Sometimes I wonder

Today I was thinking:

I wonder how many people are  living a life that is so painful that the idea of taking responsibility for it feels like the thing that will put them over the edge.

I wonder how many people live each day wondering if they can endure any more disappointment or hardship.

I wonder how many people feel like they might give up if one more thing goes wrong.

I wonder how many people know that dwelling on misfortune only brings more misfortune and truly want to think better thoughts, but struggle because the reality of life is constantly intruding on their efforts to think positively.

I wonder how many people feel worthless and isolated because they are unable to meet society’s expectations, not of success, but of minimum standards.

I wonder how many people feel the weight of the world on their shoulders and simultaneously marvel at how homeless people keep going and yet envy them for having only to concern themselves with their own physical survival.

I wonder how many people feel like the world would be better off without them, but know that would only add another burden on the people they love.

I wonder how many people there are who think they must be cursed or so fatally flawed that they will die alone and destitute.

I wonder how many people feel like nobody has ever loved them and nobody ever will and that somehow they deserve that.

I wonder how many people look around them and see people caring about their own material success, not their fellow humans, until a disaster happens and it is suddenly cool and trendy to appear to care for the briefest of moments before returning to pursuit of material things.

I wonder how many people wake up exhausted at the idea of another day in this world.

To these people I wish to say:

Hang on.  Don’t give up.  You are not alone.  We are all in this together and we only need to find one other person who understands and cares.  It might not be the people you think it will be because sometimes at our darkest moments, everyone we thought would care disappears.  It’s okay.  Keep looking.  Because as bad as life sometimes feels, YOU may be the light that gives someone else the strength to get through another day.  And it may be as simple as an understanding and heartfelt smile.

Today you might smile and open a door for a person who is at the end of their rope and in so doing, open the door to hope and the will to survive.

Let us be gentle with one another.  This is a tough planet to live on sometimes.  We all need all the love and compassion we can find.

Metta Sutta:

This is what should be done
By one who is skilled in goodness,
And who knows the path of peace:
Let them be able and upright,
Straightforward and gentle in speech.
Humble and not conceited,
Contented and easily satisfied.
Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways.
Peaceful and calm, and wise and skillful,
Not proud and demanding in nature.
Let them not do the slightest thing
That the wise would later reprove.
Wishing: In gladness and in saftey,
May all beings be at ease.
Whatever living beings there may be;
Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none,
The great or the mighty, medium, short or small,
The seen and the unseen,
Those living near and far away,
Those born and to-be-born,
May all beings be at ease!
Let none deceive another,
Or despise any being in any state.
Let none through anger or ill-will
Wish harm upon another.
Even as a mother protects with her life
Her child, her only child,
So with a boundless heart
Should one cherish all living beings:
Radiating kindness over the entire world
Spreading upwards to the skies,
And downwards to the depths;
Outwards and unbounded,
Freed from hatred and ill-will.
Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down
Free from drowsiness,
One should sustain this recollection.
This is said to be the sublime abiding.
By not holding to fixed views,
The pure-hearted one, having clarity of vision,
Being freed from all sense desires,
Is not born again into this world.

The hero’s journey

My kids and I watched the final episode of Lost this evening.  When they moved in with me I decided that we should start at episode one and watch it straight through whenever we had time to watch a few episodes.  The kids got hooked pretty quickly.

It was a fun thing to do and I think it helped make their transition to living here a little easier.  I hope it did anyway.

Watching a show like Lost gave me a lot of opportunities to talk to my kids about right and wrong and how heroes behave.  We already talk about a lot of spiritual and philosophical topics, so the show sort of enhanced that.

Having already watched it, I knew I was going to cry watching the final episode.  I did.  My daughter was sure she wouldn’t cry because she doesn’t cry at movies and tv.  That’s not how it turned out.  She loved those characters just like I did and the combination of the ending message plus saying goodbye to a beloved tv show overwhelmed her and she was sobbing by the end.

