Talking to God

Ever since I stopped going to church a few years ago, I haven’t been all that sure how to pray.  It feels different now.  And I realize that I have never really known how to pray.  When I was a church goer, I was given a form to work with, so I knew the words to say, much like magic spells, but the words lacked feeling.  Now I have many feelings seeking expression, but I find myself without words most of the time.  I can never quite figure out what I need to say.  I think I have been seeking the magic word or words that will unlock all that the universe wants for me.  What ends up happening is that out of concern for doing it wrong, my prayers are vague and pretty weak, I’d say.

I’m trying to focus my attention better when I am talking to God.  No wonder I am in the situation I am in.  My connection to God is severely strained. I need to get back on track with the things that are sure to help me get through my challenges more easily.  Why are the positive habits the first to go when stress happens?

If I could find the words, what would I want to communicate to God?  Mostly that I am very thankful for the love in my life and the blessings I have received.  I’m still here and I still have hope.  I would admit my shortcomings and keep trying to do better.  I would give thanks for the strength to get through these trying circumstances.  I would report that I feel a little weak and vulnerable and tired and I would ask for the protection and assistance of angels. When there are angels around I don’t feel alone. It feels like I have help and it brings me peace. Aside from that, it is pretty much thy will be done.

I hope to become more organized with regard to prayer and meditation.  I’ve been lazy and I need to step it up.  There are so many wonderful people in my life whom I love, and I want to take some time and focus my intentions on them in a positive way.  In the darkest of times, there is always something to be grateful for.  Sometimes it takes a bit more work to see that, but it is true nonetheless.

I’m interested in learning some new ways to pray and connect with the Source.  I’d love to know what works for others.

I think it’s very beautiful that there are so many religions connecting with God in their own way.  I have respect for all religions that do no harm.  I hope to learn as many as I can in this lifetime.

Disconnected

I haven’t felt like writing much lately.  I’m not sure if it’s because of the cold I’m finally starting to get over or what, but I haven’t felt inspired to do much of anything that I would consider productive.  At least in the online sense.  I don’t have much to say on Twitter or Facebook and everything I have tried to write for this blog the past few days has ended up in the trash or the draft folder.  All I have been doing is looking for work and trying not to panic about the miracle it’s going to take to get out of this hole I find myself in.

I finally have a job interview coming up, which makes me very happy.  It’s not glamorous or even permanent, but it will get me out of the stressful situation I have been in for the past few months.  I’m very grateful that someone was able to look beyond how much education and experience I have and understand that I am willing to do any job, I just need money.  I’ve had a growing frustration with government recently.  Not on the large scale, but on the local scale.  Oregon still has one of the highest unemployment rates in the country and there are jobs available at every level of our government, but I am not getting interviews or even acknowledgments most of the time.  It seems to me that any person collecting unemployment who wishes not to be or is eligible for social services, but prefers to work, should be given priority for those jobs, but that’s not how it’s happening.

Things are going the right direction, but I still have to work at not worrying.  It’s really hard facing such uncertainty with kids depending on me.  I’m trying to handle all of this as gracefully as I can so they can see that it’s possible to remain calm regardless of what is going on.  It’s a lot of pressure.  I don’t want to let them down and I wish to be a good example.  In some ways I have been, but I am starting to recognize some of my weaknesses as a parent.  Still, I’m doing my best and I have a plan.  As things unfold it will become more clear, but I have a general idea of how things need to happen.  Right now I just need to raise money.  Too bad it’s illegal to sell a kidney…

I’m looking forward to getting past this financial roadblock I have been dealing with.  I’m also looking forward to having a job to go to and meeting new people.  I’ve been isolated for so long now and I really want to be social again.

Hopefully I will start feeling more connected again soon.  Feeling like an island is not that much fun.

It’s the little things

Sometimes the smallest things can bring great joy.  I am fortunate to have the ability to see beauty in the simplest things and to experience joy and tremendous gratitude at the smallest kindness.

There’s a flip side to everything though.  And as I sit here on my bed, unable to breathe through one side of my nose, I realize that just as the smallest things can bring great joy, very small things can bring amazing amounts of misery.  I’m only half serious–it makes me laugh because when the little things cause misery, it’s a sign that things are out of perspective.  And yet there is a certain satisfaction involved in whining like a big baby when I have a cold, and I do.

