems possible that establishing a rapport with someone over Twitter could lead to a friendship that leads to a Facebook connection, asking too early is like being too eager on a first date.

A couple of years ago I met someone with whom I felt a very strong instant connection. Shortly after we met, after we’d seen each other a couple of times, I sent him a text message saying it seemed we had a lot in common and asking if he would like to be friends and hang out and talk sometimes. He responded saying that he appreciated the offer, but that he didn’t feel like he had room in his life for another friend at that time. It was one of the most honest, straightforward things anyone has ever said to me and I respected him for it. I understood right away where he was coming from. Relationships take time and energy if they are to be of high quality. That is just not possible with more than a few people at a time. It’s fine to have many acquaintances, but having 2 or 3 people who are close to be devoted to is about what most people can comfortably handle.

While I am fortunate to have people in my life who care that I care about, I have no close friends right now. Not the kind you see and talk to regularly. I’m connecting with a few people at work, but there is no way to know if those connections will last. I have tended to drift in and out of lives. I have short, intense relationships. The fact that I was married 18 years, notwithstanding. The actual relationship had deteriorated many years before I left.

The past couple of years has been the only time in my life I have been alone like this. It’s been the most eye opening thing I have ever experienced. Figuring out who I am without the influence of others. I better understand my strengths and weaknesses now and I do not need validation to be okay. I’m human, I still like validation, I just don’t need it to feel worthwhile anymore.

My hope is that the period of introspection will help improve the quality of all my connections going forward.

In the meanwhile I wish the multi-level marketing types would quit trying to get to me over Facebook. It’s not going to happen. There is a shallowness in the world of sales and marketing (and performers, actually) that does not interest me at all. A way of looking at people trying to find ways to use them for one’s own personal gain. For the rest of the time I have left in this body I wish to make real, deep connections with people who share the desire of making the world a better place by looking deeply at our fellow humans and seeing true beauty. I do not desire illusory connections in which there is no real interest in the other person. To me that seems like a living hell where one acquires relationships with no intention of maintaining them. Relationship clutter. It’s like people hoarders. I don’t want to exist at the back of someone’s metaphorical refrigerator, covered in mold or under a pile of old newspapers. Nobody does.

It feels like I will soon be able to manage a few friendships again. I finally know who I am. Or rather, I finally know who and what I am not, which makes it a lot easier to be genuine and removes the need for a façade.

Consider the freedom of not needing anyone for anything. It means you get to love people just because you do and for no other motive.

It’s time to celebrate real connection and stop settling for an illusion.

Infinite possibilites

My life lessons usually come to me through mindful, non-judgmental observations of myself and others. When I finally started paying attention I discovered that everyday life holds a gold mine of wisdom for those who seek it.

There is a guy at my job who rubs me the wrong way, so to speak. His energy is overpowering and dark. He is an unhappy man. My heart has compassion for him because although I do not know all of what he deals with, I sense that he is carrying heavy burdens in his heart. Some are really obvious. When you truly listen to people with active awareness you hear what they are really saying and sometimes you hear it in the things that are left unsaid.

I sense that this person is really disappointed with where he is in life. The job is not the type of thing most people would  aspire to. It’s a way to make a living…and that’s really all.

For me it’s a bit more than that. I have this opportunity to talk to the 50 or so people I talk to in a given day and with that opportunity comes the opportunity to treat people respectfully with awareness. The people I have talked to since I started this job have been overwhelmingly affirming and grateful for the help I give them. It’s been nice.

With every relationship we participate in, whether it is a 3-minute phone conversation or a 50-year friendship or marriage, we have the opportunity to bless and lift up our fellow humans. And when we are able to take a step back and look at the big picture, it’s apparent that blessing each other is how we are going to change the world for the better and facilitate the positive shift in consciousness that is currently underway.

Going back to the person from work, he seems to believe he’s fallen short of some ideal and comes across as the guy who settled for mediocrity, never gets the breaks, doesn’t get the girl, etc.

This got me thinking about how we are conditioned by our families in childhood to follow the example that is set for us. To do otherwise is to reject the tribe. It seems to me that in the best case scenario, a child is allowed to grow up and be whomever he/she is without being judged by parents as having betrayed the family.

My family has a dysfunctional pattern. There are silent directives about work, money, love and relationships. In my family, we are all called to be martyrs to the family ideals, ideals that are really messed up. One standard is to stay unhappily married for long, long periods of time, sacrificing health and happiness to the comfort of predictability and keeping up appearances. There are strong messages about what is an acceptable profession and amount of money to make and about [false] humility. What my family defines as humble is not humble at all. It’s amazingly arrogant. In every martyr/victim is a person who feels morally superior in some way. It’s a small reward for carrying such a heavy burden through life.

