Gifts of the heart

It’s been way too long since I’ve posted, and I need to make this brief (so no editing), but I feel the need to express myself. I apologize in advance for the disjointed meandering of this post, but I really need to get this out.

My dad passed away a few weeks ago. Anyone who’s read this blog all the way through has some idea of the strained/troubled relationship I’ve had with my parents.

I was estranged from my parents for a little over 5 years prior to my dad’s passing. I knew there would be a possibility there would not be reconciliation on the physical plane while my parents were still alive, but I chose to keep my distance and work on forgiveness and learning to take responsibility for myself without blaming my parents for the choices I make as an adult. I’ve done that to a large degree and I have no regrets. However, my mother has advanced dementia/Alzheimer’s, so when I returned home after my dad died, I found that my mother was no longer “there” either. It was like losing both my parents at once.

During the years I was working through all the horrific abuse that permeated my childhood, one of the themes that kept resurfacing for me was anger at my mother for wanting us, her children, to give her something she was unable/unwilling to give us–protection from my dad. 

My mother did almost nothing to protect her children from the violent abuse of my father. And I resented that. Even when I was searching my heart to find forgiveness toward both my parents, I felt bothered by the fact that while I was growing up, my mom would complain bitterly to me and my siblings about my dad, but never do anything about the situation. My dad was less abusive to my mom than he was to his kids (meaning it was limited to emotional abuse for her), but we could never complain to my mother about my dad because she would tell him and then we would suffer even more abuse. She leaned on us emotionally, we who were technically both his victims and hers, but did not offer any support in return. I struggled so hard with this, until recently.

The person my mother was is no longer there. She doesn’t remember any of the bad stuff that happened. And I’m so grateful for that. My mother made some very poor decisions, as all of us have at one time or another, but I’m thankful that God, or the universe or whatever, has seen fit to free her from having to live with remorse over those poor decisions. I know for sure my mother did the best she could with what she had to work with. Same with my dad. And truly, none of us really want to suffer the consequences of our poor decisions, but I find many people want others to suffer for theirs.

When I was growing up, my parents never hugged us kids, ever. They also never told us that they loved us. I cannot deny the impact this has had on my adult relationships, but I spent the past several years getting past my issues about hugging and expressing my love for people. It wasn’t easy but I’m way more comfortable now that way than I ever have been. Up until recently I could remember hugging my mother one time, as adult, and how painfully uncomfortable that experience was.

I now visit my mother weekly. I take my kids to visit her too. She’s very sweet and finds reasons to laugh even though I can tell the mental decline is stressful for her at times.

Since I’ve been reconciled to my mother, I now hug her every week. So do my kids. My siblings do not do this, but none of them have yet worked through the issues that I’ve worked through. My mother seems to love receiving these hugs from me and her grandchildren. 

And suddenly, I’m not angry anymore that my mother needs/wants something from me that she could never provide to me when I needed/wanted it from her.

I did the work so when the time came I would have it to give, and I’m happy to give it to her now.

All is well and all is forgiven.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that I owe so much of this healing to a book called Radical Forgiveness  and its author, Colin Tipping. I will always be grateful to the person who recommended this book to me (and to Colin for writing it and for being a generally kind and supportive person) and I would love to see everyone read it, because everybody has someone or something they struggle to forgive…and this man and his book can help.

12 things I learned (or learned again) in 2012

It’s pretty hard for me to pass up an opportunity to share what life has taught me. 2012 was good that way. Being the lesson whore I am, I’ve put together a list of things to share–some lovely, some humorous, some exhausting, and some excruciating. But hey, it’s my life and the important thing is, I’d rather be me than anyone else. So here are a few things I learned:

1. If someone is determined to make you the embodiment of their fears and insecurities, there is nothing you can do about it. Walk away, you’ll be better off.