I’m glad my kids got the opportunity to watch a hero’s journey unfold and that they got to watch so many different characters be the hero in their own way.  They got to experience that heroes are usually reluctant, but have been called by a higher purpose to endure and overcome obstacles.  One of the most beautiful things about a hero is that once they answer the call and embark on the great adventure, they take the knowledge they obtain in the process and return home with it.  Sharing wisdom is the right thing to do.

It was really nice to share Lost with someone.  The show got me through a really rough patch of my life a couple of years ago.  The characters and their stories will always be dear to me.

Stories

“To believe in the heroic makes heroes.” ~Disraeli

I just put that quote up on Twitter.  It was in a book I am reading.  It started me thinking about stories, mythologies, and what wonderful guiding lights they are for our lives.  We live through stories.  Stories we tell ourselves about ourselves and the world, and those that come from interacting with others.

Stories cause us to create mental images, pictures associated with the words, symbols.  Symbols allow us to communicate a vast amount of information very succinctly.  It’s how we are able to learn as much as we do in a lifetime.

There is great value in all stories and mythologies. That’s why I am so interested in what I would describe as metamythology.  It’s possible I just made up a word, but if I did, I can’t help it, I don’t have another word for it.

What interests me most in literature, both secular and religious, is the archetypes and symbols and their meanings.  Huge life lessons and deep insights into universal themes are contained within the great legends. I love grand themes such as the nature of the true hero.  Heroes behave in ways that are noble and based in honor and good faith. People are helped by reading stories about heroes because taking in the ideas can awaken those noble characteristics within us.

The great thing is, we all get to choose what our mythology will be.  It is up to each of us whether our story will be one of triumph or tragedy.  We are writing it each day through our thoughts, words and deeds.

How does the story of your life read?

Somebody to love

The time is coming when I’m going to be open to the idea of dating again.  My kids are all settled in and it would be really nice to hang out with someone who gets me.  And if that someone just happened to be beautiful, all the better.  I do have a thing for the pretty boys.

There is someone I care about a lot and I would be happy to see it turn into something sweet and romantic, but I think I need to see what my options are.  So far, the dating situation has been unsatisfactory.  And honestly, I’m not entirely sure I know how to do dating.  I’ve done very little of it.  I was married the entirety of my 20′s and 30′s and haven’t really dated all that much since then.  All I really did was have a minor flirtation in law school and then dove right into a serious long-term relationship.  That’s not a lot of experience as an adult.

When I ask the universe to bring the right person for me, I have a hard time not visualizing the particular person I wish it would be.  Because he’s perfect.  The kindest, most gentle person I have ever met…and beautiful.  When I look at him or even think about him I catch my breath.  We have a heart level connection that is never going to go away.  And while I am fully capable of moving on when someone who interests me shows up, I believe there is a good chance I’m always going to feel this way about this guy, so it would be oh so convenient if it ended up being him. There is an innocence to our connection and time spent near him is filled with pure silliness and laughter.  He makes me giddy.

I just need a place to direct this energy I have saved for someone lovely and kind.  It ultimately doesn’t matter who it ends up being, I trust the universe to bring the one who is right for me.  And for the first time in my life I have clearly stated my wishes and focused my full awareness on being open to him when he shows up.  I can’t wait.

Being in love is the best feeling on earth.  It’s intoxicating, better than any drug or alcohol.  And I truly believe it makes us healthier to be that happy.  There is something so magical about looking at someone and seeing their divinity because it’s so bright and clear and radiant.  Being in love makes that effortless.  You see that other person’s beauty without even trying.  I love feeling that way about someone.

I had brief contact yesterday with the person I have romantic feelings for.  It feels like he’s a million miles away even though he’s literally just down the street.  If I read my angel cards correctly though, he’ll be back in my life again someday.  I am very much open to that outcome.  I really want to see him again.

Being in love is my favorite way of being.   I look forward to my new best friend showing up.  It’s kinda like this:

Old journals

Wow.

I’m going through boxes, throwing things away and I found the  journal I was writing in when I met the opera singer who broke my heart.  The reason I feel like I should share this is that there are always signs pointing to things that seem to come as a surprise.  Nothing ever really comes out of left field.  The power of denial is amazing.  Here are some of the first things I wrote about this guy, before meeting him in person:

12/2/2005–I’ve been e-mailing this guy named ____.  He seems nice enough.  He doesn’t really have the most secure work habits though and I guess that is a bit of a red flag. Ya think?

