Envy, gratitude and angels

A couple of days ago I was driving in my neighborhood, admiring some of the lovely older homes nearby when I began to wonder if envy is normal and if so, when does it become a problem that is detrimental to the person who envies?

Of course I’d rather be grateful in all things.  I  try to see the positive and have something to give thanks for regardless of what is going on around me, but I’m so hard on myself that I don’t even really give myself enough leeway to have a moment’s worth of what may be harmless envy, if such a thing exists.

As I was looking at the nice houses, I felt a sense of longing to have the things these homes represent to me–safety, security and stability.  And I began to wonder if it is possible to have a grateful heart at the same time as disliking the feeling of instability that currently permeates my existence.  The reason I limit instability to a feeling or perception is that is truly all it can ever be.  There is no such thing as stability in reality.  Everything we can perceive with our senses is inherently unstable.  There are no guarantees in life.

Consider the people in Japan.  On the heels of one of the worst natural disasters in history, these people are facing incredible instability, not only in the need to clean up the devastation, but having a volatile nuclear situation unfolding as they try to recover the bodies of their dead and find those who are missing.  The relative instability of my situation is nothing compared to that.

My real point about Japan is that the earthquake and tsunami destroyed everything in its path, it didn’t pick just the poor people or the ones who failed to think positively for a few minutes.  There were many people who were living successful, seemingly enviable lives who lost everything, including their lives in some cases, in the blink of an eye.

So back to envy.  I know that there is toxic envy in which one wishes to have the possessions of another or wishes that person did not have what they have.  That’s not really how I feel, which is why I started wondering.  When I feel what I was thinking was envy, it’s more like a wishing to know how it feels to work hard and have something to show for it and have even a little certainty that things are going to be okay on a continuing basis, barring, of course, natural disasters and the like.

When good things happen to people, I usually feel happy for them.  I don’t feel especially jealous and I don’t wish it was me instead of them, but it doesn’t really stop me from wishing it was me along with them.  And I wonder if  that is impeding my success in life.

Does the universe want me to be truly happy that I don’t have enough money to meet basic living expenses?  Because I really am trying to see it that way if I’m supposed to.  When I get to feeling sorry for myself, I try to switch my thoughts to things like how nice it is to get to spend this time with my kids and how if I was working I wouldn’t see them as much.  I know there are positives to every perceived negative, but I’m having a bit of trouble finding that place of true gratitude sometimes.  And honestly, that makes me feel like crap about myself and like I’m an ungrateful jerk who doesn’t deserve anything good because I can’t appreciate what I have.

Told you I was hard on myself.

Last night I had a bit of an emotional meltdown about all of this while I was upstairs alone in my room.  I do not like to share my insecurities with my kids.  They don’t need to be worried just because I have been.

During this emotional episode I was praying as earnestly as I know how and telling God that I want to be strong and confident, but I am scared and I feel very alone and I don’t feel like I can do this on my own.  I asked for guidance and for help from the angels.

There were actually two of these conversations with God yesterday, one in the afternoon and the other at bedtime.  Both times I felt the presence of archangel Michael.  It’s hard to explain for a couple of reasons.  One is I do not know what others’ experiences with angels have been so I don’t know how to explain it in a way that doesn’t make me sound crazy by what I perceive to be societal norms.  Second, it has only been recently, the past couple of years, that I have had any understanding of the angels at all.  I now realize that they have been with me my whole life.  There is no way any little person could have made it through what I lived through without them.

So, last night when I was experiencing such painful doubt and fear, I felt the angel surrounding me, protecting me with his wings.  Suddenly, I started to cry uncontrollably.

I know in this blog I have mentioned a lot of the tears I have cried recently, but the truth is, I don’t cry very much.  I used to be the kind of person who almost never cried and I can remember going months at a time without crying because I thought it was a sign of weakness.

While I was crying last night, feeling humbled and yet safe in the presence of the angel, I heard the angel say to me: I will protect you. I did not hear this audibly, lest anyone think I was hallucinating.  It came as words revealed to my mind and heart.  Again, so very hard to explain, but I know what I experienced and I know how it might sound to someone who thinks such things are hogwash.  Believe me I know, when I was a Christian of all times, I used to think people who reported such things were full of shit and either crazy or making it up.  Suffice to say I don’t think that anymore.

My experience last night eased the pain of the envy I was feeling and helped me let go of the fear, which is huge for me because my circumstances appear to be unchanged.   I believe all is well, I just can’t see it yet.  I fell asleep with the feeling of peace and protection, for which I am so grateful.

