Follow Your Bliss

“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls.” ~Joseph Campbell

It’s hard to believe that I would title my blog Metta 4 and write 34 posts before even mentioning Joseph Campbell.  If there was ever a hint from the universe of where I was headed spiritually, it was when I first discovered Campbell.  I just didn’t know it at the time.

The first time I heard of Joseph Campbell I was an adult in college.  I was raising kids, working and pursuing a history degree.  I took a literature class about the grail legends because, from the time I was about 10 years old, I was really into the Arthurian legends.  Part of the class involved listening to Campbell’s lectures as an expert on the Arthurian stories and myth in general.

At this time in my life I was also a hard-core Christian.  I think people who know me now have a hard time picturing this.  Sometimes I do too.  My kids were in private Christian school at our church, so I was at church six days a week, plus leading the youth group and teaching Sunday school.  Although I was never as judgmental as Christianity sometimes invites people to be, I was definitely into the lifestyle.  Sometimes when I think about it, I don’t recognize that person I used to be.

Joseph Campbell helped me understand metaphor.  Metaphor is a huge part of spirituality, in my opinion.  It is also a powerful form of communication.  Part of what makes it so powerful is that understanding it gives tremendous insight into the universe, while not understanding only means your brain is processing information, causing the mind to set things in motion and it’s being done unconsciously.  There are deeper messages in everything if you look closely enough.  But to do so takes discipline and many lack that discipline.

According to Wikipedia, Joseph Campbell used the term monomyth: “to express the idea that perhaps the whole of the human race is reciting a single story of great importance, which gets further broken down into local form, taking on different guises depending on the time and social state of the culture that recites it. This great story relates to humanity’s search for the same basic, unknown force from which everything came, within which everything currently exists, and into which everything will return. This elemental force is ultimately “unknowable” because it exists before words and knowledge. As this basic truth cannot be expressed in plain words, spiritual rituals and stories refer to it through the use of metaphors…”

It was understanding this that made me begin to compare Christianity to the world’s other religions.  And it was when I realized that “the great story” is only relevant as it applies to me and my interpretation of it and that every person, through their own mythological tale, their life, interprets the story for themselves, that I stopped letting people tell me how to interpret the Bible.

I spent 20 years letting other people tell me what the Bible means and never really questioning what I was told.  I did this because, at that time, I did not understand metaphor and its relevance in the universal consciousness.  When I began to understand, I realized that I had been reading the Arthurian legends almost as long as I had been reading the Bible, which was ever since I could read, and that I neither sought nor accepted anyone’s interpretation of those stories but my own.  What was the difference?  Why did I think I was capable of interpreting the Arthurian stories, in all their variations, but I was incapable of knowing the meaning of the Bible without making sure my ideas were okay with a group of people who had all agreed on its meaning (without my input)?

I will argue that the Arthurian legends are a body of work as big and impressive as the Bible.  That is not to diminish the Bible in any way.  It is a wonderful book full of really interesting stories.  Stories with meanings much bigger than the literal words on the page.

Each individual extracts a slightly different meaning from the stories because we all have a different and unique perspective.  So, just as each person will take a different meaning from the story of Perceval for instance, each person will have a different idea what the story of Abraham or Jesus means.  Each person decides what the grail means to them just as each decides what the cross means to them, if anything.

When I began to look at the Bible this way, it was the beginning of the end for me and Christianity, though I didn’t know it at the time.  Suddenly, when my way of interpreting the Bible became as valid as anyone’s in my mind, everyone’s interpretation of it, or any mythology for that matter, became as valid as mine.

During my time as a Christian I remember having a hard time with the concept that the truth is relative.  I always thought of truth as this objective thing that was constant regardless of who was perceiving it.  But that’s because I was caught up in the idea of right and wrong. When I started playing with the idea that there is no right or wrong, that there are just different interpretations of the story, I no longer needed a religion that claimed sole possession of the absolute truth of the universe.

These great stories, that cross every culture and touch every person on the earth, are important because their function is to help each of us tell our own story, our personal mythology.  Each of our stories is our gift to The All.  Each of our lives is a part of the the greatest Great Story and understanding metaphor will help each of us tell the best story we are capable of telling.

Joseph Campbell truly is my hero.  I knew it the first time I heard him speak.  And after years of reading his books and listening to hours and hours of his lectures, I now see that he set me on the path that led to my spiritual awakening.