A couple of days ago a coworker remarked that it must be frustrating [for me] to have all that education and not be able to use it. At the time I agreed, but later I thought about it and wondered why I agreed with that. Yes, society expects me to feel badly that I have a law degree and I am making a modest living doing a job that barely requires a high school level education. I suppose I could feel upset about that if I wanted to. But there is another way of looking at it. For one, I use my education every day. My skills in reasoning and observation serve me well every day. It’s just that this employer is getting a bargain for my time. That’s okay. I’m helping people and making a positive difference in many people’s lives…5 minutes at a time. What more could I hope for?

I am finding my way through life on my terms. I may stumble and have hard times, but I am living this life, making my mistakes and learning from them. I’m paying attention. And I have decided there are certain patterns from childhood that are going to stop with me. I am challenging the things I have believed unconsciously most of my life. It’s uncomfortable and I don’t always like what I see, but the rewards are huge. I am watching myself become a more gentle compassionate person as I understand my role in the universal human drama.

Today I was thinking about how between liberation and true freedom lies a desolate place in the soul where we wander as the Jewish people did before reaching the promised land.

After you tear it down it takes a while to build it again, but the rebuilding begins immediately, which is great.

I’m sort of in that place, wandering, thinking, learning…alone. I almost want to think of the word alone as all one. Because really, that’s what’s going on, the steady realization that there is only one of us here. Every day I feel the connection grow stronger.

Bless all the people at my new job. Bless the people who call my phone. Bless everyone I pass walking to my office. Bless everyone I know. Bless everyone reading these words. Bless us all, everyone.

The world is full of possibilities and choices. We are never without choice, no matter how badly things appear to be going. If you’re still breathing, you still have the power of choice.

That is a glorious thought.

Things are looking up

I’m feeling pretty thankful tonight. Something has finally shifted in my romantic life. Not a huge shift, but there is movement and that is progress I haven’t felt in a while.

Just over 2 years ago my heart was broken by a person I had spent 3.5 years of my life with in the closest, most intimate relationship I had ever been in. I was left wondering and still wonder at times what happened. He has never explained and has never spoken to me again despite my attempts to find closure so I could move on with my life.

Before I even had a chance to get over that one I met someone I felt like I had spent many lifetimes with and though our relationship remained platonic, I found myself in love with this person. It’s been a year since I last saw him and he also left me with a lot of questions about what happened and why he disappeared so suddenly.

These two relationships destroyed my self-confidence and I have spent most of the last two years trying to feel okay again.

The shift started at the new job. There is a guy there who is nerdy and adorable and I like him. Doesn’t matter if anything ever comes of it, the fact that I have a little crush is huge for me. It just doesn’t happen that often. I don’t connect with people that easily, but I definitely feel an attraction to this cute guy at my job. This makes me so happy.

I don’t know if finding someone cute opened my mind to possibilities, but just today I was contacted by three cute guys over the online dating site. One of them is more than just cute, he’s gorgeous…14 years younger than me…and I don’t even care! Normally I would rule him out immediately because of his age, but when I saw his pictures my age cut off went straight out the window.

I feel so happy and grateful that this area of my life is moving again. I have felt stuck for so long and I started to worry that I was going to spend the rest of my life pining over my friend. I miss him, but now I know I can move on. I’m so relieved I can’t even adequately express it.

Life feels a little sparkly and magical right now. I plan to enjoy this fully.

Choose your weapon

A couple of days ago I was really feeling the weight of the life path I have chosen for myself. But I need to remember it is my choice and that is the reason it feels like work sometimes. Many people go through life on auto pilot and life sort of happens to them by default. That’s how it felt for me up until a few years ago. Deciding to show up for my own life requires me to build muscle in areas of my life where I was completely sedentary for many years. Now life presents challenges and I have to meet them using tools I previously didn’t even know existed.

Life does get easier in ways as I continue to practice my beliefs. It is largely due to the greatest reward of mindful awareness–the power of choice. The knowledge that I don’t have to just let life happen to me has been the most liberating piece of information I have ever received. That I am not at the mercy of a God who is separate from me and is keeping tally of my screw ups in order to punish me properly at the end of my life. Once those shackles came off, life got a lot easier for me.

The thing awareness does is allow one to choose how to respond in any situation. I appreciate being able to choose how I interact with people. I’ve been fortunate enough to experience what happens when I choose kindness in situations when I’ve had other options.