Part of what’s funny to me is that I have lived with rheumatoid arthritis, a chronic, painful condition, for 12 years and I almost never say anything about the pain.  I’ve grown used to it.  Pain is just a part of my daily life, no biggie.  But I’ve been two days with a runny nose and a scratchy throat and I’m about to have a tantrum.

What is it about a cold that creates such a (real or imagined) level of suffering?  For me, it’s about being a fussy, control freak, which I am.  I don’t like sneezing and blowing my nose.  It’s gross.  Not a huge fan of coughing either, especially when I can’t stop.

So, I’m sorta Scarlett O’Hara level drama about my cold.  It’s kind of fun to make a big deal out of not feeling great. It’s not going to last much longer, so may as well enjoy it as much as possible.

This morning I had one of those moments of joy triggered by something very simple.  I was waking my kids up and I was really happy to see them in their rooms sleeping peacefully, feeling safe and cared for here with me.  It was a great feeling.  Having them around is such a blessing.

I’m glad when I see beautiful things I can stop and be aware enough to experience them fully.  Makes life a lot more interesting.

I’m also glad I get to act like a drama queen when I have a cold.  It’s okay as long as I’m nice about it.  Maybe next time I have a cold I’ll have someone around who will want to take care of me.  That would be grand.

Choosing my religion

The past few days I have been talking to my kids a lot about religion.  I asked them what they would think if I adopted Judaism as my chosen religion.  They wanted to know why I would do that.  We haven’t really talked about it seriously because at this point it is only a thought that has come up a few times recently, but I gave them some answers that weren’t serious.  I feel like I need to correct that because I actually do take religion very seriously and the decision to declare a religion for myself is a big one for me.

What I eventually told my son last night, at the very least I want to know about Jewish mysticism.  As I explained to him, in my studies I have come to see that the mystics of each religious tradition are the ones who are all saying the same thing.  It is at the consciousness level of the mystic that we will all understand unity some day.  The mystics are the amazing ones who see, hear and speak of all-pervasive beauty and love.

Why then would I think about joining a religious group?  There was a time when I thought I would never belong to another religious congregation.  And it’s not that I seek to adopt a belief system to the exclusion of all other belief systems.  It’s just that I need some structure in my life.  And going to religious service has always felt really good to me.  It is very soothing.  I feel very supported as a member of a congregation of religious people most of the time. I am very much a fan of ritual and tradition also.  It is very comforting.

Knowing nearly nothing about Jewish beliefs, my reasons for considering this religion have more to do with the Jewish people than they do any particular belief about the things that distinguish Jews from Christians or Muslims.

My entire life I have had a very high regard for Jewish people.  But I have known very few of them personally, so I don’t know if my regard is based on stereotypes, but it feels genuine. I’m a history nerd to begin with, but I am drawn to Jewish history and there are a couple of things I strongly identify with.

The Jewish people are a resilient people.  My ethic background is Native American, so I feel like I also have it in my DNA to understand persecution, endurance and survival.  I know it on a personal level as well because I’ve had to be a strong, resilient person to get this far in life.  I have endured as gracefully and peacefully as I have been able.  That’s the best anyone can do and I feel good about it. Overall I have made good of my experiences.

The other thing that interests me is that the Jewish people are intelligent, thinking people and seem to be able to question many things.  I respect that.  I am an analytical thinker and I like to apply logic to things.  It’s fun for me.  I read a lot and I ask a lot of questions.  I like that I am that way and I would love to be a part of a group of scholarly people who are also that way.

Finally, I am looking for a group of people who take some really important things very seriously, but don’t take most of life or themselves very seriously at all.  I am very serious about my purpose in life and I will not be distracted from it, but I still have a sense of humor about that and everything else in life.  I’ve seen too much to worry about minutiae.  Life is way more comedy than tragedy in the long run.  People who have experienced misfortune understand this on a level the average white American does not.  It’s hard to worry about little things after you’ve worried about big things.  Big things put the little things into perspective.

Overcoming adversity brings great gifts of insight into one’s life.  It makes life a lot easier to live in many ways.  You lose things like expectation and judgment and gain things like acceptance and open-mindedness.

I’m not sure where I am headed spiritually or with regard to religious affiliation, all I can do is keep my mind and heart open, read the things I am led to read and make the decision that feels right when the time comes, if ever.