Anyone on a spiritual path should consider reading The Hero With a Thousand Faces, or get a copy of the Bill Moyers series The Power of Myth, in which he interviews Campbell at length.  Doing so will give you a whole different perspective on life.

As above, so below; As below, so above.

Many blessings.

Cheryl

Simplicity

Living a peaceful life is a process of elimination.  It is getting down to the basics and understanding which things are important in life and which things are not.

In my quest for peace I have greatly decreased the amount of stuff in my life, on every level.  Simplicity can be a beautiful thing.  I, for one, intend to live my life as simply as possible from here on out.

Note that by simplicity I do not mean poverty.  I think it is totally possible to live simply and be wealthy.  It’s a balance of time and energy in proportion to external things.  There is nothing wrong with having a lot of money and the things money can buy, especially if you have enough to pay people to manage and maintain all the stuff.  I think simplicity is more about being willing to let go of that which is no longer useful or needed.  It’s about keeping the energy flowing.

One of the reasons I think metaphor is such a blessing is there are laws in the spiritual world just as in the physical world.  Because the laws in each of these realms correspond with each other, we can take examples from our physical world and apply them to the spiritual.  The ability to do this has changed my entire outlook on life.

Once I understood that the spiritual and physical correspond, I knew that there are things we can do in our physical world that affect us spiritually and vice versa.

For example, I learned that if I feel stuck or bogged down in life, I can get rid of clothes and things I don’t need in my physical environment and the action of doing so has an effect on the mental and the spiritual.  Letting go of physical stuff seems to facilitate letting go of mental stuff.  Try it, see how you feel afterward.  Other than hoarders, I don’t think anyone would find this an unpleasant thing to do.  It is very liberating.  Things feel open and receptive when clearing is done.  If you focus on the mental and spiritual cleansing while clearing out your physical space, you will create a powerful ritual the effects of which can be felt immediately.

I don’t know about anyone else, but when my stress levels drop suddenly because of an activity or a moment of insight, I like it.  Any break from worry and stress any of us can get is a blessing.

We all seem to have so much on our minds lately.  Whenever I do get out in the world I can feel it.  People are stressed and worried.  There are employment issues, foreclosures everywhere and tons of stuff happening all over the planet.  It’s a lot to think about.  And when people are not certain how they will be affected by these external forces, it can be scary.

That’s why it’s helpful to control what can be controlled and let go of the rest.  Using up spiritual and physical energy worrying about things that haven’t happened and are unlikely to happen is a waste.  I’m pretty sure most of us can think of better uses for that energy.

When I am stressed and worried, I take it easy on myself.  I seek distraction if I need to or I spend time in meditation and thinking positive thoughts.  I also eat healthy food, drink lots of water and take vitamins.  The way I keep things from even getting to that point is by keeping my surroundings simple and serene.  My house is clean, comfy, peaceful and good smelling.

If you’re feeling stressed out and chaotic, take a look around.  Do you have clutter and chaos in your physical surroundings?  Relief could be as simple as cleaning out your car.

Humans are not that complicated, but we live in a world of technology that invites us to take on more than we can handle.  When things become overwhelming, slow down and take a breather.  I can nearly guarantee it will help.

Keeping it simple.

Cheryl

 

Magnet

I have seen the law of attraction work in my life.  By law of attraction I mean those inexplicable things that happen that one can directly connect to one’s thoughts.  Seeing these correlations between my thoughts and manifest reality, combined with a fairly intense spiritual awakening a couple of years ago, keeps me examining and monitoring my thoughts.

Part of what has me thinking about this today is the internet dating.  I’m still not going on dates, but what I am seeing is that is the people who show an interest in me are largely the polyamorous sort.  This is partly a geographical phenomenon having to do with living in Portland, but nonetheless, it makes me wonder what about me attracts people who embrace this philosophy.

Polyamory is not a lifestyle choice that works for me.  My experience with this philosophy is one in which the ideal doesn’t work very well in practice.  I’m sure there are people who can make it work, but I truly do not believe it is the majority, which makes the situation in Portland a little difficult because polyamory is so commonplace here that to the rest of the world it probably looks like the norm.

Polyamorous people claim to practice radical honesty and self-responsibility.  However, because those things are difficult for people under ideal conditions, I tend to think that there are fewer people actually practicing them than there are people going around saying they do.  Just my opinion.

My experience with polyamory was with the opera singer.  He wanted an open relationship and I agreed because we lived in different cities and I was in my last semester of law school and didn’t have time to devote to a serious commitment.  However, things changed pretty quickly and we found ourselves exclusive after a short time.  Looking back, I was heading straight for a broken heart, but I didn’t stop myself.  By the time we’d been together about 6 months I was hopelessly in love with him.