2. The times they are a changin’, in America. The 2012 political season totally underscored my belief in a cosmic paradigm shift. The 2012 election season demonstrated nothing less than a miraculous leap in consciousness in America. Conversations long overdue happened on issues that will take us miles from our blinders on, capitalistic nightmare. It’s like we’ve finally awakened from the American Dream and now we can do something about it.

3. It’s possible to fall in love with someone you’ve never met in person. That was a new one for me. I’m a pretty hard sell on the romantic thing, but it happened to me in 2012 and though it’s but a memory now, I’m glad it happened.

4. If you stay present and keep going, things will get better, you will make progress, no matter what life is dishing out.

5. Most days of my life are awesome. Most days I feel like Hello Kitty incarnate, like I may have been a My Little Pony or a Care Bear in a former life. It’s hard to explain, but it feels pretty good and if you met me, you’d totally know.

6. It really is possible to let go of romantic ideals and love someone unconditionally, even when a little piece of you will always wonder “what if … ?” P.S. It doesn’t have to hurt.

7.  Referring to people with fewer material resources as less fortunate is the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever heard. Anyone who needs to make comparisons between our relative levels of fortune based on how much stuff we have is truly the least fortunate person of all.

8. If everyone read, understood, and practiced the principles in the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, the world would be an easier place to be.

9. Whenever I feel lonely or inclined to strive toward a particular type of relationship (e.g. romantic), what I am really looking for is a closer relationship with the Divine. I seem to learn that one over and over.

10. There are a few things that can make everything better. They’re different for each of us. For me, it’s meditation, bubble baths, writing, and laughing. (I hope you figure out yours and do them often in 2013)

11. Happiness is only available in the now moments. Happiness is for the taking, postponing it in anticipation of some future event is a mistake.

12. Unconditional love can fix any situation, period, end of story.

There are a few other things I learned that were slightly less profound, like how awesome iPhone cameras can be and how great it is to have a cat again, but what really matters is, all things considered, 2012 was challenging in a good way and in important ways, things went more smoothly for me and my family than they have in several years. And for that I am truly grateful.

 

Black Friday 2012

It’s pretty hard to deny that 2012 has been an amazing year. Around this time last year the Occupy movements started and since then there have been brief moments in which it actually seems like Americans are starting to wake up and realize that our way of life, our American Dream, is not sustainable. It seems like more and more people are starting to realize the ideals of consumerism, capitalism, and materialism do not serve us; in fact, they serve to enslave those who embrace them. This seemingly new level of awareness is surely the greatest miracle of 2012.

I went out on Black Friday. Mostly as an observer, I didn’t make any significant purchases. The majority of my holiday shopping was done before Thanksgiving and online. What I saw yesterday was nearly enough to send me into a tailspin of depression. I made a conscious decision to spend the majority of my money at small local businesses. For someone as frugal as I am, it is challenging to pass up bargains, I’ll admit it. The people who market the Black Friday sales know that too. I suspect they tend to not like people like me, one who can make an aware decision to say no to things I might want to say yes to.

One of the reasons this Black Friday is significant is the strike by Wal-Mart workers who wish to earn enough money to live without relying on welfare and food stamps.

This strike matters because it comes on the heels of an election in which the American people told the Republican party that we are not going to tolerate the greed of the privileged few who, but for the indentured servants who sustain them, would have no wealth or power.

Thankfully, I live in a city that seems to detest Wal-Mart. There are only two in Portland that I am aware of. The suburbs tolerate them, but the urban folk seem to like a bit more variety and substance.

My daughter asked me why we should boycott Wal-Mart. So I explained to her that I cannot in good conscience contribute to an organization whose core values differ so greatly from my own. That is saying a lot coming from me, a person whose personal philosophy is so liberal that do no harm is about as specific as it gets.

Wal-Mart’s values offend me on the most fundamental level. And I find that it’s even bigger than that. There is a conservative mindset in this country, one that has not become an overwhelming majority, thank God, that is so vile and repulsive that it goes against every single thing I believe in.

