Yesterday a friend of mine reminded me of the night my spiritual awakening suddenly sped up about a year and a half ago. The night I almost gave up. It’s been a while since I have thought about it. That’s probably a good thing.
An amazing transformation happens when a person gets a taste of ultimate despair.
Having that experience changed me profoundly. I had been depressed and heartbroken before in life, but had never seriously considered giving up altogether until that night. And it was my birthday. That’s pretty sad to remember. Every single one of my illusions about everything shattered that night. Ultimately that is a good thing, but when it happens all at once, it’s a very frightening experience. By the end of that night, I didn’t have any beliefs anymore. There was not a single thing I could say I believed as a certainty. There still isn’t very much. I believe in love. And that’s really all.
I’m a better person now. I don’t think I’m special or fundamentally different from anyone. At the end of the day we’re all here for the same reason and all want the same things, to be happy, to avoid suffering and to give and receive love. That’s all there is and every action is born of one of those.
My existence is dedicated to the force many of us call God or the Universe or the Source. I use all of those terms and more. My life is my gift to my fellow humans and to God as a show of gratitude for all the blessings I have received. All that I have I offer to others. I don’t have many material possessions, but I do have a unique perspective and a modest talent for writing which allows me to share the things that have made a huge difference in my development. Those I offer freely to anyone who can benefit from them.
The night I wanted to give up was a night of ultimate awareness. My eyes were opened and I saw straight into the mysteries of the universe. Suddenly everything made sense. It was still really painful, but I understood. That’s why I seem generally positive to people. I’m just glad to be here, because I know there was a time I didn’t want to be and wasn’t sure if I would be. Everything after that is icing. As difficult as my life is for me at times, I am living it and I am right here, present and aware most of the time.
In times of suffering as well as times of joy, being in the present moment is the only time we are ever truly living our lives. Whenever our minds are in the past or the future we are missing out on life, it is passing us by. The great thing about staying present during the suffering is that any mistakes I make from here on out will never be made again in my life. Patterns of behavior are busted when we are paying attention and willing to change. To the extent that I am able to pay attention to my life, I never have to repeat mistakes or painful, habitual patterns anymore. The choice is mine, habits do not rule me. That alone is worth the effort it takes to be present in the now.
After so many years of being disconnected from my feelings out of shame for having them, really feeling things is glorious. It adds such depth to life.
As much as I feel like I unload in this blog, at a fundamental level, I am happy. There are blessings on their way that will bring even more joy into my life, but I’m still happy now, even with all the uncertainty and angst. Because I’m here, now, in the present moment where everything is always fine.