I guess what I’m saying is that polyamory can be playing with fire because polyamorous people don’t necessarily seek out others who are like-minded.  In their desire to have as many sexual partners and relationships as possible, some of them fail to realize that people unfamiliar with the philosophy may agree to something they think they can do, but ultimately can’t.  And sometimes, that realization comes too late and people are hurt.

If someone wants to live that lifestyle, it is not for me to judge.  I am not going to condemn anyone just for having a philosophy that I don’t understand.  I think people should do whatever makes them happy as long no harm is done.

This dating thing has me thinking about what it is I’m really looking for.  And really, what it boils down to is the desire to have a safe haven, a place to lay the burdens of life down for a little while and catch a breather.  Every day I spend without a partner I learn more to be this for myself, but I am a social creature and I desire company.   I spend way too much time alone for my comfort.  And yet, I am not looking to change that by unnatural means.  Being with someone just to avoid being alone is not a viable solution for me. I can be friends with polyamorous people because I truly do not object to their lifestyle choice, but as open minded as I am, I do not wish to share my partner.

I think it is the rare person who can manage to carry on more than one romantic relationship successfully.   As a friend once told me when I was in despair over the opera singer, “He has no business trying to love several people when he can’t even love one woman properly.”  If a person can carry on multiple relationships and every single one of them is beneficial to the parties involved and nobody is left lacking or hurting, that’s one thing.  Carrying on multiple relationships in which people are neglected and heart broken is another thing entirely.

For those who truly can do it, more power to you.  For those who can’t, do us all a favor, stick with people who truly embrace the same relationship philosophy as you.  Just sayin’…

Blessings.

Cheryl

Healing the world with lovingkindness

I find it ironic that the more things I have on my mind, the harder it is to think of something to write about.

Things are changing in the world.  It is palpable.  And I don’t even watch the news.  The only place I see news is on Facebook or Twitter.  Avoiding news and advertising driven media in general has not left me as out of the loop as one might imagine.  I don’t seem to need a lot of details to know what I can do to help in a situation.  If it’s something I can take direct physical action to correct, I do.  If it’s something out of my control, I think positive thoughts around whatever it is, knowing that this is what I am called to do and that by focusing my intent, I put power behind those thoughts.

Marianne Williamson posted this on her Facebook page earlier today: “A revolution of love is sweeping the planet. Fear has material resources, but love has cosmic support. Ultimately, love will prevail because only love is real.”  I believe Marianne speaks the truth.  I probably differ from her on some issues, but fundamentally, I believe her to be someone very much in the know on spiritual matters.

This revolution is happening largely because of websites like Facebook and Twitter and all the blogs people are writing.  It is an amazing time in history because of technology.  These global conversations that weren’t possible ten years ago are changing our world…and speeding things up.

If you would have told me a year ago that I would be on Twitter and find myself truly engaged and caring about the people I am following, I’m not sure I would have believed it.  A year ago I thought Twitter was a toy for people who thought of themselves as the cool kids and I didn’t really want any part of it. I have changed my mind completely.

A few months ago I decided to give my Twitter account a chance and after a couple of weeks, I realized that I had the answer to my life’s question at my disposal.  I have carried around this message of unconditional love and forgiveness that I have wanted to share for years now and thought the only way was by writing a book.  I’m still working on a book, but I am no longer attached to that being the only way to get my point across.

I have tweeted almost 1700 times in less than 6 months.  Probably less than 5 months, actually.  And of those, I’d say 99% of them were really positive, affirming tweets.  Plus, I’m following almost 1200 people and of those I’d say half are doing the same thing I’m doing.  It’s an amazing thing to daily read so many affirmations, mantras, blessings, quotes and bits of really lovely poetry.  It renews my hope in humanity.  I hope the people who read my words are uplifted by them because I have gained so much from what I have been reading.

I feel this shift in consciousness happening and it’s really exciting.  It’s not unlike watching some kind of entertainment event with millions of people who are all there for the same reason.  The enthusiasm is infectious.

Spending the majority of one’s time in the present moment, mindfully aware, makes every day an adventure.

I think the people of the world are weary and are looking for ways to feel better.  As it begins to catch on that meditation and positive thinking produce miracles in people’s lives, there are going to be more and more happy people on this planet.