To anyone who is hurting or who feels afraid, I wish for the angels to visit you and for you to feel the peace and safety I felt last night.

Thank you, archangel Michael.  And please help Japan and the rest of the world find peace and safety in these chaotic times.

Cheryl

 

 

The Road

Last night I watched a movie with my kids, The Road, a post apocalyptic story of a father and son traveling the barren earth trying to stay safe while being followed by cannibals and others willing to do harm to survive.  The boy was born after the unnamed catastrophe that afflicted the earth, so the gray devastation was how the world had always looked to him.  Throughout their journey, the father was trying to show the son that he couldn’t trust anyone, that if they shared what they had they would suffer and that he must learn to see things differently if he wanted to survive.

The son was about 8 years old and in spite of all he must have seen in his short life, he wanted to help everyone they encountered and had a lot of difficulty with the violence required to survive.   He was the brightest, most innocent light against this dark, depressing backdrop.

We rented this movie from Netflix because it sounded like it might be suspenseful and just scary enough to be entertaining, but not enough to induce nightmares.  I suppose there was a little of both of those qualities present in the film, but the thing that stood out to me was the heart of the little boy.

I do not see that boy as being different from any child.  In fact, considering the recent events in Japan, I believe there are many children currently facing a version of the nightmare presented in the film.

Children are amazing.  My kids are much older, the youngest are teenagers, but I have often been surprised at what gentle, optimistic souls they are no matter what happens in their world.  I protect them as best I can, but they have not had it all that easy all of the time.  They haven’t had a lot of the things that so many kids take for granted and yet, they never complain or whine about their circumstances.  They are truly an inspiration to me at times.

This movie touched my heart so deeply that I thought about it for hours afterward.  I cried pretty hard a few times at the pure innocence of the little boy.  It makes me tear up now just thinking about it.  Even when they themselves had gone long periods without food, the boy wanted to share what little they had with passing strangers on the road.  In one instance, they came across an old man who immediately thought they were going to rob him.  Instead, the boy convinced his father to give the man a can of fruit they had scavenged from an abandoned farmhouse.  After agreeing reluctantly and telling his son that no, they could not keep him, the father invited the old man to eat dinner with them.  After dinner they parted ways and the pair continued on their journey.

This movie was so profound because regardless of the backdrop or landscape, we all suffer, it’s a fact of life.  It’s one of the first things I learned from Buddhism–life is suffering and the cause of suffering is attachment, clinging and grasping.  Much of the suffering we humans experience is self-created and can be relieved by putting things into perspective and letting go of attachment.  I would say that the father in the movie suffered because he felt he had to hold onto everything so there would be enough for him and his son.  And the father was willing to do things to survive that his little boy’s mind and heart could not comprehend. As is human nature before the time we are taught otherwise, this boy’s heart was filled with compassion and a desire to ease the suffering he saw all around him.

There was one scene when the father was chastising the son about his generous nature and he told the boy the reason he was able to be that way was that he was not the one who had to worry about things, about protecting them and making sure they survive.  The boy replied that yes, he was the one who had to worry and be concerned about how they were going to make it.  So honest and yet, so revealing that in every circumstance, no matter how dire or bleak, we have a choice as to how to respond.  The father understandably responded to their situation with fear, but the boy responded with love and compassion.  It was beautiful.

Part of me understands this boy on such a fundamental level.  I was raised by fearful parents.  Fearful and capable of violence, just like the dad in the movie.  My family also did all they could to convince me that the world is a bad and dangerous place full of people who wish to harm me and take everything from me.  My family had a strong work ethic, but also had a kill or be killed attitude.  It’s one of the reasons I never felt like I fit in and probably one the biggest reasons I am estranged from them today.

Though the movie ended while the little boy was still a child, I wonder if the character was able to keep that childlike innocence.  I truly believe that cultivating such innocence in oneself is what makes the difference between living a life of cold hardness and a life of open-hearted compassion.  Compassion does not come from the rational, ego-driven place in us, it comes from the heart.  And it is cultivated by keeping things in perspective.  The father in the movie was afraid of someone taking what little he was able to accumulate for him and his son.  I’m sure he didn’t actively want to hurt anyone, but he was willing to resort to violence to protect their stuff. But the truth is, nobody can steal from us what we give with an open hand and an open heart.