I do know that wherever I end up, I will be reading the words of the mystics, from all traditions, for the rest of my life.

Angel protection

Once in a while I write about my belief in and interaction with angels.  I’m trying to become more comfortable with sharing my experiences because I doubt anyone who would have any interest in reading this blog is going to think poorly of me because of my view on angels.

Earlier this evening I did a full moon meditation guided by Doreen Virtue, a spiritual teacher who only came into my life about a year ago, but has had a huge impact in that short time.  During the meditation she asked several angels to be present.  The meditation was around letting go of that which no longer serves.  Seems like I’ve been doing a lot of that in recent years and yet always have something to let go of.

I felt the presence of the angels as I was doing the meditation.  It was very comforting and helped me to lay down some of the burdens that have been on my mind and heart lately.  As I have been reporting in this blog, I’m not unhappy these days, but I have still felt burdened by uncertainty and stress.

I’m pretty new to angel experiences, so I don’t know yet how to understand and interpret what’s been happening, but there is something that I have noticed as a pattern that I find very interesting that lends a sense of credibility to what I have experienced.

Whenever I have any experience in which I call on the archangel Michael, something amazing happens.  When I ask this wonderful angel for his protection, I feel surrounded by an energy and can sense what feels like wings enfolding me.  It’s so hard for me to explain this to anyone, not only because it is a new experience for me, but I know that everyone experiences things differently so what I am reporting may not make any sense to anyone else.  Oh how I wish to meet more people who understand these things!

The other thing that happens when I feel the presence of this angel is that I start crying uncontrollably.  It is an interesting sensation because it’s not a bad thing.  Even though there is a sadness there, it’s accompanied by a sense of release.  It feels like I finally have the strong shoulder to cry on that I have needed my entire life.  I’ve never really had any person in my life I felt I could lean on or felt comfortable expressing myself emotionally with.  And what these experiences with the angel have felt like is finally being able to let go of all of the stuff from the past with someone who understands and cares and wants to protect me.

My life is changing.  I am leaving behind the person I used to be, the one who so strongly identified with the past and all the things that happened that shouldn’t have happened as well as the things that didn’t happen that I thought should have.

This blog has a lot to do with this transformation.  The things I have shared here I have only recently told to anyone at all.  I spent so much of my life trying to hide the truth because I felt ashamed of the things that happened to me.  It’s only been in the past year that I have openly shared with people some of the details of the abuse that was a part of my early life.  As a result of writing this stuff, I feel like I am finally letting it go and finally able to move on without the baggage.  It’s over and none of it matters anymore.

I feel like I am going to be a much stronger advocate for people who need a protector than I ever have been before.  I have always felt empathy, but I have never been able to share enough of myself to show someone that no matter what happens to us in life, it can be okay.  We can choose to make it okay and by so choosing it is possible to neutralize the damage from those past experiences.

As archangel Michael protects me and provides me with a safe shoulder to cry on, I seek to be that for others.  And though I am not always confident in all areas, I do know this, I am a loyal friend and ally.  Anyone who has ever met me knows that I am strong and confident in my convictions and determination to help and do good.  And I shall.

May angels surround you, protect you, and make you feel as loved as you truly are.

Right now…like the Van Halen song

Seems like it might never stop raining in Portland.  The news said we are 258% above average rainfall for this month.  That’s a lot, even for Oregon.  I’m so ready for some sunshine.  I think it would help my mood immensely.  I’m not in a bad mood, just a blah one.  Rain does that to me after a while because it just slows everything down in a weird way.

I feel pretty hopeful today.  I picked up a book by Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now, and started reading it again.  I remember liking it the first time around.  I also really enjoyed A New Earth, another very insightful book of his.

Reading The Power of Now helped me find my bearings a bit today.  Sometimes when I read something that really makes sense to me by someone whose logic I respect, it makes me feel better, like I’m heading in the right direction, like I’m thinking the right kinds of thoughts about the right kinds of things most of the time.

This book really stresses being in the present moment, possibly more than any book I have read.  And it does so in a wonderfully firm, no-nonsense way.  I have read many books by Thich Nhat Hanh where he makes the same points just as effectively, but in a very different, softer way.  So beautiful, but so different from Eckhart Tolle.