For some reason, tough times seem to bring out the empathy in a lot of people.  And things have been a little bumpy on the planet recently.  As A Course in Miracles teaches: Anything that is not love is a call for love. I believe the things that have been happening in our world lately, from the natural disasters to the political unrest are a call for love of cosmic proportions.  And I believe and can actually feel that call being answered, by regular people, just like me, who truly want to see every heart be at peace.

Every single good-hearted person who takes a moment to send up a prayer or affirmation for our world makes a difference.  Now is a really good time to be thinking happy thoughts.  We create what we focus on.  We all have much to be grateful for and we need to stick together and save our world.

Blessing the earth and all the creatures on it.

Cheryl

Fortune’s Fool

As much as I complain about things not going right in my world, I need to acknowledge some great things that happen over and over in my life as themes.  One such theme is how I seem to stumble into opportunities, not knowing at all what I’m doing, and make it work anyway.  This blog is a good example.

My desire and intent are to share insights and experiences that people can relate to.  And I want to really connect with people who can use the little boost of knowing they are not alone and that other people struggle trying to reconcile spiritual beliefs with day-to-day reality.  That’s why I started this blog.

What I am finding as I go along is that I really don’t know anything about blogging.  I know about writing.  And I really only know two kinds of writing, scholarly/academic and journal writing.  There are many other types of writing that I am unfamiliar with.  But to me, writing a blog seemed somewhere between journal writing and scholarly writing.  So off I went and started a blog.

Although my writing for this blog is far from scholarly or academic in the formal sense, the intent is to convey information that helps the reader.  I won’t speak for content because I’ve been helped by all kinds of things that don’t seem obvious on the surface.  You never know what is going to cause a light bulb moment for somebody.

So, blogging is complicated.  On the big scale anyway.  Just from reading Twitter posts and other people’s blogs about blogging (seriously), it seems there are so many things a person should know.  And I know very few of them.  Not that it’s ever stopped me before.

Thinking back to some of my jobs, almost every job I have had, I have been a problem solver.  A fixer.  And I often accept assignments doing things I have absolutely no idea how to do.

For example, once I was put in charge of liquidating a multi-million dollar furniture manufacturing plant with the end goal of returning as much money as possible to the the bank, our client.  I didn’t know anything about furniture or business liquidation, but I figured it out really quickly, that’s for sure.  That turned out just fine; everything was sold and the bank got most of their money back.  The bank vice-president even offered to be a future employment reference for me should I need one.

Another of my employment gems is when I agreed to plan, coordinate and execute a four-day event with over 150 participants who would stay on-site for the duration of the event.  So in addition to arranging speakers, transportation to and from 3 law schools and after hours social events, I was in charge of coordinating hotel accommodations for all of these people, plus their guests.  The only problem going in was I had never done event planning, even on a small scale.  Unless my kids’ birthday parties count.  As it turned out, my birthday party experience didn’t really come in useful for that event.

Again, especially for not knowing what I was doing or what I had gotten myself into, the event went spectacularly.  There were minor glitches and various technical difficulties of the ordinary variety, but it went nearly flawlessly, to the relief of many.  There were federal judges and state supreme court justices present, plus the conference had been funded by some very big, powerful law firms.  Failure was not an option.

The reason I am digging up these past situations is my recent realization that I am again diving into a project that I have no idea about.  Actually, two.  I started this blog and I am writing a book.  And well, frankly, I do not have a plan.  The plan is developing as I go along, as I learn.

There is something about me that seems to need to go in blind.  If I had known on my first day of college all the steps involved in getting a law degree, I’m pretty sure I would not have one, because it would have overwhelmed me.  I would have given up before I even started.

Everything I have ever succeeded at happened because I made a decision and started moving in that direction, trusting that the information I needed and the people who could help would show up at the right time.  And it has been true every single time.  Why should this be an exception?

I don’t even know who reads this blog.  I’d like to, but at this point, I’m still learning how to do things like put in a link or a photo.  I am certain that the people who read my blog are patient people though.  Ones who will be rewarded as I figure out what I’m doing.

When I feel uncertain, it helps to remember past successes and deeply appreciate that the universe seems to love a fool with a pure heart.  I know my friends and family worry about me sometimes, but I have a lifetime of proof that I am Divinely protected.  As long as my intent remains pure, I do not have to worry about the how of achieving any of my goals, the way always reveals itself.

Wishing you blessings of love and peace.

