A couple of days ago I was driving in my neighborhood, admiring some of the lovely older homes nearby when I began to wonder if envy is normal and if so, when does it become a problem that is detrimental to the person who envies?
Of course I’d rather be grateful in all things. I try to see the positive and have something to give thanks for regardless of what is going on around me, but I’m so hard on myself that I don’t even really give myself enough leeway to have a moment’s worth of what may be harmless envy, if such a thing exists.
As I was looking at the nice houses, I felt a sense of longing to have the things these homes represent to me–safety, security and stability. And I began to wonder if it is possible to have a grateful heart at the same time as disliking the feeling of instability that currently permeates my existence. The reason I limit instability to a feeling or perception is that is truly all it can ever be. There is no such thing as stability in reality. Everything we can perceive with our senses is inherently unstable. There are no guarantees in life.
Consider the people in Japan. On the heels of one of the worst natural disasters in history, these people are facing incredible instability, not only in the need to clean up the devastation, but having a volatile nuclear situation unfolding as they try to recover the bodies of their dead and find those who are missing. The relative instability of my situation is nothing compared to that.
My real point about Japan is that the earthquake and tsunami destroyed everything in its path, it didn’t pick just the poor people or the ones who failed to think positively for a few minutes. There were many people who were living successful, seemingly enviable lives who lost everything, including their lives in some cases, in the blink of an eye.
So back to envy. I know that there is toxic envy in which one wishes to have the possessions of another or wishes that person did not have what they have. That’s not really how I feel, which is why I started wondering. When I feel what I was thinking was envy, it’s more like a wishing to know how it feels to work hard and have something to show for it and have even a little certainty that things are going to be okay on a continuing basis, barring, of course, natural disasters and the like.
When good things happen to people, I usually feel happy for them. I don’t feel especially jealous and I don’t wish it was me instead of them, but it doesn’t really stop me from wishing it was me along with them. And I wonder if that is impeding my success in life.
Does the universe want me to be truly happy that I don’t have enough money to meet basic living expenses? Because I really am trying to see it that way if I’m supposed to. When I get to feeling sorry for myself, I try to switch my thoughts to things like how nice it is to get to spend this time with my kids and how if I was working I wouldn’t see them as much. I know there are positives to every perceived negative, but I’m having a bit of trouble finding that place of true gratitude sometimes. And honestly, that makes me feel like crap about myself and like I’m an ungrateful jerk who doesn’t deserve anything good because I can’t appreciate what I have.
Told you I was hard on myself.
Last night I had a bit of an emotional meltdown about all of this while I was upstairs alone in my room. I do not like to share my insecurities with my kids. They don’t need to be worried just because I have been.
During this emotional episode I was praying as earnestly as I know how and telling God that I want to be strong and confident, but I am scared and I feel very alone and I don’t feel like I can do this on my own. I asked for guidance and for help from the angels.
There were actually two of these conversations with God yesterday, one in the afternoon and the other at bedtime. Both times I felt the presence of archangel Michael. It’s hard to explain for a couple of reasons. One is I do not know what others’ experiences with angels have been so I don’t know how to explain it in a way that doesn’t make me sound crazy by what I perceive to be societal norms. Second, it has only been recently, the past couple of years, that I have had any understanding of the angels at all. I now realize that they have been with me my whole life. There is no way any little person could have made it through what I lived through without them.
So, last night when I was experiencing such painful doubt and fear, I felt the angel surrounding me, protecting me with his wings. Suddenly, I started to cry uncontrollably.
I know in this blog I have mentioned a lot of the tears I have cried recently, but the truth is, I don’t cry very much. I used to be the kind of person who almost never cried and I can remember going months at a time without crying because I thought it was a sign of weakness.
While I was crying last night, feeling humbled and yet safe in the presence of the angel, I heard the angel say to me: I will protect you. I did not hear this audibly, lest anyone think I was hallucinating. It came as words revealed to my mind and heart. Again, so very hard to explain, but I know what I experienced and I know how it might sound to someone who thinks such things are hogwash. Believe me I know, when I was a Christian of all times, I used to think people who reported such things were full of shit and either crazy or making it up. Suffice to say I don’t think that anymore.
My experience last night eased the pain of the envy I was feeling and helped me let go of the fear, which is huge for me because my circumstances appear to be unchanged. I believe all is well, I just can’t see it yet. I fell asleep with the feeling of peace and protection, for which I am so grateful.
To anyone who is hurting or who feels afraid, I wish for the angels to visit you and for you to feel the peace and safety I felt last night.
Thank you, archangel Michael. And please help Japan and the rest of the world find peace and safety in these chaotic times.