Suffering comes from attachment.  There is no thing worth the suffering that comes with trying to keep it.  And there is only one constant in life, change.  Impermanence is the way of things.  We will lose everything we cling to, the clinging only means we will suffer as we lose those things.

We are born into this life alone with nothing and we will leave it the same way.  No amount of clinging or grasping can change that.  So maybe the key to making the in between parts more peaceful and joyous lies in letting go.

It’s been a long time since a movie has had such an effect on me.  The Road goes straight to my list of favorites and I look forward to thinking more about the messages contained in it.

May all creatures have peace and ease of well-being.

Cheryl

 

Ye of little faith…

I’m sitting in my bedroom watching the rain fall through my falling tears.  Seems sort of poetic really.  The reason I’m in my room is I needed some time alone because I haven’t had any in a couple of weeks since my kids got here.  The reason I’m crying is a combination of fear, worry and guilt.

Last night I read the book of Job in the Bible because I needed a sense that someone gets what it feels like to be on what looks like the losing end of life and wondering if it will ever get better.  Job says:

“I call out to you God, but you do not answer, I stand up to plead, but you keep aloof.  You have turned cruelly against me; with your strong hand you persecute me.  You snatch me up and mount me on the wind; the tempest tosses me about.  I know that you will hand me over to death, to the place appointed for all mortals.  Yet no beggar held out his hand to me in vain for relief in his distress.  Did I not weep for the unfortunate: Did not my heart grieve for the destitute?  Yet evil has come though I expected good, and when I looked for light, darkness came.”  Job 30:20-26

Earlier in the book Job said: “Those at ease look down on misfortune, on the blow that fells one who is already reeling, while the marauders’ tents are left undisturbed and those who provoke God live safe and sound.”  Job 12:5,6

The reason I feel like I understand this book so well is that I have found myself at times in life, a lot recently, asking God what I did to offend.  Did I not help people enough, did I not care enough?  What did I do to deserve so much struggle and trial? I’m not saying it’s not possible that I deserve the things that have happened to me, all I’m saying is I know my heart and I know that regardless of how many times I may have screwed up, my intentions have been pure my entire life.  Misguided at times, yes, but pure nonetheless.

On top of everything that is troubling me, I am alone.  Not physically alone, I have my kids, which is more than poor Job had, but I am alone in the sense that I have nearly nowhere to turn for comfort.  I feel abandoned by the people who used to be my friends.  It’s as if nobody wants to catch my misfortune.  I think I am an example that makes people uncomfortable.  Truly one of those you can look at and say, “If this could happen to her, it could happen to me or anyone.”  I have done everything in my power to do the right thing my entire life.  I have taken everything life has dished out and tried to make good of it.  I didn’t let an abusive childhood or any of the unfortunate circumstances of my youth stop me from succeeding in my career or getting an education.  Every obstacle, every misfortune, I overcame them all trying to make a better life for me and my kids.  And I have almost nothing to show for it.

Though I truly love my friends and family, I can barely look at Facebook these days.  As I sit here wondering if I will have a place to live in two weeks, I read the status updates of people who have good jobs, stability and love in their lives complaining about really insignificant stuff.  I need to make very clear that some of the people on my Facebook page have real and serious concerns over things like health and finances, but there are those who appear to have everything a person could need or want to be comfortable and worry-free in this life and they are the ones complaining the loudest.  I need to further clarify that I’m not angry at these people, it just hurts to read their posts.

Here’s where the guilt comes in.  I know there are people worse off than I am.  These are the people to whom a couple of my dollars make a huge difference in their life.  Right now I don’t have very many dollars to spare, but I’m not on the corner with a piece of cardboard and a sharpie pen…yet.

I feel that I need to get things into perspective as quickly as possible.  Because if I am hurt by the complaints of people whose circumstances I would gladly trade mine for, my complaints could easily hurt the heart of someone who would gladly trade places with me.

My plea at this time is for guidance to make the right decisions regardless of what is coming my way.  If God is going to see fit to have me and my kids become homeless, I wish to handle it with as much grace as possible and to find reasons every day to give thanks.

Today is a day of grace.  We have a roof over our heads on this stormy day, we have plenty of food in the cupboard and refrigerator and we have a soft place to lay our heads at the end of the day.  There are many people on this planet who cannot say that.  I pray that my ungrateful heart will be transformed into one of gratitude and faith.  And I seek forgiveness for my weak, weak faith.  If anyone has reason to believe in miracles, it’s me.  Let me never forget.