Cheryl

Deconstruction

As I gather my ideas about beliefs for this book I’m writing, I retrace my steps on this spiritual path I’ve been on for a few years now.  I have learned a lot, but I didn’t cast off one set of beliefs just to grow an attachment to another.  I decided to lose my attachment to having beliefs at all and just be open to everything.

At some point along the way it became clear that attachment truly is the cause of all suffering.  That was one of the first principles of Buddhism I learned about six years ago.  I don’t think I fully grasped it until recently though.

Sometimes I find myself able to let go of entire philosophies easier than I can let go of an idea I have about a person or situation.  Still, I have come a long way.

It’s amazing to me to look back and see that I have come from the strictest, most fundamental form of Christianity to a place where I am not sure I actually believe anything at all.  I don’t disbelieve anything either.  Now there are just things that feel true and things that don’t.  And it’s all up for debate, always.

Giving up religious dogma is the greatest gift I have ever given myself.  My ability to love has increased exponentially since I stopped having categories of who was deserving, according to my prescribed belief system, and who wasn’t.

Ultimately, I have to thank the Christian church for giving up on me.  When I got divorced, my church sanctioned me for violating the Bible.  I was no longer allowed to take communion because I was actively sinning against God by leaving my marriage without good reason (according to them).  This may be the biggest favor anyone has ever done for me.

I’m feeling grateful tonight for the lack of rules in my religion and the freedom I have to love everyone I encounter, just because I want to.  I might not agree with everyone I meet, but I can guarantee this: If there is beauty to be found in a person, I will see it.  It might take a little effort with some, but if it’s there, I’ll find a way.

Many blessings.

Cheryl

“I decided to start anew, to strip away what I had been taught.” ~Georgia O’Keefe

Accountable

Things continue to be challenging in my world.  I’m making it through, but I have to be honest with myself and acknowledge that accepting full responsibility for my life takes a lot of effort sometimes.

People sometimes tell me I’m too hard on myself.  I don’t really see it that way.  I am holding myself accountable for my experience in this lifetime, that’s all.  That is why I am so careful about how I interact with others.  My beliefs and ideals tell me it is right for me to do everything in my power to make sure that my interactions with others are always a benefit to them and never a detriment.

To the best of my ability I only want to bless people and wish good for them.  The times I am able to do that with little effort are the happiest times of my life. That is when life is going smoothly and I have lots of energy and everything is lovely.

Recently things really haven’t gone smoothly and I have been weary mentally, physically and spiritually.  At these times it becomes the most challenging thing in my life to practice self-responsibility.  Having someone to blame can be way more comfortable than analyzing one’s own responsibility in a situation.

Self-accountability is not taking 100% of the responsibility for everything that happens.  We constantly interact with people and things that we can’t control. Taking responsibility for myself is just looking at my part in things.  It is not my business what issues someone else may need to address about themselves; it’s not my place to point things out.  Even if I think you’re 90% wrong about something, my job is to take responsibility for my 10% and figure out what I need to learn.  That’s all.

I don’t feel like it’s my job to point out flaws in others.  If I can see it in someone else, I need to look for it in myself.  And if it’s something very bothersome, I have to figure out how to change it.

Earlier I was feeling sad because of some of the things going on right now.  I was sort of considering my life and how things have been recently.  And I was having a hard time with the question I was asking myself: Did I really create all of this? If everything that feels right in my belief system is correct, then everything going on in my life is the result of my choices.  So I am the only one to blame or to credit for how my experience unfolds.

Taking responsibility is a whole lot easier and more fun when things are going great.  Like when everything is going my way, money is coming from all directions and I feel like I am really fulfilling my purpose on earth.  Actually, most people don’t mind taking credit at those times.  This is not one of those times.

When times are challenging, it helps to allow myself to feel badly for a short period of time, maybe an evening, and during that time become my own best friend.  I allow myself to feel whatever I feel, regardless of how positive or negative.  I mentally tell myself it’s okay to be sad about things.  The trick is not to wallow in it and allow it to paralyze me.  My greatest super power may be my ability to keep moving forward.  One of the ways I accomplish this is by being gentle with myself whenever possible.

When I feel sad, I keep things peaceful and quiet in my space, light candles and incense and eat good, healthy food.  And drink lots of water.  Being well hydrated makes life so much easier.  I’m not sure everyone understands the correlation between dehydration and feeling crappy.

I need to stay strong for the rest of this journey. I still have stuff to do.  I need to take care of myself because ultimately, I’m all I have.

Here’s to finding the peace that transcends all understanding.