I am grateful for the ability to be aware most of the time.  I’ve been working at it for 6 years, but it’s been worth it.  To be present and aware is to be able to experience joy at any moment, just by choosing it.  When you exist unconsciously, living in the past or the future, you lose the true power of choice.  In my opinion, it’s not really possible to affect positive change in life without paying attention.  Things happen by default which can keep a person in a fairly constant state of reaction.  That’s why things seem so random sometimes.  But really, nothing ever happens for no reason.

Being in the now is the safest, most peaceful place a person can be.  The past is just the memory of now moments that we’ve already lived through successfully to get to this one.  And if we can fully embrace and appreciate the moment we are in right now, it will give birth to another glorious and perfect now.  We just have to let it happen without resisting.

Eckhart Tolle says if you find yourself struggling against your present life circumstances, you should either remove yourself from it, change it if you can, or learn to accept it for what it is.  Doing one of those things will put an end to suffering and produce peace.  This is the truth as I have experienced it.  As I have learned to accept things how they are, my life has gotten easier in ways.  At least I don’t punish myself constantly with worry anymore.  I know that worry never helps anything, so I find something else to do.  And whatever I find to do is always way more fun than worrying.  Go figure.

Recently life has begun to feel like an adventure I am on with the angels.  I know they will help me take care of things and when I can’t see the how of it, I just smile and wonder what beautiful miracle is on its way to me at this very moment.

I’m pretty sure I’m still going to have moments of doubt and suffering, but I know I possess the tools to move out of that pretty quickly.

So, I think the angels and my kids and I will see what we can make out of these now moments.  I think it’s going to be good.

“Right now, hey it’s your tomorrow. Right now, C’mon, it’s everything.” ~Van Halen

Meaning amidst chaos

I haven’t been writing much lately.  It’s always curious to me that the more I have on my mind, the less able I am to write.  It’s almost like the opposite of writer’s block.  Sometimes I have so many thoughts in my mind I can’t hold on to one long enough to write about it.

And then there is my hesitation around sharing things that sound negative, even though I know they are not.  Even when I reflect on things that are sad or unfortunate, I do so with a heart full of hope.  I am always looking for the good and I find it in places that don’t always make sense to others.

Recently I read Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.  It was one of the best decisions I have made in a while.  It made me feel less alone and less weird for my determination to see the beauty of this human experience regardless of what is going on around me.  I’d like to share one of the many passages that had me sobbing from it’s simple eloquence.  While trudging through ice and snow, starving, trying not to fall, Frankl, thinking of his wife, has this incredible insight:

“A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers.  The truth–that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire.  Then I grasped the meaning  of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart.  The salvation of man is through love and in love.  I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world may still know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved.  In a position of utter desolation, when man cannot express himself in positive action, when his only achievement may consist in enduring his sufferings in the right way–an honorable way–in such a position man can, through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved, achieve fulfillment.  For the first time in my life I was able to understand the meaning of the words, The angels are lost in perpetual contemplation of an infinite glory.”

One of the things I love about this book is that Frankl seems to understand that human suffering is relative.  He doesn’t declare that what he went through was worse than someone who suffers in some other way, although most of us know that we haven’t experienced anything close to what the holocaust victims endured.  I find it fascinating that no matter what circumstances we find ourselves in, our degree of suffering is largely self-determined.  It’s possible to be in more despair over something superficial and arguably unimportant than something life threatening; it’s all about perspective.

So I was thinking about love and how it helps us to endure just about anything.  If it weren’t for my kids I don’t know how I would have made it through some of my recent darker moments.

In ways that most people take for granted, real love has eluded me my entire life.  When I was growing up there were two things that never happened at all in my recollection that most people just assume are a normal part of growing up.  Neither one of my parents ever said the words I love you to me or my siblings and we were never hugged, ever.  In fact, my parents thought that saying those words made a person weak and ridiculous.  The only physical contact I can remember was being hit, kicked, slapped, beaten or otherwise touched inappropriately.  Verbally, we were either criticized or accused.  Aside from that we were ignored.  I have to admit, one advantage to being the youngest child in that family was I was ignored more than my siblings.  I wasn’t of any real use to anyone, so I was just left alone most of the time.