That guy ____ wrote back to me.  I think he may be too cynical for me. Oy.

12/9/2005–I don’t think _____ is lying about things because if he were going to bother to lie, wouldn’t he try to make it at least sound impressive?

What’s the worst that could happen?  I could sleep with him and then find out he’s a loser/asshole/jerk and have my heart broken in the process.   I guess the best case scenario is that we could become really good and close friends and stay that way for a long time.  What if he is supposed to be the love of my life?  Wouldn’t that be a trip? It turned out to be a little of both.

12/22/2005–I need to slow this thing down, it’s going too fast.  I have other things I need to do, I have to finish what I started (law school). Hello, do you even hear yourself?

Four days after the 12/22 entry saying I needed to slow it down, I met him in person and our first date lasted 3 days.  And thus began the most intense roller coaster ride of my life that went on for the next 3 1/2 years, at which point he not only broke my heart, he shattered it, and my entire world came crashing down with it.  Looking back, it was one of the biggest favors anyone has ever done for me.  Not because I think badly of him, I don’t, and it’s not that I’m glad he’s out of my life.  To this day I think he is one of the most beautiful souls I have ever met.  I will always have a soft place in my heart for him.  He’s a good person who sometimes wreaks havoc in people’s lives.  I wasn’t the only one it happened to and I really shouldn’t have been surprised, he tried to warn me.

So now I know that I needed to be that devastated so I could find my way to where I am now, which is a much better place in so many ways than I have ever been.  If I hadn’t needed that exact experience, somehow I would have avoided getting involved with him.  His actions forced me to take a hard look at myself and when I did, what I saw was not pretty.  From there I have been able to make changes and for the first time in my life I feel like I am living an authentic life and that I am no longer hiding the real me from the world.  For better or worse, this is it.  This is who I am.  Parts of me have remained constant, like my desire to do good in the world, but some of the darker, more manipulative parts were brought into the light, where they disappeared.

It seems weird to be thankful for something that caused me that much pain, but I have long thought that painful experiences should not be wasted.  Good can come of anything if we are willing to look at things from a different perspective.  My entire life has been preparing me to be the person I am now and while I am far from perfect, when I look at myself now, I see radiant beauty.

Though I have no reason to think he reads any of my blogs, on the off chance he does read this one, I have one thing to say: Thank you.

Gratitude —->grace

I’m going to keep this short because I’ve been writing a lot lately.

Ever since I asked for help from the angels last week, I have been at peace in a situation where many people, including me, would normally panic.

Each day I try to give thanks for all the blessings in my life and not let others’ definition of success rule my heart and mind.  The trials I have been through do not define me.  How I respond to them does.  If I am gentle with the world, the world will be gentle with me.

I want to report that miraculously this morning I was given one-third of my rent for next month.   I am that much closer to having everything covered.  I am so grateful for this blessing that I had to share it here because it is not right to share my worries without sharing the miracles that are also a big part of my life.

Sure, I could worry about where the other two-thirds of the money is going to come from, but why would I when things always seem to materialize in time?

This quote has come to mind a lot recently: “God sometimes does try to the uttermost those whom he wishes to bless.” ~Mohandas Gandhi

I believe that we are blessed to the extent that we allow grace to reign in our lives.  If we insist on having what the world [of advertising] says we should have, we may indeed have all those things through hard work and effort, but if we are willing to take a step closer to the edge and let go of the need to meet society’s arbitrary standards, we open ourselves to the possibility of receiving in the most miraculous ways.  Miracles only happen where they are needed.  We can rely on our own power or we can rely on that which makes the sun rise each morning and the stars appear at night.

I’m an example that shaky faith is better than none at all.

Giving thanks for all the beauty and goodness that surrounds me and wishing grace and miracles for those who need them.

 

Hopeful

I hope people understand why I write the way I do.  Having never been told otherwise, writing a blog feels like having a conversation with the whole world.  Most of my writing comes from that place inside that wants to let people know that I understand and I feel compassion for us all.  That’s the biggest reason I share things that to me feel very personal.