Cheryl

Right or happy?

I just read something on Facebook that made me pause.  A friend of mine put up a status expressing her deep love for her husband and saying that she never knew she could be loved so well by a man who was not her daddy, whom she also clearly loved very much by the way she honored him in posting that.

There were a couple of things that inspired me about my friend’s post.  First, I know this person’s life has had some major bumps in it, just like mine.  Doesn’t matter that they were different kinds of obstacles, she has overcome them and has love in her heart in spite of being hurt by people who did not honor her for the beautiful person she is.  In my opinion, that is practically the best we can hope for as humans, to not let external events and people harden our hearts and make us incapable of love.  Because when that happens, it becomes a double tragedy.

I was also inspired by my friend because she is only a couple of years younger than me and a few years ago, by being open to the possibility of love in spite of her fears, this woman found the love of her life.  Though I have not met him, he sounds like the kind of man most would hope to find, one who cherishes the heart of the woman he loves.  It’s really beautiful.

The comment she made about her dad really struck me.  This might start out to sound negative, but I hope you can bear with me because it really isn’t.

I have alluded to my childhood having been abusive but haven’t given a lot of details about what made it so.  I still think it is right to keep the references general because my parents are still alive and it is not my goal to humiliate or hurt them.  When the time comes that it is more important to be specific because someone will be helped by knowing the details of my experience, I’ll share.

Suffice to say, when I read my friend’s comment about her dad, I felt a strange sensation.  It was a combination of longing to know what that must be like with being so glad that even if I never did, someone experienced being loved by her parents in a way that made her able to more fully appreciate all the love in her life.

My parents did their best.  I am certain of it.  It was a pretty poor best by most standards, but nonetheless, they did what they could with what they had to work with.  I may not be able to make a comment like the one my friend made, but I can honor my parents by taking what they did do right and building on it rather than spend my life dwelling on what I wish they would have done differently.

This is ultimately how I choose to look at everything.  Even the situation with the opera singer.  He may not have loved me, but so many times while we were together, he showed such kindness to me and I felt loved.  So whether or not he was in love with me is irrelevant.  I am choosing to to take away the good from that experience and leave the rest behind.

Last year I told a friend that for the rest of my journey, I want to travel light.  Meaning not only do I want to own as few material things as possible, but that I wish to release as much emotional baggage as I can and move forward carrying only memories of love and kindness shared between me and the people I encounter.  He totally understood what I was saying, in fact, he gave me a high-five.  So cute.

When we cling to past harms and insults, we carry a burden on our minds and hearts that is unnecessary.  And I would venture to speculate that those we perceive as having harmed us spend little to no time worrying about it.  Because if they did, they’d be coming forth asking for forgiveness.

The greatest gift we can give anyone who has hurt us, and ourselves, is forgiveness.  It frees that person from the prison we put them in and allows us to move forward, lighter and without carrying the person, the prison cell and all those giant keys on a ring.  I jest, but hopefully you know what I mean.  All it does is slow us down and keep us from doing the good we are meant to do in the world.  I truly believe we were not put on this earth to keep tally of the harms that are done us, but to endure and love in the face of whatever life presents.

I do sometimes wish I would have had a dad who loved me so well that I didn’t think it was possible anyone could do better, but I didn’t.  That was not my experience.  I guess I also wish the opera singer had loved me, but he didn’t.  That’s all okay.  The real tragedy would be if I let those things keep me from loving others and trying to help them.   If I spend all my time feeling sad for the love I feel I haven’t received, I will not be open to real love when it shows up, I simply won’t be able to see it for focusing elsewhere.

So it becomes a choice, would I rather be right (about the past) or happy?  I choose happy because that is the place from which I can help others.  Being right about my past and dwelling on it makes me only able to focus on myself and possibly receive sympathy from others, but doesn’t allow me the freedom to do the good I want to do in the world.

Those are my thoughts for the morning.  Not too bad for only half a cup of coffee.

Cheryl

Moving on

Man, I’m having a bi-polar day, but I feel like writing after having a break for a couple of days.  My earlier post was about the glorious walk I took.  The stuff I’m thinking about now I’m going to blame on the walk too.  There’s something about clearing the head that allows thoughts to flow through that are behind the log jam of insignificant stuff stuck in my head at any given time.

I’m back to thinking about my love life.  Because of the internet dating site.  I haven’t given up on it yet.  I will admit I’m getting a little bored of it, but the luster wears off all internet stuff for me after a while, I get bored of Facebook and Twitter every once in a while, but I have made a commitment to those sites that I have not yet made to the dating site.