What’s the point of sharing this?  Not really sure other than I know writing about these things recently has been therapeutic for me.  However, one of the things I want to share is how even though the circumstances of my childhood were bleak and truly difficult for me, I was a happy kid.  I sorta had to be.  The family relied on me to be the tension breaker, the cute one who acted silly and made everyone laugh.  To this day I find it very difficult to be near a situation of conflict between two people without trying to make it better.  I think that’s why I focused on mediation in law school.  It’s probably also why I worked as an ombudsman early in my career, before law.

So parental love was not part of my experience growing up.  As much as I have been able, through counseling and tons of introspection, I have dealt with it and tried to make the best of all of it.  What I went through as a kid created the compassionate and empathetic heart I have today.  And truthfully, those are the things I like best about myself.  I am capable of great depths of kindness and compassion because of the things I have experienced in my life.  It is very difficult for me to see someone suffering.  I would rather suffer myself than see another creature in pain, whether physically or emotionally.

I think this bumpy start I got in life spilled over into the area of romantic love and made things bumpy there as well.  I’m alone and I would prefer not to be, but find myself no longer willing to compromise and accept a person who criticizes me constantly, cheats on me, lies to me and takes advantage of me.  I’ve had way too much of that in my long-term relationships.  I’m not sure what it will take for me to find someone to fall in love with, but I just know he’s out there and he’s looking for someone exactly like me.

I have one thing going for me in this romantic love issue–the way people are magnetically drawn to me.  And as I become the more healthy me, I am going to attract other healthy people.

There have been some big changes in my perspective the past few years, but I have never been more confident about why I am here and what my purpose is on this earth.  I am here to show love, compassion and forgiveness to everyone and let go of all negativity and hard feelings that have been a part of any relationship I have had.  I am choosing to look at every person as a teacher who carries a lesson that I will learn through my interactions with them.

Most of my life I felt like when I die my tombstone should read: I’m Sorry.  You name it, I’m sorry for it.  Because I have spent a good deal of my life sort of apologizing to the entire world just for being here.  I think I have apologized enough.  I’ve done the penance, I get to be happy now because I know myself and I know that I am a good person wanting only to do good in the world.  Mistakes are made, lessons are learned.  I am not my mistakes and I am done judging and punishing myself for the events of my life.  I know how sad my life story sounds, but I believe I have been called to bear that burden as graciously as possible and not to let the experiences go to waste.  If anyone at all can be helped by the telling of my story, even me, then it needs to be told.

All I ever wanted as a kid was for someone to be gentle with me, care about me unconditionally and let me know I was okay.  That didn’t happen.  But I have now figured out that it’s okay because I can have those things for myself by being that for others. There is such beauty and hope in that thought.

These are some of the lessons I have learned, painfully, in the past couple of years.  My search for meaning…and finding it.

Be Here Now

Yesterday a friend of mine reminded me of the night my spiritual awakening suddenly sped up about a year and a half ago.  The night I almost gave up.  It’s been a while since I have thought about it.  That’s probably a good thing.

An amazing transformation happens when a person gets a taste of ultimate despair.

Having that experience changed me profoundly.  I had been depressed and heartbroken before in life, but had never seriously considered giving up altogether until that night.  And it was my birthday.  That’s pretty sad to remember.  Every single one of my illusions about everything shattered that night.  Ultimately that is a good thing, but when it happens all at once, it’s a very frightening experience.  By the end of that night, I didn’t have any beliefs anymore.  There was not a single thing I could say I believed as a certainty.  There still isn’t very much.  I believe in love.  And that’s really all.

I’m a better person now.  I don’t think I’m special or fundamentally different from anyone.  At the end of the day we’re all here for the same reason and all want the same things, to be happy, to avoid suffering and to give and receive love.  That’s all there is and every action is born of one of those.

My existence is dedicated to the force many of us call God or the Universe or the Source.  I use all of those terms and more.  My life is my gift to my fellow humans and to God as a show of gratitude for all the blessings I have received.  All that I have I offer to others.  I don’t have many material possessions, but I do have a unique perspective and a modest talent for writing which allows me to share the things that have made a huge difference in my development.  Those I offer freely to anyone who can benefit from them.

The night I wanted to give up was a night of ultimate awareness.  My eyes were opened and I saw straight into the mysteries of the universe.  Suddenly everything made sense.  It was still really painful, but I understood.  That’s why I seem generally positive to people.  I’m just glad to be here, because I know there was a time I didn’t want to be and wasn’t sure if I would be.  Everything after that is icing.  As difficult as my life is for me at times, I am living it and I am right here, present and aware most of the time.