Things have been happening that are not comfortable.  But I realized today that I am facing my fears head on and once I work through this period of my life, I’m going to emerge a lighter, happier person.  The one thing I will say about experiencing misfortune is that once you let go of the things that you thought were stable and necessary, including belief systems, life becomes very simple, very quickly.  And for myself I can say that most of the time I feel peaceful.  I share some of my angst here, but I am largely calm and happy.

The way I stay peaceful is by daily reflecting on the blessings in my life.  There is so much good and so much beauty around for people who are able to stay present.  I would like to see mindfulness taught to school children.  The world would be a much better place.

I like to make lists.  But for some reason during times of stress, I forget to do it.  I decided tonight that I am going to make a list of the things I like best about myself and at least one other person.  There have been some really wonderful people in my life.  And even though things feel a little lonely at times, I know these people are a phone call away and there are a lot of them.  I need to remember that when I start feeling isolated.

I wish for all people to be gentle and compassionate toward themselves.  Start there and it will radiate outward.

I’m feeling hopeful tonight.

Wisdom and insight from @colintip

I just finished listening to a live talk on the Spiritual Path to Money Tele-Summit and something I heard really struck me.  The speaker was Colin Tipping, a person whose book Radical Forgiveness I have mentioned several times in this blog and have continued to recommend enthusiastically to anyone who needs to find forgiveness of self or others.

Colin spoke about people having a financial set-point, just as we seem to have a weight set-point.  Interesting side note is that in the moment just before he articulated this idea, the words set-point and the phrase just like with weight popped into my head, so when he started saying the words I had just thought of, I got a little chill.

The financial set-point insight was around how people have a certain comfort zone when it comes to money.  That level of comfort comes from conditioned thinking, often based on our family beliefs about money, work, etc.  For instance, people who come from working class families may think that money is somehow tied to hard labor, that money is difficult to come by and that having more money than our unconscious beliefs would dictate is somehow not acceptable and therefore we sabotage our own efforts at success to maintain this unconscious set-point.

I’m not paraphrasing Colin very well, but I want to get this message out because when he talked about how people often will not succeed beyond this unconscious belief, or if somehow they manage to, they will find a way to sabotage it and lose everything, I had a flash of insight about myself that might help me change my direction in life.

I grew up in a blue collar, working class family.  Not only that, but I came from a family of generations of uneducated people.  Mind you, I’m not saying stupid people, just people who did not pursue education beyond high school and many of whom never even went that far.

When I was younger I never even dreamed of having an education.  I didn’t grow up with the mentality that I could do anything I set my mind to.  I grew up thinking that I would get out of high school (maybe) and that I would immediately go to work, struggle financially my entire life and then have only Social Security to rely on in my old age.  With one exception, I have nearly accomplished that exact pattern.  And I think during his talk today, Colin shed light on the reason why.

After many years of working and barely getting by, I broke out of the family mold and decided to get an education.  I was in my 30′s, married and raising kids.  I decided that I was going to get a college degree and then go to law school and become an attorney.  As I have mentioned previously in this blog, I had no idea what it would take to get a law degree or that it required 7 years of post-secondary education.  Regardless, I set off in pursuit of my goal.

Here’s where the aha! moment came from today.  I did get a law degree, but I am not practicing law and I can’t even say I am barely getting by financially.  I am in the worst financial shape of my entire life right now and I think I have let old limiting beliefs put me here.

When I was in my final semester of law school I was so busy studying that I didn’t see my family very much.  One day when I went to visit my parents, my dad said that he had been wondering why I hadn’t come by and whether he was going to have to “call my secretary and pay me $200 an hour to come and visit my mother.”  My dad had been making similar comments the entire time I was in school.  Comments about how I was going to become an elitist and think I was better than my family, etc.  Perhaps it was because I was exhausted from all the studying, but the comment he made that particular day wounded me to the core of my soul.  It was one of the last times I saw my dad.  I have been estranged from my family for almost 5 years, for a lot of reasons, this being one of them.