As I make myself available for the possibility of a romantic relationship, it kicks up all kinds of emotions about that opera singer I sometimes write about.  I think it’s time for me to give the thumbnail sketch of what happened there.

The relationship with the opera singer started as a casual non-committed dating situation that I don’t think either of us expected to last.  But it did.  Even though there were separations, breakups and reconciliations, we were together for most of 3.5 years, living together at times when it was convenient, but always keeping our own places, except for the first 6 months I lived in Portland when I lived with him at his house.  It was a deep, serious relationship.  We were committed even though it nearly took an act of God to make either one of us say I love you.  Which in retrospect seems a little weird, but anyway…

He and I could not stay away from each other.  I tried unsuccessfully to leave and so did he.  Prior to his relationship with me, he had not been monogamous by choice for more than a few months at a time with anyone.  Because of the way he described his views on polyamory, radical honesty and self-responsibility, I felt certain when we did part it would be by mutual agreement with everyone in the know and there would be no surprises.  I was wrong.  So very wrong.

After 3.5 years of being each other’s best friend and closest and most intimate ally, he kissed me goodbye as I headed off for work one morning and I never saw him again.  I returned home to find an e-mail, timed not to disrupt my work day.  I guess I can appreciate that at least, he didn’t always show that much consideration in timing his actions.  He said in the e-mail he was done and that now was the time because it wasn’t in reaction to anything, he was just done.

I have e-mailed and texted him a few times since then, but he has never responded.  Almost a year after he left I got a card in the mail from his dad, who missed me and wanted to see me.  A couple of months prior I had also seen his brother who told me I would always be a part of their family.  I think it’s fair to say a lot of people were hurt by what happened.

Turns out he wasn’t completely truthful about there being no reason behind his choice to end things abruptly the way he did.  He met someone else.  There were clues that he was capable of this, so maybe I shouldn’t have been shocked, but I was.  And devastated.  The person I loved most in the world and my best friend did not see me as a blessing in his life and had come to the conclusion that he could not live a happy life if I was any part of it, ever.  I’m not sure I can explain what that feels like, but I can say this, the only grief I have ever experienced that even comes close is when my sister died of cancer 11 years ago.  And this hurt more because when my sister passed I never felt rejected.

Not hearing a word from him in almost 2 years has been the hardest thing I have ever had to overcome in my life.  And it has taken most of the two years to feel over it.  I’d say at about 18 months I started to feel like I was going to make it, but still felt shaky on my feet.

Not to throw salt on old wounds, but this entire grief process was complicated by meeting the other person I have mentioned in these posts.  He drifted out of my life and suddenly I had two people I needed to get over.  Sheesh, how much is one person supposed to take?

To be fair to the one who came after the opera singer, he ultimately ended up raising the bar for every man I meet going forward, so in the long run, he did me a favor.

So, I’ve been doing the online dating site for a couple of weeks now and have made a couple of friendship connections that look promising and discovered a person whose profile practically describes me.  We like the same things, think about the same things, value many of the same things and have similar temperaments and senses of humor.  Seems like a good thing, right?  Not so fast.

I admit it’s a little scary to even consider someone that I have the potential to be totally comfortable around.  Because that is rare.  I don’t feel comfortable to be completely myself around anyone besides my kids and back when, the opera singer.  It’s weird how I am more frightened by seeing real best friend potential in someone than I am finding someone physically attractive.

Anyway, I feel that it’s important to acknowledge the truth about the opera singer and put that all to rest.  He didn’t love me.  It’s possible that he was using me, as one of his friends tried so desperately to convince me the whole time he and I were together.

I’m at a crossroads.  I don’t know how hard it’s going to be for me to trust again, but I want to have someone close in my life.  Not at any cost though.  So I move forward, with fear and courage…and a trump card.  Even if I don’t want to be alone, I can and I will before I will let someone turn my life into an operatic tragedy again.

Cheryl

Spiritual alchemy

I spend a fair amount of time thinking about what I would describe as spiritual alchemy.  Meaning the transmutation of one kind of energy into another, the spiritual equivalent of transforming base metals into gold.  To me, this is one of the most valuable and powerful metaphysical skill sets a person can have.  A person who can change their reality by changing their perspective is a person who can accomplish anything, in my opinion.

I am a student of these practices.  I will always be a student.  Even when the time comes that I am teaching others what I know.  I guess that time actually has come, since I am attempting to share my insights through this blog.