In times of suffering as well as times of joy, being in the present moment is the only time we are ever truly living our lives.  Whenever our minds are in the past or the future we are missing out on life, it is passing us by.  The great thing about staying present during the suffering is that any mistakes I make from here on out will never be made again in my life.  Patterns of behavior are busted when we are paying attention and willing to change.  To the extent that I am able to pay attention to my life, I never have to repeat mistakes or painful, habitual patterns anymore.  The choice is mine, habits do not rule me.  That alone is worth the effort it takes to be present in the now.

After so many years of being disconnected from my feelings out of shame for having them, really feeling things is glorious.  It adds such depth to life.

As much as I feel like I unload in this blog, at a fundamental level, I am happy.  There are blessings on their way that will bring even more joy into my life, but I’m still happy now, even with all the uncertainty and angst.  Because I’m here, now, in the present moment where everything is always fine.

Day of grace and miracles

I woke up feeling hopeful this morning. Nothing visible has changed in my world, but I feel blessed.  This is how life is supposed to feel regardless of one’s circumstances.

It’s a beautiful, sunny day.  Portland hasn’t had very many of those recently.  The past 6 weeks have seen record setting rainfall.

I started this post earlier; it is now the end of the day and all I can say is that the hopeful feeling that started my day was a sign of good things.

Yesterday I was on Craigslist because I was considering selling some bar exam preparation materials to make some money.  I saw an ad posted by someone needing to purchase Oregon specific bar exam materials.  I wrote to him inquiring what he needed, intending to sell anything I had that he could use.  He wrote back about the very few things he needed, explaining some things about his prior bar exam experience and his law school experience.  I felt a great deal of compassion for this person, probably due to my own struggles with bar exams.  I wrote back to him and offered him everything I have that covers the essay part of the Oregon bar exam, including my own personal notes and outlines and some things I have that are not available publicly and I told him I would like to give him the books for free because the good karma was more valuable to me than money right now.

After I did this I felt this incredible sense of joy.  And it was in that instant that I knew what has really been bothering me about this period of unemployment and financial struggle.  Though I do not enjoy struggling to pay my basic expenses, my sadness has been less about having money and things for myself than it has been feeling that I haven’t been helping others.  Focusing so much energy on meeting the needs of my own household left me feeling like I wasn’t contributing enough.  Offering something from my heart without expecting anything in return hit some sort of reset button for me. This is the first time in a long time that I have felt so much of this particular kind of joy.

I was born to give and help.  It’s what makes me truly happy and fulfilled.  And when I feel like I am not giving or helping, I feel a deep sadness. Offering a gift to a stranger was the best gift I have given myself recently.

It turns out that the person I was dealing with over Craigslist was not a destitute law graduate studying for the bar exam, he is a clerk for a federal district court judge who now thinks I am a very kind person.  Definitely not a bad person to help, though I would have done it for anyone.

This is where the story gets good.  Immediately upon doing this good deed, money started coming from all directions.  Not tons of it, certainly not enough to substantially change my situation, but nonetheless, there had been nothing coming in for a while and suddenly I won some money on a scratch off lottery ticket, had an unanticipated credit to my bank account, received some money in the mail and made some additional money I wasn’t expecting.  Then, I took my lottery ticket to the store, used part of the money to buy a few more tickets and scratched off two more winners.

I was reminded today of this New Testament parable shared by Jesus:

⁴¹And He sat down opposite the treasury, and began observing how the people were putting money into the treasury; and many rich people were putting in large sums. ⁴²A poor widow came and put in two small copper coins, which amount to a cent. ⁴³Calling His disciples to Him, He said to them, “Truly I say to you, this poor widow put in more than all the contributors to the treasury; ⁴⁴for they all put in out of their surplus, but she, out of her poverty, put in all she owned, all she had to live on.”  Mark 12:41-44

I didn’t think of this passage because I felt that what I did was such a grand gesture, it was that I did what I could to help a person  in need by offering to give away one of the only things I could have sold to make extra money.  And I felt that the deed was blessed by God and I was rewarded by receiving more money, seemingly out of nowhere, than I would have made by selling the books.  On top of all of that, the person I offered the books to insisted on paying me for them.