The reason I can never shop at Wal-Mart is the same reason I can never be a Republican as I currently understand that party. Too much hate. To love money more than people is a truly empty way to live.

Which brings me back to yesterday, Black Friday 2012. When I was out taking care of my errands, mostly buying groceries and pet supplies, I saw masses of empty people. People who lack awareness that anyone else on the planet even matters. It wasn’t always out-and-out aggression, though I did see some of that, rather it was a hollow quality. People appeared to be drugged or under some kind of spell. They were physically present, but somewhere else entirely mentally and spiritually. Honestly, it was a profoundly illuminating, if not completely disturbing, experience for me.

In recent years I am becoming more and more of a minimalist and have almost an aversion to having too much stuff. Even so, I do like to have nice things. However, just as there are few things that are important enough to make me want to go into debt, there is absolutely nothing that I could get from a place like Wal-Mart that is worth exploiting a fellow human being. Nothing.

It is my sincere wish that American society continues on a path of enlightenment, seeing that greed and consumerism are not the way. Love and recognition of our sameness are.

It’s time the greedy super rich realize the things they have done and are continuing to do to acquire wealth and power are no longer working. The system that is currently in place cannot be sustained, that seems obvious. How those changes happen will be largely determined by how ferociously the wealthy intend to fight for the means of oppressing their fellow citizens. If history is any indicator, this may not end peacefully.

My hope is to bring some level of awareness to these issues that makes sense to average, intelligent people. If the world really is a reflection of the collective consciousness, things like racism, homophobia, greed, and hate, cannot continue to exist once we as people are thinking better, higher thoughts.

2012 has been an eye-opening year. A year in which people all over the world recognized that something needs to change or we’re doomed as a species and a planet. That is one way of interpreting the Mayan prophecies. It’s the end of an era for a particular perspective. We’ve been given new information, new ways of looking at things. And if some of the most basic theories of quantum physics are true, looking at things differently cannot fail to change our world.

Right now, I’m cautiously optimistic.

“You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.” ~John Lennon

The keys

Today is Mother’s day. One of the most bittersweet days of the year for me. I’ve been estranged from my parents for several years. Most days it still seems like the right thing. When relationships are not healthy despite the best efforts of the parties involved, it’s better to sever them. That might sound harsh to some, but the ones who understand it, most likely understand because they have been through trauma in their relationships with their parents.

Not everyone has an easy childhood. And when you haven’t had a good relationship with your parents, it’s really hard to relate to things like the deluge of Facebook posts that happens on days like Mother’s day.

I’m not saying it’s bad for people to honor their mothers. It is absolutely the right thing to do. It’s just important to recognize that not everybody honors their mother in the same way. Some of us honor our mothers by choosing not to continue a relationship that causes pain on both sides. And that’s okay. It’s certainly preferable to giving or receiving guilt, blame, anger, and resentment.

I posted something on Facebook today acknowledging that this day is not easy for everyone. Several friends have lost their moms, a few are estranged from their mothers, and a couple have children who were lovingly given up for adoption. This day brings a vast array of emotions for many of us. It felt important to acknowledge those whose hearts have a bit of heaviness today.

Someone posted a comment to my post on Facebook, thanking me for the things I post in general as well as that specific post. It was nice to read those words. I’m mindful of what I share with people and daily work on keeping my personal energy clear and bright. To know that my words make people feel better means a lot to me. The compliment got me to thinking about something that’s been on my mind quite a bit lately.

How many times have we all heard (or read) that in order to love others we must first learn to love ourselves? This is one of the great mysteries of the universe in my opinion. It took me a really long time to learn what those words mean…a lifetime, really. But a few days ago, I had a moment of insight in which I realized I think I may have reached a place where I am mostly my own best friend. Coming from the other end of the spectrum, of being my own worst enemy, this feels very good, by comparison.