Although there is a lot of room for improvement in my ability to quickly shift my perspective to keep my thoughts at the frequency that will bring success, I get glimpses of my own power sometimes that make me eager to continue growing in this direction.

Today was one of those glimpses.

My car is currently parked and not working.  It’ll be fixed in a couple of days and really, if I had to pick a time to have my car out of commission, this is one of the best.  It caused me some distress on Friday because of some things I had to cancel that I didn’t want to, but other than that, there is no need in my immediate future that can’t be accomplished walking or by public transit.

I’m a car person.  I got my first car when I was 16 and have had one ever since.  I think nothing of getting in the car and driving to places that are within walking distance.  It just doesn’t even occur to me to walk.  And yet I know that walking is not only good exercise, but is an amazing way to meditate.

Walking meditation is something I learned from books by Thich Nhat Hanh.  It’s really not different from sitting meditation except that it is moving.  It’s all about being present in the moment and being aware with each step.  Basically it’s acknowledging with every step that you are walking and breathing in the present moment, and doing your best to hold that thought to the exclusion of other thoughts that want to take over the mind, that chatter that many people aren’t even aware is the background of their existence.  The problem with the chatter is that if you slow down long enough to pay attention to it, it can be horrifying to discover the negative self-talk that makes up the majority of the noise in our heads.  So any break from this is for a person’s ultimate good.

The concept of meditation is simple, but its practice requires discipline and an internal fortitude that many find difficult, even those with experience.  I’m totally willing to admit it’s difficult.  It takes a lot of effort for me to focus for more than a few seconds at a time most of the time.  I actually find it easier to meditate while walking because there is a certain level of present moment awareness that is required to keep walking that is not required for sitting meditation.

So knowing what an amazing gift walking is, seems like something I would be doing all the time.  But I haven’t been.  Because of the car…and habit…and being in a rut.  Having one way of doing things and never considering another way.

Earlier today I decided I wanted to cook one of my favorite comfort foods for dinner.  But I was lacking a couple of ingredients.  I could have called someone I suppose, but I didn’t really want to.  After some of my recent walks to and from the repair shop where I took my car, I have been looking forward to walking more.  So I did today.  And it was a pretty magical experience.

As I walked my mind started to wander, but I decided this would be a good time to exercise control over that.  So I just kept bringing my attention back to my breath and my steps.  And the result is that I started to notice everything around me, in very vivid detail.

The world looks very different to a pedestrian than it does to a driver or passenger.  That alone starts the shift in perspective that can bring about a change in attitude that can ultimately lead to a change in reality.  Bring awareness to it and walking turns into an exercise in transformation.

I saw garbage, a pair of gloves and a pot holder on the ground right by my house.  I heard birds over the whooshing of the freeway.  I stopped to look at a community garden and I observed people hurrying to get to super bowl parties.

If I had been driving I wouldn’t have seen any of those things because I would have been one of those people rushing.  And not because I was going to a super bowl party.  I would have because I could.  Walking caused me not to be in a hurry because it was going to take me a while anyway, plus I have no agenda today, so it just didn’t matter.  And the entire trip took less than an hour.

On the walk home I realized that not only am I not trapped, which is how I have been feeling without my car, I am absolutely liberated.  Not having  a working car only stops me to the extent that I refuse to think of other options.  I was limiting myself by thinking of my car as my only transportation and was therefore causing my own misery.  By choosing to walk, I felt empowered in a way I would not have if I would have asked a friend to drive me.  And I realized that I am only stoppable if I let myself be.

When I had the epiphany of my own freedom, it brought a sense of joy that was so lovely.  In that moment I knew that I changed my reality by changing the way I was choosing to look at the situation.  And I knew that if I can continue this practice, there is nothing I can’t accomplish.

So it turns out that having the car break at this time under these circumstances provided me an opportunity that I would not have had if it had broken during a time when I needed to go to work or to an interview or something.  I do have time for this right now.  This is fine, there is nothing wrong in this picture.  That is very different from where I was even a couple of days ago.

And I find it poetic that the thing that brought about this realization was me being forced to deal with the reality of my situation because I wanted my favorite comfort food for dinner.  I found comfort today on so many levels that tonight’s dinner may be the grandest feast I have ever prepared, out of the simplest ingredients.  Both literally and metaphorically.  How lovely is that?

It is my wish to share all the joy I find for myself with the world.

Many blessings.

Cheryl