Cheryl

Healing love

A few days ago I wrote about waking up with near debilitating anxiety.  When I searched my mind, I decided the anxiety and panic were related to not having a job and not knowing how I am going to pay my bills next month.  It never occurred to me that it could be anything else. It is all about me after all.  Or maybe it isn’t.

This is the second time recently I have had a realization of the level of my empathy for the world.  My insights come in the form of messages from elsewhere.  Because I believe in the unity of all things, the elsewhere the messages are coming from does not feel separate from me, but it’s definitely not coming from my rational, thinking brain. That’s really the best way I can explain it.

Last night as I was watching the news coverage of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan, I was talking to my kids about how we need to see Japan healed and not think too many disaster thoughts.  I really believe this is the right way for us to make our contribution.  We can make a monetary donation and probably will very soon, but I think we need to send positive, loving thoughts to Japan and not focus on the devastation.  Acknowledge it and have compassion, but do not indulge in panic and thoughts of calamity.

This brings me back to the inexplicable panic and anxiety from a couple of days ago.  Last night when I went to bed I started writing in my journal.  I was expressing gratitude that I was safe and warm and comfortable in my bed.  I had just taken a shower and had clean pajamas and just felt good.  It occurred to me that there are many not as fortunate as I am and that when I am tempted to whine or bemoan my circumstances it’s good to remember there are a lot of people worldwide who would gladly trade places with me.

As I was writing, it came to me that the panic and anxiety I experienced was a premonition of the earthquake.  I have had other mild psychic experiences, but I’m new to all of this and probably not as open to it as those more accustomed to thinking this way.  Premonition explains the level of anxiety I felt that morning.  It felt like something very bad was going to happen.  It took most of the day to shake it off and it was scary, nearly terrifying.

It’s hard to explain how it feels when I receive messages, but I wish to stress they come as answers, not questions.  Last night the premonition idea came to me as the explanation of why I experienced the panic and anxiety, not as a sense of wondering if there was a connection.  All I can say is that things either feel true in my gut or they don’t.  This felt true.

I’m learning so much about myself and my ability to perceive things beyond the five senses.  It is fascinating and I hope to use it for the good of the world.

Marianne Williamson just posted this on Facebook and I think it is very pertinent for this post and for anyone with the gift of empathy.  We must not forget to pray for others, constantly:

“The earthquake in Japan is a screaming emergency, but there are silent emergencies that trap billions of people elsewhere in daily despair as well…people whose suffering doesn’t often make the front pages because it’s part of a status quo reality. Perhaps if our hearts are broken open by the screaming emergencies, we’ll become more sensitive to the silent ones too. I hope so.”

Blessing the world with healing love.

Cheryl

Positive

Recently I was asked how I stay positive.  I actually wrote an entire post about the things I do that help me stay positive, but I realized that none of it actually matters on the days I let fear rule my life.

This morning I woke up to an anxiety attack.  That happens to me sometimes.  Before I even really have a chance to think, my heart and mind are racing.  It is now mid-afternoon and I’m finally starting to calm down.

It’s sometimes hard to take the steps necessary to stay positive when I’m not even sure what the problem is.  I mean, on the surface it’s obvious.  My kids are now living with me and I do not have a job.  Three weeks ago I was supporting only myself and didn’t know how I was going to make it without a job and now I have two more people depending on me.

This morning I woke up in a panic about how to pay the rent next month.  All day I have had to talk myself out of this mindset.  There are still 21 days left in this month.  If I can find even a temp job right away I should be able to earn enough to cover our rent and basic expenses.  But I don’t have a job right now, so the only way I can avoid worrying is to have faith that everything will happen as it is supposed to and that we will be fine.  While I know deep down it is true, much like meditation I have to keep bringing my mind back to the truth.

As I was telling my kids today, worrying about something that might happen in 21 days is a waste of energy.  Because if the first of next month comes and I don’t have the money to pay the rent, worrying about it now just means I have given myself three extra weeks of worry.  If the first comes and I do have the money to pay rent then I will have worried for nothing.

I just need to stay in the present where everything is fine.  Right now, our bills are paid and we have plenty of everything we need.  I have no reason to believe tomorrow will be different.  A lot can happen in one day.  I have sent my resume off to some promising job leads and to some temp agencies, something good is bound to come sooner or later, hopefully sooner.