I have figured out there are two ways to lighten one’s burden in life–give away your garbage or give away your gifts and blessings. Giving away garbage seems to cause the generation of more garbage, but giving away blessings not only brings more blessings, it allows a person to transform the garbage…into even more blessings.

I like blessing people. Those are the times when I feel most alive and blessed myself.

When you are placed in a situation where you must choose how to respond, look inside yourself. What do you find there? There are many choices–ugliness or beauty, judgment or compassion, indifference or kindness. It does take a moment to sort through the options and make a decision sometimes, but what’s the hurry? We have all the time in the world.

Letting go of the wheel

How many times does one person have to learn the same lessons? Maybe letting go is one of those things you have to do all of your life. Personally, I’m getting tired of the struggle-realize I’m struggling-let go cycle I seem to repeat so often. Only there’s a step I left out. After I realize I am struggling, I usually have to struggle a bit more to let go. It’s not like I recognize that I am wanting something too much or wishing things were different than they are and then magically I feel better. No, instead I have to go through this whole process where I think Gah! I wish I could just let go! Why does everything have to be so hard? That’s what makes the whole thing suck so much.

For some reason today was one of those days where I felt it necessary to lament being single…again. Only that wasn’t enough all by itself, I decided that since I was already busy wishing things were different than they are, I might as well go ahead and feel badly about my entire life. That makes a ton of sense, doesn’t it? It’s like I’m walking along my path and notice Oh, a pit of despair. I think I’ll jump in.

On my drive home tonight I was sort of demanding of God to know what exactly is being asked of me. Am I being asked to not want anything ever? Or is it the way I am wanting it? Am I doing it wrong? Please, somebody tell me how to do it right and I will.

At times it feels like I may spend the rest of my life paying for mistakes I made out of ignorance and lack of awareness. The reason that’s hard is I am aware now and I really feel the pain of my life because I am not trying to suppress it anymore. I sort of wonder if the sadness will ever end.

I know things are going better than they were, I have a job and that is very helpful. Things could definitely be worse.

This seems to be coming, once again, from that place inside me where I feel different and in a sense separate from my fellow human beings. I’m not fundamentally different, but there are still a lot of unaware, unawakened people in the world and because I have found so few like-minded people, I feel like a fish out of water much of the time.

We humans are mirrors for each other and I feel like I am wandering the earth looking into the eyes of everyone I meet, hoping to see a spark of recognition and not finding it.

That is the key to love, the feeling of being seen, recognized as something precious and wonderful. It’s an amazing gift to give and to receive.

This is the thing I love about being in love. I truly believe that when we are in love is the only time we really see clearly. It doesn’t even have to be romantic love in this instance. It can be a general sense of delight in people. I actually experience this fairly frequently and I think it’s what keeps me going during this period of isolation I am experiencing.

Today during lunch I talked to a coworker. He seems like the type of person most people sort of discount and don’t pay a lot of attention to. And he knows it. And I’m pretty sure he longs to be seen by someone. The way I could tell this is I paid undivided attention to him–because I know how to do that–and this person lit up before my eyes. He was so pleased and happy to be listened to. And it was no trouble to me at all.

As long as I’m thinking about my whole life I might as well remember that all my life I have been that person for so many people. The one with enough patience to work with the mentally challenged or even the people who seem to wear others out quickly. I am able to stay engaged and really give the person a part of myself, the part that cares and understands. And I think the reason I am able to do that is because all my life, that is what I have been seeking. Someone who looks at me and sees nothing wrong and finds it very easy to listen to me.

Once again I am faced with the need to let go of wanting. I need to accept my life the way it is. Because it would be a shame to spend the rest of my life unhappy about something that isn’t going to change. Letting go of everything but hope is quite a challenge. But it’s the only way to have peace.

If you change your thinking and decide to live an authentic life, it’s likely you’ll find yourself alone in the darkest part of the forest for a while before you find new companions on the journey. It’s okay, it’s part of the challenge. When decisions are made with awareness, they come with the knowledge of how sweet it will be when you find someone who truly appreciates you.

I think I’m done crying for the night. I feel better.

I’m just going to let God take over, I need a rest.

Another online dating rant

I’ll try to keep this short. Can’t promise sweet, but I’ll do my best.

I have been using an online dating site again. It’s a free one and I reactivated my profile after taking a few months off.

There are very few on the site that I find attractive. I’ve read some great profiles and definitely found some people I could be friends with, but nobody has caught my eye in a romantic sense. Maybe I’m thinking it will be like the opera singer, I’ll look at a picture and see my future unfold in the person’s eyes. I’m pretty sure what happened there was a once in a lifetime kinda thing though. Nothing even close has happened to me before or since. At least not from a photo.