What I realized just today while listening to Colin talk about money is that even though I haven’t been in contact with my family for some time, they still have a hold on my way of thinking.

I did graduate from law school, I was the first in my family to get a college degree of any type and the only one to go to graduate school.  But ever since I graduated from law school my life has been on a downward spiral.  I have not passed the bar exam after repeated attempts, I have not kept a job for more than a few months at a time, which is unlike me, and I am in more debt than I can pay off in this lifetime unless something changes drastically.

Today I realized that it is entirely possible that the reason things have gone the way they have is because I am fulfilling my role in the family, even though I tried to break away from it.  I may have betrayed the family code by earning a law degree, but to keep things even, to obey the financial and success set-point established in my unconscious, I kept failing the bar exam.  I have an education I haven’t been able to use and I can totally blame it on circumstances beyond my control.

From this moment forward, I am dedicating my energy to replacing those beliefs I have about success and loyalty that have kept me fulfilling my role as the irresponsible member of my family (I am the youngest of six kids).  I am going to find ways to affirm that I can succeed and release any limiting beliefs I have about money and success. I am not going to let my past be the blueprint for my future.

My gratitude goes out to Colin Tipping, once again, for his wisdom and insight that have literally changed my way of thinking.  Though I have never met him, I feel like Colin is a friend.  And the best kind of friend, the kind who will tell me the truth about myself to help me succeed.

Please visit Colin Tipping’s website www.radicalforgiveness.com and look at the tools he offers.  I guarantee you will find something there that will help you with your life and spiritual growth.  You can also follow Colin on Twitter, @colintip.

Thank you, Colin!  I am so grateful.

Cheryl

Grateful 4

A couple of things have been popping into my mind recently whenever I ask myself what I am most grateful for.  Water and my body.

I frequently give thanks for water because I think about water quite a bit actually.  It might have to do with the fact that I am a Scorpio, a water sign, not sure.  Water is something I recognize as the most delicate giver of life and yet one of the most powerful forces known to man.  If water can’t overwhelm an object in its path, it is content to wear away at it slowly and patiently.  Water is absolutely amazing to me.  That’s why I think about it so often.

It baffles me why we as a species living on this planet would have such little regard for the enormous blessing that water is.  We are wasteful of it, we pollute all our waterways and we take for granted that the universe is going to provide an endless supply of clean water.  What if that is wrong thinking?  What if the supply of clean, safe drinking water–something Americans take very much for granted–were to decrease significantly in highly developed societies?  It’s difficult to predict the panic that would ensue, but I suspect it would be pretty intense.

Recently I read Masaru Emoto’s book The Hidden Messages in Water.  It was such a good reminder how much water can be our friend.  The beautiful crystals that formed after receiving loving intentions were inspiring.  Life could be so much more wonderful if we humans were to treat water with the respect it deserves.  Water is the biggest blessing of life, it is life.

World Water Day was this week.  What a great time to give thanks for the blessing of clean water.

The other thing I have been really grateful for lately is my body.  I was thinking earlier about how so many people, especially women, dislike their bodies or parts of their bodies.  What a shame that is.  Our bodies serve us faithfully, often in spite of how we treat them.  To have a body where all the major parts are in working order and doesn’t hurt all the time is a huge gift.

Again with the socio-political perspective, but as a society we are getting pretty fat.  It’s scary to see what some people put in their bodies.  I don’t eat healthfully 100% of the time, but I do put forth the effort most of the time and I do okay.

I’m at an age where I have gained enough wisdom to finally learn how to listen to my body.  If I do something it doesn’t like, it tells me.  If I’m paying attention, I can use that information to avoid certain behaviors in the future.  It’s pretty simple, I like to feel good so I listen to my body and take care of it.

I wish for all people to feel happy about their bodies, even if it struggles or has challenges or parts that aren’t perfect.  Our bodies are amazing, beautifully functioning systems as long as we continue to maintain them.  I want to be good to mine because it rewards me by feeling good.

Today seemed like a good time to have a little gratitude for some things that make my life happier.

Happy is awesome.