My expenses for this month are now taken care of.  It is nothing short of a miracle.  I welcome this miracle, bless its Source and give thanks for it and the miracles yet to come.

 

Resilience

It’s amazing how much mental health improves after going for a walk.  It seems like a cruel irony that people suffering from depression often can’t find the motivation to do the very things that will help.

I know I said I was going to make this blog more positive and I promise I’m doing my best, but some days it’s an uphill battle to keep thinking positively in the face of things going wrong for such a long time.  And honestly, I feel like it should be okay for people to express realistically what is going on in their lives so they can acknowledge it and move on.  We can’t fix what we don’t acknowledge and that is a lot of the reason I have been so up front about my situation.

I want to clarify what I’m talking about because there are a couple of dynamics going on that keep me pretty unsure whether I should share my struggles publicly.

First, there is the shame that comes along with being in the situation I am in.  It’s the kind of thing that can keep people using credit cards after they have accumulated more debt than they can possibly pay back.  It can also make people present a false image of success.  Many people do not truly own most of what they are presenting as the symbols of their success, meaning cars, clothes, jewelry, houses, etc.  So, what we tend to idolize in American society is a false illusion.

Second, there is the tendency for people to complain bitterly about insignificant things.  Our culture collectively whines when we don’t have a fast enough computer or the latest phone or some other small thing is not going our way.  So, even our propensity to complain is illusory because people incessantly gripe about things that are not real problems.  Thus, when people have actual problems, sometimes it cannot be distinguished from the general clamor of dissatisfaction that seems to permeate our existence.

Neither one of these is what I am referring to when I write about being realistic because neither one of the above scenarios is acknowledging and taking responsibility for the reality of one’s circumstances, in my opinion.

The biggest part of what’s bothering me right now is that I feel like I have legitimate concerns over things like having enough money to live and how to take care of the basics of life for me and my kids, but at the same time I feel like I should not give power to those thoughts.  I also worry that by identifying them as concerns I may be solidifying something I do not want in my life.

Recently I found a self-help book that encourages looking at things realistically.  The book is It’s Not the End of the World: Developing Resilience in Times of Change by Joan Borysenko.  I have to say, for the first time in a while I didn’t feel guilty while reading a self-help book.

The author identifies the three main characteristics of resilient people.  And thankfully, I feel like I possess all of them.  So there is hope for me yet.  The first of the three characteristics was realistic optimism.  Apparently in studies, people who were realistically optimistic were shown to be more resilient than pessimists or positive/wishful thinkers.  This was really good news for me, seriously.

The reason this made me happy is that a certain amount of dwelling on my circumstances seems to help motivate me to make changes.  It’s a fine line, but I try to stay on this side of despair.  I can’t say what I go through is comfortable, but it beats looking for people and things to blame.

I’m just ready for some stability.  I need a buffer between me and the harshness of the world.  I have an understanding of how hard it is for most people to get by these days, but ultimately, I do not think the world is better served by me remaining in poverty.  The amount of energy I spend worrying about how to meet immediate and basic needs could be much better spent helping others get out of tough circumstances.  That’s why I feel so frustrated sometimes.

My entire career has been about service and helping people.  And in those situations where that wasn’t the main focus of my job, I made it the focus.  I have brought heart to every job I have ever had, by caring and being determined to do the right thing in all circumstances.  Hopefully, my willingness to do any job will bring something soon.  At this point, I really don’t care what I do as long as I can earn enough money to live.  Once I reach that goal then I will worry about the next career move.

Something has to give.  It’s time.  I have applied for many, many jobs of all different types.  Someone has to want to hire me

If you’re listening God, I’m ready.  Just sayin’…

I started this post yesterday and since then have entertained the idea of putting a donate button on this blog.  It feels a little weird, but at what point does a person let go of pride and do things they wouldn’t normally do, just to survive?  If I do decide to add a donate button to my blog, I will take it down as soon as I have a job and get back on my feet.  As much as I need help right now, I know there are a lot of other people in need as well and I’d like to spend more time thinking of them and less time worrying about my own stuff.  To be fair to myself, I currently spend time each day thinking about and sending blessings to the rest of the world.

I’m sure it will all be fine eventually.  The sooner, the better.