Browsing through the ads today I felt an annoyance that has been nagging at me for a few days. There are some really self-defeating profiles out there. I’m amazed at what I read sometimes. It makes me wonder if these people are even aware of themselves at all.

Now I’m just being snarky, but I have a little list of the things that turn me off most when I read them in an online personals profile (and my responses to them):

• “I have a child and they are: my everything, my entire world, my number one priority…” or any of the other descriptions that attempt to convince the reader this person is a GOOD dad. It’s ridiculous. We all feel that way about our kids. It goes without saying. And saying it just makes you sound like a dork. If someone wrote that their kids are amazing and fabulous and the coolest people they ever met, that I could respect. The other is trite. 
• Young at heart. Just say it, you’re old or you feel old or you feel like other people think you’re old. You don’t see young people claiming to be old-at-heart. Just sayin’…
• Friends, maybe more later or Possible marriage and children… Eeeww. Why do you think you need to dangle that carrot? And what kind of woman is desperate enough to think that’s charming? From my experience, the guys who say this are pretty poor marriage material, but think because they are male they are sought after. Yuck.
• Lists of obscure or esoteric books, authors or musicians. Does anything scream Please think I’m cool worse than this? It’s icky. Everybody likes good literature and music, it’s just that everyone has a different definition of good. Leave it alone. Again, this makes you sound like a dork.
• Bragging about having a sarcastic sense of humor. Why is this something to be proud of? Sarcasm is the most useless, mean spirited form of humor that is sorely lacking in creativity and depth. Make people laugh without resorting to character assassination and I’ll think you’re pretty awesome.
• Being non-responsive when someone communicates with you. Seriously, get over yourself. Why are you even on this site to begin with? Take it as a compliment for crying out loud.
• Saying you’re open to friends when you really aren’t. This also applies to the previous point. Some of these guys are suffering from Hotness Delusion Syndrome–check it out, it’s a real issue.
• Hipsters–most people know my opinion about this.
• Burners–There are no words…

This is really only an issue today because I’m in a grumpy mood. I’m being hard on myself for something I did and it’s ridiculous and I need to stop. When I’m mad at myself, the whole world suffers.

I’m just ready to meet someone nice and be excited to spend time with him. Even some new friends would be great, but I really want to just find someone beautiful and perfect and fall crazy in love.

I know he’s out there. And he’s looking for me too. And he’s wondering why people write such stupid things in their profiles and he’s wondering if there is anyone else on earth who gets it.

Thinking about stuff

Though I am getting better every day, sometimes it is so clear to me that I can be my own worst enemy. This is behavior I seek to be aware of so I can change it. It’s getting easier to see when I’m doing it at least. That’s helpful.

The thing to remember is that nothing outside of this moment really exists. Now is the only time that is ever real. Before we’ve had time to analyze a situation and declare it good or bad. The moment the information arrives. The past has our spin on what we remember and the future has our projections. The reason life goes the direction it is going is directly connected to the declarations we make about events of the past. That has been my experience anyway. The more aware I become, the easier it is to see the connection.

So it seems to me that being fully present in the moment as much as possible, relieving oneself of the burdens of the past gives us the power to influence the future. The less time we spend reliving the past, the faster we will achieve our dreams.

That is one of the reasons I have been laying down some of my burdens in this blog. It’s been therapeutic and I have seen a lot of positive change in my life as a result. As I move forward, I am trying to make a solid commitment to writing no matter what kind of mood I’m in. I need to stop worrying so much about alienating people. This is my story. There is no wrong way for me to tell it as long as I am kind and gentle about it. It’s taken me a lot of work to cultivate my current mindset. If there is one thing I can trust about myself, it’s my ability to communicate a message lovingly and with as little judgment as possible.

My goal is to continue to see when I am treating myself poorly and correct that when it happens. Even when I make a bad decision, the moment that decision is made, it’s in the past. Worrying and beating myself up for it is not helpful. Being in the now means working with the information I have at any given time without adding anything to it. If I look at things dispassionately as cause and effect, it should be easier to identify what’s not working and correct it. The only time the truth is hard to face is when we attach to the facts emotions which may or may not be relevant.

I am ready to be honest with myself about some things. Not sure how much of it will end up in this blog, but it’s time to put a few more things to rest. The past is over, none of that can hurt me anymore if I choose to look at it with mindful awareness and let it go. From here on out, if I am hurting, I need to look at myself and find out what kinds of lies I am telling myself that are making me feel badly about myself. Nothing can hurt me without my permission. I choose what hurts me and what doesn’t. If I made the rule I can break it. (Note: I’m not feeling hurt or anything right now, this is just a general insight and knowledge of the power of choice.)