This realization came in a roundabout way. It was through others’ recognition and seeing that I am actually helping people. People I know over Facebook and people I’ve never met over Twitter and through this blog. And the most amazing and beautiful part of it is that I set out  on this part of my journey as a way to help and heal myself because there was nobody else in my life at the time. I was always open to the idea that if even one other person felt a little less alone in the world because they read my words, that would be a blessing multiplied, but my primary concern most days was soothing my own troubled soul and getting through the day each day.

I’ve been on this path for a while now and for a lot of the past several years I’ve carried a burden on my heart of having people in my life I haven’t been able to forgive. Again, myself first, but there are others. Recently I decided to stop worrying about the people I feel this way about and work on forgiving myself, strengthening my relationship with God as I understand it, and choosing to live a happy life, come what may. Miracles are starting to  happen as a result.

My feelings toward someone who has caused a lot of harm in my life have begun to soften. And a few nights ago, I found myself praying sincerely for my parents. In a way that a heart with even a shred of unforgiveness would be unable. In that very moment I knew a miracle had happened. I knew that miracles do happen in our lives and the only thing that keeps miracles away is unwillingness.

We humans like to place a lot of limits and conditions on things. When we let go of the need to do that so much, the world opens up like a flower.

The Buddhist metta meditations always starts with oneself. We radiate kindness that we first give to ourselves. It’s lovely.

Figuring out how to be your own best friend, and how to let others be exactly who they are without needing anyone to do, say, or be anything other than what their heart tells them to be, that is true freedom. When you are free, truly free in your heart and soul, you have the keys to the kingdom.

And in my humble opinion, when you find yourself in possession of the keys to the kingdom, the right thing to do is make copies and pass them out to everyone you meet.

Amen.

The Tao of Motherhood

I regularly contemplate impermanence and non-attachment. They are two of my favorite spiritual concepts.

Life is like a classroom with only one course, letting go. Where every day is a school day, and when school is out, it’s out for good.

Every day we have to let go of all kinds of stuff, big and small.

There is someone in my life for whom I care a great deal. Recently I learned that it’s possible I will rarely if ever see him again. Though it’s so hard to know why some people show up in our lives and immediately become important, he is one of those people for me. We have an amazing connection that actually grows stronger with fewer words. It’s one of the most lovely relationships I’ve ever been a part of.

So I’m facing what could be perceived as a huge loss. And I’ll be truthful, the news hit me pretty hard. I was at my job doing semi-complicated tax work when I found out, and it made me cry…at my job…ugh.

Since then I have come to give thanks for the changing nature of this relationship and the beautiful ways it has developed over time. It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s been very genuine, open, and loving. I welcome whatever is next.

It was as my mind and heart began to let go of this person I love that I realized that most of my strength and flexibility comes from being a mom. In no other relationship are we so entwined with another person with whom we do not get to live our entire lives. As mothers we are asked to care about another person as much or more than we care about ourselves and to put their needs before our own. And we do it willingly, out of pure love. And also out of pure love, when it comes time for independence, we let go, ever so gently.

Done properly, there is no more beautiful relationship than the one between a mother and child.

Kids don’t come into the world to learn, they are here to teach us. They are here to show us who we really are and what we are capable of. They help us become more enlightened.

I will never regret having children. They have softened my spirit and brought out the most beautiful parts of my personality for the benefit of the entire universe.

I’m so grateful.

Clarity

It’s been such a long time since I’ve had an opportunity to post. A difficult absence, I assure you. My computer has been having problems for a few weeks, but I’ve found a workable solution for the moment.

Sometimes I feel like the queen of putting out fires. For the past couple years my life has been mainly about survival. But I have responded to the best of my ability and from an open heart. Like much of my life, I can’t say it’s all been pretty, but it’s all been very real and very genuine. We must play the hand we are dealt. What more can you do, really?

I have reached a point where I am wondering what I would like my life to look like going forward. And I find myself without a clear picture in my mind’s eye. That’s okay, but I realize now that certain pressures have lessened, it’s really quite okay for me to start thinking about what would make me most happy as I live the rest of my life.