Cheryl

The Secret

This blog is going to get a more positive spin, starting today.  Not that my posts have not been legitimate and heart-felt, I just think I would do well to remember some positive things and look to the future with hope rather than despair.  What can I say?  I’m a work in progress and I learn as I go…over and over and over.

Today was a good day and it reminded me of some times in my life when things started out looking bleak, but then took a sudden, and miraculous in my opinion, turn for the better.

One such example is my experience with the book The Secret. I love this story and I love sharing it, although I have only told it to very few people until now.

It was March 7, 2008 and I had resigned from my job a couple of weeks prior.  After telling off the owner of the company in no uncertain terms, there was little I could do but resign.  I applied for unemployment and the amount I was to receive was not enough to cover my rent.  I was seriously panicking.  I had no leads on jobs and needed to study for the bar exam…again.

This was back in the days of MySpace and I made a friend there who frequently commented on my blogs.  He lived in Philadelphia, so we were only friends over the internet and eventually, by phone.

One day I was talking to this friend on the phone, worrying out loud about how I was going to pay my rent.  My friend said he wanted me to do something without question, just do what he was going to ask me to do.  He said he wanted me to get off the phone and go straight to a bookstore and buy a book called The Secret and then come home and read it immediately.  I had heard of the book, but I had not read it, nor had I seen the dvd of it.

It is interesting that I did do exactly what my friend said because it is not like me to do something  just because someone told me to.  I’m more inclined to say okay and then procrastinate, eventually forgetting to do it at all.

Anyway, I went straight to Barnes & Noble and bought the book.  I think it cost $15.95, which had I not been under this spell, would have made me balk, especially because it was such a small book.

I took the book home and I read it in about 2 hours.  When I put it down I felt empowered.  It wasn’t that the ideas were new.  At that point  I had already watched What the Bleep Do We Know? and was blown away by the information in that film.

After finishing The Secret I don’t remember exactly what I did, but I know I felt good.  I knew everything was going to be fine.  I knew I was the one in control of my life and that I had the power to make things happen, but I needed to choose to make the things happen that I wanted to happen in my life rather than constantly dealing with stuff I didn’t want.

I have to back track a tiny bit to complete this story.

While I was in law school I was quite active working with the Oregon State Bar’s Affirmative Action program.  The bar had several programs to assist minority law students (I am Native American) and I participated in all of them.  The staff at this office had become my friends during my three years of law school and I was disappointed, along with many other people, when the administrator of the program left the bar under some very unfortunate circumstances.

One of the biggest minority law student events the bar sponsors is an event called Opportunities for Law in Oregon (OLIO).  It is a 4-day event with minority law students from all three law schools in Oregon along with judges, attorneys and a lot of support from the biggest law firms in the state.

Back to March 7, 2008.  Well, actually back to March 8, 2008.  The day after reading The Secret and being determined to manifest a job for myself, I received an e-mail from my friend at the bar.  The e-mail was asking me if I was going to apply for a grant to pay for the bar exam in July.  I wrote back and said yes, I intended to apply for the grant.  I also told her I was unemployed and looking for a job so if she knew anyone who needed someone to please keep me in mind.

My friend wrote back immediately, very excited because she was leaving the bar, the next day was her last day on the job.  They had not filled the position of administrator–the program was only a two person program, so that left nobody to plan, coordinate and execute the OLIO event, an event that was nationally recognized by the American Bar Association and much anticipated by the Oregon legal community.

Apparently the bar management team was frantic because they had been unable to find anyone who could step in and do this job with no training.  There were a couple of e-mails back and forth and in under two hours I was in a business suit driving to the bar for an interview.  I left with a job to begin the very next day.  Not only a job, but a job that would allow me to do for other law students what had meant so much to me as a law student.  Coincidence?  Absolutely not.

I have many other smaller examples of how I have used the law of attraction to manifest what I want in life, but I am never dishonest about it with people.  The truth is, I have not learned how to do it consistently.  I’m sure that’s obvious to anyone who reads this blog, but I have done it enough to know it works.  Some of my best moments of the past few years involve times when it has worked for me, in ways both large and small.

Here’s to making thoughts become things.

Cheryl