I think it’s a good idea to ask oneself regularly What am I doing and why am I doing it?  Any behavior you want to get rid of will eventually give way to those two questions. I break habits all the time with this thinking. I have a tremendous amount of will power and I am a very determined person. As I grow in awareness I will increase my ability to influence my future in the direction I wish for it to unfold. The more I trust my gut the less work my brain has to do. I can trust my intuition to lead me correctly because I know where my heart is at. I don’t have to fret and fuss trying to figure things out. I know I am guided by a higher intelligence that, when welcomed, rains down blessings upon us all.

It is possible to stop being your own worst enemy. When you bring awareness to your life you take control of your destiny. It’s a process, but one that’s worth the effort.

Sometimes it seems like this entire experience on earth is between me and God and nobody else. And I suppose on some level that is true. It really does bring a sense of peace when I realize the only one I can ever need to apologize to is God and that is to say, my own higher nature. I’m the only one I really have to deal with in this lifetime. This is good news because I am a challenge. I take up a lot of my energy.

Learning how to make myself feel better about things is the greatest skill I have cultivated in the past few years. I spent so much of my life worried and anxious and now I am free. All it took was awareness and a willingness to see the bigger picture. Life is never as complicated as we try to make it. This is very comforting for me when I am sorting through the mind garbage and deciding what to throw out.

And I must remember, there are angels who love to help. Angels see us as we truly are and they love the beauty they find in us. I have definitely felt the presence of angels in my life, though I couldn’t prove their existence in a court of law. More and more they feel like my companions on this journey. The more easily I remember that, the more peace I have in my life.

All of this is unfolding as it should.

Blogging: Cheaper than therapy

This might be a female thing, but I realized this morning just how guilty I feel whenever I make a decision in favor of my own happiness. If I decide to do or not do something because I know it would make me feel better or even make things a little easier for me, I feel like I have done something wrong and need to redeem myself in some way.

Some of these habits of are the result of the abusive childhood I experienced. As I recognize these things I let them go, which is good. But there are so many things that are subtle and insidious playing in the background unnoticed until something triggers them strongly enough that they can be ignored no longer.

What is to be gained from behaving like a martyr? The perspective that leads to this syndrome is messed up. I believe it stems from having one’s needs ignored in favor of accommodating a selfish parent or parents. Kids living in volatile situations learn very early that their only real need is survival. Every severely dysfunctional family has its own dynamic and prevailing messages. The one I grew up in taught me: 1) Do not want anything for yourself; 2) Be afraid all the time; 3) Don’t rock the boat; and 4) Be ashamed, always. There were other messages, but those are some of the big ones. The biggest (and most damaging) was probably: You are not loved or lovable and never will be.

Interestingly, I do not feel badly when I write about this stuff. It used to hurt and I used to feel ashamed for even sharing it. Now it just seems like a fact of history, nothing I need to carry negative feelings about. Now it’s all about making connections and correcting thinking.

The reason I share this process is I know I am not alone. I write out of the gut feeling that I am not the only one who thinks the things I think. For one, it’s not possible for me to be the only one. We are all one, so whatever I am dealing with comes from the universal experience. I am drawing my experience from the collective. If my words turn a light on for anyone, then it’s worth it.

Every time I post a blog it makes me feel vulnerable and a little scared. But something in me tells me that it’s more important for me to write than to feel insulated from potential judgment. Especially when I consider that I know of nobody who can judge me more harshly than I have judged myself.

I am the only person in my family who has sought help reconciling the events of childhood with the reality of needing to function well in the world. That makes me sad. Something that makes me even sadder is that my own sister recently told me that what we went through wasn’t that bad. And yet one does not have to be a psychiatrist to look at the devastation that has manifested in the lives of every member of my family to see that suppressing it is not working. Twelve years ago one of my sisters died at a young age from cancer. I am certain she got sick from carrying the toxic waste that was our childhood inside her for too long. I don’t want to die young, so I am releasing the poison now while I am healthy.

Day by day I am learning to value and trust myself. I am a good person. I do not make decisions out of desire to hurt anyone. I have found the well-spring of love in my heart, so I can go forth in confidence knowing that my intentions, and therefore my actions, will produce only good.

Screw feeling guilty. It’s a trap of the ego meant to keep people afraid and unable to see their greatness.

This has been an interesting journey writing this blog. Being truthful publicly is amazingly healing. I truly believe that when a wounded person chooses to heal openly, someone will be helped by it. All it takes is one to make it worthwhile.

Giving thanks to God for the gifts of healing, love and forgiveness that have blessed my existence and enabled me to share the truest part of myself.