As for staying positive, I do a lot of things to keep myself optimistic in the face of uncertainty.  One of the biggest is surrounding myself with people who are positive and avoiding people who are not.  Twitter has been one of the most amazing gifts that way.  The people I follow on Twitter are such bright lights.  They have helped me keep my head up by posting positive, uplifting tweets. My Twitter family has helped me through some dark moments recently.  I have been inspired to be a better person and to keep trying to contribute positively.  I feel very fortunate to have found all these wonderful people from all over the world.

If I had to name one thing that helps me stay positive no matter what is going on around me, it would be gratitude.  If I’m alive and breathing, there is hope and something to be grateful for.  And for the ability to recognize that, I am supremely grateful.

Grateful thanks for all the good wishes I have received.

Blessings.

Cheryl

Time

Several years ago I remember watching the Steve Martin movie, The Father of the Bride, and being particularly touched by a scene in which he was playing basketball with his daughter who was to be married the next day.  When he looked at his pretty, adult girl he saw a 5-year-old.

I’m going through this lately with my kids.  I’m so happy to have them with me all the time, but I sometimes have a hard time remembering that they are growing up.

For example, my son was recently scared by a non-physical entity in our house.  And when I offered to sleep in the chair in his room, he readily accepted.  My baby is 6’3″ tall and months away from being legally regarded an adult, but he still feels more safe with his mom close by.

For me their height and maturity doesn’t seem to register immediately.  My kids are the same delightful, innocent people that they were when they were small.  They have lived relatively sheltered lives, going to private school and raised more around books than television.  They are gentle and compassionate, a rare thing for teenagers these days.  And they do anything I ask them to without question.  How many parents can say that?

Compared to their peers they are probably a bit naive, but I feel very confident that they will turn into mature, responsible adults.  I have already raised two kids to adulthood and they are both living happy, productive lives taking good care of their business and their relationships.

It is amazing how fast it goes by.  You hold your newborn child in your arms and know they’re already on the path to independence.  Our job as parents is to make that journey as filled with love and solid guidance as possible, knowing full well that hard as we try, we’re going to screw something up.  My goal is to keep the mistakes minor and to a minimum.  I haven’t totally succeeded, but I have done well.  As one who lived through a challenging childhood, it has been the most healing thing in the world to see my children succeed not in spite of my contribution to their lives, but because of it.

I’m a pretty happy mom tonight.  I’m very grateful for the privilege of nurturing these beautiful souls to adulthood.  Whenever I feel like things are not going right in my world, I only need to look at my kids and see that some things, some big things, have gone very right.  I gave the world three of the most wonderful people to ever walk on this earth.  They are my greatest contribution to the good of the whole.

Blessing my lovely little family…and yours too.

Cheryl

On second thought…

I decided to delete the post I wrote yesterday.  Although it was a plea for assistance in the form of prayers and positive energy, I feel that it was filled with too much negativity and I may have been irresponsible in entertaining the negativity of my day yesterday.

What I needed to do was disperse the negative energy around the events of yesterday, bless everyone involved and ask for divine guidance and protection from dark forces.

I believe that by failing to handle the situation properly and giving in to darkness and despair, I may have caused or at least failed to prevent an incident that terrified my son.

The house we live in has been inhabited by spirits as long as I’ve been here.  They have never presented themselves as evil or dark.  They have mostly felt harmless or precocious at worst.  Well, last night after a day of indulging negative thoughts and speech, one of these spirits, or perhaps a completely different one from somewhere else, visited my son as he was trying to go to sleep and terrified him.  The room became icy cold and the presence was acting chaotically, doing things and making sounds meant to scare him.  I ended up spending the night in the chair in his room because he was too frightened to be alone.

So, I decided tonight to delete yesterday’s post describing some very negative aspects of not only my day, but my life and some of the people who have been a part of it.  We don’t need this energy.  We are blessed, loved and divinely protected by the forces of love, light and goodness.  There is no reason to leave ourselves open and vulnerable to things which we do not desire in our lives.

Tonight, I have prepared my son’s room by burning incense and candles, blessing the space and placing symbols of love and protection around him.

Sometimes I feel compelled to share things so that I can release them from my heart.  I did that.  I am at peace now, but I do not need to keep those negative forces alive by memorializing them in writing.

We live and learn.  I’m not perfect, but I do try to do the right thing.  And the best thing I can do when negative events happen is to stay in the light and bless everyone and everything.

Love and light.

Cheryl