I’m not sure I have ever really thought about this much. I’ve always just sort of found myself in different circumstances, never really sure how I got there. And feeling little opportunity to do anything other than react to things going on around me.

This is where spiritual maturity comes in handy. Because I have developed a great deal of internal strength, I am better equipped to handle whatever comes up. It’s very clear to me now that is what the past couple of years have been about. It was about developing a clear sense of myself, apart from anyone and anything, and the accompanying strength derived from the experience. I never had a period in my life where I didn’t have a single close relationship with anyone who wasn’t my kid. Until about 3 years ago.

Several areas of my life took on a sudden barrenness. It was a very frightening time. And I’m not entirely back to safety yet, but I am making considerable progress.

It’s good for me to develop a clear idea of what I want. Every tangible thing that appears in our lives begins as a thought. It’s true what they say about being able to accomplish anything we can truly imagine. All of us have experienced it at some point. For me it was deciding to get a law degree at age 34, when I was raising kids and hadn’t been to college. I didn’t know what the requirements were, but I decided I was going to do it and I would figure it out as I went along. It was a huge leap of faith. And it worked out just fine.

Now that I have a job and things are definitely moving the right direction, I have the luxury of thinking about what kinds of relationships to have. When you’re in survival mode, dating falls way down on the list of priorities. Not that I haven’t, I’ve actually been on lots of dates, met a few people, and even made some friends. I just haven’t really been all that interested in anyone. Part of that was not being in a position to put a lot of work into a relationship.

What I really need is a relationship that is light and lovely and free of undue pressure. I’m ready for that. Heavy and serious just doesn’t sound appealing. Not sure it ever will again.

It’s Spring and the weather is beautiful. This is the perfect time for a romance. Think of the Shakespeare comedies. Spring time and everyone is in love. I want to experience that again.

I’m a little closer to being able to envision exactly what I want for myself.

My energy is returning.

I’m back.

Defending Joseph Campbell

A friend of mine asked me to explain to him why Joseph Campbell is my guru. It was an interesting conversation. My friend has never read Campbell, but he has heard me describe the impact that Campbell’s work has had on my life. My friend was thinking along the lines of self-help authors like Stephen Covey.

I explained that Joseph Campbell wasn’t really setting out to help anyone that way. He was merely a scholar, a man who devoted his life to researching the things that pleased him most to think about. This is what I admire best about Joseph Campbell. That it turns out that he and I found joy in the same topics is just a blessing beyond measure. He is definitely a kindred spirit.

What I ultimately shared with my friend was the story of my life at the time I discovered Campbell’s work. I was very much a church going Bible believer of the most literal sort and I had no real grasp of the concept of metaphor. Sometimes I think it is difficult for any devout Christian to truly grasp and appreciate metaphor.

I was introduced to Joseph Campbell in a college literature course about the Grail Legends. Joseph Campbell is an authority on the Arthurian legends, something I have loved almost my entire life.

It was in listening to Joseph Campbell lectures that I discovered that essentially everything is metaphor. All we have are symbols and stories to give meaning to our existence. Everything, even our lives, is metaphor for the fundamental truths of the universe. We are merely reflections of something much greater than ourselves. I believe that we each incarnate to create a mythology out of the life we have been given. And the great thing about this mythology we create is that we get to be the hero in the story. We don’t have to be the victim in our own life story. We are the ones writing it.

What Joseph Campbell did for me was give me another way of looking at God. It was not long after studying his work that I quit thinking about God as an entity separate from myself. And I will tell you this, that one discovery has brought more joy into my life that any other thing I have figured out.

So, while I understand my friend’s skepticism if he was equating Joseph Campbell with Stephen Covey, in my mind the two are incomparable. Stephen Covey offers people helpful hints to be a more financially successful person, Joseph Campbell offers people the keys that unlock the mysteries of the universe.

It is my opinion that you can’t read Joseph Campbell’s work without becoming a little smarter.